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I Will Find You by Moonlight: Chapter One

by Kay Kay


Chapter One:

The carriage pulled to a stop, and I, Mary Jane Pendleton, miserably stepped down to the ground. My parents, Elizabeth and Jacob Pendleton followed my lead.

“Do you seriously think this is such a wise decision?” I asked them, showing how depressed I was.

“No, I do not, but I agreed to this the day you were born,” Father answered smoothly. “And I am the governor.”

“But that was before you became the governor.”

“Well, as the governor, it is my duty to carry out my promises to the people.”

“Father, these aren’t people…they are rich, snobby, noblemen.”

I sighed dejectedly as the governor of Swahili Island led the way to the front entrance of the manor. Years before, my father had made a deal with Jonathon Leroux. He had saved my father’s life during a war many years ago. The deal was that on the eve of my nineteenth birthday, I would marry his son, James. The only reason the deal was official is for the reason that this certain family is the second richest on the coast and the richest family was full of females…that of course would not work out so well.

At the end of the year, Father would step down and James would take over as governor and I would be his sort of assistant. As you can see, my life was already planned out for me and I did not get any say on the matter. In my opinion, such a thing as this was nothing but absurd. Not only had I never met my fiancé, but also I knew without the shadow of a doubt that I would never be able to love him. I dreamed of love…not fondness. Love was something I had always desired…for as long as I can remember, that was all I wanted in my future. I had a feeling that I would, but now that I knew that my future was already planned for me…well, that would never be possible. Unless, my fiancé died, that is not a bad idea. Know anyone who kills for free? This is nonsense.

I had always looked forward to the adventure of finding love…but being married to a stranger would never fulfill that. Like leaving the mansion behind and living with a normal man would be better than the boring life in the mansion with a complete stranger. But I never considered complaining for the reason that I would disappoint my parents, which was something I did not want. They had been so good to me.

My thought ended when the door swung open, revealing one of the many servants that I knew the Leroux’s had. The young girls eyes grew wide with surprise. It was the normal expression that the normal people had on their faces every time we appeared in public. For my parents were rich and I was a natural beauty.

“We are here to acquire a talk with Sir Jonathon Leroux,” Jacob stated, laying a hand on my back.

“Come in,” she told us before heading down the hall yelling, “Mister Leroux, mister Leroux!”

Mother and I sighed and followed the king inside. My mother was not too excited about me marrying a complete stranger either. She had tried to talk him out of the deal, but once my father’s mind was made up…well, there was no changing it. Even though my parents were married by an arranged marriage. I do not think the idea of an arranged marriage made anyone in my family very happy.

Moments later, I found myself in a library surrounded by servants watching me. While my parents were talking to James’s parents, I had wondered off. Looking around I found that the library was filled with paintings, candles that were gleaming off my blond curls, and bookshelves. But in the center of the room was a sitting area. That was where I found a young man sitting comfortably with a black book in his hands.

I was about to address him when suddenly, a man’s voice said, “Ah! Here you are Mary Jane…or should I call you Miss Pendleton?”

The young man glanced up at me, thinking that he was alone. It was as though he could not remove his eyes from looking at me. His gaze held mine until Jonathon Leroux approached my side.

“Mary Jane is fine,” I answered, looking into the man’s eyes.

“I see that you have met my nephew, Matthew Bromley,” he commented.

“Indeed.” And he is gorgeous I finished silently. We had met. True. But by the exchange of looks…not words.

James’s father linked my arm with his own, saying, “James cannot wait to make your acquaintance.”

With that said, he began pulling me away. The young man and myself did not take our eyes off each other until I had been led out of the room. He had sat with his legs crossed, with the black book in his lap. Matthew’s brown hair was pulled back into a simple ponytail and his dark blue eyes twinkled with excitement. It were as though we had just had a moment…both of us knew what the other thought.

As my parents came into view, I silently hoped that I would get to see that handsome devil again.

James was not the handsome man that everyone claimed he was. He looked more feminine if anything. When he kissed the top of my hand in greeting, the only thing that ran through my mind was how the heck did such a good-looking man have such a girly son?


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45 Reviews


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Thu Apr 30, 2009 12:45 am
VehementWriter wrote a review...



I like this... I think for an introduction you've done a pretty good job... I would just second what Sam said (lovely name by the way ^_^ *is also called Sam*) about the historical accuracy...
While I think the idea of not wanting to enter into a loveless, arranged marriage and falling in love with another is rather cliché, I also think that a well written cliched story still has the potential to be something great... So I think you're off to a pretty good start =)

One thing you might wanna work on, though - description! Make us see exactly what she's seeing... make us forget everything about our actual surroundings and actually be where this story is.
I think you've done well with characters, but don't forget the surroundings.

Just a few things:

Kay Kay wrote:Years before, my father had made a deal with Jonathon Leroux. He had saved my father’s life during a war many years ago.


That sentence bothers me... It's like redundant and you kind of lose flow... You could try something like:
Years before, a man named Jonathon Leroux had saved my father's life in a war, leading to them making a deal.

I don't know... something around those lines.

Here you have like a disagreement with the present and past tense... I'd suggest you put everything in either past or in present, but don't mix 'em...

Kay Kay wrote:The only reason the deal was official is for the reason that this certain family is the second richest on the coast and the richest family was full of females…that of course would not work out so well.


I personally would change that to "The only reason the deal was official, was because ... family was...

Also, how is the richest family being full of females a problem? The second richest has a son, he needs a wife... ?

You know? 'Because' is a nice word. It's like "for the reason that/of" was condesned into one lovely, little word, and I'm pretty sure that happened for a reason... My point being, there's nothing wrong with using it.

Kay Kay wrote:Even though my parents were married by an arranged marriage. I do not think the idea of an arranged marriage made anyone in my family very happy.


You kinda need a comma between "marriage" and "I"... otherwise you leave a thought hanging.

It were as though we had just had a moment…both of us knew what the other thought.


"was" not "were"

Keep writing - I look forward to reading more ^.^

»Sam.




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Wed Apr 29, 2009 7:35 pm
1stViolinS.C. wrote a review...



Hi...
First, I like this story. It's been several times before ;), but I've never read one that has another suitor competing for the girl ;).
But anyways, hold on Mabel, here we go....


“Father, these aren’t people…they are rich, snobby, noblemen.”


I think this would sound better as "they aren't people...they are, etc."

I noticed that you seem to switch viewpoints a lot. For instance, you say,
As you can see, my life was already planned out for me.


That just doesn't sound quite right to me. Also, the part where they "didn't take their eyes off each other until I left the room" is nice, but that's kind of extreme, don't you think? Maybe they could steal glances at each other.

Also, if this is set in the medieval time period, I doubt she would be saying "what the heck" ;).

But, it's all in all pretty good. Keep it up!!!




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Wed Apr 29, 2009 5:17 pm
SuzieCake wrote a review...



I think that Matthew, though it was a good idea to introduce him, should have probably been introduced at a possible later time. Maybe if you had found some way for them to hold the marriage off for a while? I know in this time era women didn't necessarily voice their opinions, but I do know that they did to their husbands. So maybe in the carriage her mother could have talked her father into arranging a courtship as husband and wife to be so the daughter will feel more comfortable and then somewhere in that introduce Matthew? I think it would make it more...interesting and appealing to the audience.




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Sat Aug 27, 2005 5:47 am
Snoink wrote a review...



Oooo! I liked this a lot. And that's saying something. Usually I hate romances. :oops: But this is an exception. A strong female character? An arranged marriage? A father who is trying to do the best for his daughter, yet can't seem to figure out who his daughter is? Wow! I guess some would call it clichéd, but i think it's great. :D

Two things I didn't like.

"Mother and I sighed and followed the king inside."

When I first read that, I thought you were literally talking about a king. I had to look it over again to realize that the king was metaphorical for her father.

And when she meets Matthew... describe! I want sooooo badly to know more about this character, and you hardly described his physical characteristics, how his eyes lit up as he saw her, or anything. Please! Expand!

This was a delightful story and I'm definitely going to read more. :D




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Sat Jul 23, 2005 3:43 am
Sam says...



Still, with the amount of conditioning and...basically being rid of any personality she's had, it's not very likely. That's what I'm trying to say. :wink:




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Sat Jul 23, 2005 3:39 am
Kay Kay says...



Yeah it did help alot. With what you put on here there is some things i'll have to correct you on:

When you said that unmarried men would be called master, the maid is refering to James's father.

Then on things like the rich kid thing. Yes that is true, but I was just simply putting out that the character did not like the idea just like Susannah Lafayette did on the one i wrote before this one. I know that you don't make comments about men to men like that but you see Mary Jane is more of a rebellious stubborn girl and does not care about her punishments. Maybe I should have added that, but you will see that in the later chapters. Uh then on the being married to a stranger that the love thing would never be fullfilled is to show that something is going to happen later on that makes it to where she won't have to marry him.

Well, thanx a bunch for the crit. I really appretiate it.




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Sat Jul 23, 2005 3:17 am
Sam wrote a review...



Since it's a pretty good story, I'm going to leave the plot alone and focus on the historical details. Late 18th century, right?

'My parents, Elizabeth and Jacob Pendleton followed my lead.'

The men would most likely go first, to help the ladies down. Ever tried to step nearly two feet down in about *counts fingers- gown, 1-3 petticoats, underskirt, shift, and a lacy undergown to keep the skirts from sticking to the legs* Uh huh.

'“Do you seriously think this is such a wise decision?” I asked them, showing how depressed I was.
“No, I do not, but I agreed to this the day you were born,” Father answered smoothly. “And I am the governor.”

Ladies do not ask questions, especially governor's daughters. And ladies are not all emo towards men, either, or they risk getting beaten.

'“Father, these aren’t people…they are rich, snobby, noblemen.” '

No comments on men...to men.

'At the end of the year, Father would step down and James would take over as governor and I would be his sort of assistant.'

Women held no power, unless maybe owning a small shop or some. But even then, they would probably be single for the rest of their lives (because men would be afraid of them).

' you can see, my life was already planned out for me and I did not get any say on the matter. In my opinion, such a thing as this was nothing but absurd. '

Welcome to the Life of a Rich Woman, kid. You're not being singled out, it's normal.

'but being married to a stranger would never fulfill that.'

Most girls did.

'Mister Leroux, mister Leroux!'

An unmarried man would be 'master'.

' I do not think the idea of an arranged marriage made anyone in my family very happy.'

18th Century Marriage Process: 1. Boy wants girl (prolly never met her). 2. Boy asks dad to marry girl. 3. Boy marries girl.

**

I can help you with the details, just keep writing such a good story!





Knowledge is power.
— Francis Bacon