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Young Writers Society


12+

Oh, What a King!

by Virgil


Oh, how the King takes his throne
with peasants gnawing away at the calluses
on his feet, no different than a school of garra rufa fish
(keeping him clean while also spreading infection).

The dead tissue press against their teeth,
excuses thoroughly chewed and spit back out
only to become an unconventional organism
(a creature stripped down to the bone).

And sure, he decapitated anyone he didn't agree with,
only protected those with blood threads connected to his wrists
and tuned out others' ideas, his mind is open as a needle
if that can be called open at all.

Oh how noble he is with the crimson staining his boots
and his sword and his reputation is barely tainted
when the crowd is cheering him on --Oh, what a King!
That is what the horde shouts while her son is beheaded
and she is sitting in the front row, watching.

Oh what a sacrifice he makes for his country,
feeding bones to the world-machine to receive
a few slips of paper and a handful of coins
to satisfy his hunter-stricken pockets.

Oh how caring the King is for his people!
And his people? Loyal to a fault.

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55 Reviews

Points: 4517
Reviews: 55

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Thu Jul 27, 2017 10:18 am
DarshayataDeka wrote a review...



Hi! Thought I'd drop in for a quick review.

This poem is...Wow! I have no words to describe how wonderful is it. Filled with sarcasm, gentle irony, humor and a satirical tone, this is what I call perfection.

There were no grammatical errors in this poem. The words were written well and punctuation marks were used wherever required. I did not notice any spelling mistakes and stuff. In short, the construction of the poem is flawless.

Now coming to the actual content of the poem. I think that the title of the poem complements it as it is what the poem is based on: a king (or rather, a dictator or something in today's world). Along with that, it somehows conveys the message to the reader that the poem is going to be a satire. I especially liked the line "only protected those with blood threads connected to his wrists." I mean, it is so very beautiful and realistic. Hierarchy. To be frank, I don't have much to say about this poem. It is brimming with truth and sarcasm. I'm at a loss of words. It is of a different level altogether. Loved it!




Virgil says...


Thanks for the review!





You are welcome. All your poems are totally flawless. Love them.



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Reviews: 13

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Wed Jul 26, 2017 3:48 pm
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Sourire wrote a review...



Bonjour, Nikayla.

And sure he decapitated anyone he didn't agree with,
only protected those with blood threads connected to his wrists
and tuned out others' ideas, his mind is open as a needle
if that can be called open at all.


"And sure" not only seems unnecessary, but I believe it throws the poem off a bit because of the rest of the poem. The rest seems dark and eerie while "And sure" seems like something you would see in a more relaxed poem.

Oh how noble he is with the crimson staining his boots
and his sword and his reputation is barely tainted
when the crowd is cheering him on --Oh, what a King!
That is what the horde shouts while her son is beheaded
and she is sitting in the front row, watching.


Honestly, the thoughts could have flown better here. I think taking away the second "and" in the second stanza and changing "is" to "being" and making a gerund fit would better the overall flow of thought. And removing "That is what". Not only that, but the group of stanzas jumps from talking about the king to a woman's son being beheaded. Although changing subject can be good, I think that had a negative affect here.

Overall I enjoyed the beginning and end, and I love the idea of speaking about the evil kings of history since there were many. I am curious though which king you based this off of... The description about when the people were gnawing at his calluses really made me hurl, but it added to the charm and message of the poem.

Great job and I hope my review helped you in some way.

~Sourire




Virgil says...


Think of this as a sort of letter to all corrupt Kings that have reigned throughout history.

With the third stanza, I added on the "And sure" to make the beginning feel a little less hollow, though I see how this can be viewed as unnecessary. The third stanza is a bit of a list. First, the King decapitates people who don't agree with him. Second, he only protects family or people with a connection to him. Third, he doesn't listen to other people. That's how I read the stanza anyway.

I figured someone might bring up the fourth stanza in which the flow is purposefully that way. I wanted to note how I read the two lines aloud since that might not translate over well in text:

Oh how noble he is with the crimson staining his boots
and his sword--and his reputation is barely tainted
when the crowd is cheering him on --


I lied. Three lines. Point is, I take a breath before the second usage of 'and' in that stanza and I thank you because I could've conveyed that breath better.

Thanks for the review!



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89 Reviews

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Wed Jul 26, 2017 10:20 am
DeepCrystal wrote a review...



I love satirical tone of this poem. I can actually feel the irony that it offers. A king thriving off the suffering of his people and punishing anyone who defies him. The people kiss his feet and starve while he reaps the benefits of their larbor. Yes, what a king!

I wonder if the King is smart enough to tell if their shouts are reproachful or not. I'm feeling like I should doubt it. Like I said above, I could feel the satire, irony, and reproach of this piece. I feel that your use of imagery was great, but while you painted us a picture with the angry tone of words you used, I felt that it could of used more of it. Show us more of what this woman was feeling. The first three stanzas each offered us a bit of imagery, but fourth where you mentioned the woman's son didn't seem to have as much of that imagery as with the previous and following stanzas. Maybe you could show more of what she's feeling in that stanza.

Other than that, great poem!




Virgil says...


Thanks for the review! I'll take adding more imagery into the fourth stanza into consideration--meant to see if anyone else felt that way by posting this.




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