Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Mystery / Suspense

E - Everyone

Trust me, not? (part 2)

by LadyMysterio


"Who keeps a basement full of knives and sword " Threon entered

She gave him a stern glance "First off, every one of those knives have saved my life at one point, and second why are snooping about my house?"

 What about the gun”?  Theron said coming over to see what she was looking at, ignoring her comment about snooping

"The gun is just for decoratiation. If you want food it’s in the fridge." She pushed him out the door and turned back to studying the documents. After reading them, she waved the screens away.

"Eden, make this document only accessible to me"

“How would you like to access the document"

"Voice recognition"

"Done"

She swiped the screen away, and headed to the kitchen, when she found Theron busy making himself a big sandwich.

"Hey, so we just got a weird phone call"

"We?"

"Ok YOU got a weird phone call“

She grabbed a glass off the counter, and poured herself some water.

She watched Theron, as she sipped, she didn't know why but she suddenly had an unsettling feeling about him, she assumed it was because she was generally uncomfortable around other people. She set the glass down.

“And…..”

“And what ” Theron replied with half of his sandwich in his mouth.

She sighed inwardly, Theron might have been a fun friend, but as a partner?  He was fun loving  and spontaneous. Yes agents need to be spontaneous when things take a rough turn, but you still need to be somewhat collected and organized. Theron was acting like the was an amusement park, where you could take your time and lounge around, not a serious case where governments secrets and vital date was being leaked to who knows where.

"THERON," Why didn't she realize how annoying he was "What. did. The. Message. Say."

"Oh, they said something about the mole being a former agent," He paused and took another bite.

"  think I heard the name, Lycaon? " He shrugged obnoxiously

"Hum, so you think it's legit?" She emptied her glass

Theron shrugged again.

She sighed again, this time out loud ,"Well I am going to bed“ Theron widened his eyes mockingly “Don't look so surprised"

She headed out of the kitchen, she started to wonder if her bad feeling about Theron wasn't just her introvert nature.

The next morning, Lysandra woke up early, and headed to her computer room, she wanted to look at the info before Theron was up to bother her.  

 'Wait why does it look like they are already on'

"Eden,” She said quietly,”Don't be loud, but why are my screens on"?

"I believe Agent Theron, is currently using them, he's trying to access the file you put under lock.” 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
620 Reviews


Points: 11675
Reviews: 620

Donate
Wed Jan 08, 2020 3:47 am
Messenger wrote a review...



Hey, Messy here again before I pop off to bed

Dreamy already pointed out some of the grammatical errors that I was going to, and since I was pretty thorough in my first review, I would say to simply adhere back to it moving forward because I found a lot of the same sorts of issues once again. Missed punctuation, not putting personal thoughts in italics, etc.

I have some questions though. 1) Who is Eden? I mean, obviously, she's some form of A.I, and maybe I missed it earlier, but I see no description for her anywhere. IS she a device like a microphone or a watch. Because of Iron Man, my first thought is that she's similar to Jarvis, but with him, Tony Stark always had to have an earpiece or something connected, so is that how this works.> Again, some descriptions would help.
2) More description would go for the whole chapter. This is Lysandra's house, yes? So are her computers in her kitchen, or are they like hologram projections set up on a table, or what? Because Theron makes a sandwich incredibly quickly and is there to observe Lysandra. And again, where did the drinks come from? I think some tension would be more built up if we had more time to process what Lysandra and Theron are doing, and we can mull it over at her pace.
3) I do like some intrigue here. A mole, a former agent, and a possible rogue partner all have some good possibilities here. This could go a lot of different ways. Maybe some good to bad to good again characters, and I like that aspect. I also like the names.
4) So this is a futuristic time period, at least mildly so it seems. But Lysandra uses knives in her line of work? So is this some sort of weird crossover of fantasy and science fiction? I'm down for it if it is the case, but I just can't tell right now.

Hope this helps,
Messy




LadyMysterio says...


I will work on who Eden is. (she is supposed to be like Jarvis/Friday/Edith.
I gave her knives because Lysandra inst a big fan of guns, and she likes a good hand to hand, knife to knife fight. plus you can throw them, instead of just having the option of hiding and shooting. I should acually put something like what i just wrote in the story...
Thanks again!
The Lady of Mystery



User avatar
380 Reviews


Points: 17473
Reviews: 380

Donate
Fri Oct 18, 2019 4:32 pm
View Likes
Dreamy wrote a review...



Hey! It's me again.

Let's dive into the review, shall we?

As Steller Jay has commented, the suspense is real. You have done a good job building it up. I will be really disappointed if Theron had something to do with the snitching/spying. I kind of liked him. He had Jake Peralta from Brooklyn 99 vibe. I actually thought you were inspired by Amy and Jake for these two characters because the first part of the story showed similar chemistry between them.

Let's address some typos:

And what ” Theron replied half of his sandwich in his mouth.


Theron replied with half of the sandwich in his mouth.// replied with his mouth full.

She sight inwardly, Theron might have been a fun friend, but as a partner?


This sentence needs some editing. Firstly, it's sighed and the second half of the sentence seems incomplete. Actually there were few sentences that felt incomplete in this part. If he can be a good friend then why can't he a good partner as well? You can explain why she feels that way towards him, you know, take us inside her head. The general idea that I have of her is that she's a private person and kind of upright, yea. But I believe her thoughts and actions have reasons and I think this will make a good read if you elaborated on that too. Just a suggestion.

“ Theron looked eyes wide at her “ Don't look so surprised "


Theron eyes were wide// Theron looked at her with wide eyes.

She headed out to the kitchen,


She headed out of the kitchen

wait why does it look like they are already on


Is this Lysandra's thought? Is she thinking them? If it is then I suggest you to use italics to distinguish them from the narration. Otherwise, it looks like it's the author's input on the matter, you know what I mean?

This was a good read. Both chapters were on point with the story. You did not linger long with anything in particular which is cool but it sometimes helps when the characters are fleshed out and the readers get to know how their mind works. It helps to build more suspense in stories like these.

Hope this was helpful. Keep writing!

Cheers! :D




LadyMysterio says...


Hey, thanks for the review again! I don't know who those two characters are that you said were similar to mine.
I am glad you got that impression of Lysandra, that what i was going for. I will totally take into consideration your suggestion about her thoughts and such. Again thank you for the review!



Dreamy says...


The characters are from a show, they are also detectives. I%u2019m glad the review was helpful. :)



User avatar
40 Reviews


Points: 2294
Reviews: 40

Donate
Thu Oct 10, 2019 8:06 pm
Stellarjay says...



The suspense is real!!!




LadyMysterio says...


thank you! That's what I was going for!




cron
Lead. The most dangerous thing in Led Zeppelin's name and I'll remind you the other thing was Zeppelin.
— John Oliver