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M-9

by Lady Pirate


Sorry taking it down


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41 Reviews

Points: 1323
Reviews: 41

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Tue Jan 08, 2008 7:23 am
Billy wrote a review...



It's good to see she's returned to her rebelliousness. Night Mistress already picked up on the Rio thing, so I'll just go through the rest.

“Hey, Kids how was the Concert?”


You don't need the comma here, and kids and concert don't need capitals.

she look’s exhausted.


Should just be looks.

Absently I wondered where the brother’s were


Take the apostrophe out of 'brother's'

my questions was answered


Should be 'my questions were answered

forcing his to crouch to that we could be eye to eye.


forcing him to crouch so that we could be eye to eye.

“We…the brothers and I


He would refer to them as 'my' brothers not 'the' brothers.

acting as spokes person


Spokesperson is one word.

Thee super big bags of pads


Three, not Thee.

girl can never be too prepared


Should be a girl.

earth shattering affects


Should be effects.

Poor Kid


Kid doesn't need a capital.

I recognized the turn


Should be tune.

I knew the drumsticks feel


Should be fell.

My shoulders jerked with the dawn fall, on their own accord.


I think you mean down fall, and you don't need a comma here.

I was use to that.


Should be 'used to'.

I leaned back on my heals


Heels, not heals.

I motions for Sabe


Should be motioned.

I was sure that if I feel anymore


Fell, not feel.

all of ours where


Should be were.

-Billy




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84 Reviews

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Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:12 pm
Lady Pirate says...



Thanks for pointed it out, Bri!

Ems




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250 Reviews

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Reviews: 250

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Sun Dec 30, 2007 9:54 pm
Night Mistress says...



“I have a message from the Rio.” he stated flatly.

I think you mean "Roi" here, right?

like i said, take the time to re-read over you stuff.

it's getting very interesting.





So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install a lovely bookcase on the wall.
— Roald Dahl