Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Other » General


[DELETED]

by Liberty


[DELETED]


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
9 Reviews


Points: 508
Reviews: 9

Donate
Wed Nov 27, 2019 10:24 pm
View Likes
ap17 says...



Hi, I quite like the scene. I felt the dialogue was really realistic and it was easy to tell the relationship between the characters and the scene played out. Overall I felt it was really well written. I like the use of Nokia phone to help characterize the mom with her old fashioned ways. I just feel like it was a little bland. The dialogue could be a little more interesting to keep the readers wanting to read. We all understand the argument between Kaila and the Mom but I feel like the things that they're saying are a bit obvious and bland. Maybe you could throw in a joke or some interesting characterization to set about your script from any old boring conversation a kid would have with their mom.

"KAILA: It’s a flip phone, Mama."

Like here you could prehaps have Kaila call it a dinosaur phone and play off of how old they are by calling it prehistoric. Even though it's dramatic it would add an interesting layer to the story that would make it less bland and a little more humorous.




User avatar
9 Reviews


Points: 508
Reviews: 9

Donate
Wed Nov 27, 2019 10:24 pm
View Likes
ap17 wrote a review...



Hi, I quite like the scene. I felt the dialogue was really realistic and it was easy to tell the relationship between the characters and the scene played out. Overall I felt it was really well written. I like the use of Nokia phone to help characterize the mom with her old fashioned ways. I just feel like it was a little bland. The dialogue could be a little more interesting to keep the readers wanting to read. We all understand the argument between Kaila and the Mom but I feel like the things that they're saying are a bit obvious and bland. Maybe you could throw in a joke or some interesting characterization to set about your script from any old boring conversation a kid would have with their mom.

"KAILA: It’s a flip phone, Mama."

Like here you could prehaps have Kaila call it a dinosaur phone and play off of how old they are by calling it prehistoric. Even though it's dramatic it would add an interesting layer to the story that would make it less bland and a little more humorous.




Liberty says...


I'll take your advice; thanks again!



User avatar
79 Reviews


Points: 1923
Reviews: 79

Donate
Wed Nov 27, 2019 6:42 pm
View Likes
dahlia58 wrote a review...



This is a very short scene, so there's not much readers can comment on. But the dialogue between Kaila and her mother seems natural so far. Kaila's mother gives off a kind of old-fashioned impression, since honestly, who uses flip phones nowadays...Conflicts is the title of this play, correct? I look forward to how this story's going to go.




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review. There's two more parts to this, so if you want I could tag you when I post them. :)



dahlia58 says...


Thanks^^



User avatar
129 Reviews


Points: 2087
Reviews: 129

Donate
Wed Nov 27, 2019 2:56 pm
View Likes
beccalicious94 wrote a review...



This definitely has the voice of a child/parent relationship. I'd love to see a scene before and after this. It doesn't seem like Kaila got any resolution. The title is called "Conflicts (Part 1)"--will the other parts just be other conflicts? Will they relate to each other?

We don't really have any physical details about either Kaila or Mama. What are their facial expressions like? Body language?




Liberty says...


Thank you for the review. :) Since it's a script, I have to control myself from adding too much description in between lines, and same for body language, if you know what I mean.





I understand



User avatar
129 Reviews


Points: 2087
Reviews: 129

Donate
Wed Nov 27, 2019 2:55 pm
beccalicious94 says...







You can cut all the flowers, but you cannot stop Spring from coming.
— Pablo Neruda