Awwwwwwwwwwww!!! This was too cute!! And pretty good for a story made up on the fly, A little bit of grammar mistakes you can fix but other than that I liked it.
z
Hey everyone! This is a story I just wrote when I couldn't sleep one night, and I know it's not perfect. I'm really not looking for grammar reviews, but more on the story itself. Thanks so much for reading, and I hope you enjoy!
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Anna had known Ryan practically all her life. With him being her Cousin Drew’s Best friend, they were introduced at a young age. When Anna was five, Ryan and Drew eight, they used to play together at Drew’s house, swimming in the pool, laughing and smiling all the time, joking around to see who could play the best pranks on each other, Ryan. They never had a worry in the world. They didn’t go to the same school, or even live in the same town, but that was no issue. They didn’t care that Anna was 3 years younger either. They were just such good friends
Ryan and Anna’s moms were good friends, and Anna’s mom always used to say “You know, someday, you and Ryan are going to get married.” Of course, they never really believed it, just dismissed the comment with a roll of their eyes and a murmur of “Ugh, moms,” while the parents laughed. Anna never really thought of Ryan in that way; He was always just her friend, with his funny hair that never seemed to go the right way, his dark brown eyes, and a dusting of freckles covering his nose. He was cute, but Anna didn’t think like that. To her, he was always just Ryan.
As the years went by, though, they began to lose track of each other. They both got older, and eventually it wasn’t cool to hang out with a person of the opposite gender. Anna actually forgot about Ryan when she met Tom Larson in middle school. He asked her to dance at every school dance, and she was immediately Star struck. He was everything. He liked her, and she returned the same affection. This all happened right around the same time all her friends began to get boyfriends, and everything got so dramatic. Ryan was one of the last things on her mind, as was she on his.
When Ryan and Drew’s school basketball team began winning some of their games, naturally Anna’s family went to go support Drew. That’s when they saw each other again. Anna’s family was sitting with her aunt Carol (Drew’s mom) and her family, and a row below her was Ryan’s mom. Anna didn’t notice her, though, until the announcer began shouting out the names of the starting lineup for the game, and she began cheering wildly.
“And starting off for the Jackson High School falcons tonight, playing at guard, Number 21, Ryan Chaznik!”
She snapped her head around so fast when she heard that name, her head hurt. She stared at him and realized that he was no longer the little boy she used to know. His short black hair was just barely spiked in the front, the brown eyes on his tan face fierce and exciting, his tall body muscular. She was in total awe. He looked up then and their eyes met. She attempted a smile she hoped looked cute, but he just shook his head and ran out on the court. She cheered for him the whole time, and he heard her. He knew it was her, he’d known her voice for a very long time, and he’d missed hearing it.
That night, the stats of Ryan Chaznik and never been so great. The game of his life he had played, just because she was there.
This was how he would make it up to her later. He knew how his friends would react if they saw him with a younger girl who in their minds wasn’t even “hot”. He thought what he was doing was for the best, to protect her, and his image. After all, he had a reputation to keep.
After the game was over and the parents went out on the court to greet the players, just as he had expected she came bounding down the bleacher steps and walked over to him, calling out his name.
“RYAN!” she screeched, and delivered a big hug to him, one that he did not return. “You played so great, I didn’t realize how good you had gotten, and I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever…”
“Whoa there,” he exclaimed, pushing her away, “Do I know you?”
“Ha ha, very funny Ryan.” She said, smiling her cute little crooked smile he’d always loved. He began to think that maybe he wouldn’t go through with his plan; maybe his friends wouldn’t tease him. Maybe his friends would like her, and she’d become instantly popular. All these thoughts drained away, however, when Lee Michaels, fellow teammate, came over and asked, “Yo Ryan, who is that girl?” Lee tried hiding a laugh, but was not successful.
“I... I don’t know” Ryan stuttered, “She’s just some fan, I guess.”
“Ryan, you don’t remember me? It’s me, Anna Nelson. We were really good friends when we were little…” Anna trailed off, her face a mirror of complete shock.
“I’ve never seen you before, Girl.” And with that, Ryan and Lee walked off. As he walked away, Ryan turned around one last time, and the single tear he saw rolling down his old friend’s cheek made his heart break in two.
* * *
After they graduated, Anna and Ryan went off to college, and began the rest of their lives. They never spoke again, not even at Ryan’s Open House after he graduated, where he avoided her the whole time, and she didn’t try to get near him. His heart always ached when he remembered the last time they’d spoken; wishing things could have turned out differently.
When Ryan was 24, he was working as a lawyer, and doing well. He had his own firm, and plenty of money, being very successful. One day, he was working in his office when his phone went off. Sherrie, his secretary, appeared on the other line.
“Sir, your two o’clock appointment is here”
He pushed the intercom button on his phone and shouted “Send him in.”
He scribbled a few notes from his last case on a green notepad and when the door creaked open, he looked up. In the doorway stood a woman, with long, flowing brown hair and deep blue eyes. Her thin body was in a navy blue skirt suit. Her narrow face looked just as shocked as his did as she looked into his eyes.
“…Ryan?” she stammered.
He nodded his head, smiling in disbelief.
“Anna, I can’t believe it’s really you!”
She slowly walked over to his desk, and sat down in the chair facing him.
“It’s great to see you again, Ryan. Okay, the reason I’m here is because I work for…what?” she asked, wondering why he still had that stupid grin she’d always secretly loved plastered on his face.
“I just can’t believe it’s really you, after all these years…”
“Well, it’s me.” Anna said, trying to fill the awkward silence that had taken over.
“I need to talk to you. I need to tell you everything. Can we go get some coffee?” He asked
“That would be nice,” Anna replied, her heart beginning to race, “I’d really like that.”
They stood up, and walked the block to the local coffee shop downtown. After the waitress took their order, he began talking a mile a minute, and she could barely hear what he was saying.
“Anna, I need to tell you that I’ve always really liked you, even from when we were little, and used to pull pranks and play outside in the summer and shoot each other with water guns. And you were always one of my best friends, even if you didn’t notice it. What I did that night at the basketball game was stupid, I should have known better than to let some kids get in the way and mess with my emotions. I thought they would tease me, and I was afraid. It was stupid and I realize that now. You have no idea how much I’ve missed hearing the sound of your voice, and seeing the smile on your face when I made you laugh. I haven’t been able to get you out of my head lately, and every time I saw a little girl with brown pigtails walking down the street, it made me think of you and me, and how things used to be. I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to talk to me again, because I know I was a jerk and…”
“Shhhh,” she said, putting her finger on his lips, “you’re babbling again.” Now she was smiling, one of those smiles that when you see it, you just start smiling to. She reached across the table and took his hand. He stood up and laid a few bills on the table to pay for the coffee, and hand in hand, they walked out of the shop together. He looked at her and his heart began racing again, knowing that this was just the beginning of their happy ever after together.
So what did you think?
Edited to stop stretching the page -Stella.
Awwwwwwwwwwww!!! This was too cute!! And pretty good for a story made up on the fly, A little bit of grammar mistakes you can fix but other than that I liked it.
Boys are such jerks in high school...and middle school...and most of elementry school when they push you down if they like you. I can only hope it gets better in the future. Probably won't, but a girl can hope.
Okay, the story. You said you didn't want a lot of grammar corrections, so (yes!) I won't give many. I saw some things that needed to be capitilize or not capitilized, and some punctuation issues, but I almost always see that.
The only thing that bothered me with the story, aside from how nothing can ever go right in high school, and it's all about being cool, and...and...just tell her you love her already, Ryan! (bursts into hysterical, gushy, romantic sobs and chows down on a pint of ice cream) was that he becomes a lawyer by 24. Now, I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure lawyers have to go to years upon years of college, and no one gets really sucessful until after they're 30. But maybe he was so bright he skipped some classes and graduated early. I just wasn't sure how realistic that was.
And may I say again, boys are jerks and trying to be popular is stupid.
Keep writing! Just because I went on a rant doesn't mean I don't like it!
I am a total sucker for stories like these. Gotta love happy endings. My only problem was that the end was a little cliche, I don't mean the way it ended, just the words you used. I know everyone else said this, but there is no other way to express it, it was cute.
Keep it up!
Joyce
OMIGOD!! I loved it! I liked how the whole heart break thing was setup and how he thought he was protecting her by being mean to her. I thought it was creative how you went through different time periods of their lives. I love this story, but it seems too simple to me. Otherwise I liked it.
keep it going!
-Charlotte Grace
Hi!
I really enjoyed reading your short story. You have a great way of writing and I adore your creativity.
I was just sitting there, biting my nails in the basketball scene.
I was like yelling aloud: "No, stupid! What did you do that for?!?!"
But, yeah, I really love your writing and hope to see more like this from you!
Thank you for posting it!
Ok, I thought this was really cute. But why did you use the name Ryan twice? The guy from here's name was Ryan, and the guy from her star story's name was Ryan. I got confused. For a while I thought that they were the same Ryan. Then I went over to her star story and realized that the Ryan from that story was a carpender and the one from this story was a Lawyer. I would advise changing one of them (I think you should change the one from her star story, but thats just me.) Other than that, I really liked it. I do agree that it is kind of wierd that a twenty-four year old man would hold on to a childhood crush, but I like the way he admits to being a jerk way back when. I think you did a good job on this story, and you did a very good job portraying all of the characters emotions. I would Kind of like to know more about Anna and Ryan now. Well, anyway, keep writing!
awwwwww! So romantic! <3 But there are some things Im kinda confused with.
Like what happened to Drew? Obviously he liked her, taking her to all the dances and such. Poor drew! Id really like to hear his side of the story! Like, wasnt drew on the team with Ryan? And she cheered just for Ryan!!!!! I REALLY AMAZINGLY LOVE YOUR STORY!!! ITS ROMANTIC AND I WISH I WAS ANNA. but you probably dont think that i think that since what I said about Drew..... BUT STILL!
AWWWWWWWW
CHOW FOR NOW,
sionarama
This is a very good start to a story. I love the tone, but your moving a little too fast. You need to spend more time on details, I believe. Your good at showing what things look like, but not what the character is feeling deeply. This is very important for your readers to get an understanding of who your character is and their personality. You see what I mean? But you definitely do have me hooked and I am desperate to know more:) Please PM me when you post anything new. Thanks!
Sparkle
this was cute.
descriptions are necessary. i feel as if you didn't describe enough, and it was going a bit too fast. i didn't like how parts of their lives were being skipped, but i guess i kind of understand why you did: to get to the main parts.
maybe you could add more meat into this? you could give it a little more oomph, like, more plot/conflict-- that kinda stuff.
umm, there's only one thing i'd revise:
He pushed the intercom button on his phone and shouted “Send him in.”
This is cuuute :]
Some of the sentences need to be reconstructed.
and it felt like the story was moving too quickly.
but other than that:
it was short and sweet.
Hey Ktg, Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
Cousin Drew’s Best friend,
and she was immediately Star struck.
That night, the stats of Ryan Chaznik and never been so great.
The game of his life he had played, just because she was there.
“Sir, your two o’clock appointment is here”
This was really nice.Just like one of the storybook type romances that i really love. i liked how everything worked out at the end. also the decriptions of both anna and ryan was very cute.
the only thing i would say would be that the periods of time when you told their story seemed to pass very quickly. like suddenly they're teenagers then suddenly they have jobs. see what i mean. you should take the time and write it out again. maybe seperate it into chapters?
well thats all, but keep writing, you're good!!
Loved it, kg17. I told you never to stop writing and this is very good. very good for your age. I saw many mistakes but as you don't want any to be pulled out so I won't bother you. Anyways if you want PM me.
The story was good. Is this the end?
If yes, then you can expand this into a novel or longer story if you want.
I really liked this but I felt like there were some points where there could have been more detail. I understand that this is just a short story but that's no reason to fly through it. There are other things in the story I would have liked to know. Maybe develop the characters more?
I think this would be just fine if you decided to leave it the way it is, but if you want to fine-tune it, just add a few more details, k?
Overall though, I thought this was a very cute story and I'm glad you asked me to read it.
Keep up the good work!
-Brainy
Its good. I like, but its a little too fast, you skipped their entire life to adulthood and I wish you had a little more detail with descriptions. But all in all it was sweet and epicly brilliant.
THIS WAS CUTE!!! I so wish it would happen to me...well not exactly, the ending not the whole heart break thing. It was super cute, I loved it.
I thought that overall it was very good!
There are a few sentences which could be reconstructed. There's also too much details in some spots and too little in others...
I would just read over it and see if you can spot them.
I really liked the story thought, the plot was good and their reunion at the end was so sweet!!
Good job!!
Points: 2367
Reviews: 98
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