Young Writers Society

Hello hello! Alice here, stopping by to give your poem a quick review!

Alright, so because your poem is so short, I'm gonna take this line by line for you! Let's get this started!

PASSION!- Okay, so I'm not totally sure if this is the first line of the poem or if this is the title of the poem. If it's the first line, it's a very memorable way to start your poem. I like to think it's just someone standing up and shouting PASSION! However, if it's just the title, you don't really need it because the title is repeated twice, once in the header and then once in the poem. So if it is supposed to be the first line of the poem, I would suggest making that more clear and if it's the title, I would remove it, but this is just my opinion, so feel free to ignore this part.

Like weed you make people high about something,- I like the connection you make between passion and weed. It's a bit unconventional, but it really gets your meaning across. Passion is like a high, and because of that, people will chase it all their lives. I don't know if each time you have a comma, you intended a line break, but if you did, you might want to fix your formatting a little bit.

Dream, that what you make them see.- The wording feels a little off here. It took me a few rereads to try and piece together what you were trying to say. I think you were trying to say that passion makes people chase after their dreams. But you could also be saying something along the lines of passion makes people see their dreams as achievable. And while I normally like poems where some things are left up to interpretation, I think rewording this line so that it's a bit clearer would greatly help the reader.

Believing they can be stopped by nothing ,- You don't need the space in between the last word and the comma, simple typing error! Again, I really like what you're saying in this line. Passion makes people believe that they can achieve anything they set their mind to. And while it may not actually be possible, that does not stop people from trying.

Even in the dark, You make them see.- Beautiful, just, wow. I love this line. Like, I LOVE love this line. It's so great and so poetic. Honestly takes my breath away every time I read it, cause, wow. You convey that passion is the guiding force in our lives, that even when things are at their lowest, we still have passion to help pull us up out of the depths. A truly shining line and one that perfectly sums up your poem.

All in all, a lovely poem and one that I quite enjoyed! Keep up the great work!!!
-Alice

Radrook here once more to provide feedback in order to help others write better. All my advice is intended to be helpful and not annoying. But if I offend in some way my apologies I offer beforehand. Typos might be due to my lazy eye that causes me to see two keyboards and make hand eye coordination difficult. That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem about the emotion called passion which in this case seems to be referring to a strong enthusiasm about something. Passion is compared to a drug that makes a person high and gives the person the idea that he or she cannot be stopped. That is indeed a good comparison since it hints at an irrationality which passion can indeed inflict on a person. In short, it can make a person so irrational that he actually believes himself undefeatable.

Such a passion can prove costly just as being high on drugs can prove costly by making a person take risks that he otherwise would not take were he less enthusiastic. Some people on drugs have been known to jump off high buildings in the belief that they can fly. Others have been machined-gunned down in Bonsai charges during in the Pacific War.

I once had to personally intervene when the small drunk fellow was challenging this sober bigger fellow to a fight because he felt he could take him. Only with great difficulty was I able to avoid his getting beaten to a pulp. So passion can be like a two edged sword, it can aid us in reaching realistic reachable goals or make us plow ahead into disaster.



Suggestion

Even in the darkness you allow them to see.

It is one sentence.


Addendum

The philosopher Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel once stated:

Nothing great in the world has ever been accomplished without passion.

The word passion comes from the Greek word paskho which means to suffer. It is now used to refer to an intense emotion that involves a desire or enthusiasm for something. To say that somebody is passionate about something is often meant in a positive sense. In fact lack of passion can be a common reason for why people will fail at a project. When people are passionate it means that they are motivated and willing to go the extra mile to achieve their goal. If people feel a lack of passion for any activity they will usually find it to be dull and tedious. If the individual has a passion for food it does not mean that they are doing anything wrong – they are engaging in something that is bringing them pleasure.
http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-artic ... addiction/