Young Writers Society

Hey Harry, it's Otterpop, with another quick review!

I can see you've taken to dividing your chapters into sections, which probably makes the review process a little easier for some people. I personally don't since my chapters aren't often quite that long but if it works it works!

Glad to be back to Harry and Rose (though Evelyn was interesting), as I do enjoy banter between them. These happy and simple conversations this early on in the story make me wonder if something bad will happen later that pertains to them and/or their sort of "relationship".....but, I could just be overthinking it. The focus for this chapter was certainly the dialogue which isn't a bad thing, and seems to provide some decent setup for the future sections of this chapter. Speaking of chapter, the title of this one.......I about laughed trying to figure out why you decided that as the title! But I have little doubt it will likely make sense later on.

A few other random things I wanted to mention as well:

<quote>Harry nodded to the woman at the counter, who winked in return, as the two of them made their way to the back of the shop. Harry stopped at the history section and he bent down to pick up a book at the very bottom of the shelf. The title of the hefty book proclaimed it to be “Domnar Mane" by K.D. Jayasinghe in golden cursive.</quote>

Shocker, a magical police force or whatever they might be considered uses a secret book/bookcase to get into their office/HQ/etc. hahaha. But seriously, I find it interesting that this particular book is called out at the end of the paragraph and I wonder if it means anything, or will mean anything. That would serve as some cool foreshadowing if so.

<quote>Above the doors a simple plaque was engraved with the letters S.W.O.R.D.(Strategic Worldwide Operations and Reconnaissance Division.)</quote>

If the plaque has the short acronym and long acronym, the parentheses may not be the best way of writing this out in a story.....unless on the plaque the Strategic Worldwide etc. is in parentheses. You could write it out as the plaque says S.W.O.R.D., and underneath it reads Strategic

Or.....if the Strategic Worldwide etc. is not printed out on the plaque, then the S.W.O.R.D. acronym should be explained in a different way.

<quote>Walter, the head technician, was sitting at his computer gesturing at something on the screen. Johnson, his amber eyes glued to whatever Walter was gesturing at, was standing next to him.</quote>

It quickly stood out to me that you used the word 'was' 3 times in this paragraph. And after skimming through again I noticed that you used the words 'was' and 'were' very frequently. Many writers identify these as used in passive writing voice and don't always come off as strong words in fiction. Maybe you could practice writing in a more active voice for some of your paragraphs or chapters? I think it might make the story stand out even more than it already does.

A good example! In most of my critiques, I use the words 'was', 'were', 'is', and 'be' as infrequently as possible (instead of saying something like "This was interesting" I will go "This sentence struck me as interesting"........or perhaps instead of "You were using the incorrect phrasing" I'd say "You used the incorrect phrasing". When it comes to verbs, if you use words that ends in -ing that often indicates a passive voice (using, seeing, understanding, frowning). The greater use of more active verbs (use, see, understand, frown) may greatly improve your writing. Keep in mind that this mostly refers to anything besides dialogue, as that is <i>sometimes</i> an exception when it comes to passive voice.

Try out an exercise if you aren't sure! It's a tricky art to get used to (not using passive voice words), but it is something to think about! This advice from professionals has served me well with my own writing. That said you do not have to do this! Big undertakings like this can change up one's writing style completely and I don't want people to feel as if they need to work too hard on something like this! Okay! Rant over.

<quote>Guess this wouldn’t be a secret agency if the boss doesn’t keep a secret.</quote>

That's actually quite a nice change of pace that a character would be that aware of a fact like this, especially given this story's genre. Nice addition; wonder if some big, big secret that Walter hid would come up at some point later in the story.......again, I could just be overthinking it!


And I think that's it! Don't mind the passive voice rant from earlier; it's something I often suggest to all kinds of writers and have found it very useful for my own works. Again, you don't absolutely have to follow it or listen to me! Just half suggestion, half opinion from me is all. Hopefully the shorter "sections" now make it easier for reviews, which I will be sure to work on some more soon! Happy writing!

Hi HarryHardy,

Mailice again here with a short review!

I see you've started splitting up the chapters. I think it's convenient for most people, I just found it a bit strange at this point. But anyway, let's jump in.

First of all, I have to say that I like your title names. They are not just mere words that describe something and thus want to give the effect of being particularly enticing, but tell an effective story just by this sentence structure, which makes the reader think about what you have written. To be honest, I haven't found chapter titles like that in a book for a long time.

We've progressed quite well so far with Evelyn and now Harry and also heard - I think - for the first time the concept of a place or something, where I'm now asking where the story is set, in a fictional world or in reality? I think it's good that you're opening up this point so slowly now, after you've already seen a bit of the characters and become familiar with them.

I mentioned that I like your descriptions a lot, but I also think that sometimes you use it a bit too repetitively in two points. Firstly, in terms of words (simple, large, big, etc...) where it's not so obvious when you're writing, and secondly, in your structure. You kind of always start from a big point and then build back to smaller and smaller things. For example, if you alternate your focus on something that the character who is narrating sees or something that immediately catches their eye, you manage to add variety as well as a new character reveal.

Otherwise, I liked the chapter. I thought it was great to see Harry and Rose a bit more in a quiet moment, which also shows them talking away from work. Of course, that also shows a good difference. I also liked the later transition from the café to the agency. I found it a bit strange at first until I realised what was happening. I found it very spy-like and I liked that.

I'm going to blatantly ask if Hisderat is an anagram for something or if it's the name of a country, the agency or what.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

Hiya, mint here with a review for the first day of June!! Thanks for reviewing (A Totally Not Evil) Bakesale; Maple and I really appreciate it! ^-^ Alrighty, so let's see if I can get caught up with this novel throughout the month...

Okay, starting off with some overall thoughts, I love your chapter titles! They're hilarious and remind me of Rick Riordan's chapter-naming style. The banter between Rose and Harry is super sweet, too! I could really tell they're good friends (and possibly something more? That "Romantic" tag... 👀) So yeah, I've enjoyed reading this so far!! =D

All right, just a small thing-- I was wondering what the "communicator" in the beginning looks like? Is it a kind of phone? (So far, the setting of this novel seems like the modern day to me, but it could definitely be an alternate universe or something.) Or is the communicator a more magical device that only spell-casting people like Harry and Rose use? Hmm or maybe it's a more spy-like gadget? Excuse all my random guesses, please XD Anyways, it's probably just me, but I'd like to know a bit more about how it looks! Perhaps you could sneak in some information and replace the "it" in this part: "after she had taken a look at it." Totally optional, though! C:
(Sorry, I couldn't find much else to critique, so I'll just be commenting on random little things I notice XD)

Ooh and I really liked the bookstore description! Old, dusty bookstores definitely seem the most magical to me (Oh haha and I didn't catch it before, but I scrolled through the reviews, and I've gotta say-- "Random Name" is the best book title ever XD New York Times bestseller for sure!) And that book-flipping, walk-through-wall magic is just awesome =DD

The corridor, much like every other corridor in headquarters, had no decorations whatsoever. The monochromatic white walls, like they always did, looked too smooth to be real.

Ordered workstations, each one containing a large monitor, were laid out in rows, all pointing towards a massive screen about the size you’d find in a standard movie theater.

Mission time remember. Lots to figure out there. Who was that guy? What does he want? Why did he use the non lethals? How did...Ughhh...why do these things always have to be so complicated?

Hey Harry! I like this chapter a lot, but most of the other reviewers have already said a ton, so this review might be a bit shorter. I'm really liking Harry and Roses dynamic, they seem like real buds, and the little secret stuff like the bookshop was fun, once again the dialogue was sometimes dry of description, I'll point out specifics.
So, let's jump in!

Harry, I know I'm reviewing behind so my previous reviews as of yet have not affected any writing, but still, the horror of spaces before the quotation marks continues, I will list them all below.

she said shrugging,” we did sign up for it.”

she said, doing her best to appear stern but failing miserably,” Now come on.”

said Harry,” they’d need the satellite. He pushed open the door marked ‘RECON - DIV 4’."

chorused Harry and Rose,” We’ll get going then.”

replied Johnson,” I’ll explain later.”

That One Day You Regret Having a Portal for a Cat Flap

“Hot chocolate?” she asked.
“You know me,” Harry replied, “So how’s your…” He was interrupted by a buzz from her communicator

“Well, duty calls,” she said shrugging,” we did sign up for it.”

“True,” agreed Harry, pouting.

“How was I…,” began Harry but his defense was cut off by Walter.

You’d think we were in some fantasy novel...

You’d think we were in some fantasy novel...

Hi Harry!

I've seen you've just posted the newest chapter of this so I'm trying desperately to get up to date with these! Much easier now they're in two parts - it makes it way less tiring to review.

Ok, so my thoughts on this one:

“True,” agreed Harry.

“Well don’t look so sad about it,” she said, shaking her head. ”Honestly, you’re such a drama queen sometimes.”

“I am not a drama queen,” he stated, trying his best to look affronted.

“Enough joking,” she said, doing her best to appear stern but failing miserably,” Now come on.” The two of them made their way out, crossing the street to get to the bookstore.

The two of them made their way out, crossing the street to get to the bookstore.

As far as entrances to secret organizations went, the shop didn’t look very impressive.

Harry flipped through the yellowed pages. A faint silvery sheen appeared around the book. Gradually, it began to turn to a dull green. He continued to turn till the color change was complete. Then, putting the book back, he strode confidently into the wall behind the shelf.

The satellite picked up the signal in an apartment building on the banks of the Zarate,” elaborated Walter

“So do we leave now?” asked Rose.

“Yes. Your mission should you choose to accept it is to get this man into custody,” he ordered.

They turned to leave but halfway there, Rose slid to a stop.

Mission time remember. Lots to figure out there. Who was that guy? What does he want? Why did he use the non lethals? How did...Ughhh...why do these things always have to be so complicated? You’d think we were in some fantasy novel..

Hello! Thanks for requesting another review and for posting the next chapter. ^^

This is definitely a shorter length, which I imagine is because this is part one, but it works nicely when it comes down to reviewing. I see that we're back to Harry's view, which I do like because I think he has a generally lighter tone, and has a rather nice back-and-forth with Rose.

I think the beginning is kinda sweet and I like that they're professional enough to continue with the case/new information even if they just got a nice drink (hot chocolate, what?) and hanging out at a nice shop. I honestly would think that both Harry and Rose would have time to at least enjoy part of their beverages while on the walk to the bookstore, or maybe being able to take the drinks along with them, and leave them at the entrance so that they couldn't ruin the bookstore/something alike to that. But I'm also very particular with what details I pay attention to.

The description of the bookstore is interesting and I like that it feels a bit mysterious, but I also just like bookstores and when they appear in stories. The receptionist is cool for working at a bookstore (lol). Let's see. The thing with the book is also pretty cool - I always want to know more about the "random picking up of a book" but, if Harry is able to see a "shine/glimmer/something different" then that makes sense why he was drawn to it.

I also kind of like the contrast between the different rooms in this chapter - comparing the bookstore with the "lights and decaying shelves" to the "white/bland corridor" and, finally, "the sky blue larger room" just to mess with colors/perceived-emotions-with-certain-colors and I really like that.

Finally, the plot here seems a bit confusing - it sounded like at the beginning of the story that the two cases were quite important - that was why there had been a minor conflict in the first chapter between Harry and Rose wanting to get the cases but also protect each other. So, I am a bit confused as to why the second/missing case wouldn't be a big deal here, even with finding Dirt King because what kind of information did Harry/Rose/their bosses get that made the case not as important as before?

Maybe I missed something though, so that's probably my fault. I think this chapter worked pretty well as a set-up to what I assume is Rose&Harry going to Dirt King's apartment in the next section, and I liked a lot of the character interactions and the descriptions. I hope this helped!

Heya Harry!

Sorry I'm late again, but here we go!!

I really liked the hot chocolate/cafe scene, but it seemed a little strange--since they got the call to go into headquarters immediately, it seems strange that they would be taking a break they didn't have time for? (maybe I'm just sad that Harry didn't get his hot chocolate ) Also, it seems coincidental that they're right across from an entrance to said HQ, so I'm curious if there are many possible ways to get in or if this is a cafe they routinely visit because it's right by HQ? Because that would be really sweet to have that as a tradition.

Harry nodded to the woman at the counter, who winked in return, as the two of them made their way to the back of the shop. Harry stopped at the history section and he bent down to pick up a book at the very bottom of the shelf. The title of the hefty book proclaimed it to be “Domnar Mane" by K.D. Jayasinghe in golden cursive.

Harry flipped through the yellowed pages. A faint silvery sheen appeared around the book. Gradually, it began to turn to a dull green. He continued to turn till the color change was complete. Then, putting the book back, he strode confidently into the wall behind the shelf.

Good to know who that idiot is. I owe him a couple of good whacks after what he did to Rose. But why on Earth was he using so many non lethals? The mys… A pleasant “DING” interrupted his musing.

“Which one was it? 1,4 or 7?” asked Harry as they passed by the doors marked “RECON”

“4,” replied Rose.

“Right, of course,” said Harry,” they’d need the satellite. He pushed open the door marked ‘RECON - DIV 4’."

about the size of the average ballroom

“Yes. Your mission should you choose to accept it is to get this man into custody,” he ordered.

“I warned you not to buy him those movies for Christmas,” Rose said, turning to Harry.

“What about the case?” she asked, turning back.

“Not the top priority right now. But getting it would help,” replied Johnson.

You’d think we were in some fantasy novel...

Hello Harry! I'm here for the requested review, at long last

This is a pretty short chapter, and not a lot happens, but I think it's a nice pause from all the action, and we get to have a closer look at the characters and their personalities. I also think there's a really nice balance between dialogue and descriptions!

I do have a few nitpicky things I want to mention -

In the first dialogue between Harry and Rose, from

“Hot chocolate?” she asked.

“You know me,” Harry replied, “So how’s your…” He was interrupted by a buzz from her communicator.

...to...

“As you decree, your Highness,” he said, bowing low.

“Enough joking,” she said doing her best to appear stern but failing miserably,” Now come on.” The two of them made their way out, crossing the street to get to the bookstore across the street.

The two of them made their way out, crossing the street to get to the bookstore across the street.

The only light came from the streaks of rapidly fading sunlight that managed to make their way through the grimy windows. There was a light covering of dust everywhere and toffee wrappers and bits of paper were scattered around the floor. A counter was set off to a side, a young woman staring at a computer that had been out of date even in the last decade, sitting behind it. Decaying shelves were arranged in orderly rows, each one bearing a modest number of books.

The title of the hefty book proclaimed it to be “Domnar Mane by K.D. Jayasinghe in golden cursive.

“Right, of course,” said Harry,” they’d need the satellite. He pushed open the door marked ‘RECON - DIV 4’.

She looked like she was trying to decide between demanding answers of just going with the flow.

Harry rolled his eyes. Guess this wouldn’t be a secret agency if the boss doesn’t keep a secret. He continued out the door and held it open for Rose. She looked like she was trying to decide between demanding answers of just going with the flow. That look on her face when she’s thinking. So... Whoa Danvers. Where did that come from? Harry shook his head vigorously as if he could dislodge the thought from his brain. Mission time remember. Lots to figure out there. Who was that guy? What does he want? Why did he use the non lethals? How did...Ughhh...why do these things always have to be so complicated? You’d think we were in some fantasy novel...

Hi Harry! Shade here to do a review. Hopefully I'm not too rusty, considering I haven't done one in a while! xD
Okay, let's get to it!

From the little subtitle below the chapter, I'm thinking that poor Terry made a mistake here setting up a portal for his cat. I'm guessing since you split it into two parts (or more) it's going to happen later and I'm scared for you Terry. Don't die on me!

Anyways, on to the grammar and stuff, I guess.

Harry took a moment to look around. The tables around them were all filled.

“Well don’t look so sad about it,” she said shaking her head,” honestly, you’re such a drama queen sometimes.”

“Enough joking,” she said sternly, although the smile didn’t help make it sound very stern,” Now come on.”

Above the doors a simple plaque was engraved with the letters S.W.O.R.D.(Strategic Worldwide Operations and Reconnaissance Division.)

Johnson, his amber eyes glued to whatever Walter was gesturing at, was standing next to him.

“Good Afternoon. We’ve acquired the location of your dirt king.”

Guess this wouldn’t be a secret agency if the boss doesn’t keep a secret.

How did...Ughhh...why do these things always have to be so complicated? You’d think we were in some fantasy novel...

Hello!! You get the honor of receiving my last review needed for Team Tortoise, hurrah!

Rose and Harry are so fun to read about. I’m sensing some possible ~romance~ between them, and even if not, I love this easygoing friendship they have going on and how much they care about each other (like, Harry wanting to get back at dirt guy for hurting Rose is so sweet!). I like how we got a little bit of banter between the two of them in this first part of the chapter. I hope we get to find out their motives in the world/how they ended up in this secret organization in the first place, because I feel like that could really help the development of each of their characters.

“The whaa...ohhh...I mean yes, yes they found the anthill,” she replied looking sheepish.

You’d think we were in some fantasy novel...