z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Guardians

by Snoops


The Guardians II

Some say the Human species won't last a year.”

His body convulsed on the metal operating table, his eyes rolling back and his mouth spewing yellow. He was about to die.

“John, John, come on, stay with me! Come on!” I said, my worn out pink nails covered in blood.

He had brown eyes and brown skin, but the exhausting gray in his eyes matched the tiles of the Hospital floor.

“Stay with me!” I practically begged. More blood followed, out of his nose, ears, mouth. If he had enough energy, he would be coughing up gallons of it.

“GET ME PROVIGIL. NOW. HE NEEDS TWO DOSES.”

“Dr. Micheals, you know the rules, we can't waste medicine on patients unless 100% necessary.”

“100% NECESSARY? THIS MAN WILL DIE RIGHT NOW IF YOU DON'T. NOW GO!”

The nurse ran out the room, leaving me alone with a dying man. The monitor, the one recording the heart beat, stopped showing a steady rythem, instead there was non stop alarm.

No. No. No.

“Come on, John, come on.”

The nurse stepped back in, and as she did, his heartbeat flattened. He was dead.

“Dr. Micheals, it's no use.” the nurse said. She was new, hadn't even finished med school yet. It didn't matter, we needed all the help we could get. “We have to call it.”

John Carlton, 32 years old, died 2:22 PM. This was the 6th time that I heard a heartbeat flat line today, all from the same disease.

The problem with the virus was how fast it spread, how it had killed hundreds only on the first day. In Asia 352 people died on the first day, America 402, Europe 370 and Oceania 423 dead. The hard part of reading this, is you forget they're more than just numbers. They are brothers, sisters, mums, dads, best friends.

My shaking legs brought me to the hazard tent, undressing the plastic that covered me, that protected me. I entered the empty break room, absorbing the quiet and sat down. Six. Six dead.

I couldn't breathe.

Before the disease, I had only seen a handful of people die. I knew all their names, all their families, their causes of death. I was ashamed to say that from the people that died in front of me today, I only knew two names.

But I knew everyone's eye colour.

At 4:03 AM, a seven year old died with blue eyes. At 6:37 AM a senior with dark brown eyes, at 9:49, a seventeen year old boy – Jackson Peters, the football star from the local High School—green eyes.

Another brown eyes at 11:22, another blue eyes at 11:47. John Carlton, gray eyes, 2:33.

“Dr. Micheals” I need another minute. “Dr. Micheals” Please.

“Yes?” I said smiling. Always smiling.

In came Peach. Peach was 82 years old. Her husband had died at this Hospital a year ago. She came to visit us often.

“You look exhausted.” she said. I stood up and faced her. At least Peach looked good. Her white curls were sprung to life, her cheeks were glowing red, her smile peachy as ever.

“Well thank you for the compliment”, I said.

“Well, it wasn't meant to be one”, she said, staring me down.

“How can I help you?”, I asked.

“I've come to help you.”

“Peach, I really don't need a make-over, we've been over this remember?”

“Don't be absurd. Our world is being torn to shreds. Why are you thinking of make-up?”

'I'm not..I just assumed...” I hesitated.

“I've been cured, Dr. Micheals, from the virus.”

“I didn't even know you had it.” I said, surprised.

“Well, I didn't have it for long. When the first symptoms started to arrive, I went to visit the handsome man downstairs.”

“Patrick from the morgue?”

“No. No. Downstairs”, she said, as if I was the crazy one.

“How did he heal you?”, I asked, hesitatingly.

“Well, there was a girl who would hold your hands and all your pain would focus on the back of your hands. It really was quite unpleasant. Anyway, then the pain vanished. All of it. Even my back feels fine and my asthma is gone. The asthma I have had since I was a little girl, Dr. Micheals.

“Show me the back of your hand, Peach.” I ordered. On the back of her hand, was a tattoo of an infinite circle.

“Peach? You went to a tattoo parlor?” I asked shocked.

“Don't be silly, no, no, I went to Hell.” before I could even react to what she had said, I heard shouting.

“ON THE FLOOR! EVERYONE ON THE FLOOR!” a man came in, a gun in his trembling hand, and a little boy hanging on his shoulder. “NOW!”

I knelled down, my hands in the air, begging that Peach would do the same. She didn't. Instead she looked at the man's dark green eyes and asked him:

“Is that boy alright?”

“NO! HE'S NOT! HE NEEDS CARE RIGHT NOW! HE'S AT STAGE THREE.” the man was shouting, but they were calls for help, not threats.

“Sir, if you put the gun away, I can help.”

I was lying. We hadn't been able to help anyone yet. Maybe slow down the process, but cure, like Peach supposedly was, had never happened.

“NO! I WILL SAY WHAT DOES AND DOESN'T HAPPEN! NOW GET UP AND HELP HIM!”, he shouted, setting the boy on the sofa, still pointing the gun at me.

“Okay...Okay...”, I said, getting up, “I need to check his heart. How do you know he's at stage three?”

“He...umh...he..he was bleeding out of his nose...oh god...umh...he had a....convulsion.”

“Why didn't you bring him in sooner?”

“BECAUSE THERE IS A NO CURE! WHATS THE POINT!”

I stood up and faced him, our heights matching up perfectly, “Then why bring him now?”

“Because I'm....Because...BECAUSE I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE. He's the only thing I have left, please, please, help him.”

“I'll try my best. I can't promise anything.”

“But I can.” Peach said, her eyes filled with determination, “I was cured. I can save your boy and I can stop you from ever being sick too.”

“How?” he asked, stepping closer.

“Peach! Stop! You can't promise that!” I said.

She stepped back, looked around the room, and grabbed the permanent marker on the desk, then started to draw a pentagon star on the floor.

“Peach? What are you doing?” I asked, hesitantly.

“SSH!” she simply said, holding a finger out to silence me. “Pass me my purse, will you dear, please.”

The man, the man keeping us hostage, passed the purse like a good grandson. Peach, rumbled through it, grabbing a small wax candle and a lighter. She lit it in the center and stepped back, grinning.

“He will be here shortly.” she said.

“Who? Who will be here shortly?” I asked, stepping back. 

The black ink, turned a fire red, silencing the room. I looked around, half of me wanted to burst out laughing, officially claiming that we had all lost it, but the other half, was dead quiet. I could not ignore the sudden cold and emptiness I was feeling.

Suddenly, a hand grabbed my foot. I looked down, only to glance a bit of gray pulling me down in the floor. 

The hospital room was empty now. 


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User avatar
117 Reviews


Points: 6987
Reviews: 117

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Sun Nov 27, 2016 4:25 am
JosephGeorge wrote a review...



Hey Lau2001, here for a Review Day review!

Impressions: Well, this certainly is an interesting little story. You have this great build up of helping us to think about this disease, and of course we have no idea what it is yet. You lead us on by feeding us some bits of random, but relevant information, and then climax it all up with that last, final confirmation that the "man downstairs" is who we thought he was

I want to find out more, to be honest.

Your style feels just a tad dry to me, mostly because your descriptions are really simple and not unique to the story, but your story building is great, and I love the realistic nature of the characters and the scenes.

Advice:

In Asia 352 dead on the first day, America 402, Europe 370 and Oceania 423 dead.


This part is fine, as it's information that could be helpful to build the reader's ability to feel into the story. But it's a bit drab. I would consider molding this into something a little more aesthetically pleasing, such as a news report or something like that. It will flow better with the story.

I give it:
ImageImageImageImage


Review 008/100




Snoops says...


Thanks for the review! this was a first draft so I'm going to start editing it now! Hope you got to a 100 reviews!



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41 Reviews


Points: 2091
Reviews: 41

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Tue Oct 25, 2016 1:52 am
LadyEvvy wrote a review...



Hello! How does a little review sound?

First of all, I like the way you communicate the narrator's emotions. The use of eye color is very creative. You've already given the reader a pretty good idea of who this character is and what sort of life they've led up to now.

I also like the blunt presentation of facts and numbers used to describe the world's current state. I don't know if this is the impression you meant to give, but I got the idea that the narrator is somewhat detached from the greater scale of the disease because they're focused more on the events within their own hospital.

I generally don't like to be too nitpicky in my reviews, but there are a few things I want to get out of the way before I get to the important bits.

To start, the first few lines threw me a little. You open with dialogue, which can be a really good opener when used correctly. In this case, however, the emotion didn't come through right away like it should have. Initially, I got the impression that the narrator was whining a bit childishly. A few lines later, I realized that someone was dying. It might be better to convey the urgency and environment of the situation earlier on, to help readers form a picture.

I enjoyed reading your style, which is important. You have very good sentence variety and word choice, which makes the text very easy and fun to read. However, there are a few sentences that seemed a bit run-on, especially towards the beginning. In some places this is okay because it emphasizes the urgency of the situation, but in others, something slower paced might be more suitable.

One example would be this line: "The nurse shook her head slowly, staring me down, and then the dreaded sound of a heartbeat flat lined followed." If the nurse is shaking her head slowly, then we would expect the situation to be slowing down and coming to a stop. You might want to change some of those commas to periods to slow down the reader's speed.

Alright, now for the meat of the matter! Things that could be improved overall!

One thing I'd like to bring up is the descriptions. You give us a good impression of the narrator's character, and we can infer the state of the world at large by the many deaths that have happened recently. At the same time, we don't get much information about the state of the hospital. With the disease going around, one would expect it to be overworked. You've demonstrated that it's understaffed, by your use of the nurse character, but what about the building itself. Is it messy, or is someone working extra hard to keep it clean? Is it overfull, with multiple patients to a room, or do high prices keep some of the riffraff out? Are people fighting over medical supplies? Are overwhelmed doctors trying to catch sleep in the hallways? Does the disease make the whole place smell awful?

There are a lot of things you could say to describe the ambience of the hospital, and a lot of them would also help describe how the outside world is responding to the disease. If people in the hospital have to wrestle for treatment, imagine how they're handling food or clean water.

The other thing I wanted to mention was the rather abrupt ending. The dialogue you provide gives us a good idea of Peach's character for a first chapter, but we don't really know how Dr. Micheals handles this information. Do they investigate? Do they pass her off as senile? Do they pin it on their own exhaustion? I can understand leaving things on a cliffhanger, but it would be nice to know how the narrator feels about this.

Lastly, we still don't know Dr. Micheals' gender. That would be good information to have.

Overall, this sounds like quite an interesting story. You've given yourself room to take this in any direction you want. Your writing style is overall very smooth and your characters are fun to read. I hope to see some more of this in the future! Good luck and keep writing!




Snoops says...


Thank you for the review.
You've given me a lot of ideas on the hospital setting which I'll improve. I'll also improve the run of sentences and the first line of dialogue. What did you think of the first phrase %u201CSome say the Human species won't last a year" ? Is it too much? or does it bring interest?



Snoops says...


Thank you for the review.
You've given me a lot of ideas on the hospital setting which I'll improve. I'll also improve the run of sentences and the first line of dialogue. What did you think of the first phrase "Some say the Human species won't last a year" ? Is it too much? or does it bring interest?



LadyEvvy says...


You're welcome! I think your opening sentence is actually quite creative and introduces the scenario pretty well. I personally think you should keep it.




Put me in the fqluote generator. I say wise things.
— RigoTheHacker