Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Take one deep breathe and count to four.

One. Through the nose.

Two. Hold it in.

Three. Hold it.

Four. Let it go.

And as you let go of that last breathe, let go of the stress, unclench the muscles, hold you body. Hug it. Don't let it shake.

Do it again and again, until your skin doesn't feel heavy, until you smile--you're alive.

Proof?

The sun warming your face. The sound of you and your brother singing to the radio as you drive on the open road. The smell of dad's pillow. The taste of warm bread and butter melting on your tongue. The sight of your dogs jumping threw the yellow flowers.

Lau, you're alive.

Please remember that.

Remember it as you sink through the ocean, drowning as your heavy skin and the rocks in your chest drag you down.

Remember it as you push yourself to air, as you fight for it, grasp for it, then gasp for it.

You're alive.

Omg.... this is so realistic for me bc I deal with anxiety and depression and its hard for me to cope with all of it...

This is uplifting; I really, really like it.

There's not much I can really say because I feel like this is a pretty personal piece, and I tend to leave these types of works alone. But as someone who suffers from anxiety as well, I thought I'd say this is a solid work.

So with all that said, this is going to be a shorter review than I usually do. I'm not one for poetry, but this... doesn't really read like poetry, I don't think. So I'll be reviewing this as a short story/monologue, since you placed it in this category.

Grammar mistakes:

Take one deep breathe breath and count to four.

And as you let go of that last breathe breath, let go of the stress, unclench the muscles, hold your body.

The smell of Dad's pillow. (When using "mother" or "father" etc. without the "my" in front of it, that means you're using it as a proper noun, or nickname - thus the capitalisation.)

The sight of your dogs jumping threw through the yellow flowers.

They're simple mistakes, but they really are detrimental to the reader's immersion. Make sure to proofread once, twice, thrice, maybe leave it alone for a few days so that the next time you proofread, it'll be with fresh eyes. If you know your grammar isn't exactly on point, I suggest Googling "grammar check". The sites that come up can check your grammar for you.

Do it again and again, until your skin doesn't feel heavy,

Spoiler! :

Spoiler! :

Hey. I'm guilty of crying while reading this :')

My best friend attempted suicide last year. She suffered from anxiety too.

I can basically feel your emotion through the words. It's not even the most descriptive or anything, but I can FEEL it.

Be proud of this, and of you.

Feelings like this really hit rock bottom for me. It gives me the projected strength to keep going, to keep trying, to continue on. It makes us emotional, it makes us cry, it makes us claw our hair out and scream out "enough!!!" to a greater being we don't even know is up there.

Anyway enough moping Tiana!!!

This is basically a ballad, and if you can really focus on more descriptive and emotiva language, substituting phrases, for example:

"The sun warming your face."

Instead, DESCRIBE how this feels:

"The amber streaks of daylight cast upon your tearstained cheeks, like flowing riverbeds; cold."
^ This is much more descriptive and is actually a juxtaposition (have you heard of that before?); the sun warming your face is meant to be hot, but by saying it's cool, it's conveying your sadness.

Just a few thoughts. Any more questions, PM me Keep writing! - Tiana

Hi Lau2001,
This is a really dramatic and sad story, especially as it says before you click into it that it happened to you.
I wouldn't really look at this and go, "Oh, this is a great poem." I think maybe if you wanted it to be a poem, you could have maybe made it rhyme, or made it a haiku.
I think you could have maybe used some more descriptive words, and maybe even some alliteration as it is meant to be a poem.
Overall, this is a good start to a great poem, and has a lot of potential using that basic story-line.
Well done, and keep writing,
ElegantEgt

HEELLO Lau2001,
A short story about being alive. I can tell that it's a short short-story. The first few lines looked kind of like a poem and then I saw the paragraphs and went "ohhhhh".
This could be turned into a poem too, y'know. Especially since some parts are already in poem formatting. You could describe the setting a bit more though. I wasn't sure if you were in a car or at the beach or in a car driving to the beach.
I realize that the last few lines are describing drowning. So I guess you've arrived at the ocean and then got caught in the waves.

Fight for your life Lau,

Night Kaizer