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Curse Of The Monster

by Liberty

“Can I please go to the party?” Ash whined. It was Briar’s birthday party tomorrow afternoon, and she invited her entire class! Briar was the most popular and rich girl in Magic Academy. Momma said that Ash couldn’t go because, since, Briar is really popular and all, Ash might get influenced.

“Ash Harper! I said, you won’t go, so that means, you won’t!” Momma scolded, she wanted to peacefully make dinner for her children. It wasn’t like anyone else was going to do it. No husband and no child old enough who would have been able to cook. Her oldest child was Ash, she was eleven. Then, there were the three other kids, Adam, who was six and the two year old twins, Evelyn and Ethan. Thankfully, they were asleep right then.

Ash ran to her room in a fury and fell face first on her bed. Her brown hair fell all over her. Her almond shaped violet eyes filled with tears. “That’s the only thing I’ve ever asked Momma in such a long time!” she snatched a tissue from her side table and dabbed it at her fair skin. The blue eyed Norwegian cat, Romeo, purred as he jumped up onto Ash’s bed.

“Oh really?” A voice cackled. Ash whirled around to see a monstrous face looking at her. She screamed in terror and ran down the stairs to her mother. “Momma! Momma! There’s a monster in my room again!” Ash cried. Momma looked up from the pot and waved at Ash to quiet down. It was normal to have monsters coming into everyone’s houses all the time. After all, they lived in a land of magic! The two walked slowly to Ash’s room. There was nothing, “Oh Ash! There’s nothing here!”

“I swear there was something here!” Ash pointed to the spot where she last saw the creature. Momma sighed, “Oh Ash, what am I going to do with you? It’s almost dinner time, go get the others.” and with that, she walked away. Ash looked at the spot where the monster was and she felt her eyes get watery. She knew there was something! She promised herself that she was going to sleep with the twins tonight!

“Adam!! Evelyn!! Ethan!! Dinner is ready!!” Ash hollered, shaking the weird feeling that was bothering her just a few seconds ago. Why was she getting so scared? This happened all the time. “Lemme just finish this question and I’ll be right there!” Adam hollered back. The two-year old twins started wailing.

- - -

“Wow, Mommy! This was so good!” Adam stretched, he’d eaten three whole plates of the Chinese rice Momma had cooked.

“Thank you, hon.” Momma shot Ash a look saying, Why aren’t you as polite as your brother? Ash just shrugged. That feeling was back again, the one that she had when she first saw the creature.

“Mommy! Evelyn want more!” Red-headed Evelyn screeched.

I want more.” Momma corrected as she put another piece in her plate.

“Ethan wants more too!” Red-headed Ethan yelled in his screechy voice. Both Ash and Adam looked like Dad with their almond shaped eyes, thin lips, brown hair and fair skin. The twins looked a lot like Momma with their dimples, red hair, and tall bodies.

“Time for bed, kiddos. It’s almost eight o’clock. Hurry up with your food and scurry up the stairs!” Momma announced, she noticed that Ash had barely eaten her food, “Ash? Did you not like the food? You were the one whining about how you were craving for Chinese rice.”

“I’m just not hungry.” Ash mumbled. “Excuse me, I’m going to go sleep. With the twins.” the twins cheered.

“All right.” Momma said, she was getting worried about Ash, What had gotten into her? Momma wondered. If she really wants to go to the party...

“Let’s get to bed kids.” Momma said as cheerfully as possible.

- - -

“Rise and shine! You have to go to Briar’s party, right?” A voice said to Ash as she snored away. Ash’s ear twitched. Did Momma just say…? She did!! Ash jumped out of bed and grabbed her mother into a hug.

“Go get ready! I brought you your outfit that you were drooling over yesterday at the mall.” Momma grinned at her daughter as she gasped and ran to her room to take a look. She shrieked at how pretty the dress was. “Wow.” she gasped. “Wow.” Evelyn mimicked as she played in Ash’s room and giggled.

- - -

Momma dropped Ash at Brianna’s party and said goodbye. Ash skipped into Briar’s house. Her ponytail bounced at every skip she took. Her light blue dress looked stunning with her sparkly violet ballet flats that matched her eyes. Once she reached the the birthday girl’s house, she was dazzled at how huge Briar’s house was. She shook away all her thoughts and knocked on the door. She was answered by a butler who invited her to come in. She smiled and walked behind Mr Butler all the way into the ballroom. She heard someone shriek, “Yay, Ash! You’re, like, finally here! Like, we’re going to have, like, have some cosmetologists coming, like, yeah!”

Two hours had passed and still the cake had not arrived. Ash was looking out the window, watching a mother bird feed her babies.“I wish I could go somewhere else.”

“I knews it.” A voice said.

“Augh! You’re the same thing that came in my room yesterday!” Ash whisper-yelled. “What if someone sees you?”

“Does not thou worry dear. Only thou have the eyes to see I.” the monster hissed.

“Can you please leave? We can talk later.” Ash begged.

“Me thought thou wanted to left this places?” the monster questioned. It’s true, I do want to leave, Ash thought.

“Then thou shall comes with I!” the monster exclaimed.

“You can read my thoughts?”

“Ofs the course, Ash.”

“How do you know my name?”

“I knows everythings!”

“Fine, take me away from here.”

“Alright-y! Let us goes!”

“Where are we going?”

“My world. That’s where.”

“But I don’t -” These were Ash’s last words before she vanished in a flash of yellow light. “Ash?” said Jewels Htoo, her classmate. Serenity tapped a girl on her shoulder and told her everything she saw. The word spread all over until it reached Momma.

“I’m coming right now!” Momma exclaimed. She ran out of the house and jumped into her SUV with her three other kids. She drove at a high speed and finally reached Briar’s home. When Momma and the three other kids stepped inside, there was no furniture, person, picture or walls in the house. A shiver went up Momma’s spine.

“Ash?” she called. No answer came. She called louder. Still no answer.

A flash of yellow light came from far away. The foursome cautiously walked towards the light. “Momma, Evelyn want Ashy.” Evelyn whimpered.

“I know, I want Ashy too.” Momma said. The foursome couldn’t hear anything; it was pin drop silence.

“You will never find your daughter.” A voice from above said. Everyone froze. They looked around, hoping to see a someone, but they saw nothing. They were all shivering at this point, it was getting cold. And scary.

“Leave, before I capture you too!” the same voice said again. The three little ones started to cry and Momma tried to usher them out of the house but there didn’t seem to be an ending.

“Please, leave us alone! We’ll leave!” Momma exclaimed, as she tried to find a place of safety. It felt like they were trapped in a never ending white place.

“Bye-bye.” said the same voice they heard before. “You shall never wake again.”

Momma, Ethan, Evelyn and Adam all fell to the ground and started to doze off into a never-ending sleep.

“Sweet dreams.” said the voice.

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132 Reviews

Points: 498
Reviews: 132

Tue Jul 30, 2019 5:52 pm
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Bullet wrote a review...

Hi! Oliver here to review.

Momma said that Ash couldn’t go because, since, Briar is really popular and all, Ash might get influenced.

The comma after 'since' is unnecessary and messes with the flow of the sentence.

“Ash Harper! I said, you won’t go, so that means, you won’t!”

Again, unnecessary commas. It messes with the flow of the sentence and makes it harder to read.

Her brown hair fell all over her. Her almond shaped violet eyes filled with tears. “That’s the only thing I’ve ever asked Momma in such a long time!” she snatched a tissue from her side table and dabbed it at her fair skin.

...tall bodies.

If they're toddlers, how tall can they be?

It's a big turn-off that the monster speaks in (what feels like incorrect) 'old English'. I get the vibe you're trying to go for and I appreciate it, but I'm not the biggest fan of it. Doesn't mean you have to get rid of it though!

Is there a part two planned for this? I hope so, otherwise the cliff hanger at the end is kind of frustrating.

Overall, this story's alright. It could use some more realistic dialogue and the description could be more detailed and spread out, but otherwise it's good.

Keep writing,


A lot of this description of Ash is unnecessary and doesn't make sense since the story is from Ash's point of view. As well, cramming it all into one paragraph is a bit info-dumpy and this would be better if it was spread out throughout the story. I don't need to know everything about Ash all at once.

Liberty says...

Thanks for the review! I get the description thing - I'll fix it up. Also, have you not seen tall toddlers...? Like... not tall tall. But they look tall for their age. That type of toddler.

Again, I am so so sorry that I didn't pay attention to your guideline. I'm again, extremely sorry.

Bullet says...

It's fine! Your story's actually pretty good, so it wasn't as boring for me to read as most fantasy is.

and about the toddlers... I mean, I guess? xD I've just never seen a toddler and thought "man that toddler's tall"

Liberty says...

Thanks. :)

Have you for real never seen a toddler though...??

User avatar

Points: 130
Reviews: 2

Sun Mar 10, 2019 12:55 am
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Althea wrote a review...

I love how real your characters are. In such a short amount of time you made us really care about them before killing them off in a beautifully mysterious way. Your narrative had us hooked form the start and you kept the tension going all the way through. I also really like how and when you used exposition. We found out more about this amazing world in a way that kept us wanting to know more and never disrupted the narrative, instead serving to move it along. All things considered, this is an amazing piece of art and I love it.

Liberty says...

Aww, thanks! <3 :D

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18 Reviews

Points: 51
Reviews: 18

Thu Mar 07, 2019 9:11 pm
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Munozutoo2122 wrote a review...

Okay so first of all if your English teacher didn't give you an A+ than he is crazy because I love it. I love the way you expressed the witches feelings and it made me want to read more. As authors we want to engage the readers and you did that. I love how you used excellent imagery. i really enjoyed the story and I honestly hope you got an A . Good job and keep up the great work.

Liberty says...

Thank you!!! That means a lot to me!!! :D

Maybe we're all just complex human beings with skewed perceptions of each other.
— Ventomology