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Chapter One revised (it's pretty much the same though)

by Kay Kay


Posted: Sat Mar 05, 2005 11:16 pm

Chapter One:

“Well, I’ll be darned,” commented a voice from behind me. “If it isn’t Ashlee Amber Hauterive.”

Now, I’ll be honest with you. When I hear the voice of a guy who sounds cute, I pay attention. Just because I have a boyfriend doesn’t change the fact that I’m eighteen. That voice, for sure caught my attention, and for unknown reasons.

A thought popped up in my head. Where is Pete? Peter Cullers, the pitcher for the Ocean View Sharks, had been my boyfriend for the past two years. I pushed the thought from my mind, and locked my locker. Then, I turned around to face the hottie who had addressed me. I even smiled.

Why shouldn’t I show off my teeth? After all, I had just gotten my braces removed. My senior year was braces free.

It wasn’t until I turned around to face the hottie that my smile dropped. I became startled. In fact, I was completely stunned to the point where I forgot how to breathe for a few seconds.

I’m guessing he saw my surprise and confusion for his perfect smile of white teeth on his good-looking face fell.

“Ash,” he said; his voice filled with worry. “Breathe.”

The light was reflecting off his spiked brown hair, his blue eyes serious, and his glistening white teeth against his tan. Just like in the dreams of white fog and falling. “I’m new here, and you can’t even give me a hey?”

I continued to stare at him in awe, speechless. What is he doing here? Why is he here? How did he get here? Who is he and how the heck does he know my name?

The thing was, I couldn’t follow my first impulse and run down the hall screaming. I mean people tend to talk about girls who run from the new guy screaming at the top of her lungs. Which I did not want since my reputation would be down the drain.

Instead, I took my second impulse and just walked past him casually. It was as if he read my mind, for his hand shot out and grabbed my arm as I went to pass him. I froze stunned.

Right then, I could have gone off and slugged him, but that might have turned a few heads in my direction. I hadn’t been one of the most feared girls in my old school for nothing. Why do you think my mom transferred me to a school across the country almost three years ago?

Once again, my reputation was in the way. I mean what would my friends down the hall think if I freaking pummeled the new guy. Then, there is the fact that if I took a swing that he might swing back.

Finally, I found my voice and said, “Release my arm.”

“Ash,” he said, slightly smiling. “What’s wrong? You don’t seem to be happy to see me.”

“Still not releasing my arm.”

Irritated, I yanked my arm free from his grasp, and glared. Startled, he let his arm fall to his side. “Listen, I’m sorry the way we met didn’t exactly go very well.”

The dream f the fog in my memories came back to mind and his laugh. Something, which I cannot recall, told me that he knew something I didn’t; something worth knowing.

I couldn’t believe this was happening. Sure, my life is a little unique…okay so it is above unique, but did this have to happen? I mean here it is, a normal mid August day and yet the man of my dreams as it were, was here in front of me.

I blinked several times, but I was fully awake, and this was really happening to me.

“Who the heck are you?” I asked sternly. He simply said, “The man of your dreams.”

“I’m serious!”

“Devon Montgomery.”

“Well, Devon Montgomery, what the heck is so funny?” I asked him, glaring.

“The fact that I know something you don’t,” he answered. I knew it.

I let out a fake laugh and flatly replied, “Hilarious.”

My sarcasm caused him to frown. “Can’t we start over?” Devon asked, practically pleading.

“No, in fact, you had better stay away from me.”

He seemed to find this very amusing. “Or what?” he asked, showing that perfect white teeth smile again.

“Or you’ll regret it,” I added with a threatening tone.

“Oh.” His eyes going wide with mock terror. “You’ll sic your boyfriend on me.”

I couldn’t believe that he had just said that. “No…how on earth do you know that I have a boyfriend?”

Devon simply shook his head smiling. He was obviously enjoying this.

“Fine,” I sneered. “Don’t tell me.”

With that, I began to walk past him, but he grabbed my hand. His cold fingers dug into my hand. Ignoring the pain that had just entered my body, I turned back to him asking, “What do you want now?”

Instead of giving me an answer he pulled me back in front of him.

“Devon, we’re going to be late.”

He let go of my hand asking, “Why are you with that creep anyway?”

“What? Pete is not a creep,” I said defensively.

“So why are you with him?”

“I love him.”

“No, you don’t,” Devon stated as matter of fact. “You’re only with him so that you can keep this reputation that you’ve built.”

I was absolutely stunned and had to know how he knew this information. “How do you know that?”

Instead of answering my question, he said, “Here comes your boyfriend.”

Pete approached us, and planted a kiss on my lips. Then, he turned to Devon. “Who are you?” he asked the guy standing in front of me.

I silently prayed that Devon wouldn’t say anything stupid; like my secrets. It was then that it occurred to me how he knew them. He had read my soul. That meant…

Instead, he extended one of his large, tan hands in Pete’s direction, and stated, “I’m Devon Montgomery.”

Devon Montgomery isn’t the kind of name to strike terror, but he was in all my dreams. I had a reason to be alarmed to the point that I was absolutely terrified.

“Pete Cullers,” my boyfriend said shaking his hand. “You must be new here.”

“My first day.” Paused. “Luckily, I already happen to know Ashlee Amber.”

No one, I mean no one called me Ashlee Amber. I didn’t allow anyone to call me anything but Ash or something along those lines. Well, except teachers and my parents. And Pete knew it. Looking at me, he asked, “Did you two go to the same school at one time or something?”

“No,” I answered quickly. “We didn’t.”

“Ash and I have known each other for years…we go way back,” Devon informed him with a smile of all knowing.

Oh, gosh please don’t tell him what we are, my insides were screaming. Devon and I had a lot more in common than I was comfortable admitting. It was obvious. Was he purposely showing me that?

The tardy bell rang, but neither of us moved a muscle. Pete was still getting over the whole Ashlee Amber thing, and I was making sure that Devon didn’t say anything.

Suddenly, he said, “You won’t find them in here.”

I didn’t have the slightest idea what he was talking about. Honestly, I didn’t want to know. Pete stood there perplexed as I was. I knew at any moment he was going to start asking questions that I wouldn’t dare answer. Still even though I didn’t want to know, I heard myself asking, “Find what?”

“The answers you are looking for…if you know what I mean.”

Now, I knew what he was talking about. My gift…his gift. The gift that he seemed to know more about than I ever could. Since neither of us said anything, Devon continued casually. “When you’re ready to hear the truth, you know where to find me.”

Then, he gave me a wink and walked away, leaving Pete and I there.

“Ashlee.” Pete asked, “What the heck was he talking about?”

“You’ll have to excuse him…he’s high,” I lied.

I couldn’t tell him the truth. In fact, I couldn’t tell anyone. Devon was sadly the only other person in the world who knew…and sadly, that was only because he shared the same gift.

Just my luck, Devon was in my class, and his seat was right behind mine.

“Hey, Ash.” He whispered, “Guess what?”

“What?” I asked irritably.

“We’re in all the same classes.”

“Joy,” I muttered under my breath.

“Guess what else?”

“What?”

“Pete is cheating on you with Megan Revness…you know your best friend.”

I turned around in my chair to face him. “What?!” I whispered angrily.

“I read his soul…you know you should try it sometime.”


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Thu Jun 14, 2007 6:18 am
lulu_lizzrd wrote a review...



firstly remember to double space

for sure caught my attention, and for unknown reasons.
you might want to re-write that sentance it doen't sound good

I even smiled.
the sentance needs to be re-written, its very simple sounding

It wasn’t until I turned around to face the hottie that my smile dropped.
just before that you wrote that you had already turned around and smiled

“Ash,” he said; his voice filled with worry. “Breathe.”
he seems to know her really well, but how come later she doesnt know him at al what so ever?

and his glistening white teeth against his tan.
you might want to say tan skin to make it sound apropriate

Who is he and how the heck does he know my name?
if she didnt know this guy, then how come she freaked out so much when she saw him?

What is he doing here? Why is he here? How did he get here

here you have her freaking out like she knows him, but she doesnt, this hole paragraph doesnt make any sense

Then, there is the fact that if I took a swing that he might swing back
you mean he might step back?

The dream f the fog in my memories came back to mind and his laugh.
the dream OF the fog, and secondly you're saying that she knows him, where as before she didnt?

i have to tell you it looks good, but you really need to work out a lot of things, go over it and read it out loud, because right now it doesnt make any sense how you have the character knowing then not knowing the new guy




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Tue Mar 29, 2005 11:43 pm
Misty says...



It's really good, the story line and general plot drew me in right away, but it needs more description, and less chatting. That's all I caught!




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Fri Mar 18, 2005 8:04 pm
Kay Kay says...



I have been thinking the same thing just haven't got to it yet. LOL!




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Fri Mar 18, 2005 3:33 pm
Shadow Knight says...



It's good, but i would suggest that Devon tells her about her boyfriends after a little more chatting, so to speak.




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Thu Mar 10, 2005 6:52 pm
VoraciousReader_545 wrote a review...



I like it, I read your prologue awhile ago( don't remember if I critiqued it or not). I can't remember if you described Ashlee or not, but if you didn't you should because then your readers have this image of her already if you don't describe her soon. And you need to combine your sentences! Sorry I know that isn't much, but that's all I found. Hope I helped!






~Ashley~ :P





You are going to love some of your characters because they are you, or some facet of you, and you are going to hate some characters for the same reason.
— Anne Lamott