Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic

12+

Tootsie Pop Commercial

by Kaylaa



i hear the Tootsie Pop commercial
playing in the background as i
think of how you remind me of 
menthol flavoured cough drops. i slide the thought of you
into the side of my cheek or
underneath my tongue,
but it never seems to last. 
the classic question
inquired so many times without answer
comes from the tv.
 the real question is:
how many cigarettes will it take to
turn my lungs to dust?
let's find out, one, two--
there is no crunch.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
223 Reviews


Points: 3566
Reviews: 223

Donate
Thu Jan 05, 2017 9:15 pm
ZeldaIsSheik wrote a review...



ZeldaIsShiek here back for another review on realistic poetry! I have not been doing a lot of these lately, so let's dive right into it!

First off, I like how you titled the poem. Being fond of poetry myself, I really like it when a poet will name their poem something that has little to do with the main poem itself. This guarantees a swift opening and an astonishing start to the poem! I liked this comparison to the cigarettes and the tootsie pop commercial later in the poem, too. It really helped me grasp the effect of the title and how you paced the poem.

Next, I'd like to talk about the poem in general. I like how you compare cigarettes to the thought of 'you' in lines 4-6. I also really liked how you ended the poem! Reading it again, I realized that the pacing was not just creative license, it was a device to alter the feeling of the poem! It's like Rogue One: Once you read/see it once, the confusion from the beginning goes away since you understand what it's about!

Thank you for the freat work, and keep writing! -ZeldaIsShiek




User avatar
254 Reviews


Points: 11396
Reviews: 254

Donate
Wed Jan 04, 2017 10:13 pm
View Likes
Sonder says...



Oh my gosh. I adore this. It was delicious to read, thanks for sharing.




Kaylaa says...


Thanks so much!



User avatar
745 Reviews


Points: 1626
Reviews: 745

Donate
Wed Jan 04, 2017 1:55 am
View Likes
Lumi wrote a review...



A short review for my lack of time, but I think you'll appreciate the brevity for the aim of really mantling this.

Introduced motif (tootsie pop) intro is very chill and subtle, very welcome as far as introductions. There's a slight jarring nature between the intro and the immediate stream of consciousness where you bring in menthol cough drops (maybe consider menthol candies instead, therefore lessening the leap between candy and medicine.)

The inference taken here is so reflective that it's only to be appreciated and acknowledged with a knowing nod from a distance as most can relate to that familial seethe or longing for a different nature in one way or another.

The problem, I feel, is the ending; more specifically how brittle it is, and how suddenly it stops. I understand the effect you're going for, but if you're going for a whispered end, the effect is generally given by an auditory image--not the removal of auditory as you've given us. This is up to your creative demons, but ultimately my ideal ending would have the removal of the last line entirely.

All the best,
Ty




Kaylaa says...


Thanks for the review! <3 I definitely understand your problem with the ending and I'm going to try to play around with this.



User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 60
Reviews: 6

Donate
Tue Jan 03, 2017 10:26 pm
UnidreamXOXO wrote a review...



Not gonna lie, this poem is really great! However, there are a few grammatical mistakes. The "i"s need to be capitalised since it's referring to yourself. Also, the very first letter of every sentence needs to be capitalised, too. Other than that, it's a really great poem of referencing the Tootsie Pop commercial to make the poem more interesting enough to capture the reader's attention.




Kaylaa says...


Those aren't grammatical mistakes, haha. For one, the lack of capitalization was a stylistic choice of the poem and generally if you choose not to, you don't have to follow the grammar rules in poetry that you follow when writing prose. And for the other thing about having the first letter of every sentence being capitalized, that'd also be a stylistic choice and doesn't have to be done in poetry. It's actually a rather odd thing that's weird on the eyes especially since if there is capitalization I usually just use it when a line starts as normal. Thanks though!



UnidreamXOXO says...


Alright, you're welcome



User avatar
40 Reviews


Points: 744
Reviews: 40

Donate
Tue Jan 03, 2017 6:19 pm
queenofscience wrote a review...



Wow! This is really good. So, your poem is about coping with someone, i'm guessing. Maby you could elabrate a bit on who that person is? was it someone who angered you? Or someone who you can't stand? Was it maby a breakup? Is this poem in responce to a breakup? I was thinking this because you talk about smoking afterwards. I was jusst wondering. This was just my interpertation of this. Sorry if this was a different interpertation than what you were meaning. Either way, you did a great job. I TOTALLY remember the Tootise pop cermercals from the 90's, the one with the boy and owl. Anyone who was a kid from the 90's will totaly get this. If anything, it's kinda funny because it's so nastalig and relatable.

Great job :)

Keep writing.





It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
— Mark Twain