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16+

​Vulnerable

by LadyGemstone


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

My stomach twists and molds into the shape the world chooses

A tsunami of anguish and pain vividly racking my brain,

Looking for a way to escape, and it's found its opening.

Come funnel out onto the page-- stain it like you do my grace. You're a

Deep red and violent black, thrashing out of your streambed I've eroded for you.

Trying to take over the dry land that it was so hard to push out of my quicksand mind.

You're the growing pool of blood under my feet taking away all of my energy...

My life's essence spilling out of me, I can't catch it. It doesn't belong anymore,

I feel so tired, so ready to stop this turmoil! I'm up higher than ever then I'm falling so hard.

Laughing and then crying my eyes out. I want to scratch my eyes out...

Can you help me breathe?

Can someone help me breathe?

Please, I'm drowning in this whirlpool of self pity, get me out of here.

Oh wait, oh wait, so you think you're prince charming unhand me you fool!

Oh hey, oh hey, I'm so sorry I swear that just came out wrong.....

This burning, this burning, this hell in my gut.This aching, this aching, these chafing thoughts.

I'm learning, I'm learning, there is no mistaking. I know how to mess up....

Please help me, please help me, no please get away!

I said go away. Go away now! I'm lonely, I'm lonely, this is so heartbreaking.

I don't know if I'll survive. Please talk to me, please tell me that I'll be fine.

But you cant tell me. No, you cant tell me anything.

I've shut you away and now you're gone....

I'm calling for you desperately, but I know you've moved on.

This squalor, this feeling, is devastating....

But all i can do is stay here and keep it up.

But wait, hey wait, I wasn't wrong,I'm the only one writing my book.Singing my song....

So I can clean up my sorrows and row my boat.

And I can curve the river and make a bloody moat!

I don't think I'll let you in my castle, you've already let me down,

But still the world is chasing me like a thirsty hound and I don't care

I'm tired. I'm tired of running.So come at me if you think you're truly cunning.

Because I'm the queen of the castle, and the head of the royal guard.

I'm not begging, I'm not asking, I'm telling you to stay out of my stars.

You aren't the sky above my ramparts, and you can't erode me with your acid rain.

You're simply a speck on my horizon that doesn't have a name.

You carry all my burdens? No, you don't feel a strain. I'm living, and I'm impervious

And it isn't because you pulled a string, I know you didn't fix a thing.

I am my king and my queen and I think I can make it. I think I can sing

for victory. This blood on my ankles, this blood on my feet.

It symbolizes that, you girl, you aren't better. And, you boy,

You aren't unique. And I'm not either, because we all are weak.

I'm just more observant,

And I pick the dark clouds out of my sky. And stamp them under my feet.


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1011 Reviews


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Thu Oct 01, 2020 5:40 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Ah I agree with @Fleualplants that the emotions expressed in this were chaotic in the best way - the poem came across as like an intense emotional reaction against another person where the speaker was really struggling to establish what they wanted to say.

I love that the speaker progressed from kind of floundering to this point of real strength at the end, that little progression made the poem feel really satisfying to conclude.

The poem's formatting might take some people aback because it is really blocky and a bit difficult to get through, but I think this is intended to be more of like a spoken word piece maybe? So I won't get held up on the formatting. It's the type of piece you kind of want to read all at once and then just let linger.

I think your usage of repetition was good and maybe more internal rhyme as well. You weaved metaphors throughout the piece like "pulled a string" and "speck on my horizon" that was really nice and gave the poem more layers to examine. I think another place of improvement might be to have one sort of over-arching metaphor or a theme / image that you keep returning to in order to kind of tie the whole piece together. Right now the metaphors you used were fine on their own but they didn't really feel connected together.

For me the strongest parts were the beginning with all the abrupt imagery and colors and emotions thrown together and then the end when man the speaker really just gave the subject what was on their mind and didn't hold back! The middle part was a bit more cumbersome and I think needs some imagery / action moment or maybe needs to be edited down a bit.

Your capitalization / punctuation didn't seem distracting to me, so good work on the editing / polishing. Keep up the writing! It looks like you've been poeting a lot lately!

Hope you are well,

alliyah




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43 Reviews


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Sat Sep 26, 2020 2:44 pm
fleuralplants wrote a review...



Hi! I love the chaotic emotion that this poem has; the repetition in lines like

Can you help me breathe? Can someone help me breathe?
I'm learning, I'm learning
really add to that chaotic emotion the poem portrays.
I love the imagery and the scene portrayed. The idea of a king and queen in this poem and talking about victory just makes it all come together.
The last lines are my favorite,
It symbolizes that, you girl, you aren't better. And, you boy,
You aren't unique. And I'm not either, because we all are weak.
That has to be my favorite part of the entire poem! The "we are all weak" is so true and something a lot of people don't realize about themselves and other humans.
The last line is such a great ending, "and stamp them under my feet." It is a powerful line, showing overcoming of personal struggles.
All in all, I really enjoyed this poem!




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Fri Sep 11, 2020 11:56 am
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silented1 wrote a review...



My stomach twists and molds into the shape the world chooses

A tsunami of anguish and pain vividly racking my brain,

Looking for a way to escape, and it's found its opening.The following line tells HOW this thing found a way to escape. So, consider refining it.

Come funnel out onto the page-- stain it like you do my grace. You're a Good enjambment here you leave the line ending on what one would think is a curse word and it makes us finish the line. Well done.

Deep red and violent black, thrashing out of your streambed I've eroded for you.

Trying to take over the dry land that it was so hard to push out of my quicksand mind.

You're the growing pool of blood under my feet taking away all of my energy...

My life's essence spilling out of me, I can't catch it. It doesn't belong anymore,

I feel so tired, so ready to stop this turmoil! I'm up higher than ever then I'm falling so hard.

Laughing and then crying my eyes out. I want to scratch my eyes out...

Can you help me breathe?

Can someone help me breathe?

Please, I'm drowning in this whirlpool of self pity, get me out of here.

Oh wait, oh wait, so you think you're prince charming unhand me you fool! Make this into a new poem.

Oh hey, oh hey, I'm so sorry I swear that just came out wrong.....Make these two lines into a new poem.

This burning, this burning, this hell in my gut.This aching, this aching, these chafing thoughts.

I'm learning, I'm learning, there is no mistaking. I know how to mess up....

Please help me, please help me, no please get away!

I said go away. Go away now! I'm lonely, I'm lonely, this is so heartbreaking. This can be a new poem again!

I don't know if I'll survive. Please talk to me, please tell me that I'll be fine.

But you cant tell me. No, you cant tell me anything.

I've shut you away and now you're gone....

I'm calling for you desperately, but I know you've moved on.

This squalor, this feeling, is devastating....

But all i can do is stay here and keep it up.

But wait, hey wait, I wasn't wrong,I'm the only one writing my book.Singing my song....

So I can clean up my sorrows and row my boat.

And I can curve the river and make a bloody moat! Good rhyme, but out of place.

I don't think I'll let you in my castle, you've already let me down, Great line!

But still the world is chasing me like a thirsty hound and I don't care

I'm tired. I'm tired of running.So come at me if you think you're truly cunning.

Because I'm the queen of the castle, and the head of the royal guard.

I'm not begging, I'm not asking, I'm telling you to stay out of my stars. Good line.

You aren't the sky above my ramparts, and you can't erode me with your acid rain.

You're simply a speck on my horizon that doesn't have a name.

You carry all my burdens? No, you don't feel a strain. I'm living, and I'm impervious

And it isn't because you pulled a string, I know you didn't fix a thing.

I am my king and my queen and I think I can make it. I think I can sing

for victory. This blood on my ankles, this blood on my feet. Remove the word "It" from the next line and the period from this line.

It symbolizes that, you girl, you aren't better. And, you boy,

You aren't unique. And I'm not either, because we all are weak.

I'm just more observant,

And I pick the dark clouds out of my sky. And stamp them under my feet.[b] Good ending line.


This is a very raw poem, try to see if you can refine it more and make it into more than one poem (maybe?) it could serve you better that way.




LadyGemstone says...


Thank you :> <3



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Thu Sep 10, 2020 6:38 pm
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Buranko wrote a review...



Daamn, is this poem a roller-coaster!
Hi, I'm Buranko, kinda ready to review your poem.
First of all I am sure I can't fully grasp the meaning and all the feelings embedded in this work, but I will do my best to present as accurate as possible what I could understand from it.
I love how you did your best to explain the pain that the persona feels. From the first line a shiver passed right through me. "My stomach twists and molds...A tsunami of anguish and pain vividly racking my brain".
This kind of tactile imagery really messes up with my brain but not in a bad way. I can't get enough!
My thirst for imagery is quenched by those gorgeous metaphors "funnel onto the page","quicksand mind".
The conflict that takes place throughout the poem is really strong. Come back, no leave! Why are you leaving, come back! Oh I am lonely, can't stop the tears. This strong mix of feelings resembles a dramatic work, where what matters is the strong conflict between the characters. Here we have the persona battling her own fears, feelings and pain.
However the way you ended this hell of a conflict is so smooth. Ending in a hopeful and confident tone really brightened the poem as a whole. This battle was won by an independent girl, that knows her worth.
And again really impressed with how you described the victory against one's feelings and anxiety: "I pick the dark clouds out of my sky. And stamp/them under my feet."
The only thing I disliked in your poem is the first line: "My stomach twists and molds into the shape the world chooses". I love some vague terms to make me brainstorm all the meanings but this one is kinda too vague for my taste. You could have, this is a suggestion only, included a simile there" twists and shivers like a raging sea". I think it would fit quite nicely with the tsunami you got in the following line.

This was such a hard poem to review, I hope I did a good job in understanding the feelings behind this poem. Great work !




LadyGemstone says...


Thank you <3



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Thu Sep 10, 2020 6:37 pm
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Buranko says...



I commented by accident, didn't turn that is this a review switch and have no idea how to erase a comm




LadyGemstone says...


I don't think you can, but it is fine. <3



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Thu Sep 10, 2020 5:24 pm
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Vil says...



Yes. Just-- yes.




Buranko says...


God your avatar is hella cursed



Vil says...


XD



LadyGemstone says...


I love his avatar. So stylish Gandalf. OwO



LadyGemstone says...


I keep thinking I got reviewed and seeing like five words. XP



Vil says...


XDD

My excuse is that the Elves mixed my clothes in at the laundromat. They're very pretty, but they're also pretty stupid XD



Buranko says...


Dw gemstone, I'm working on my review



LadyGemstone says...


Lol its fine I just think my brain is weird and was acknowledgng it. ^^'




cron
He wanted his bottle and I didn't want to give him his bottle yet.
— Jack Hanna