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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Survival: The Escape, Chapter 5.1

by KateHardy


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Chapter 5

We’re Assigned Even MORE Work

[Harry]

The next day, Harry rolled out of his bed, feeling more relaxed than he had in years. They had actually gotten the day off yesterday in a move that had been genuinely surprising. It wouldn't take a genius to guess they'd be getting a massive cleanup today but that did little dampen his spirits of having gotten some free time for the first time in years.

The incident yesterday had been a shock to his system but he’d managed to keep it together in the moment for Daisy. After talking it through with his mother yesterday, he'd felt much better about it and the first brush he’d had with death had been pushed to the back of his mind for the moment. He had no idea how Aria had managed to play it off like that sort of thing happened every Tuesday but he wasn’t going to question her. He knew it wasn’t her first run in with death. She may as well have been shocked, but she'd hid it too well.

He was ready a good half an hour ahead of their scheduled wake up time. Who would’ve thought that a little extra rest is all I needed to wake up on time? Should I go wake Aria. Naa…not yet. No point disturbing her unless she's late.

Harry spent the time brainstorming how the crashed ship could possibly help them. Last night, Mrs. Kane had made it quite clear there was essentially nothing they could do, not with how quickly the Carpathians had moved to secure the scene. If his mother's estimate was correct, the damage would've been repaired by now. 

Everyone didn't seem to have shared the same idea however, cause once the news had spread to everyone in the camp that the alarm had come from a damaged door, there had been an attempt. The guards that had been stationed seconds after the trio had vacated the area had swiftly dealt with a couple somewhere in their twenties making a run for it. According to those who'd been near enough to witness it, the superheated plasma rifles had left little for the cleaners. No one had gone anywhere the door after that.

Harry tried to prevent his brain from conjuring that particular scene. He didn't even know the two involved and yet...it was heard not to want to scream and throw things, or cry in a corner, or probably both. The two hadn't even stood a chance. Even if they'd somehow caught the guards by surprised, each weapon they carried was coded to only work for its wielder and would explode in the hands of anyone else.

Harry shook his head. Thinking about them would get humanity nowhere. The best he could do was try and move on and escape. It was the only way to do justice to what had happened. At least that's what his mother had told him yesterday night as he cried into her shoulder.

*******

Twenty minutes of mindless pacing later, Aria walked into the room, looking all set on shaking him awake, when she came to a stop and started clapping.

He smiled at her and walked over.

“You don't seem yourself," said Aria, looking at him quizzically. 

“Huh?" said Harry.

“You'd never just let me clap in a situation like this,” said Aria,” are you sure you're okay? You looked fine last night.”

“I'll survive,” said Harry, with a quick nod. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m fine,” she said quickly, perhaps a bit too quickly. “I’ve seen worse.”


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Thu Sep 30, 2021 3:37 pm
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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Hey, Andrew here for a review! I accidentally read part one of chapter six before this, so I was a bit confused, but this chapter makes much more sense. I as a reader am sad to learn that our characters could not just dash through the hole made by the spaceship, I as a critique and fellow writer, am glad you are making it realistic and letting the tension build. You got to love when those two parts of you come into conflict.

But into specifics!

The next day, Harry rolled out of his bed, feeling more relaxed than he had in years.

Relaxed seems like a strange use of words since he seems stressed a fair amount through this chapter, maybe rested would be a better word?
Harry tried to prevent his brain from conjuring that particular scene. He didn't even know the two involved and yet...it was heard not to want to scream and throw things, or cry in a corner, or probably both. The two hadn't even stood a chance. Even if they'd somehow caught the guards by surprised, each weapon they carried was coded to only work for its wielder and would explode in the hands of anyone else.

This could be deeply meaningful here, and I get what you're going for, but I think it needs some editing. I want to feel his horror and anxiety, give us more of that.

Harry shook his head. Thinking about them would get humanity nowhere. The best he could do was try and move on and escape. It was the only way to do justice to what had happened. At least that's what his mother had told him yesterday night as he cried into her shoulder.

Wait, how old is harry? Because I understand your trying to be realistic and communicate he'd just be a normal fragile kid, but I'd save something as broken as literally crying into mom's shoulder until something much bigger happens. There's not much farther to go from there. Also, if he is like fifteen (correct me if I'm wrong on that age) it would be pretty immasculine to cry on his mother's shoulder about something scary. It makes him feel a little bit babyish. I understand if he were to cry because of the death of someone close, or extreme death and danger close at hand that strained him until he snapped, but I don't know if this would warrant it, and in my opinion, does too much to make harry feel weak. I'd suggest communicating his innocence in a different way.
But that's all just my two cents, hope it helped!
Once again, these characters feel pretty real, and I'm interested to see where they're adventures go.
Thanks, and keep writing,
Andrew




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

If I can remember my own worldbuilding correctly, Harry is 15, so is Daisy and Aria is 17 :D Hmm...perhaps I went slightly overboard, I just wanted to show this accident have a decent affect on all of them, but show that Harry takes it much harder than someone like Aria :D



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Thu Sep 09, 2021 5:04 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Harry!

RandomTalks here with a review!

This part takes a pause to breathe and simply go over all that happened in the previous chapter. I like the slow pace you have introduced here. We can simply just listen to Harry contemplate his thoughts and life and I think this was a necessary change after the action-driven last chapter.

I liked the somberness in this part. Harry is usually a very optimistic and excited boy. Whatever happens, he is always there with a bright smile and a renewed hope that is enough to carry everyone else. However, you can see how shaken up he was after what happened. The sadness is evident, but alongside it, there is desperation and helplessness there, and I don't think I have ever seen that from him. It brought a different shade to his usually happy character, and I am glad we got to see it because once again I remembered that he is still a child and not prepared to deal with this.

In contrast, Aria seemed to be standing up tall. She has managed herself and kept herself together with an excellence that makes me wonder. Especially because, out of all them, she is the one who is always ready to give up and has always believed the least. I don't think it is just age and maturity that made her so resilient, but from the way Harry noticed it too, maybe this will be addressed at some point later. The line that it wasn't her first run in with death has made me especially curios.

We also got to know a bit about how the aliens keep the humans in line when they try to escape. And also, the term 'Carpathians'. Does it have a special meaning or do I just not know about it? I will have to look it up.

it was heard not to want to scream and throw things,

A typo here. It will be 'hard' not 'heard'.

That's all.

Keep writing and have a great day!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!!

Oooh...the Carpathians ais the name the humans gave to the alien species, Its specifically Venocarpathians, but they call them Carpathians for short. :D



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Thu Sep 09, 2021 4:47 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi HarryHardy,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

We are already in chapter 5. That´s a bit insane. :D

I really like how you give a short summary with this new chapter, but also add a skip to move the story along. I think it has the interesting effect of bringing the reader to a point where they have had to process what they have witnessed. I think you've written a really good introduction that doesn't immediately start with the first point of the last chapter, but gradually works through that. It's really great.

Further on in the plot, you manage to create a parallel connection between the continuation and the narrative of what else happened between the chapters. I like this form of narration and it came out to the fullest here.

But what I liked best, and somehow also left a bitter aftertaste, was not this new narrative form, and how you handled it, but that brief moment between Aria and Harry. I can't shake the feeling that something dramatic is about to happen, and it looks like it's the moment when the sky is covered by the dark clouds.

Overall, I found this new beginning to be very well written and I'm also kind of glad that we're back with Harry. From the descriptions, we also got to know some bonus points about him and I liked how you handled it all as if it was a lifetime ago and yet it still weighs on the two siblings (and presumably Daisy). I also don't really know if it's a cliffhanger you've left with here, so I'll just say it's a good ending for the first part.

Who would’ve thought that a little extra rest is all I needed to wake up on time? Should I go wake Aria. Naa…not yet. No point disturbing her unless she's late.

The train of thought here is understandable, but Harry jumps back and forth in his thoughts too much, so I would recommend that - similar to a new section, also go into a new section. Otherwise it seems a bit cobbled together.

*******

Something was supposed to happen here, but it didn't, unless it happened to me now. :D

Have fun writing!

Mailice




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!!

:D Yeah, its almost a quarter of the way through now :D

Ahh that's just meant to show the scene change :D



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Thu Sep 09, 2021 3:34 pm
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey!! Forever here with a review!!

Violence get lost! XD. I am quite used to read 16+ works(I have read many works reated 18+) So, let's get right into it. This chapter was a bit different from the other chapters. I quite liked it :)

It had a desperate tone in it despite all the humours in it. Until this chapter there were all the relations between the characters and some ways and plans to escape but here we get a clear picture of the desperate nature of the characters to escape from the place. If I am not much mistaken, this desperate nature in Harry is due to the deaths of these two people. Now, I am quite intrigued by Aria's reaction. As of Harry, she seems to be not very surprised or sad at the death of these two people. Again I will go back to the theory of the father. Aria is elder than Harry. So, I can assume that something happened which is known to Aria but not to Harry. Quite interesting.

*******

This didn't work... If I am not wrong, you wrote this manually. Writing manually sometimes doesn't work... Just try those at the top.

Twenty minutes of mindless pacing later, Aria walked into the room, looking all set on shaking him awake, when she came to a stop and started clapping.

I don't know it might be just me but I didn't quite imagine the clapping as it should be. It seems to be a bit awkward. This clapping scene. I don't know. Maybe provide the description of how she was clapping, that can be of help. You see, there are a lot of clappings portraying lot of emotions.

Overall, a good opening to the chapter and I am noy quite very happy about the title... A lot of work doesn't seem to be a very happy thing on their side.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Also whoops, thanks for the tip...I think it works now




Just because you don't feel like a hero in your own story, doesn't mean you're not a hero in someone else's.
— Tenyo