I'm glad you like the last line...that's Cyan for you.
I'm going to post chapter four...go check it out.
z
I'm glad you like the last line...that's Cyan for you.
I'm going to post chapter four...go check it out.
I noticed that you misuse the word "where" when you actually mean "were."
"We were never supposed to go there."
"Where is the remote?"
See the difference?
First line after "Chapter 1": "My bed shook, if I lived in California still I would have yelled earthquake at the top of my lungs."
You might want to edit this and add a period after shook. Also, "screamed" might be a stronger and less wordy alternative to "yelled at the top of my lungs."
I like your description of the ritualistic putting on of the eyeliner. That was a pretty neat character-building scene. *is jealous of eyeliner*
Yeah, Billy pointed out most of the typos that I was going to point out, so I won't now...
My one thing is when she is writing on the whiteboard. It seems to me that she, as a character, would write a little less. They would be one word answers or something. Maybe I am wrong, but because she doesn't say much, it would kind of follow that her writing would be equally concise. That is, unless she is a writer-type person who is quiet, but who writes to relieve pain or something. I don't know her character as well as you do (obviously, since you wrote her) but brevity in all things was the impression I picked up from her.
I like the last line of the chapter, where she sums everything up. "No one, and I mean no one, could ever see my back." Bam! Really like it. Sums up the character really quickly.
Anyway, I like this. Great job with it. *scampers off to chapter 2*
This is a pretty good story. Nice and interesting. You might want to bump up the rating just a smidge if there are any more potty words.
Thanks you guys for taking the time to read. I know it's sort of long! But I felt it would mess up the flow to break up the Chapter into smaller bits.
Chapter Two is posted, you should check out. Chapter three, isn't posted yet. I'm out of town so I can't post chapter three yet, but I'll try to get it up soon.
Thanks for all the editing Billy. I'm really bad at catching my own mistakes, so it's really helpful when you guys point it out to me. I really appreciate a lot.
kimberykat, thanks for taking the time to look over my work, and welcome to YWS!
I like where this is going, I'll look forward to reading chapter two. Just a couple of mistakes in here though, I think they're mostly typos.
Series M-9, where never meant to be fighters.
They where suppose to be able to listen
where they from
they only they could do
The M-9 children where young then
They thought that we weren’t fighters, but they were wrong, we are fighters and now we’re fighting each other.
like arrows…I grabbed a pair of jeans off of the floor
I pulled my shirt over my head, making sure my MP3 didn’t get caught. I grabbed a rumpled yellow Blondie shirt off the floor, and threw it over my head, checking it in the mirror to make sure it didn’t look too bad.
but don’t turn the music off.
I just had to make it just until I was eighteen
–It’s like the pound
said Lab, like to screw with the DNA
who I had ever seen before in my life.
–All I knew
it as all been downhill from there.
Jenni said smiling broadly.
I shook my head no.
they where all following me.
being made in a Lab, had it benefits
I shook my head no
Shane who sixteen like you, and Duke who is fifteen.
just simple questions, that would fly by
The base pounded in green dots that expanded and unexpanded as the base thumbed.
–I followed her in the house. –I heard shouts coming from some where in the house.
A boy with shaggy blond hair said glancing quickly over at his mom.
in it’s custom made sheath.
I nodded my head yes.
Owen said elbowing him in the ribs.
“Because.” I said
one of the couples who’d come to talk to me, took me back to their house
he said “She didn’t say anything.”
“There’s food downstairs.” Own said
I shoved my hand phones headphones over my ears
Thanks!
I"m going to post Chapter Two after this,
now that the first of our two part Christmas is over.
And I can sit and vegetate for a while, and write and such.
LP
Wow! Ems, this is really good. It was worth the waiting. anyways, i can find anything wrong with it, i will re-read it later to see if i can find any mistakes.
I found one:
“She didn’t say anything.” Sabe said, “I think you need to see a doctor. Maybe you should go and talk to your father.”
make sure you re-read all of your stuff for little bit bits like this.
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