Hey! I noticed this amazing piece still doesn't have a second review, so I decided to step in.
First off, you're an amazing singer. Truly. Every "why" had me reeling because I kinda always knew you were this talented but WOW. That was impressive.
Anyways, I love the story you're telling with this piece. Showing both perspectives of the relationship was quite clever. It seems that the narrator was probably closer to Jesse than Justin, and of course notices all that's wrong with Jesse and puts the blame on Justin before seeing that it was actually Jesse's fault. I too have been through friend's breakups like this, and how I'm expected to hate their ex just because they broke up with my friend.
Another thing you do very well in this piece is showing not telling. It's a very masterful skill, and is evident in lines like
But when I see Jesse and her makeup is gone
and
Over the summer they walked together
Stealing moonlit moments under midnight skies
She told me all about it
Sharing kisses in the rain
Flowers on her doorstep every Sunday
You don't need to say explicitly that Jesse and Justin were in love, you just let the reader draw that conclusion for themselves. And in the first example, you shift the tone when you say Jesse isn't wearing any makeup, and also later in the song when you mention her eye bags. There's obviously something bothering her, and even though you never say, it still comes across. So good job.
A couple critiques: in the beginning, you mention Dani and Cass, but they never really come up later in the song. It seems that they (or Cass, at least) was there for the rhyme, and, in my opinion, kinda clogs an otherwise beautiful piece. It seems trivial in the grand scheme of things.
I think if you wanted, it could benefit from a more pattern-like structure. Now it seems a little random. It still works, though, so this suggestion isn't necessary.
Also, I mentioned this in my previous comment, but I just love the line "flowers on her doorstep every Sunday." It's so beautiful, and symbolizes a relationship perfectly, with the perfect amount of sweetness and routine.
To close this out: impressive and gorgeous song. And like, if you ever want a piano accompaniment/instrumental aspect of it, you can send me a recording and I can see what I can do. (This is sorta a joke (but also not really I'm lowkey being serious here) but like... you wanna start a band?)
I%u2019m glad you liked the song. Your criticisms make sense, and I%u2019ll see if I can change the song. Also... I can forward you the link. I have it saved, so... yeah, I can send it. I didn%u2019t know you played piano!
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Reviews: 672
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