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A Painter & Writer's Magic [Chapter 15]

by Liberty


Last Line(s): Maybe there was a cure to the curse. There had to be. There’s always a cure to a curse. That was his motto and he had to live up to it. Maybe the Painter and Writer could help him find a cure and get over his psychotic state. They would be life savers if they did. He wouldn’t ever know how to repay them.

Once he found the cure, he’d make sure never to fall in love again. It was too much to bear. 

Chapter 15

The next morning, Zoya woke up with a start. She’d just had a very vivid dream but now she couldn’t remember any of it. Running a hand through her tangled hair, she sat up on her sleeping bag.

She looked across the tent at Audrey and Will. They were both still sleeping, backs towards each other.

Zoya’s heart tore. She knew exactly what was wrong with Will and it was driving her crazy. Maybe, just maybe, Audrey would be smart enough and she’d figure it out herself. But Zoya doubted it. “Fat chance,” she muttered. She itched to tell Audrey what had happened but she had to be a good royal advisor and not break King Akolxohez’s promise.

She reached for her wand that was on the ground and magicked her teeth clean. A mirror popped up in front of her after her command. She looked at her teeth. Perfect. The mirror vanished in a swirl of purple mist. Soon enough, Zoya tip-toed out of the tent to get something to eat.

The sun wasn’t up yet. Only its rays were brushing the horizon. She breathed in the fresh air as she listened to the birds sing. Then she froze.

Obraya.

Zoya scrunched up the left side of her face and backed up. “What the…” She stared at the Angel. She was laughing and stroking air that was right in front of her face. Zoya backed up some more and tumbled into the tent which only woke up Audrey.

Will looked worse than before and for some reason, looked two times thinner than he really was. Not much time had passed. The poor guy -

“Dammit, Zoya, you scared the guts right out of me.” Audrey placed her hand on her chest. She had bags under her eyes and she looked flustered.

“Sorry…” For a second the girl forgot what she was doing here. Then she remembered. “Obraya is petting air as if it’s her lost puppy.”

Audrey twisted her face into confusion. “What?”

“I said she’s -”

“I know, I know, but are you sure? She didn’t seem that crazy.”

“I mean, she has gone through a harsh break up…” Zoya shrugged. “And she looked like she was in a lot of pain the other day. She’s got Pains, Aud, and when a non-Human gets a Pain, it’s impossible to heal it.”

Audrey raised an eyebrow. She rubbed her eyes and got up, walking out of the tent with Zoya at her heels.

Audrey gasped at the beauty. It was a pegasus and unicorn mix. It had the feathery wings and the twisted horn. The creature had a long wavy mane that reached down to its shoulders. Its coat was shining under the three almost-gone moons. “It’s gorgeous,” she breathed.

The Angel jumped around in surprise. “G’mornin’!” she chirped. “He is gorgeous, ain’t ‘e?” She led the pegasus/unicorn - Audrey still didn’t know what they were called - towards Audrey, who squeaked in delight. The creature spread out its left wing and put its head under it, doing whatever it was they did.

“Can I touch him?” Audrey asked, giddy. Obraya nodded.

Audrey did. She bit her bottom lip. “He’s so soft,” she said quickly. The Angel chuckled.

Zoya was staring right at Audrey. “Have you gone mad as well because of Will or something?” She turned around to look at Zoya.

“No!” Audrey glanced at the creature then looked at Obraya. “Does he have a name?”

“Suki,” the Angel said lovingly, taking a bunch of Suki’s mane and she started braiding it.

“Don’t you see him?” Audrey asked Zoya. “He’s right here.”

Right then, Will came out of the tent. The sun had started peeking out of the horizon now, shyly making its hike up to the top of the sky. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Suki. “Heck. This thing looks like God carefully hand-crafted this Himself.” His voice was throaty and low. He didn’t come near Suki but instead sat down on a nearby log.

“His name is Suki,” Audrey said.

“He comes from the skies. We’ve been best buddies fer a while,” Obraya explained. “I asked fer ‘im to come earlier today ‘cause I’s feeling awfully lonely. I hope y’all don’t mind.”

“Oh.” Zoya nodded as she sat down beside Will. “I know what this is. It’s an alicorn. Only those who’ve fallen in love can see them.” She wrung her hands. “Don’t bring it near me please. I’m afraid of any animal larger than me. And I’ve heard they’re monstrous creatures - twenty feet tall.”

Will smirked despite all the pain traveling up and down his body. “How can it be monstrous if only those who have fallen in love can see them?”

Suki flew off right then. Audrey and Obraya stood beside each other awkwardly. Audrey said something that was inaudible to Will and Zoya. She started rekindling the fire.

“I dunno, they’re rumors,” Zoya said flatly. “Is he pretty?”

“Like I said, it’s like God hand-crafted him,” Will told her.

Zoya sighed. “Can I tell you something?”

“You say that as if we’re best friends,” Will teased, nudging her. Zoya shot him a glare. “Yeah, you can.”

“You’re sick, right?” Zoya asked. It was more of a statement. As if she was telling Will about this.

Will grunted. “Yeah like I didn’t know. Not like I’ve been barfing like crazy and having a migraine and also feeling feverish. Thank god it lasted for only the night. It felt like a decade.”

Zoya hissed. “You’re useless to talk to. You literally start your own stories.” She got up and stormed away, back into the tent.

Will raised both his brows in surprise then shook his head in dismay. “Teenagers these days.”

***

Will, Audrey, and Obraya sat inside the couples’ tent. They were all discussing possible ways of getting to the Skies as fast as possible in time before the Angels started on anymore Attacks.

“You’re telling me I’m going to ride something I can’t even see? Can’t we just use the portal? It’s only four days away!” Zoya shrieked.

“And it’s only a day away on the alicorns,” Audrey pointed out.

“Child, don’t you want to get up there quick?” Will asked.

“I do.”

“Don’t you want to get rid of the corrupt Angels before they kill the ones who take care of you?”

“I do.” Zoya wrung her hands nervously.

“Don’t you want to live?”

“Idiot, of course I do.”

Will rolled his eyes. “It’s settled then. We’ll leave after lunch.”

“Hey! Who the hell are you to make the decisions?” Zoya protested.

“I’m the oldest.” Will shrugged, folding his boney arms. They weren’t like that before.

“You sound like a child,” Obraya said, averting her gaze. “And technically, I’m the oldest one ‘ere.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re on our side.” Audrey said, getting up to stand right next to her husband. “So end of meeting everyone. We leave after lunch.”

Obraya and Zoya shared an annoyed look.

The couple left the tent and sat around the once again blazing campfire. Will placed his head on Audrey’s lap. “I hope we can get over this soon,” they both said in unison. They looked at each other and laughed. “Weirdo.” Again in unison. They laughed again.

“Honestly though, I’m hoping we can leave this place and go back to Earth. The excitement was fun while it lasted but now I feel stressed, Aud,” Will started. “When we go back I have to think about my new job. And I wonder if anyone noticed that we’re gone. Do you think the police are trying to find us? Or have we been wiped from everyone’s minds? Or has -”

Audrey put her finger on Will’s lips. He went silent right away. There was no point worrying now. They had made a promise with the king of Hell so who knew what would happen if they ran away or gave up.

“As long as you have me, you’re fine.” Audrey said, combing back Will’s red curls.

He let a smile slip. “That’s my dialogue.”

“Get up now and help me with packing some things we’ll need on the way. I’ll ask Obraya what we’ll need.” Audrey got up and walked back into the tent.

Obraya and Zoya were talking. Obraya was pale. Well, she was pale before as well but she looked a ghostly pale now. As soon as Audrey had entered, the two had silenced.

“What happened?” she asked.

Obraya shook her head furiously. “I’m going to go pack some things.” And she raced out of the tent. Audrey looked at Zoya. She wouldn’t meet her gaze.

“What happened to her? She didn’t even have any belongings in the first place,” Audrey said. Zoya didn’t say anything. Audrey threw her hands in the air in frustration. “Fine! Don’t tell me!”

“If Will’s condition worsens, I’ll tell you then.” Zoya left as well.

Audrey sighed.

Time to pack up.


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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

The penultimate chapter of the day.

First Impression: So it looks like Akol's admittance had an effect. But then you did mention that Will would straight up die so here it looks like it's more of a slow process. And a pretty interesting new creature there.

Zoya’s heart tore. She knew exactly what was wrong with Will and it was driving her crazy. Maybe, just maybe, Audrey would be smart enough and she’d figure it out herself. But Zoya doubted it. “Fat chance,” she muttered. She itched to tell Audrey what had happened but she had to be a good royal advisor and not break King Akolxohez’s promise.


More underhanded schemes. This plot continues to get more complicated. Great.

Audrey gasped at the beauty. It was a pegasus and unicorn mix. It had the feathery wings and the twisted horn. The creature had a long wavy mane that reached down to its shoulders. Its coat was shining under the three almost-gone moons. “It’s gorgeous,” she breathed.


Wait does that mean you have unicorns and pegasi in your world? (Random question: Feel free to ignore it)

“Oh.” Zoya nodded as she sat down beside Will. “I know what this is. It’s an alicorn. Only those who’ve fallen in love can see them.” She wrung her hands. “Don’t bring it near me please. I’m afraid of any animal larger than me. And I’ve heard they’re monstrous creatures - twenty feet tall.”

Will smirked despite all the pain traveling up and down his body. “How can it be monstrous if only those who have fallen in love can see them?”


She was clearly referring to the size Will. Don't be daft.

Will grunted. “Yeah like I didn’t know. Not like I’ve been barfing like crazy and having a migraine and also feeling feverish. Thank god it lasted for only the night. It felt like a decade.”


Wait why were not shown these details earlier. Talking about this stuff after the fact doesn't have a whole lot of impact. The impact would have been better if this stuff was shown in action.

“Honestly though, I’m hoping we can leave this place and go back to Earth. The excitement was fun while it lasted but now I feel stressed, Aud,” Will started. “When we go back I have to think about my new job. And I wonder if anyone noticed that we’re gone. Do you think the police are trying to find us? Or have we been wiped from everyone’s minds? Or has -”


Took them long enough to think about that. But this does give an accurate rendition of just how many things have happened to them in the past few days such that they only think of this now.

“If Will’s condition worsens, I’ll tell you then.” Zoya left as well.

Audrey sighed.

Time to pack up.


Well that was very cryptic.

Overall: A bit more development. Looks like it will be unicorn...uhh alicorn riding time soon. The angel's character is still not a 100% fleshed out though. The relationships with the others are going smoothly however, so that's great. The plot although feeling a tad rushed is doing okay barring the couple of holes I found earlier.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review!!



HarryHardy says...


Your Welcome!!!



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Gravitem wrote a review...



Okay, so there was a small hint that Will's sickness is because of Akol... I'm not sure what to think.

I think the plots still doing well. There's just one thing I thought wasn't as well done in this chapter. I think the introduction to alicorns could've been better.

“Oh.” Zoya nodded as she sat down beside Will. “I know what this is. It’s an alicorn. Only those who’ve fallen in love can see them.” She wrung her hands. “Don’t bring it near me please. I’m afraid of any animal larger than me. And I’ve heard they’re monstrous creatures - twenty feet tall.”


This just sounds a bit too plain, and I think there could've been a more detailed introduction? And, around this part, Zoya's reactions were a bit too quick and slightly unrealistic. It just didn't blend well. I think you should work on that.

The rest was good. I just hope Akol's fine and he finds that cure. Though, he doesn't need to not fall in love again. He looks way too good for that!

That's pretty much it.

Keep writing Liby!

Yours sincerely,
Myth <3




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review!! =D



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Tue Jun 09, 2020 6:23 pm
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Hkumar wrote a review...



Hi Liberty!

Zoya’s heart tore. She knew exactly what was wrong with Will and it was driving her crazy.

Okay so I might be a little rusty here but did Akol tell the little secret to Zoya about his feelings in any of the previous chapters? I am not able to remember this, sorry. Anyways it is very good to see that she cares so much about Will.

Zoya was staring right at Audrey. “Have you gone mad as well because of Will or something?”

I don't understand why Audrey is not taking this seriously. Why hasn't she figured out that something is going wrong here.

“Oh.” Zoya nodded as she sat down beside Will. “I know what this is. It’s an alicorn. Only those who’ve fallen in love can see them.”

I like this alicorn and this detail that you gave about him. It's like a symbol of true love. Though I really enjoyed how Zoya reacted to it and called it monstrous. She's always a joy to read.

Later on again Zoya tried to warn Will about his health but he refused to take notice of her serious remarks and acted like a stubborn. The way they both interact is always so interesting.

Obraya and Zoya were talking. Obraya was pale. Well, she was pale before as well but she looked a ghostly pale now. As soon as Audrey had entered, the two had silenced.

Did Zoya tell everything to Obraya? Wow. Well she must be trusting Obraya with such a crucial information. I mean before this chapter Zoya did not consider her to be trustworthy but now she decided to share this with her. It was good to see that Obraya tried her best to conceal this secret from Audrey and excused herself from the scene. I don't know when will Audrey realise that there's something fishy going around. A secret that everyone is trying to hide from her.

Keep writing :)




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review!! :)



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Thu Jun 04, 2020 5:29 pm
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hello Lib!

Am I.... finally caught up? Whaaaaat. Crazy. Anyway, let’s jump right in.

Zoya is easily becoming my favorite character. Her knowledge and wit is really pulling me in! I think you’re doing a really, really good job with her dialogue—her’s, especially, just feels realistic. And she’s radiating teenage energy, too! Not in a bad way, but I can totally tell she’s a teenager by her mannerisms and her witty speech. I would love to see a bit more characterization of Audrey and Will- the main thing about either of them that sticks out to me is that they love each other and Audrey is caring and Will is protective.

I love the alicorn and how only people who’ve fallen in love can see it. I also think the magestic-ness of the alicorn was captured nicely!

Will’s sickness definitely seems to be another plot line that’s emerging. I like how we get in Zoya’s head, because before I wasn’t 100% sure if Will was *really* sick or just *sick*, and Zoya has confimed for us that he’s *really sick* with something. I’m looking forward to seeing more descriptions of his deteriorating health- in this chapter, we see that he (maybe?) is getting skinnier.

Below, Gnomish mentions how the chapters have been pretty action-less. I honestly don’t mind, because it’s been fun reading interactions between the characters. But one suggestion I have if you’re stuck on some action to write (maybe you aren’t, but I thought I’d say it anyway!!): throw obstacles at your characters! Don’t make their only battle to battle once they get to the Skies- make their journey tough. Even just little tiny obstacles that make the reader hold their breath for a paragraph or two can dramatically increase intensity! It’s also good to keep in mind, though, how the obstacles can AFFECT and CHANGE a character that leads to GROWTH (or, the opposite of growth, lol).

I think that’s about it for this chapter! Can’t wait for more!!

Peace,
~EternalRain




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review and tip! I'll keep that in mind. Thank you! :)



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Gnomish wrote a review...



Hello!

This is an interesting chapter, especially with the ali corn and whatever happened between Zoya and Obraya. I'm just going to take a guess here and say that Will's sick because Akol is in love with Audrey?
While the character building and tension is interesting, I feel like there has been a lot of chapters where nothing actually happens and the characters are just discussing vaguely what they're going to do, without actually figuring it out.
I love Zoya and WIll's interactions, as well as how Audrey seems to slowly be warming up to Obraya, and Zoya and Obraya relate with "Oh my gosh, these stupid humans!".
That's all I have to say for this chapter, looking forward to the next!
-Gnomish




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review! And yeah, the only reason there hasn't been much action is because I'm really bad at it and I'm scared to start it too soon or too late. But expect action starting from the next chapter!



Gnomish says...


Excellent!



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Magebird wrote a review...



Hi, Liberty! I'm finally here to review your latest chapter.

(Just as a heads up - for some reason, it's listed underneath chapter one over on the right side of the page. It obviously doesn't affect the chapter itself, but I thought you might want to know.)

Zoya’s heart tore. She knew exactly what was wrong with Will and it was driving her crazy.


I'll admit that I had to reread the chapter thirteen to remember what had happened with Will, but that's definitely a problem on my end and not yours. My brain, apparently, just focused on Zoya wanting to sleep with Audrey and Will and not on the fact that Will was probably sick with something.

Also, I really love how badly Zoya wants to help Will!

She itched to tell Audrey what had happened but she had to be a good royal advisor and not break King Akolxohez’s promise.


Promise? What promise? Do I need to reread the last chapter Akol and Zoya interacted?

She reached for her wand that was on the ground and magicked her teeth clean. A mirror popped up in front of her after her command. She looked at her teeth. Perfect. The mirror vanished in a swirl of purple mist.


Convenient magic is the best kind of magic! I love how a little scene like this gives both insight into what's possible with Zoya's kind of magic and what the world you created is like.

She was laughing and stroking air that was right in front of her face.


Either Obraya is seeing things or she has an invisible friend - kind of like how only a few people can see thestrals in Harry Potter. I'm crossing my fingers that it's a new character.

“I mean, she has gone through a harsh break up…” Zoya shrugged. “And she looked like she was in a lot of pain the other day. She’s got Pains, Aud, and when a non-Human gets a Pain, it’s impossible to heal it.”


I'm not sure why, but I really love the way Zoya is talking here. I also love how you capitalized Pain. It's one of my favorite, minor literary tropes; there's just something cool about taking a regular old word and capitalizing it to make it important.

My one critique is that "non-Human" should probably be "non-human" or "nonhuman", but all that matters is that you keep that capitalization consistent throughout the novel.

The Angel jumped around in surprise. “G’mornin’!” she chirped. “He is gorgeous, ain’t ‘e?”


This little exchange is such a good way to show the complexity of Obraya's character. We see her as a villain when she's introduced, but her interaction with the pegasus/unicorn (pegasicorn? unigasus?) reveals a softer side to her character. Gentle animal interactions like this are the perfect way to make a character more likeable.

“No!” Audrey glanced at the creature then looked at Obraya. “Does he have a name?”

“Suki,” the Angel said lovingly, taking a bunch of Suki’s mane and she started braiding it.


Image


His voice was throaty and low.


I hope we find out what's wrong with Will soon. :(

Will grunted. “Yeah like I didn’t know. Not like I’ve been barfing like crazy and having a migraine and also feeling feverish. Thank god it lasted for only the night. It felt like a decade.”


Image


Everything you're sharing about Will's sickness is making me more and more worried for him!

“You’re telling me I’m going to ride something I can’t even see? Can’t we just use the portal? It’s only four days away!” Zoya shrieked.


In Zoya's defense, that does seem pretty terrifying.

I also love how it's Zoya who's the most against riding Suki - Will and Audrey are both the "new" characters to this world, but it's someone who's grown up in it that's not as prepared for something new. Maybe that's because Will and Audrey have been dealing with so much new stuff lately? I might just be over-analyzing things, but I feel like they're more open to new experiences/things because everything is new to them. Zoya has to change a mindset she's grown up with - one that apparently doesn't involved invisible, magical horses.

“And it’s only a day away on the alicorns,” Audrey pointed out.

“Child, don’t you want to get up there quick?” Will asked.


So that's what a pegasus-unicorn mix is called!

Also, there's just something hilarious about Will calling Zoya "child". Part of me was expecting Zoya to have a bigger reaction to it - it sounds like Will is teasing her - but she's also probably more focused on being afraid of riding an alicorn.

“Honestly though, I’m hoping we can leave this place and go back to Earth. The excitement was fun while it lasted but now I feel stressed, Aud,” Will started. “When we go back I have to think about my new job. And I wonder if anyone noticed that we’re gone. Do you think the police are trying to find us? Or have we been wiped from everyone’s minds? Or has -”


Nice one, Will! I wasn't thinking about that in regards to your story, but it's a question I've thought of before when reading/watching similar ones. I'm happy one of your characters is acknowledging it.

“As long as you have me, you’re fine.” Audrey said, combing back Will’s red curls.

He let a smile slip. “That’s my dialogue.”


It should be illegal to make these two so cute.

“What happened to her? She didn’t even have any belongings in the first place,” Audrey said. Zoya didn’t say anything. Audrey threw her hands in the air in frustration. “Fine! Don’t tell me!”

“If Will’s condition worsens, I’ll tell you then.” Zoya left as well.

Audrey sighed.

Time to pack up.


Uh oh.

Something tells me she just explained to Obraya what's up with Will. I have a sneaking suspicion it might have something to do with Akol's feelings for Audrey, but I'm honestly not sure. It might be something else that's totally unrelated.

Still, I love how Zoya got around the promise with Akol by telling someone other than Will and Audrey! It's a very Zoya thing to do, and it probably is important to let your team know everything. I have no idea if this direction is the one you're going in, but something tells me Obraya might be the one to spill the beans if Will doesn't get sick enough for Zoya to first.

All in all, this chapter was great! I really love the dynamic you're setting up between the characters - they're starting to feel like a little family. I especially love how Zoya and Obraya got off to a bad start, but they're able to bond over whatever's happening with Will. I have a feeling the two of them have more in common than they think they do. :)

I can't wait to read the next chapter~




Magebird says...


Something else I just noticed: you forgot the apostrophe in the title of the chapter. :P



Liberty says...


Promise? What promise? Do I need to reread the last chapter Akol and Zoya interacted?

I pinky promise you're not missing anything. xD

It should be illegal to make these two so cute.

I'll let Akol know.

they're starting to feel like a little family.

That's what I was hoping to do! uwu

Thanks for the review!! :]



Magebird says...


You're welcome! :)

And I feel like Askel would tell Akol that he can't make it illegal.



Liberty says...


Guess you have a point. xD



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LadyBug wrote a review...



Here I am, let’s just get started!
The next morning, Zoya woke up with a start. She’d just had a very vivid dream but now she couldn’t remember any of it. Running a hand through her tangled hair, she sat up on her sleeping bag.
Ooh, a nice intro. Maybe state the length of her hair, giving readers some subtle depth into what she looks like. I don’t think you mentioned her hair length before, so this is a great way to get it in there!
She’d just had a very vivid dream but now she couldn’t remember any of it.
That is very passive, though, and, we don’t want that, love.
Zoya woke up in a cold sweat, her mind racing at the remembrance of her distant nightmare, one that she could vaguely remember.
That’s just my style of phrasing it, you see how that is less, washy and uses more adjectives. Makes it more pieced together. ;)

She looked across the tent at Audrey and Will. They were both still sleeping, backs towards each other.

Again, a tad bit passive.

Zoya’s heart tore. She knew exactly what was wrong with Will and it was driving her crazy. Maybe, just maybe, Audrey would be smart enough and she’d figure it out herself. But Zoya doubted it. “Fat chance,” she muttered. She itched to tell Audrey what had happened but she had to be a good royal advisor and not break King Akolxohez’s promise.

Okay, so much to unpack here. One, the length is choppy. 2, a speaking part in the middle of the sentence, and a random, unneeded one at that. After stating in her mind that she doubted it, she proceeds to mutter to herself, or is there someone else here and you’re foreshadowing…

But a promise, maybe put that cheeky bit in it’s own paragraph, as it states a new idea.


She reached for her wand that was on the ground and magicked her teeth clean. A mirror popped up in front of her after her command. She looked at her teeth. Perfect. The mirror vanished in a swirl of purple mist. Soon enough, Zoya tip-toed out of the tent to get something to eat.

Okay, so needlessly wordy, with short, choppy sentences. Let me see more commas and semicolons, periods are not your best friends.

Zoya scrunched up the left side of her face and backed up. “What the…” She stared at the Angel. She was laughing and stroking air that was right in front of her face. Zoya backed up some more and tumbled into the tent which only woke up Audrey. Welp, somebody is bonkers… And I thought it was Zoya.
Will looked worse than before and for some reason, looked two times thinner than he really was. Not much time had passed. The poor guy -

Bibs, I don’t know if this is grammatically correct but I think you need a period after the -.

“Dammit, Zoya, you scared the guts right out of me.” Audrey placed her hand on her chest. She had bags under her eyes and she looked flustered.

She had bags under her eyes and she looked flustered. “She had” is in there twice, Bert. Get rid of the second one to help the reading flow.


Audrey twisted her face into confusion. “What?”

OK, hold up, is Will sleeping through this? Where is his witty comeback. How can Zoya see he’s twice as thin if he’s under a sleeping bag? Or am I just being stupid?

“I mean, she has gone through a harsh break up…” Zoya shrugged. “And she looked like she was in a lot of pain the other day. She’s got Pains, Aud, and when a non-Human gets a Pain, it’s impossible to heal it.”

She got PAINS Oof, is that how you’d word it. She has pains, or is Zoya saying it like she has some life-threatening illness but is being all cool and hip about it? A cAsE oF tHe PaIns. I’ll stop now.

The Angel jumped around in surprise. “G’mornin’!” she chirped. “He is gorgeous, ain’t ‘e?” She led the pegasus/unicorn - Audrey still didn’t know what they were called - towards Audrey, who squeaked in delight. The creature spread out its left wing and put its head under it, doing whatever it was they did.

What? Why is Obraya did I spell that wrong? suddenly australian sounding? Its? GIve them a gender or call them them please don’t disrespect the unicorn pegasus.

“Can I touch him?” Audrey asked, giddy. Obraya nodded.

Now they’re a him?

Right then, Will came out of the tent. The sun had started peeking out of the horizon now, shyly making its hike up to the top of the sky. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Suki. “Heck. This thing looks like God carefully hand-crafted this Himself.” His voice was throaty and low. He didn’t come near Suki but instead sat down on a nearby log.

Right then sounds a bit disruptive for our flow, Libster.

“He comes from the skies. We’ve been best buddies fer a while,” Obraya explained. “I asked fer ‘im to come earlier today ‘cause I’s feeling awfully lonely. I hope y’all don’t mind.”

Lobberty Libby, this sounds like Hagrid. That’s too much of a close call, hippogriffs and unicorns. Maybe make her posh sounding, this is too similar, even if you didn’t mean it.

“Oh.” Zoya nodded as she sat down beside Will. “I know what this is. It’s an alicorn. Only those who’ve fallen in love can see them.” She wrung her hands. “Don’t bring it near me please. I’m afraid of any animal larger than me. And I’ve heard they’re monstrous creatures - twenty feet tall.”

Hmm, now it kinda reminds me of a thesteral. Just sweet. Does it mean someone currently in love or someone who has “experienced” love? Lol, I mean, do fictional characters count?

Will smirked despite all the pain traveling up and down his body. “How can it be monstrous if only those who have fallen in love can see them?”The other person may not feel the same way. I doubt it’s fun

“Like I said, it’s like God hand-crafted him,” Will told her.

Oh, shut up and go back to bed, Will.

“You say that as if we’re best friends,” Will teased, nudging her. Zoya shot him a glare. “Yeah, you can.”

Libby, I must congratulate you on how well you portray their relationship. Kinda fond but also snarky, it’s sweet.


Will raised both his brows in surprise then shook his head in dismay. “Teenagers these days.”

Oh, shut up and go back to bed, Will. Yes, again. I mean, he was just describing his illness, but still.

“You’re telling me I’m going to ride something I can’t even see? Can’t we just use the portal? It’s only four days away!” Zoya shrieked.

Simple, add a cute guyor gal about 17, and stir up some cheesy teen romance real quick!

“Don’t you want to live?”

Oof.

“I’m pretty sure you’re on our side.” Audrey said, getting up to stand right next to her husband. “So end of meeting everyone. We leave after lunch.”

I’m kind of annoyed by Audrey but love her at the same time.

Obraya and Zoya shared an annoyed look.

This sounds sort of flimsy, maybe add an action after it?

After sharing an annoyed look, they start to pack up.

Or something along those lines.


The couple left the tent and sat around the once again blazing campfire. Will placed his head on Audrey’s lap. “I hope we can get over this soon,” they both said in unison. They looked at each other and laughed. “Weirdo.” Again in unison. They laughed again.

Aw, that made me smile!

Audrey put her finger on Will’s lips. He went silent right away. There was no point worrying now. They had made a promise with the king of Hell so who knew what would happen if they ran away or gave up.

KIng of Hell sounds like a rock band!

Obraya and Zoya were talking. Obraya was pale. Well, she was pale before as well but she looked a ghostly pale now. As soon as Audrey had entered, the two had silenced.

Hmm, nice way of edging some rivalry into our minds.

Time to pack up.

Oh my god.


Liberty, you already know my thoughts. Eye on the flow, more description! This was kind of nice and more heartwarming! Keep it up

Jade




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review! I agree with everything you said. :)




"I never expected that I should be a queen so soon."
— Alice's Adventures in Wonderland