Hi Harry! I'm back with another review.
Vankous spluttered, his shield flickering from a moment from his break in concentration.
"WHAT??" he demanded.
Vankous being done with everything Harry comes up with will never not be funny.
"Now wait, I actually had a lesson on that back in my days at the agency, you mean that wasn't just a prank?" asked Sean.
"Duhh...its one of the newest combat techniques introduced into mainstream warfare, but yeah, with the rapidly increasing number of state of the art bathrooms in buildings, invasion warfare has had to adapt you know, you do have your slipper right?"
I'm still not convinced that it wasn't a prank that just happened to be convenient now. >>
I also love both Sean and Harry's reactions here. Sean trying to pause the conversation was perfect, and Harry being like "of course that was an actual thing" was also hilarious. I can't get over the dynamic these guys have.
"You can just float," said Harry, "Sean having them is enough for this plan to work, now come on, figure out which one is the men's bathroom, we don't wanna be going into the wrong one."
That's a very good concern.
"OKay, slipperiness test," said Harry, lowering himself to the floor and studying the bathroom floor. As he did that, Sean took the opportunity to switch out his combat shoes for his slippers, well combat slippers he supposed although he'd never before worn them in actual combat.
"OKay" should be "okay".
And I love how Sean calls them combat slippers!
There looked to be like four commanders or something, so we should have just the perfect number of stalls.
Going back to my comment on the previous part, I would have loved a little more build-up to the commanders ahead of time. It would have made this line even more hilarious than it already was. Maybe they could offhandedly mentioned the four commanders in the last part when figuring out what they need to be prepared for? It would have also been good to get a description of how many stalls were present ahead of time, but I still really love this part.
"Ever read Percy Jackson?" he asked.
"Yeah but how is that relevant?" asked Sean.
"I'm about to become the Lord of the Bathroom," said Harry, "okay that sounded way cooler in my head."
I've never related so much to a character as I did when Sean yelled "YES" right after that comment. I had a sneaking suspicion Harry was going to make a reference to that the moment Percy Jackson came up, but the delivery made me geek out even more.
(As a quick little dialogue tip: Since "okay" would be the start of a brand new sentence, you need to put a period after Harry and capitalize the "o" in "okay." You might also want to switch around "said" and "Harry" so it the sentence reads a little more naturally.)
"Hello Sir," said Sean, "if you insist on using the bathroom, please pay the fee of one punch to the face."
This is everything I could have wanted from bathroom-related warfare.
"Madam, you cannot be in here, please have some decency," said Sean as he punched the hapless soul towards the next stall. The time the waterfall lifted the woman upto the ceiling and held her there.
Never mind that last comment—this was a hilarious call-back to the search for the male bathroom in the start of this part!
"Here we go team, buckle up," said Captain Hardy. The ships engines roared to full power with a delightful whirr and the time ship shot off into space.
I love how this 1) reinforces the fact that Harry's actually in a seriously important leadership position and 2) shows how this story is just a quick snapshot of their usual adventures. I don't have many general comments this time around, but I would have loved to see the other members of their group question how exactly Harry's team got out of the castle. It would have been funny to either see their disbelief at the bathroom combat or Harry, Vankous and Sean completely deny that was what happened. I could especially see Jennifer teasing Harry about it.
All in all, though, this was an awesome short story! I really do love the characters and the way you write action. I'm not the best at action myself, so reading how you write it actually helps me write my own action scenes. You really do keep a battle's momentum going.
I'm really glad you ended up writing and posting this.
Points: 1234
Reviews: 590
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