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2089: Love in the Time of War (Part 1 of 3)

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In 2089 the world was in the middle of the third world war. In the preceding decades the global population had swollen to an unimaginable 10 billion souls. And souls had to eat.

For years the U.N. had tried to coordinate the efforts of many countries to attempt to alleviate some of the famine, but any success was quickly followed by more failure. Eventually the strain on the commodities markets acted as the catalyst for the domino effect that collapsed the world economy. Then no one ate.

China had the densest population on the planet, this was common knowledge. It stood to reason, thought many, that they were to be blamed above the rest. The raving masses demanded retribution. It wasn't until rumors began to circulate that the Chinese were developing a super-weapon that things began to escalate.

Many armies attacked and the only option left to the Chinese was to use their super-weapon. It was devastating. They destroyed their enemies and themselves in the process. Most of the continent was uninhabitable from that point on. Tremors rocked the world, the aftershocks lasted for days. As a result there were many 'natural' disasters: floods, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions; all contributed to the problems.

Then, the world turned to the country that was always there in times of need, whenever something horrible happened it was there to lend a hand. The U.S. The United States hadn't the resources to help anyone at this point. Thousands of government run agricultural projects were underway, taking advantage of the vast unused landscape of the country, but none would yield anything for several months.

Envious of our soon-to-be crops and angry at the lack of assistance, many nations declared war and sent armies. The American military was put to the test. Over time other wars broke out between other countries and within three years the instruments of modern warfare were all used up. Tanks, planes, and ships had all been used and destroyed by someone else. The more high-tech side of war went extinct; infantry was the only martial avenue left. Men and boys everywhere were conscripted into the infantry. Among these teens Cody Baker, 13, was taken. His family had died in a raid two years before and he was left alone. Codyʼs reason for living, for fighting, was a spunky young girl of the same age. This girl and her aunt took him in and they sheltered him until he was conscripted.

In the infantry Codyʼs head was shaved and he was rushed through a boot camp that could have easily killed him; and did many. He didnʼt understand why the military wanted to kill off the weaklings when there were so few soldiers to begin with. But he survived, his will to live was too strong. Strengthened by one simple thought: Sonya. The young woman heʼd left behind. He loved her with a passion paralleled by few even in these desperate times when people werenʼt afraid to love; people were afraid of so much else that they had no fear left to spare on such insecurities. In the infantry he fought, killed, slept in the mud or not at all, ate whatever he could find and sewed up his own wounds. He hated it, every damn minute of it. If Sonya werenʼt alive Iʼd end it all in an instant with my own gun, he thought. He lived for her.

One day he was transferred to his home state in the U.S. The entire southwest, where he used to live, had been completely overrun by hostile forces. His platoonʼs job was to weaken those forces in that area in hopes that the land may be recovered. All that hope was destroyed when an aircraft, a legend of bygone years, flew overhead and rained bombs down on the whole area. His entire platoon was wiped out.

His best friend for the past four years, Daniel, lay in the mud on the side of the trail propped up against a tree that was charred and broken in half. Cody crawled, still shell-shocked, to see if his fears were true. He grabbed Danielʼs ankle and gave it a shake; nothing. Cody stood to get a better look at him. It was obvious from Danielʼs wounds that heʼd died instantly. God still has some mercy, Cody thought. Cody removed Danielʼs dog-tags and stowed them in his pack; there was no family waiting to receive them.

Cody had met Daniel on his first day of basic training. They were the same age and the only two in their group who didnʼt have to shave. It was difficult for the drill instructor to tell them apart at first; same height, same build, same innocence and naiveté, same hair. It wasnʼt long before their individual talents and weaknesses could be used to differentiate the two; and in the following years Codyʼs hair went blonde naturally.

Cody was the fighter and the good soldier. He put on muscle fast, could handle sleep deprivation and remained quite calm under pressure with loud explosions around him. Daniel was thinner, weaker and wore glasses; his nearsightedness wasnʼt diagnosed until a month of poor target practice had gone by.

Daniel was special, he spoke often of truth, and courage and honor and how he hated himself for not possessing these things as readily as he would have liked. Cody didnʼt think so much, he just reacted and lived from moment to moment in the beginning. Cody dragged Daniel through basic training. On more than one occasion Cody had to pull a weeping Daniel out of a pit and force him or carry him to the end of the exercise. Cody was the strength in the field.

When they left basic for the war they went across the Atlantic to fight. As Cody had grown in mind and depth a sense of dread and sorrow had begun to creep inside him and grow. Daniel was the antidote. When he spoke of honor and hope and how good always prevailed over evil eventually it put Codyʼs heart at ease for a time. Daniel was the strength in the cold dark hours when grave thoughts of hopelessness and fear would wreak havoc on menʼs souls. Danielʼs father had been a literature professor at a university that no longer stood. He often spoke of Shakespeare; Cody had heard Daniel whispering to himself many times before charging an enemy, “Once more into the breach dear friends.” It was one of Danielʼs totems of strength, the words of those authors that he held in such high regard. Daniel was like the chaplain of the platoon though he was not concerned with a particular faith. Men three times his age would come to him seeking a modicum of peace just so they could sleep.

Cody and Daniel were a team that took turns taking care of each other and had decided that when the war was over they would build a home in the mountains far away from any evidence of war and, with Sonya by Codyʼs side, be content with that.

For the first time Cody felt the darkness surge with strength in his belly. Cody had learned to feel death; or life. He could look over a battlefield and guess how many survivors were waiting in it—usually he was off only by one or two. He felt no life near him now. Cody placed his hand on Danielʼs head as a sign of admiration that he felt was important to perform. He thought of their life together and wondered what Daniel would say to comfort him now if he were here. Cody looked around without hope to find Danielʼs ghost. Cody felt the warm abating from Danielʼs body and suddenly felt the gesture was pointless and hollow. This wasnʼt Daniel anymore, he was a casualty, nothing more. He thought, thereʼs no reason to pay homage to an empty shell.

Daniel would say that mourning is the function of the mourner. He closed his eyes and hoped that Danielʼs spirit, if it were there, could sense his feelings. Cody withdrew his hand and started walking.

He didnʼt know how he would get back to HQ by himself but he had to go on. As he walked through the wind and the pouring rain he began to recognize certain landmarks, and then he knew exactly where he was. About 15 miles from his old home, with Sonya. He thought for a moment; he had to know. He abandoned his route and took off at a run, the pace only capable by trained infantry. He wandered for a moment when he knew he was close. Heʼd been in the infantry for 4 years and couldnʼt quiet remember... And there it was, at the end of the row near the wash. He ran towards it. His next sight made his blood go cold. The house was crushed and burned; a mortar. The one thing heʼd been fighting for this whole time was dead and gone. He had no more purpose and no desire to fight over ruins any longer. He was tired of death, pain and suffering. How could we have fallen so far? It was time to check out.

The hairs on the back of his neck suddenly stood up, telling him someone was close. It was another sensitivity he had developed in the infantry, the ability to know someone was there even before they did. He heard a slushy footstep in the mud telling him the target was exactly forty feet directly to his 6 oʼclock. He didnʼt move. If this were any other circumstance the target would be dead already, but he had no reason to live; why should he care. But, before ending his own life, he decided, he would kill one more of them. Make at least one oʼ those bastards pay for what they did; for taking his Sonya. So in a flash he grabbed up his rifle, rolled to the side and aimed at the silhouetted figure from a crouched position. Something inside him made him hesitate— something that had been literally beaten out of him in basic training. There stood a person with long dark hair, gentle fragile hands, a torn gown and deep, brown, tear filled eyes. The rain falling on both of them was the only sound, it separated both of them from each other, and each of them from the rest of the world. Neither of them moved. As Cody studied her more closely he saw that her skin was a pail tan tone that seamed to glow in the gray drear of the day. He looked up from his gunsight to confirm his thought.

“So-ss-son....” he could barely speak past the lump in his throat. But then out of the silence came the name...

“Cody?” the figure spoke. A sweet beautiful voice that spoke every vowel and consonant with hope.

“SONYA!” Cody croaked at last. The rifle hit the ground and sank into the mud. The figures ran to each othersʼ embrace. Their hearts beating fast and their spirits lifting. They pressed their lips together.

“I was beginning to think I would never see you again,” she cried.

“I thought you were dead when I saw the house and...” Cody was saying when she silenced him with another kiss. They held each other in the rain for what seamed like years but was only minutes. Finally she took his hand and led him away into the mist.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
jumpingsheep
Review

Wow, this story had me hooked right from the beginning! I loved the concept of it; t'was a nice twist on "lovers searching for each other".

I would be wary of introductions like you had in the beginning, where the history of the war is written out. Though this introduction was done well, be careful not to "info-dump" and provide a bunch of information in one long passage, which can sometimes bore a reader.

Although, like I said, that was not a problem here :)

Keep up the good work, and I love how vivid the descriptions were and how clean the chapter was (little to no errors!).

User avatar
myjaspercat
Review

Hey Lazarus89,
Myjaspercat here for a review on review day....

I know that this isn't technically in the green room anymore, but I want to review the other two parts you do have there (even if they end up with two reviews by the time I finish this one). So, that being said I want to review, that way I have all the background and I know what is going on. Hope you don't mind.... Anyways, I'm also going to try and change up my reviewing a bit; I'm going to nitpick first then to the whole overview/impression thing. Before I continue rambling, onwards...

It stood to reason, thought many, that they were to be blamed above the rest.
---It might just be me but I feel as if this needs a little rewording, right now, as it stands it just seems odd coming off the tongue (<- think I spelled that right).

Envious of our soon-to-be crops and angry at the lack of assistance, many nations declared war and sent armies.
---Ok, so here it feels as if you change tense. Before the language of the piece was more of a historic, 'what happened way back then' feel but now it's more 'it's happening here and now'. I came to the conclusion that it probably had to be because of the whole 'of our...' thing so I would suggest rewording it a bit.

Men and boys everywhere were conscripted into the infantry. Among these teens Cody Baker, 13, was taken.
--- Now this might be really nitpicky-y but when you said men and boys then you're talking about a whole range of people. However, your second sentence says 'amongst these teens...' which then led me to believe that it was only teens drafted. This leaves a little bit of question in my mind of the range of men/ boys drafted, so can you clear it up a bit. (I hope that made sense to you).

Cody's reason for living, for fighting, was a spunky young girl of the same age. This girl and her aunt took him in and they sheltered him until he was conscripted.
---Jumping ahead a little, but I want to know more about this girl. Obviously she is important not only to the story but to Cody, so give us more. What does she look like? How did they meet and why does Cody feel so attached; mainly what happened?

The young woman he'd left behind. He loved her with a passion paralleled by few even in these desperate times when people weren't afraid to love; people were afraid of so much else that they had no fear left to spare on such insecurities.
--- Ok so a few things here; one Cody is a teen right? Therefore why would he be dating a 'young women'. Mainly what I'm trying to say here is that wording is everything (as a writer, you may understand that) so remember to check your wording as you write there as it wont cause confusion. Second, the second paragraph seems long and confusing. I didn't really understand what you were trying to say here...elaborate.

Ok, before I write to much with these nitpicks, I want to get down my overall opinion and feelings about this story...

First things is I noticed you tend to add a space between an apostrophe and the last letter of a word. For example; 'Cody'_s', now the line isn't actually but I hope it just shows you what I mean. Reading your story I didn't really notice it as much but when I went to quote some pieces of your text it stood out (and was underlined in that squiggly red) making it harder to review because I would get distracted. That being said, my one suggestion would to be to check and make sure that you don't add that extra space.

Second, your entire beginning was so... boring. Mainly it's because it was all just an info dump and that in itself leaves your reader wanting more and well, yawing. We really don't care about this whole background of the war thing if it's being told so mundane. This all leads to my next point, Show don't tell. Let's brush up on that for a sec before I give you an example...

writing tends to draw an image in the reader’s mind instead of just telling the reader what to think or believe...You may have noticed that it takes many more words to show rather than tell. A story that is filled with such detailed descriptions could become tiresome, so just as you mix long sentences with short sentences to create variety and keep your readers interested, it’s often wise to mix sections that show with sections that tell to keep your story moving...The “show, don’t tell” rule applies most strongly to fiction. You’re telling a story, setting a scene, perhaps even creating a world. You want your readers to use their imagination and bring those characters and scenes to life, and that’s easier for them to do if you’ve started painting the picture.
--- ok so that's it for the brush up, however I do recommend that you read more. You can check out this site -> http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/educat ... l?page=all which is where I quoted the above from.

So on with the example.
In 2089 the world was in the middle of the third world war. In the preceding decades the global population had swollen to an unimaginable 10 billion souls. And souls had to eat.
---Now I cant do much, but I want to show you what it could be like if you were to show us a little more. "2089, the middle of hell, or as some said. The planet had become nothing more then a bloody wasteland. It all started year's earlier, as our population started to grow until mother earth could no longer sustain its inhabitants." Anyways, I hope you see what I mean there. Show don't tell.

Alright, well I'm done with this part ( I think). If you have any questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing. -Myjaspercat
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"Life isn't divided into genres. It's a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel." --Alan Moore

Thank you for your review!

your welcome, any time

User avatar
Megrim
Review
Megrim wrote a review · Thu Jun 18, 2015 12:51 am

Heya, thought I'd stop by for a brief review, since I love sci-fi. There's some good stuff here, but personally I'm not a fan of the execution, so I wanted to at least make some comments on how one reader felt.

There are a lot of great things here--an interesting character, a deeply personal loss, a rich history and developed world--but they're buried under long explanations of backstory and telling (as in showing vs telling). I'm not sure you need the first five paragraphs at all. They give us lots of details, and it's lovely to see how well thought-out this future history is, but it's all set-up--and again, telling. In a way, it's like being given a history lecture. Lots of facts to remember. The description of Cody and Daniel's relationship is presented in a similar manner: factually, like a report.

But you need these details, you're probably thinking! They're what makes your story *your story.* I'm not suggesting you throw out all the wonderful worldbuilding you've done, but you might want to consider incorporating it more subtly into the narrative, and using showing instead of telling. Only a small percent of this submission is actually a scene. A little bit in the middle, and then mostly at the end. That's when we see dialogue, actions, a point of view, something happening in the right here and now. I know other readers will be different, but personally I want more of that. As for how to keep the history without having the long explanation, that's probably going to be tricky, and could mean a lot of rewriting. In my own writing, when I find chunks of telling, I usually C&P them into a "notes" file and use them as a guideline to make sure I show everything I wanted to.

Let me see if I can think of a brief example of the kind of things you could do. There's mention of how he's transferred to his home state in the SW, now overrun. It's stated factually, but I don't really have an image to picture, or anything personal to evoke emotions. That's the sort of thing that could be painted with the setting, when you set the stage for the scene. He could be in a trench on one side of the downtown of a town he lived near, and see familiar buildings/landmarks now taken over, re-decorated with foreign culture or filled with foreign troops or something. For me, specificity goes a long way toward making a really vivid picture and emotional context.

So basically if it were me I would take all of the history and backstory (stuff about WW3, Cody's personal past, training, and relationships, etc) and fade it into the background and setting. I'd use dialogue, specific memories, and context to fill in those details in a subtle manner, without directly stating them. (For example you can show a war-torn country and the reader will understand without you having to state that it is war-torn). I'd see if I could make the scenes longer, with more immediate action and tension, and keep the telly explanatory stuff to a minimum that is needed to understand what's going on right that second. I've heard a scene described as a "unit of tension," and when I consider that description, I must admit there are no real units of tension in this piece. There's no ebb and flow for me to get caught up in as a reader. And for me, it's all about the emotions. I appreciate the intellectual stuff (after all, it's what makes SF such a great genre!), but for me to really fall in love and want to keep turning pages, I need to be invested on an emotional level as well as an intellectual one.

Just some food for thought from one reader. I know it amounts to basically "Rewrite the whole thing!" so I hope I haven't sounded too harsh! I almost didn't say anything, as I did end up losing interest skimming near the end, but then I realised that's probably the most important kind of feedback to get. Thanks for sharing, and happy writing!

Thank you for your review!

*Pressed the "like" button*

I believe this should have been labeled under 'comment', not a 'review'. :)



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