Hey, Andrew here for a review! I accidentally read part one of chapter six before this, so I was a bit confused, but this chapter makes much more sense. I as a reader am sad to learn that our characters could not just dash through the hole made by the spaceship, I as a critique and fellow writer, am glad you are making it realistic and letting the tension build. You got to love when those two parts of you come into conflict.
But into specifics!
The next day, Harry rolled out of his bed, feeling more relaxed than he had in years.
Relaxed seems like a strange use of words since he seems stressed a fair amount through this chapter, maybe rested would be a better word?
Harry tried to prevent his brain from conjuring that particular scene. He didn't even know the two involved and yet...it was heard not to want to scream and throw things, or cry in a corner, or probably both. The two hadn't even stood a chance. Even if they'd somehow caught the guards by surprised, each weapon they carried was coded to only work for its wielder and would explode in the hands of anyone else.
This could be deeply meaningful here, and I get what you're going for, but I think it needs some editing. I want to feel his horror and anxiety, give us more of that.
Harry shook his head. Thinking about them would get humanity nowhere. The best he could do was try and move on and escape. It was the only way to do justice to what had happened. At least that's what his mother had told him yesterday night as he cried into her shoulder.
Wait, how old is harry? Because I understand your trying to be realistic and communicate he'd just be a normal fragile kid, but I'd save something as broken as literally crying into mom's shoulder until something much bigger happens. There's not much farther to go from there. Also, if he is like fifteen (correct me if I'm wrong on that age) it would be pretty immasculine to cry on his mother's shoulder about something scary. It makes him feel a little bit babyish. I understand if he were to cry because of the death of someone close, or extreme death and danger close at hand that strained him until he snapped, but I don't know if this would warrant it, and in my opinion, does too much to make harry feel weak. I'd suggest communicating his innocence in a different way.
But that's all just my two cents, hope it helped!
Once again, these characters feel pretty real, and I'm interested to see where they're adventures go.
Thanks, and keep writing,
Andrew
Points: 34
Reviews: 178
Donate