Young Writers Society

Hello again!

Let us get on with the review!

Writing Commentary

The daughter of Demeter was swift and dodged every single blow that Abderus had for her. Her brown hair was tied back in a braid, and her skin was dripping with sweat. She still managed to make it look easy.

I like how you wrapped the fight scene and character description into one! In my older writings, I find that I overwrote a lot of fight scenes, thus making them a lot less exciting than they ought to be. I don’t know if I have mentioned this very much, but I really like how your fight scenes are quick and succinct! It makes me excited for what is to come!

Josephine twisted her neck to the left and Dimitra’s hands exploded into a million pieces of blood, ice, and bone fragments. Josephine dropped to the floor, her vision fading, as the daughter of Enyo dropped next to her, except now, only one of them was breathing. Dimitra’s eyes rolled into the back of her head as she bled out.

This scene here is some great carnage! I love how even Josephine’s movements seem violent in this moment before Dimitra is defeated. Her hands exploding into pieces is a fun picture to paint, showing how dangerous these battles really are. It also hints at Persephone’s experience as a god, and lack of aversion to killing.

Story Commentary

Josephine couldn’t help but feel bad for her as they dragged Dimitra’s body out of her line of sight. She took a deep breath and touched her cold neck as the crowd burst into a million emotions: some angry because they lost money, and some extremely happy because they won money. Some of those people would never have to work again—all because they bet on Ares’ and Aphrodite’s daughter.

This line sums up some of Josephine’s mixed emotions on why she’s doing this all too well. She feels bad for giving into the sport of war, all while substituting this for some sort of pride, feeling a sense of accomplishment knowing that people bet on her (her being quite apprehensive about her abilities) to win. It’s an admirable trait of her character!

“I would defend you, but I need your help with something more,” She stepped in front of Josephine, “Help me take down that scumbag of a god. Hermes.”

Persephone has this air of mysticism around her. She comes off as cunning, but lovable at the same time, but what a wild card! She wants to take down Hermes? He’s one of the twelve in this world, so wouldn’t that be VERY punishable? Regardless, it’s exciting to hear!

Closer ~ theorycrafting

I wonder what Hermes did? I understand he’s the messenger of the gods, and he works closely with Hades to guide people through Tartarus, right? I wonder if it has something to do with that…

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this fight certainly turned out to be even more intriguing than I expected it to be. So many unexpected twists there and it definitely is the sort of chapter that gets you thinking. Very excited to see all of the twists in this one pay off.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Josephine watched Persephone. The daughter of Demeter was swift and dodged every single blow that Abderus had for her. Her brown hair was tied back in a braid, and her skin was dripping with sweat. She still managed to make it look easy. Josephine had heard about every story regarding Persephone and how her mother kept her locked away for years. She’d learned earlier that Persephone had just recently discovered her powers—shifting seasons, making flowers bloom. Not very useful gifts to have in battle, though.

Persephone made up for it with how absurdly quick she was. Josephine had never seen anything like it. Abderus was the son of Hermes, the fastest god, and he was a well-known hero. Persephone’s win would be an upset—causing millions of people all over Olympia to lose tons of coins.

Hmm well that's quite the introduction there for Persephone. Gotta love the value of simply being able to just not get hit. Looking forward to seeing how this goes. It seems like a textbook look at someone who is either a friend of Josephine's or is on the way to becoming one soon.

Eventually, Persephone took out Abderus with one more slice of her sword to his leg, and he fell, leaving the daughter of Zeus and Demeter victorious. Josephine decided right then and there that she would make the daughter of spring and lightning her ally.

A wide smile spread across Persephone’s face as she wiped the blood from her blade and disappeared under the over path. Abderus was dragged away by guards.

It was Josephine’s turn. As she entered the arena, onlookers cheered and screamed. She couldn’t make out any plain sentences—it was all a blur. All she could focus on was the way Dimitra was staring at her from across the dirt. The tall, toned, tanned-skinned girl met her eyes with malicious intent, causing Josephine to draw her sword and get into stance.

Well that was about as predicted and well it appears we're about to gear up for that fight now. I have a feeling Josephine is going to get approached her by Persephone once she wins this fight and I'm very excited to see how exactly that will play out here.

“Ladies and gentlemen, deities and gods, children and yonder!” The announcer, Hermes, exclaimed, throwing his hands up wildly in the air, “We now have the daughter of Ares and Aphrodite, versus the daughter of Enyo and Asclepius!”

The crowd roared. It seemed like this was the main event. An evil smile materialized on Dimitra’s face and made Josephine’s skin crawl. Maybe she wasn’t ready. Maybe Theseus was wrong—

“Begin!” The announcer blew the loud, obnoxious horn.

I am loving that start already. Gotta love the big grand opening followed by Josephine having a moment and just thinking oh no, I really have no clue what to do here. I suppose one moment of sudden heroism there isn't necessarily going to help her out if she still has no clue how to actually weaponize it.

Next thing she knew, Dimitra was wielding a bow and arrow. Josephine had to think fast. She noticed that Dimitra must have injured her left leg in sparring, as she was slightly limping. Dimitra was doing so much to hide it—she wore a clear double layer of armor and instead of standing with her left leg first, she was standing with her right. Dimitra was left-handed.

Josephine just needed to get to her before the arrow killed her first. Dimitra raised her arms, and pulled the bow back, raising the weapon to her eyes to get a clear shot. Josephine waited, never breaking eye contact, and grinned.

Well there comes that first callback on the bow and arrow. Now to see whether Josephine is in fact going to have figured out some sort of strategy unless of course simply smiling is going to be the plan in which case this is about to be quite the fight.

This seemed to confuse Dimitra enough that the young goddess missed Josephine by two inches. Josephine ran for Dimitra and lifted her left leg to connect with her injured leg.

Dimitra cried out and grabbed Josephine by her neck, lifting her up so that her feet were dangling beneath her. Josephine could feel nothing but her lower body getting colder… and colder… and colder… as she was being choked. She couldn’t move, she tried moving her hands to Dimitra’s to pull them off—but nothing seemed to work.

Well that was quick. Certainly a smart ploy there, but its immediately obvious that she is very much weaker than she needs to be in order to make this a challenging fight. That just immediate overpowering definitely puts that very clearly in perspective, so whatever happened earlier with Theseus is very much still rather dormant. Let's see how she gets out of this. I have a weird feeling Persephone and her "useless" powers for battle might come into play judging from that cold.

She started to get insanely cold. She knew something was happening, but her face was now so swollen that she couldn’t even open her eyes. The crowd went quiet for the most part, the onlookers whispered to each other, and Dimitra squeezed Josephine’s neck even harder.

“What trick is this, huh?” Dimitra whispered with rage, “Please don’t tell me the daughter of Ares and Aphrodite can control the seasons! What a surprise that would be, wouldn’t it, weak one?”

Control the seasons? No, that couldn’t be. Aphrodite could do no such thing, and Ares would rather be killed than to—

Persephone.

Well I'll be...wow. At some point I have to guess wrong but wow. This is also really a bit on the nose there by Persephone, I can't help but thing this is going to have consequences. Unless of course there simply isn't a rule against this type of thing in these fights.

Dimitra’s hands got so cold that they started to become literal icicles. She loosened her grip. She screamed and tried to move her arms, but she could not. Wind was blowing only around Dimitra’s hands, as if Persephone was wielding their power only to free Josephine.

Josephine twisted her neck to the left and Dimitra’s hands exploded into a million pieces of blood, ice, and bone fragments. Josephine dropped to the floor, her vision fading, as the daughter of Enyo dropped next to her, except now, only one of them was breathing. Dimitra’s eyes rolled into the back of her head as she bled out.

Well that was a bit of a gruesome end for the poor girl. Wasn't expecting something quit so dramatic but I suppose given that rating, it isn't exactly surprising. Well Josephine certainly didn't win that fight fairly, so it's going to be very interesting to see if that matters at some point. I certainly can't imagine Ares being thrilled about it, given what we've seen of him so far.

Josephine couldn’t help but feel bad for her as they dragged Dimitra’s body out of her line of sight. She took a deep breath and touched her cold neck as the crowd burst into a million emotions: some angry because they lost money, and some extremely happy because they won money. Some of those people would never have to work again—all because they bet on Ares’ and Aphrodite’s daughter.

She stood up reluctantly and disappeared into the inside of the arena. She took a seat in one of the spare rooms used to prepare for battles and took her head in her hands. She immediately started sobbing. She killed someone. In the first trial, the son of Zeus lived—just barely—but he lived.

The door slowly opened, and Josephine didn’t bother to look up. If it happened to be another contestant, she didn’t want to make herself look weaker than she already is. Although, she did somewhat prove herself as a force to be reckoned with today.

Hmm well it seems the people are either fooled completely or they just don't care as long as they get the bloodshed that they are here for. Certainly another moment to be considering there going forward. And I'm going to take a wild guess and assume Persephone is the one entering here so that conversation is going to prove intriguing too.

“Congratulations.”

The female voice was worm and inviting, and Josephine allowed herself to look up. Persephone stood there, her hazel eyes scanning the handprints on Josephine’s neck. Persephone was no longer dressed in battle gear, she was wearing a white lace dress that covered her modestly, yet still hugged her shape; and silver sandals that wrapped around her feet like vines. She looked absolutely stunning.

“Why’d you help me?” Josephine asked. Her words barely came out—and delivered as more of a whisper.

Persephone waltzed across the room and glanced out the window at the crowds of people exiting the arena, “A ‘thank you’ would do just fine.”

Well she certainly is already intriguing with that kind of entrance. As much as these twists have been a little predictable I am not complaining at all and Persephone is already proving to be a really cool character here. I can't wait to see where this leads.

“Thank you,” She looked back down at her feet and played with her hands. She wasn’t going to ask the goddess anything more. She’d already done more than enough and asking for answers seemed a little greedy. Josephine was just lucky to be alive. She felt Persephone’s gaze land on her.

“My lover told me about you,” She started as she took a seat next to Josephine, “He saw your fate. And I think we could help each other.”

Her fate? This lover she spoke of must be Hades, as she’d learned from others around Olympus. Hades had kept her locked away In the Underworld and forced her to plant a garden—to create life. That’s what was in the storybooks, but Josephine wondered if Persephone ever truly loved Hades, or if she was planning her way to escape. The Fates, however, were soulless beings, the unliving, who decided how you were eventually going to perish. Hades had the ability to see what Fates decided. He could also save souls—at the risk of tarnishing his own power.

Well that's definitely interesting. I didn't even consider the fact that Persephone here is going to have the benefit of Hades of all people as her lover. That definitely will be quite intriguing to see as well we're already seeing effects of how that's going to make Josephine's life a little more interesting.

Josephine didn’t bother to ask any questions about her fate. She knew that even if Persephone knew, she wouldn’t be able to tell. The Fates will automatically condemn you to the Underworld for speaking of someone’s way of death.

“You do not die today, nor tomorrow, nor the next day,” Persephone continued, “If you were wondering.”

Josephine mustered out a soft laugh and stood up, brushing herself off in the process.

“How do you think we could help each other?”

Well that was certainly important information to have. You gotta know if your new friend is only conspiring with you for a single day or two. Jokes aside though, I like this little icebreaker that's going on here. Its a nice little touch for us to get a feel for them here. Persephone definitely feels like she'll be important going forward.

In Josephine’s case, it was pretty obvious. Persephone, having a gift, could defend her and give Josephine time to discover hers. As for Persephone’s advantage, Josephine couldn’t think of anything—unless Persephone already knew what her gift would be.

“I would defend you, but I need your help with something more,” She stepped in front of Josephine, “Help me take down that scumbag of a god. Hermes.”

Oh dear what did poor Hermes do. Not often he's the villain at least in stories that I've read so this goes significantly more interesting. Very excited to see what the deal with that is going to end up being.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall another lovely chapter this one. There was quite some promise built up to that fight and it has very much exceeded expectations in the craziness than it has. I can't wait to see the aftermath of this in the coming chapters.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate

Ze Lady Off Mystery is back for another review!

I'll start with some general story stuff. Sprinkle some Grammar in and whatnot.

Again, I like the way you describe stuff. I'm personally a fan of Persephone and Hades, so it was cool to see Persephone in this story!

The environment you create for the arena is nice too. The way the surroundings are blurred in Josephine's focus.

I like the anxiety and tension we have building in this sentence here,

The crowd roared. It seemed like this was the main event. An evil smile materialized on Dimitra’s face and made Josephine’s skin crawl. Maybe she wasn’t ready. Maybe Theseus was wrong—

This sentence could be possibly rewritten slightly. I find it a bit strange to read. Its one of those sentences you have to read twice to properly understand what is being said.

Josephine just needed to get to her before the arrow killed her first.

Maybe something like, "Josephine(or She) had to get to Demetri before the arrow found its way to Josephine." something that possibly just clarifies who the "hers" are referring to. You could even just replace one "her" with a different title or something.


A little bit of a run-on sentence here

This seemed to confuse Dimitra enough that the young goddess missed Josephine by two inches.

You could probably just pop a little comma in there.

I saw this addressed in another review, so I shall only point out that i found the same problem. Its confusing to read.

Josephine ran for Dimitra and lifted her left leg to connect with her injured leg.

I love the sort of state of shock we feel she is in here. You just describe her walking into the rest area, and then once she has sat down, does the emotion and description come.

She stood up reluctantly and disappeared into the inside of the arena. She took a seat in one of the spare rooms used to prepare for battles and took her head in her hands. She immediately started sobbing. She killed someone. In the first trial, the son of Zeus lived—just barely—but he lived.

Little tiny grammar thing here, "Warm" instead of "worm"

The female voice was worm and inviting,

That's about it! I enjoy Persephone and Josephine's partnership, and maybe friendship? maybe later hehe. At the end of this chapter.

Now it is time for me to vanish in a puff of green smoke! Farewell!

I got tripped up reading this section-

Josephine ran for Dimitra and lifted her left leg to connect with her injured leg.

The two hers right after each other but referring to two different people is understandable with context, but the reader has to put more work into understanding what the action is.

Otherwise, really good. P.S. You are know your good when the reviews have to get into editing the grammar.