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Gone Away - Chapter Two - 2085 Words

by LZPianoGirl

(A/N: If any two parts of dialect from two characters are combined, I'm sorry. That's just the result of copying the chapter from Google Docs)


“Lady! Dude!” Someone shook me awake, “Wake up!”I rubbed my eyes and looked at the owner of the voice. I didn’t know who was shaking me, it certainly wasn’t my mother, “What happened? Who are you?!”

“No time to explain, brace for impact!” The person said quickly, then darted to a seat across the aisle. I looked over to my mom, but she was nowhere to be seen. I jumped up and looked around, but some force pushed me back into my seat. That’s when I looked over to the window. The plane was falling out of the sky.“Mom? Mom?!” I screamed, “Mom, answer me!”

Mom appeared from behind a seat, “Tanya, goddamnit, get down now!”

I glanced over to the person who had woke me and copied what they were doing. I ducked my head down and covered it with my hands. The sound of the plane cutting through the air pierced my ears, which made me start crying, and I couldn’t stop. I was waiting for my inevitable death. Out of the corner of my tear-filled eyes, I saw my mom’s shoes run down the aisle, trying to make it to her seat before the plane hit the unknown below us.

Like a bowling ball, the plane crashes into the unknown surface. Several people scream as water envelops the plane. As water starts leaking into the cabin, the lone stewardess makes her way down the aisle, throwing out life jackets and making sure everyone is OK. I hurriedly put on my life jacket as the plane sinks deeper into the ocean. 

I grab my carry-on bag and dash over to my mom. I find her drifting in and out of consciousness on the floor. “Mom! Mom, wake up!” I shake her arm, “Speak to me!”

A young looking body-builder kneels down next to me, “Here, I got her, you get to the raft!”

I nod and wipe a tear off my face. The man stands up with mom in his arms and makes his way out of the plane. I follow after him, stopping to grab my mom’s purse.

“Don’t grab the bag and get the hell out of there!” The man yells as he gets to the front of the plane. By the time I get to the door, there’s two feet of water in the plane. One man pushes past me to get into the inflatable lifeboat. He steps in and takes leaves a meager amount of room left for me.

“Come on kid!” The stewardess yells. At that moment, the plane tilts, knocking me off my feet. The water sweeps me to the back of the plane as it rushes past me. I’m tossed around and hit my back on something hard before I finally grab onto a chair. With the help of my life jacket, I climb up to the front of the plane. I stand at the edge of the door and grab a women’s hand. I plop onto the boat with a small splash and the pilot starts paddling away from the wreckage.

It’s like a scene from a horror movie. Pieces of metal and luggage struggle to float away as the vortex from the sinking plane pulls them down. Multiple of the people on the raft have their bags with them and help fish some belongings out of the water, including a case of snacks. As we float away, the plane peacefully drifts under the waves. I turn to my mom, who is being examined by the muscular man.

“Hey, pervert, don’t touch that women’s shirt,” The voice that woke me up stated. In the light, I can see them closer, and it’s a teenage boy. He looks a bit older than me, but not by much.

“I’m a nurse, back off,” The man said, “And the name’s Cameron, not pervert.”

The boy seemed taken aback, but didn’t say anything else. No one said anything until the man who pushed me away from the door spoke.

“Seeing as we’ll be here for a while, let’s introduce ourselves. I’m Captain Hoaward,” The man said.

“So you’re the bastard that sunk the plane!” A mysterious man in the corner exclaims, and tries to move towards Howard, but is held back by the lady next to him.

“It was a mechanical error, you can’t blame it on him,” the flight attendant explained, “You saw the engine explode yourself! We couldn’t have possibly kept flying.”“And who are you?” The mysterious man was sitting down with a defeated look on his face and his arms crossed.

“I’m Edna, the stewardess,” the woman said.

The boy went next, “My name’s Sammy and I’m,” he paused as to think of what to say, “...sixteen years old.”

“I’m Wilma,” the woman who restrained the man introduced herself, “And this is Pam, my twin. She doesn’t talk much.”Pam nodded as the mysterious man began to talk, “I’m Vaughn, spelt V-A-U-G-H-N.” Cameron commented on how unique that name was, but Vaughn ignored him, and Cameron returned to examining mom.

I was the only one left. I cleared my throat, “Um, I’m Tanya Baron, and I’m fourteen. So, yeah.”

“Does your family own Baron Business Company?” Vaughn asked with an evil grin that could scare the toughest man on Earth.

“Why?” I questioned and Vaughn shrugged, “Yeah, we do. That’s my mom Cathleen, the one Cameron’s checking.”

Cameron smiled and said, “She’s got a cut and large bump on her head, that’s why she was knocked out. Probably has a sprained ankle as well. It’s nothing to be too worried about.”

“That’s good,” I said. I turned to mom’s purse and unlocked her phone, “Damn, no service, probably no use calling 911.”

“Aren’t all planes tracked? Didn’t you call for help?” Vaughn asked Howard aggressively.

“In the middle of the Atlantic, a plane that size is nothing but a speck…” Howard started, but Wilma cut him off.

“Yes, but did you call someone? A control tower, perhaps? When I was in the military, we would respond to the most remote problems!”

“I did,” Edna said sternly, “While Howard tried to land the plane, I did.”

There was a moment of silence as we all checked our phones, then put them away in defeat.

“What now?” Pam asked meekly.

“...I don’t know. There isn’t really anything we can do,” Edna replied, “We just have to wait.”

“For what?” Vaughn and Sammy said simultaneously.

“Many things. Land, a ship, a helicopter, anything!” Wilma exclaimed, “Stay hopeful!”That did not help. As the matter of the situation sank in, I started to cry again. Edna crawled over to me and started patting my back as I bawled.

As the tides changed, we began to have a smoother ride. My tears slowly subsided before dush. Cameron passes around one of the four bottles of water we have. Vaughn drinks what has to be half the bottle, leaving it close to empty when it returns to Cameron.

Night falls over the ocean as Pam and Vaughn fall asleep. Cameron uses the rest of the water in the bottle for mom, then carefully puts the empty container away. Everyone starts drifting off into sleep, until only Sammy and I are left.

“Thanks for waking me up,” I thank him.

“It was nothing. The crash would have woken you up anyways.” Sammy shrugged, but turned to face me.

“I would have been injured, though, like mom,” I motioned to mom, who was lying limp on top of Cameron.

“Eh, she isn’t that knocked up.”

“Yes, but she hasn’t woken up yet.”

“Let’s hope she does.”

“Yeah,” I sighed, “I like your hair, by the way. It’s very... unique.”

“Thanks,” Sammy touched his sky-blue hair, “Well, I’m off to bed. Goodnight.”

That made me laugh internally, “You, too.”How ironic, saying “Goodnight” when we were in a situation that was anything but good.


I slowly open my eyes and stretch. The others are all awake already and facing me.

“Mornin’ Tanya,” Edna smiled at me.

“Good morning. What time is it?” I asked, sitting up.

“Probably about 12 here. 10 o’clock New York time.” Wilma checked her phone, “12:03.”

“Wow, the waves must’ve helped,” I said, “Anything new?”

“No,” Cameron replied, “Cathleen’s still unconscious, which is a bit worrying. But otherwise, no.”

“She’s still got a pulse, right?” I asked.

Cameron nodded, “Yup, but her head’s still bleeding.”

“People will have started to notice that we’re gone,” Howard said, “Like my wife, or your father.”

“Maybe, but my dad’s pretty busy. Maybe my older sister, though.” I checked my bag for food and opened a bag of Cheetos, “She’s 24 and getting married soon. That’s why we’re going to Greece.”

“Does she live there?” Vaughn asked. He had a mask on, sort of like a hospital mask, but black.

“Yeah, she visited and decided to move,” I hesitated to ask about his mask but decided to, “What’s with the black mask?”

Vaughn didn’t reply. I asked again, and so did Howard, but he still didn’t respond. Finally, when Wilma asked, he said it was on yesterday evening. I didn’t accuse him of lying, which he was obviously doing, but returned to my Cheetos instead.

The waves slowly rocked the raft in an unknown direction. When the sun was directly above us, I put my hoodie up and ate some more food from my bag.

“Ya think we’ll ever find land?” Sammy asked.

“Eh, hopefully,” Edna said, arms hanging over the side of the raft. The tips of her curly dark hair were wet with saltwater.

Cameron started examining mom again, while I discreetly peed off the side of the raft. Cameron scooped up some saltwater with his hands (after we were far enough from the water I had soiled) and splashed it on mom’s face. Cameron applied pressure to the cut using a spare shirt.

“Anyone have any ideas for a game or something?” I asked.

“Let’s play…” Wilma paused, and I looked to see what was distracting her, “LAND!”

“How do you play that?” Howard fiddled around with his fingers.

“No you idiot, land!” Everyone looked up, “Over there!”

The outline of an island could be seen in the distance. There were a ton of trees and other plants visible from afar.

“Paddle, everyone, paddle!” Edna exclaimed and everyone except Cameron started paddling with their hands.

“Ahem,” Howard scoffed at Cameron, “A little help here.”

“Oh, sure, I’ll do that while you care for Cathleen,” Cameron said sarcastically.

Howard shut up and paddled silently. The island had to be several football fields away, if not more. After twenty minutes of getting nowhere, Vaughn gave up. Pam stopped ten minutes later. The only people still rowing after a half-hour were Wilma and Edna. Cameron had joined for a few minutes, but returned to tending to mom. “Were almost there!” Wilma grunted as she struggled to keep pushing.

“No, we are not.” Vaughn mumbled, with his arms crossed, “It’s 100 yards there, minimum.”

“But the waves are helping!” Edna said, trying to cheer everyone up. It didn’t work.

“Then let the waves do the work,” Sammy responded, then proceeded to flip his hat’s brim down and fall asleep.

Wilma and Edna gave up soon after. It was only 3 o’clock by then, but Edna, Pam, and Howard all joined Sammy in dreamland. Wilma followed suit.

Someone groaned as I tried to fall asleep, so I turned to face mom, half-awake, “Mom!”

“Hey,” she groaned again, “Tanya.”A hundred questions rushed through my head. Why were you out of your seat? Do you remember anything? But the question I asked was none of these.

“Are you ok?” was all I asked.

Mom hesitated, “No, darling, I am not.”

I held back my tears and nodded Cameron introduced himself and the others, then we filled mom in on the few things she missed.

“Have you,” mom groaned as she tried to sit up, “contacted anyone?”

“Besides Edna contacting the nearest control tower, no ma’am, but we’ve tried,” Vaughn said, “Your husband is Mr. James Baron of BBCo., am I correct?”

“Why do you give a damn?” Cameron snapped and Vaughn explained he needed to know who to contact.

“Well, at least we’re alive.” Mom squeezed my hand and I smiled. Mom and Vaughn fell asleep after Mom had drunk some water. I also retired to bed after finding a nice part of the raft to rest my head.

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43 Reviews

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Reviews: 43

Sat Jun 20, 2020 3:52 am
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Cow wrote a review...

Hello, hello. I'm here for part two!

First things first, grammar. Capitalize things like Mom. Names are always capitalized! Put a space after you end dialogue to the start a new sentence and don't forget about what I said with adding action into dialogue! It makes it easier for a reader to enjoy, instead of being rather flat like cardboard.

Another thing, when your character goes “I would have been injured, though, like mom,” I motioned to mom, who was lying limp on top of Cameron.", When ending a sentence with a name, it may be better to use pronouns or anything else to describe the character mentioned. It seems repetitive if you don't!

The plane crashing... it seemed like you could have done some research, made character reactions a bit more long, more accurate to the description. It seemed a bit hard to believe that Tanya would not have tried to look out the windows at the engines or wings of the plane, to have tried to figure it out after abruptly being awoken. When Tanya cries, it is extremely unexpected, be it a stressful situation. She seems like a person that would try to stop herself from crying, maybe bit her lip, and tries to stop it from quivering. Work on personalities!!!

Again, the dialogue reads plainly, it doesn't seem like someone is actually talking. Try reading dialogue from books and saying what you have written out loud, that should help you figure out if it sounds proper or not. And don't be afraid to have characters speak differently! Some may use more slang than others, maybe some don't use contractions as often as most, like instead of don't, they would say do not or instead of can't, can not. It may help portray a character you want to seem smart, wise, intelligent as that.

Another detail, food, and water was not rationed. They are stuck in the ocean, most would have had the sense to do so. The nurse would definitely have the most knowledge of this situation and would be taking charge, making sure food is rationed and such.

Otherwise, the story is fine. I wasn't expecting the plane to crash but ti did cross my mind. I thought problems would arrive in Greece at the wedding or something.

I'm guessing the plane was made to crash because of the wife pf this big man was there, and his daughter or he made it so that it would crash so that he could go with his mistress or something along those lines. That seems like the obvious situation and cause but it could also easily be because of a plain old engine failure.

Also, maybe mention for the captain, him saying how maybe the engine check didn't happen or something. Things like that are very commonly done to ensure that a plane won't crash like it does in the story.

The description was off to a good start but you slowly lost it the farther you got. Describe the water, the character's hair, clothing, if there are fish. What did the island look like? Were there trees? What kind? Was there sand? What color was the ocean? How far were they into the trip, how close to Greece?

Always keep the phrase show, don't tell in your head. Trust your reader to inference things from what you write as well. It helps interest the reader, doesn't make you feel like you are reading something for a child.

Otherwise, not bad. I am interested to see where this will go!

LZPianoGirl says...

Thanks for the review!

Cow says...

: )

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154 Reviews

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Wed May 27, 2020 6:36 pm
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Hkumar wrote a review...

Hi Lucy!

Sorry I'm late. Okay so in my last review when I joked 'the plane is going to crash' I did not expect that you will actually do it. But here we are. Now the title feels more justified Gone Away. :P

“Don’t grab the bag and get the hell out of there!” The man yells as he gets to the front of the plane.

Haha. The guy is taking the pain of carrying her mom and she is busy grabbing the bag.

He steps in and takes leaves a meager amount of room left for me.

This sentence is very odd.

“Does your family own Baron Business Company?” Vaughn asked with an evil grin that could scare the toughest man on Earth.

This man is seriously giving me a feeling he's going to be the bad guy here. And I don't know why but even his name has also suits to be that of a villain. I mean in situations like this there's always a man like him whose soul purpose is to create more trouble for others.

When the sun was directly above us, I put my hoodie up and ate some more food from my bag.

It feels like our MC is just chilling here. she did not even share the food with other fellows on the raft I mean who knows there's possibility they could be stuck in the water for weeks without finding and or getting rescued. We didn't get to read much about their reactions on this life threatening situation.

So at the end we get to know that luckily they have spotted an island. This means we are up for some more adventures to see our survivors manage on their own. We still have some time left for the wedding. Let's see if they are able to make it on time.
This chapter also ended with Tanya going to sleep. I wonder what will happen when someone wakes her up in the next chapter. Just a suggestion that you should describe more about the characters like their physical features and so. I still can't have a clear picture of them in my mind especially of our MC. Well, it's just the beginning of your novel so you got plenty of time.

Great work!
Keep writing :)

LZPianoGirl says...

Thanks for the review, I appreciate it!

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Mon May 25, 2020 5:01 pm
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Liebensteiner wrote a review...

Hello hello!

Hope you're doing well. Back to review again! Let's get started, shall we? :)

He steps in and takes leaves a meager amount of room left for me.

...This sentence doesn't make sense?

I just got a thought. If Tanya and her family are so rich - they seemed rich in the previous chapter - why didn't they just get a ticket on a proper plane? Why'd they have to get on this specific plane? Why not any normal plane?

My tears slowly subsided before dush.

“Anyone have any ideas for a game or something?” I asked.

...? They're stuck in the middle of nowhere and she's thinking of playing games?

“Let’s play…” Wilma paused, and I looked to see what was distracting her, “LAND!”

“How do you play that?” Howard fiddled around with his fingers.

“No you idiot, land!” Everyone looked up, “Over there!”

LOL I love this scene xD

Alright, now that I'm done reading, here're my overall comments:

I'm enjoying this. I wonder if what they saw really was land. Because they seem to be super far away from the land. omg what if it's CF Island??? no jk lolol Also I wonder if they'll be on time or late for the wedding. I hope they reach on time. ;-; Or else that would suck terribly. Missing a wedding because of a plane crash. Man that's horrible. Ahhh and what would happen in Tanya's sister's head? Speaking of, do we know her name yet? I don't think so. >.>

Anyways, that's it for my review! Hope this helped in some sort of way. Lemme know if you've got any questions. I'll be waiting for the next chapter!

And as always...

Keep on writing!


LZPianoGirl says...

Thanks Lib!

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174 Reviews

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Sun May 24, 2020 5:04 pm
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JesseWrites wrote a review...

Hey, have my review for today.

I glanced over to the person who had woke me and copied what they were doing.

Correction to woken.

He steps in and takes leaves a meager amount of room left for me.

Correction to leaves.

I held back my tears and nodded Cameron introduced himself and the others, then we filled mom in on the few things she missed.

Correction to nodded as Cameron.

I must admit that I haven't read from before this, but I love the story line and characters so far. They are strong with traits that shine through. Most writers can't capture a character that isn't a stereotype of tough/mean, or too nice, but you made lovable people.

Spoiler! :
I'll check the first chapter now :)

Write on,
Haley/JesseWrites x

LZPianoGirl says...

((OMGGGGG YOUR NAMES HALEY?!?!)) Thanks for the review! I appreciate it!

JesseWrites says...

Yes it is! And no problem!

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31 Reviews

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Sat May 23, 2020 10:34 am
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thepages wrote a review...

I like the fact that this work has many possibilities. What is to be found at the island, why they keep asking about Tanya's family but its a little slow, i missed the thrill of the crash, you need some more action during the crash like" with a jolt, i woke up only to witness inexplainable chaos. "where am i" i thought as i peered through the chaos at the far off plane engine that was now asunder. "mom!" i shouted on realising the danger, but then, as i made for the far off end of the plane, un unplanned rumble shook me off feet stambling into the raws of chairs. "strap in for impact!" shouted a rather familiar voice, it was the one that had woken me up. I strapped in hesitantly as i continued the sight search for my mother..." you need to work on the confusion at the crash scene and the damage as the plane hits the waves for you have only one raft of survivors where are the rest, its a passenger plane not a private jet. And you also changed tenses, at the beggining you were reporting in the past, telling us what happened but from the point where the plane crashes you change to "actual" tense where you are telling live events as they are happening.
I also think at the sight of land the survivors must be thrilled, they have to paddle vigorously at first but then realise how far the land really is. You didn't starve them enough, you brought in the land way too soon. If land was nearby the pilot would have known and would have told them there is land somewhere around but he didn't for there was no known land nearby. You need to show how grave the situation is, render them helpless, make them glad to see the land.
Other than this, this work can be better. And you have a rich story line there is way to much space for possibilities, use it.

LZPianoGirl says...

Thanks for the review!

thepages says...

Kk. Any time...!

thepages says...

Okay, now that i've read the first part i think i crashed somewhere, turns out the plane really was a private jet which gives me more questions, how come there's Sammy and the rude army guy? Gues my review needs a review of its own!

Poetry is the art of creating imaginary gardens with real toads.
— Marianne Moore