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Something I Wrote While Listening to Music

by Lia5Giba

moonbeams crash over you like waves.

your eyes open to clouds soaring above your head, dancing among the comets that streak the night sky. above you is eternity, a stretching abyss that welcomes you with open arms. you lay on clouds, softer than feathers, that envelop you. a small tear falls down your face as you awake from your slumber, tracing a cool line against your skin. slowly you climb to your feet, your toes digging into the fluff beneath you. it is soft and cool.

again you look up at this beautiful place that surrounds you; a thousand stars shine above your head, seen clearly despite the clouds. and the clouds themselves shine, as if they have been doused in starlight. colors fly around you as if they are silken cloths, thrown to the wind; they flutter in the space, rippling blue and purple. the colors are like mist, and they shroud you, protecting you like a blanket, yet the sky is still visible.

another tear comes to your eye, but not because of sleep.

slowly, the clouds let you go and you float towards the heavens. color swirls through your fingertips and comes to rest on your shoulders, forming a robe that flutters behind you. it changes at every moment, slipping into nothing and then bursting again into a rainbow, rich violets and sapphires that fall and twist around you. the stars are there, in front of you, and they begin to fall. a rain of a thousand twinkling lights fills the void. one falls into your hand and stays for a moment, glowing brightly. then it leaps out of your hand to be with its brothers and sisters, soon to be replaced. you watch in wonder as the world, breathing with light and color against darkness, fills this sky with life.

you are weightless, a star falling in reverse, approaching the welcoming heavens.

[listen while reading]

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31 Reviews

Points: 973
Reviews: 31

Fri Jun 19, 2020 11:42 pm
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thepages says...

Yep...!ths z one great creation.

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127 Reviews

Points: 4389
Reviews: 127

Fri Jun 19, 2020 10:57 pm
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Gravitem wrote a review...

Yeah, this is probably inappropriate, but I feel like I'm on narcotics after reading that. I'm high! High as a kite. Better yet, high as a star! It was just a lot of imagery, and way too much for me to process with a brain that's been kept awake till 4:00 am. So, in conclusion; I think I chose the right time for this.

I literally experienced all that, you know? It was just magical. I need more of that. I don't think it would be appropriate to consider this a professional review. This is more like the kind of review you give to things you try. And boy, I tried this and it's GREAT! I'd give this a five-star rating!

Pardon how crazy I'm acting, but it's just all very comprehensible and non-comprehensible at the SAME TIME! Well, I think that's all I'm going to say...

I really want more of these. I'm going to try reading this with that music. I wonder how intoxicated(not in a bad way. In a perfectly fantabulous way) I'll feel with that!

Lia5Giba says...

I am glad you liked it. :D

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56 Reviews

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Reviews: 56

Fri Jun 05, 2020 10:12 pm
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Plume wrote a review...

WHAT WAS THIS?!? Amazing. Imagery? On POINT! Meaningful? Heck yes.

On a more serious note, great job. I really enjoyed reading this, and I really love the concept behind it. I haven't listened to the song yet, but I think once I do it will only amplify my love for this little bit of wonder you've blessed us with today.

I think that the lack of capitalization really adds to this piece. One grammatical suggestion: remove "and" from before "and the clouds themselves shine." I think it only clogs up your otherwise beautifully flowing piece.

I love your last line, and also really appreciate how this piece is written in the second person. It's a very interesting choice, and not one you often see, so... I applaud you! I think it adds to the mystique and tranquility.

Someone else in the reviews also mentioned the tears, and I have to say I was also a little confused by them. Other than that, glorious piece. You're a phenomenal writer.

Lia5Giba says...

Thank you so, so much! Really. I just listened to the music in the link and wrote what I heard.

Lia5Giba says...

I might not take your suggestion, just because to me personally it reads a bit better, but thank you for it. Really and truly. :D

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Points: 90
Reviews: 2

Fri Jun 05, 2020 9:55 pm
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Noellee77 says...

Nice song, love the way you explained and expresed your self. I would sugest that insted of using all the comas space it out more.

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483 Reviews

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Reviews: 483

Fri Jun 05, 2020 8:10 pm
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Que wrote a review...

Hi Lia!

I think this was a really cool piece, and I listened to the link while reading it--it seemed really fitting to me.

I like all of your colorful imagery, but the last line of "a star falling in reverse" is really very striking--I might suggest adding in more celestial imagery if you want? There's so much you can play with, stars and planets and galaxies, and it would be really cool if you explored that a little more.

Additionally, this feels very poetic. While it's kind of set like prose, I wonder if you might want to try playing with formatting a little more? Just because this is so very atmospheric, it would be really interesting if you gave it some spacing, set some lines by themselves, and maybe different alignments of text. I feel like this could give your work a very space/sky-like appearance, and it would also make the reader slow down and sort of drift between your words much like the narrator is drifting in the sky. You don't have to, but it could be something neat to try! :)

One thing that felt a little out of place were the narrator's two tears. I think given the music, it fits in well with the tone--a little bittersweet. However, it feels significant but unexplained, especially because you left the second of those lines by itself. I'm searching for some sort of meaning or followup which isn't there, so I wonder if you could drop some more emotional hints? That's really the only time we get a glimpse into the narrator's thoughts. I don't think you should explicitly state the narrator's thoughts, because it's beautiful and simple as it is, but more little details like the tear would help to build the image. :)

Overall, I really liked this! It was a great mood piece and enjoyable to read while listening. I also loved the bodily/physical imagery paired with the celestial imagery, it served as a nice grounding point for your piece. Very nice job!


Lia5Giba says...

Thank you for your feedback. I wrote this while I was listening to the music, actually, so it's supposed to fit together. I tried to capture the feeling of floating, or something along those lines. I'm glad it worked, at least in some ways. It's not my music, but the person who did make it has some other cool things, too.

I'll think about your ideas. I kind of shot this out in one go while I was swayed by the music, but your criticisms and suggestions make sense. Thank you for them. :D

*cries into coffee*
— LadyLizz