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12+ Violence

Detective Duo

by Kian Alisson


!!!ERRORS AHEAD!!!

I quickly ran to the chemistry laboratory after hearing an ear-piercing scream. I saw a huge crowd which made me really curious about what happened. I squeezed myself through the crowd that was forming and that was when I saw a lifeless body. The girl was surrounded by a pool of her own blood.

"Alisson!" "Don't touch the body." I replied and walked towards the corpse who the young lady was about to touch. I carefully walked around the body, checking for clues to be used in investigating. That's when I saw a funnel. It was stabbed on her side. She had cuts, bruises, and a few stabs on her stomach.

"Oh? Yesha. What a coincidence, you're here too!" I turned around and saw.. "Kyler." I forgot to introduce ourselves! I'm Yesha Park and this person, or alien, in front of me right now is Kyler. The detectives in our school.

Kyler kneeled down and took his handkerchief out of his pocket, grabbing a small piece of paper that was on the floor. "What's that?" I asked. He showed me what was written on it but I just got confused.

6-8-7-7-68

"Wait, I'm confused. What does tha--" "Inspector Brown." Kyler interrupted. "We found the victim's phone a few minutes ago. The last people she talked to are named Brooklyn Addison, Conner Williams, and Tristan Davis." Inspector Brown then gave the phone to my companion.

He stared at the piece of paper, the phone, then immediately turned to me. His face brightened up as he spoke. "I think I know who the killer is." Wait- Already? Well.. Kyler is Kyler. He's great at this. "How do you know who the killer is?" I asked.

"We all know that Alisson belongs to the chemistry club. This code," He showed me the piece of paper. "Reveals the killer's name using the periodic table." He said. "Call the suspects."

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"I see... You're all a part of the chemistry club." Kyler looked at the suspects while nodding. "We already know who the murderer is."

"Believe me! I didn't do anything! You should probably ask him," Brooklyn pointed at Tristan. "You're probably the one who hates Alisson the most." "I do not!!" Tristan shouted.

Kyler grinned "And it's no other than.. drum roll please," Typical Kyler.. "Conner!" The suspect turned pale and quickly looked at Kyler. "Why would I kill Alisson?! She's the president of the club for heaven's sake."

"Alisson left a code. You can clearly solve it using the periodic table, considering that you're all a part of the chemistry club. She may have written this code instead of your name 'cause you might erase or rip the piece of paper once you see it." Kyler replied. Conner clenched his fist, his voice starting to raise. "Is that your proof? That code can have plenty of meanings!"

Right! The school bell normally rings at one in the afternoon. Strangely, it didn't ring today. I looked at my companion and whispered "Let me take it from here." I looked at the three suspects. "Where were you and what were you doing between twelve-thirty to one in the afternoon?" I asked as they all gave their own reasons: Tristan was trying to finish his Biology homework, Conner was at the rooftop, and Brooklyn was still eating lunch with her friends.

"Hmm... Did anyone hear the bell?" I asked them once again and grinned when I saw Conner raise his hand. "Again, I was just at the rooftop. It would be impossible if I didn't hear the be--" He stopped and looked at the people beside him, realizing he was the only one raising his hand.

I smiled and clicked my tongue. "The bell didn't ring today. Which proves that you killed the innocent girl." Conner looked down, his face was pale and it showed guilt. Inspector Brown arrested Conner and walked away, leaving me alone with Kyler.

"Another case solved." He smiled at me as I giggled. "Conner definitely messed with the wrong duo."


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72 Reviews


Points: 42
Reviews: 72

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Mon May 25, 2020 6:32 pm
Em16 wrote a review...



Nice job with the opening paragraph! The suspense immediately drew me into the story and I wanted to know more. However, I was left wondering who the narrator is. They seemed to have a lot of authority, so I was wondering if they were a teacher, or a student, or a security guard. I understood by the third paragraph they were a detective, but I would suggest making it clear a little earlier. Also, why does the school have detectives? Do murders happen a lot at this school?
Another thing I noticed was that the action happened really fast. The murder is solved in six paragraphs, and while it wasn’t a tricky case, it still felt a little rushed. I would suggest taking your time a little more. It’s hard for the reader to understand and fully absorb the impact of what is happening if it goes by so fast. They’ve barely reacted to one thing when another bombshell hits. It would also be more interesting if there were slow moments where it seemed like the detectives wouldn’t solve the case. That would add some suspense.
I also would suggest changing the witness interrogation scene a little bit. It seems more like an afterthought, or an epilogue, because the detectives have already solved the case. After the detectives solve the case, the reader is expecting the story to wrap up pretty soon. But there’s still a lot more story left, and a lot of the tension is gone because the reader knows who the murderer is. I would suggest putting the witness interrogation before the discovery, to make it more exciting for the reader.
However, you have really strong, developed characters, and a good narrative voice. I feel like I’m really inside the detective's head. I look forward to reading more of your writing!




Kian Alisson says...


Thanks for the review! I'm not too good in writing so this will help me with my future short stories. Again, thank you!



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79 Reviews


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Reviews: 79

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Mon May 25, 2020 4:37 pm
Stellarjay wrote a review...



Hey Kian Alisson!
This was a good story, I see lot's of potential in it! It was smoothly written and I didn't see to many mistakes.
1) In the beginning of the story, you introduce the plot, the murder. One thing you forgot was to mention where it takes place. As you get deeper in the story, it becomes more evident that it's at a school. But I would mention this right from the get go. This will help the reader understand the situation better and to give better imagery.

2) If there was a murder in general, there would be a crowd yes. But everyone would be extremely disturbed and traumatized. Also there would be police investigating right away. The teachers would be getting all the students into lock down. You don't know where the murderer is and he/she is on the loose. What I'm trying to say, is that the way the detective duo address the situation is like any other normal case. I believe they would feel like vomiting if they saw a dead girl on their school floor.

3) How did Alisson write the murderers name when she's dead? And if she wrote it before she got murdered how did she know who it was going to be?

Other than that, there were no grammer mistakes and the story was very smooth. I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, feel free to disregard any of my comments.

- Stellarjay




Kian Alisson says...


Thanks for the review! I'm really sorry for the errors^^" I'll use these as.. tips? For my future stories. Again, thank you!




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