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Jilly (2)

by Liberty


"What was that all about Jilly?" mum said as I got into the car after the wedding.

"What was what all about?" I asked as mum started up the engine.

"You know what. You started laughing at the church. Why?" mum explained.

"I-I'm sorry. The boy was the one who made me laugh, mum. It wasn't my fault. The idiot just said a very funny thing and I started laughing!" I exclaimed, fiddling with my purse as mum started driving.

"Put on your seat belt." mum ordered. I groaned and stretched my right arm towards the belt.

"I'm sorry, mum, really." I apologized.

"It was so embarrassing, Jill!" mum shrieked. I gasped, "Mum, y-you called me... Jill." I looked at her. Mum never called me Jill. Daddy always called me Jill. And, mum hated every word Daddy had said, me too. My eyes started to water.

"Sweetie, oh my baby! I'm so sorry!" mum parked the car to the side of the road and hugged me. I stayed where I was. How could she? She called me Jill? Why? Did she talk to Daddy?

She can't just do that! "Where does my baby want to go? Does she want to go to a restaurant?"

Mum always knows my favorite restaurant: Tim Horton's.

"I don't want to go anywhere. I wanna go home. Let's go. Or you know what? I'll drive." I huffed. I'm seventeen; I started driving when I was fifteen, which is crazy. Mum nodded and got out of the car so I could drive. I opened the door and walked to the drivers' side. I opened the driver's door and sat inside and started driving.

"Hon, can you slow down a bit?" mum asked. I realized at that second that I was driving at the speed of one eighty on the highway. I slowed down once I heard the ambulance sirens. I veered the car away from the ambulance, "Why did you call me Jill?"

"It slipped from my mouth, dear. I'm sorry." mum whispered. I looked at mum as I stopped the car on the red light. Her brown hair looked very brown and her blue eyes were sorrow with sadness. I could see her freckles softly sprinkled on her nose and a bit on her cheeks. I looked nothing like mum. I had green eyes, like daddy, and blonde hair, like daddy.

~~~

My phone was ringing as I got off my four poster bed to go and take a shower before I went for volley ball practice. I groaned and picked up my samsaung. Delilah. I grinned, she probably wanted to brag about how angelic and sweet Dilan was. I swiped the answer button and I heard sobbing and crying.

"Deli? Deli, what happened?" I asked, getting scared.

"Jilly, it's, it's Dilan." she sobbed.

"What happened?! Did he divorce you already?!" I shrieked.

"H-h-he's in the hospital!" Delilah cried. 

"In the hospital? Why would he be in the hospital?" I asked. I thought of all the reasons he could be in the hospital. Car accident, heart attack, death, maybe he broke an arm or something. 

"He was shot! Jilly, my husband was shot! I found out right now!!" she screamed into the phone, I dropped my phone at the first sentence. I could hear the muffled voice of Deli as she cried and sobbed into the phone.

"Mum! Mum!! MUM!!!" I screamed as I dashed down the stairs. Mum was sitting in the living room playing her guitar. She looked up at me running and gave me a questioning look. 

"Mum, Delilah's husband, Dilan, is in the hospital! He was shot!!" I shrieked and mum dropped her guitar. I gasped, she loved her guitar to death, and she just dropped it! She stumbled over it and told me to go get in the car so we could go see him; there's only one hospital in the entire town.

~~~

"Room number 405 down the right side." the clerk behind the desk said. Me and mum nodded and walked down the right side and looked for the number 405 in the hospital's hallway.

"Here, mum, here!" I exclaimed as I turned left to push open the door. 

"Jilly? Auntie Heather? Oh, you're here!" Delilah rushed to us ad gave us both hugs. 

"Sweetie, what happened? I heard he was shot? Where are the doctors? How about the surgeons?" mum made the questions flow out of herself. I looked at Dilan, he looked as pale as a dead body; as I walked to him I saw all the wires that were connected to him. I sighed, life moves on like water, it doesn't stay still.

"Hon, can you step out for a bit? Me and Delilah need to talk." mum said.

"I'm not a baby." I mumbled as I walked out. Mum was always worried about me. As I stepped out, I could still hear mum and Deli and sometimes even Dilan's moans. 

"Auntie, what am I going to do? I don't even know who shot him and why." Deli cried, and I could hear Dilan trying to talk, but he suddenly stopped. I burst into the hospital room and looked at Dilan.  He was getting paler by the second and he was gasping really hard. 

"Jilly! I told you to stay out!" mum scowled. I waved my hand at her making her quiet. 

"Not now, mum." I ran out the room and went to the clerk who led us here. 

"You! Whats-your-name, my cousin just got married to her husband yesterday and he was shot. Get. The. Doctors. Now!!" I growled at the scared clerk. I smirked.

"Yes, I'll get  the doctors." the clerk quivered. He quickly scampered away and came back a few minutes later with the doctors.

"Hello, I'm Doctor Jayson. And this is Nurse Konstantin." Doctor Jayson introduced. I interrupted him and dragged him and the nurse towards Dilan's room and explained everything. "Do what you need to do. Work your magic." I encouraged. Doctor Jayson looked at me and saluted like he worked in the army. 

~~~

"It's been three hours and the doctors are still not back. We haven't even gotten any update!" Deli said. It's true, we were sitting there for hours and my entire body was going numb. Delilah's head was on mum's lap; mum was stroking Deli's hair. Poor Delilah, she must be worried to death, I would've been worried. Not that I am going to get married, not after what happened with mum and daddy. Never. Deliah started crying which made me want to cry. 

"I'll go get something to eat. It's lunch time already." I choked out. At least I'll get a break from all the sadness and depression. It was quiet for a second until mum said, "Jilly? Thanks for being such an angel. You're a sweetheart." I felt my eyes get watery and choked out a 'your welcome' as I rushed to the elevators. 

~~~

"I'd like to have three orange juices and three grilled cheese sandwiches." I gave my order to the lady who worked in Tim Horton's and she smiled at me politely, "Anything else?" she asked and I shook my head. She nodded and turned to get everything ready. A few moments later my order was given to me. As I headed towards the elevator I saw Doctor Rayson standing by the doorway to the stairs, he was laughing with a few other people. 

"Jayson!" I fumed and his face suddenly went ghostly pale. "What are you doing here you f-"

"Listen, this is not what you think it is, the operation is over!" he smiled gently. 

"Oh, I-I'm sorry, Doctor Jayson," I mumbled, embarrassed, I could feel myself getting tomato sauce red. I looked down at my shoes and walked away with my order. I rushed to the elevators and pushed the button that had an arrow pointing upwards. The elevator went Ping! and opened. I went in and pushed the button that said 9

~~~

"Mum?" I looked around at the spot where mum and Deli were sitting and that's when I heard a shriek from inside room 405. I jogged in and was surprised to see Deli and mum grinning from ear to ear. 

"You're all good, oh hon, I'm so happy!" Deli was screeching like a little kid. 

"Deli? Mum? What happened?" I asked, curious, and took a step towards the table in the rrom and set the food there. 

"They got the bullet out! But, he did get a few stitches." Deli said. Mum frowned, "He got sixteen stitches, Delilah."

"I'd rather think he had fewer." Deli muttered. 

"Okay, let's eat! And, we'll make Dilan, here, tell us why he was shot." I suggested and everyone nodded.

~~~

"That was a stupid reason to get shot, mum." I said out of the blue while I was driving back home. We gobbled up our burgers and finished our juices. Dilan wasn't allowed to have food for two hours. 

"Dear, concentrate on your driving." mum said. "You have to stop driving at such a high speed."

"Mum, it's the highway! I can drive faster than a hundred!" I exclaimed. 

"You, young lady, are driving at a hundred and forty." mum pointed out.

"Fine, whatever, Dilan was just asking someone where a specific road was, why was he shot?" I asked, fuming. It wasn't fair! All he did was ask someone the way to a specific road!

"Dear, it was probably a drunk or crazy person, nothing to worry about," she continued, "At least Dilan's fine now." mum sighed sadly.

"What happened?" I questioned.

"The same thing happened to Serenity." mum said, and when I looked at her, tears were forming in her eyes. I let her continue, "She was my step-sister, she was shot, and she died, just like that." she snapped her fingers. "I saw it all."

"You had a step-sister? She died? Why? When?" I turned a corner and spotted our house, it was a one of those modern houses with brick walls and cool roofs. 

"Yes, she was my step-sister, and yes, she died." she sobbed. "She started a very cheerful conversation with a woman standing beside her at the bus stop and from behind us, I heard a gun shot and she died in 1995. A few years before you were born." 

Mum was crying now and her head was in her hands. I rubbed her back and silently started crying. So much had happened that day.


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11 Reviews


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Reviews: 11

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Mon Feb 25, 2019 9:20 pm
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authorvibezz wrote a review...



I really enjoyed this, and this review will get you out of the greenroom too.

After glancing at what a fellow reviewer had already mentioned, my main comment would be the repetition of names. For example, in the first section you use 'mum' way too much. This sort of repetition is used throughout the piece. Although grammatically there isn't anything too wrong with it, it can be a bit boring for the reader. This can be fixed through the use of pronouns. For example, you could say "she ordered" instead of "mum ordered". Obviously, you don't need to change all of them but by using pronouns for a few will help reduce the repetitive nature of the piece. Also, I think 'mum' should have a capital letter?

Overall, a great start and I'm looking forward to seeing more of this story. Hope this helped a bit! :)




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review! I never noticed the 'mum' problem in the beginning. I'll fix it soon.



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562 Reviews


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Wed Feb 20, 2019 7:01 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely day.

Let's get to the review.

Mistakes
Okay so I'm going to start off with the things I saw that could be fixed, but I didn't see very much.
Okay so the first thing is this.

Daddy always called me Jill. And, mum hated every word Daddy had said, me too.

You see the two words in bold, well I think you got them back to front. I think it was supposed to say "too me".

Okay next one. I'm not sure if I'm right with this one.
I grinned, she probably wanted to brag about how angelic and sweet Dilan was.

The word in bold, isn't it a name? If so it should have a capitol letter.

Description

Well so far I really like everything. But I do feel like your characters need to be described a bit more. Like this sentence could have a little something added.
"It slipped from my mouth, dear. I'm sorry." mum whispered.

I feel like something is missing. Here is a great place to describe what the mum looks like. But other then that, I really like what you have done so far.

Setting

I think the setting so far is going really well, I beginning to see what the characters are seeing, so that's great. But for later I'm going to tell you a little something I keep in mind when writing a chapter. Sound, sight, smell and feel. You don't have to add all these things in but one or two will make your chapter even better then it was before.

Over all comments

Over all I think you have done a really great job, and I can't wait to see the next chapter. Now you said you need help with the name of your story and from what I can tell for the plot there is a person going round killing people and I thought of a name or two, Gun Shots, or Man Killer. But Only you will know what will happen so only you can really name your story. What help to name a story is to see what it will be about and what is the main plot, then base a name around that. But if you haven't got a name when the next chapter is posted then I'll try and think of another name.

Again this was a really great story and I can't wait to read more. I hope to see more chapters form you soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix. :D
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




Liberty says...


For the first mistake you pointed out, I'll fix that and no, 'angelic' is not a name. For the description thing, I totally agree with you, I'll add a description to that. Thanks for the titles idea, I agree with you, I'll think about the things that are going to happen next and then figure something about the title. Do you think 'Jilly' would work? I don't know. Anyways, thanks for the review! :)





I'm glad I could help you out a little, I think Jilly for the name of the story would be really cool, I think it would fit it well.



Liberty says...


Okay, I'll try that.




"We're just all nosy little busybodies."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi