Hi! Oliver here to review.
Momma said that Ash couldn’t go because, since, Briar is really popular and all, Ash might get influenced.
The comma after 'since' is unnecessary and messes with the flow of the sentence.
“Ash Harper! I said, you won’t go, so that means, you won’t!”
Again, unnecessary commas. It messes with the flow of the sentence and makes it harder to read.
Her brown hair fell all over her. Her almond shaped violet eyes filled with tears. “That’s the only thing I’ve ever asked Momma in such a long time!” she snatched a tissue from her side table and dabbed it at her fair skin.
...tall bodies.
If they're toddlers, how tall can they be?
It's a big turn-off that the monster speaks in (what feels like incorrect) 'old English'. I get the vibe you're trying to go for and I appreciate it, but I'm not the biggest fan of it. Doesn't mean you have to get rid of it though!
Is there a part two planned for this? I hope so, otherwise the cliff hanger at the end is kind of frustrating.
Overall, this story's alright. It could use some more realistic dialogue and the description could be more detailed and spread out, but otherwise it's good.
Keep writing,
Ollie.
A lot of this description of Ash is unnecessary and doesn't make sense since the story is from Ash's point of view. As well, cramming it all into one paragraph is a bit info-dumpy and this would be better if it was spread out throughout the story. I don't need to know everything about Ash all at once.
Points: 88
Reviews: 134
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