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this isn't a good time

by LadyLizz


for all of those who have said the holidays are the most fun,
they have never been the house spouse holding a loaded gun.
the ones that think each morning we get up with the golden sun,
and we each just have coffee and a fresh baked cinnamon bun.
this might have been how it was once, still calling each other hun,
but now I am just another one of those women who wishes to run.

we are told to stay loyal to our very loving and kind man,
the ones who try to do everything, help in every way they can.
but if you don’t get one like that, you just have to suffer and plan.
be held at the hand of abuse, accept nothing but sitting by a fan,
waiting for him to make up his mind, always being the madman.
sit by in the bar as he tries to order something like a black and tan.

they are nothing more than fools who just can’t tell time.
they can’t understand counting coins, pennies and dimes,
to make it through the month without considering some crime.
most of all, most of them don’t understand why poems rhyme,
why we work and toil all of the time, washing away dirt and grime.
they have never lived our lives, never had to take that uphill climb.

and here I am as the housewife with the loaded gun in her mouth,
the once precious belle, long ago traveling from the very deep south.

that girl was so precious and young and kind,
she would have, could have been a very nice find,
for someone equally innocent, if she hadn’t been so blind.
now she continues to find herself in an eternal bind.


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34 Reviews


Points: 2002
Reviews: 34

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Wed Dec 06, 2017 10:37 am
shima wrote a review...



This is quite good. I liked it. It is sad, lonely, painful and totally not in the holiday spirit...which just makes it even more awesome. I can feel the pain of the main character and what she is going through right now, which makes it even more painful. I like that because that means that this is really a good poem, since it takes really a lot of effort in order to make a person feel something that they have never experienced before (and hopefully will never experience). It is really beautifully written (you have some great skills concerning writing. Man, I kinda envy you. ) I see that this is written from first-person perspective and this makes it even better. Really gives you the feeling that this is someone you know, like a friend.

It is also kinda cool that this puts perspective on the kind of relationship a lot of songs tell us girls want (and I am reading this listening to Lana Del Rey. How ironic.) and tell us how it really would end up, thereby giving us a slice of life perspective on a something that actually shouldn't be romanticized (but is). I have always loved stories that work like that - take something romantic and fictional and put it in a real-world perspective. It is also (imho) quite difficult to do something like that since it takes a lot of effort (and probably previous extensive knowledge of the subject, up 'till real-life experience with the fact. Which I really hope isn't your case.)

The rhyming is good, although a little simple (not that I have a problem with that. Just pointing it out. :-) ). I love the word usage in this poem - really nicely done, with the repetition (okay, maybe I was a little wrong in my earlier assessment - it is rather ingenious how you did this. ) I also like the spin you put on the phrase "Southern Belle" - separating it into two pieces and using "south" as an ending of a sentence. It is really brilliant.

The ending is also nice, although a little depressing. Is there really no other end for the main character except suicide? That's sad (even if perfectly understandable.)

In short - great poem, expecting to read more from you in the future. :-)




LadyLizz says...


yeah she doesn't end up dying, he does.



shima says...


Oh. I thought she said that she had a gun in her mouth. I thought she meant that she was about to shoot herself - that wasn't the case?



LadyLizz says...


In these two she contemplates suicide, in the one in progress, she shoots him.



shima says...


Oh, okay. Spoilers ! :-)



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Tue Dec 05, 2017 5:54 pm
269609 says...



wow.......that was intense, and moving. i am stunned and speechless. that ...... was ........a ......very ....... amazing.......poem.




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237 Reviews


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Tue Dec 05, 2017 4:56 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing this expression of utter desperation of a wife caught in a intolerable marriage who is thinking about suicide. Of course whenever such poetry is posted and I read it, I worry about the welfare of the writer. So if worrying the reader was one the poem’s goals, it accomplished it here.. Nevertheless I am very impressed by your ability to skillfully weave such an interesting story around such an extremely demanding and restrictive rhyme scheme of [a,a,a,a,a,a,] [b,b,b,b,b,b,] [d,d,d,d,d,d,] [f, f] [d,d,d,d,] I also liked the semi-wrap style.

Suggestions:

house[-]spouse [Both words function as one noun.]
fresh[-]baked [Both words function as one adjective.]

“For all....”
“The ones....” etc.

“....golden sun.” [cliche’]

[B]lack and [T]an. [proper noun]
https://www.thespruce.com/black-and-tan ... ipe-759593


“most of all, most of them don’t understand why poems rhyme,”


Such a thought sticks out like a sore thumb because it seems too trivial to be included with the rest of the details. In short, it weakens he drama of the depressed woman about to commit suicide. Seems too far fetched.

Conventional capitalization would improve readability.





Defeat has its lessons as well as victory.
— Pat Buchanan