z

Young Writers Society


12+

Survival: The Escape, Chapter 4.5

by KateHardy


Daisy shut her eyes even tighter if possible as the sound of the ship sliding continued to issue from behind them

There was a loud sizzling noise as she smelt something burning, accompanied by all sorts of sizzling and sparking sounds. It was followed by the sound of something heavy being dragged through grass. As she heard that last sounds, she froze, not daring to think of what that could mean.

She turned around so fast that her neck made a cracking sounds. In front of here was a scene that she had never even imagined she'd be able to witness. A long pointy nose. It was the ship. Caught on its nose like a leaf on a rake was the door, blackened and burnt. There were rips and tears all across its surface as if someone had slashed it repeatedly with a knife. The ship hadn't been going fast enough to go all the way through the wall but a good chunk of its burnt and deformed body was sticking through the frame where the door had once been.

The wall itself seemed to be free of structural damage but the frame surrounding the door was a jagged mess of blackened and half melted metal. Even though the ship was plugging most of the current hole in the wall, between the jagged edges of the doorframe and the burnt hull of the spaceship, Daisy could make out light.

She lay there staring at the carnage. Her mouth was open in shock, her brain barely keeping up with the information that it was receiving.

Harry put an arm on her shoulder. She turned and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him in tight. He returned the hug, whispering in her ear.

“What’s this for?”

“Didn’t I promise you a hug if you got it right,” said Daisy, trying to sound like she was just reminding him casually. The slight crack in her voice betrayed her.

“Hey we’re fine. No one got hurt,” said Harry, stroking her back gently.

She smiled into his shoulder, hugging him tighter. She didn't know how he wasn't just as shocked as she currently was, but she didn't care at the moment.

After a few seconds, she pulled away, giving him a smile.  Behind him, she could see Aria, her face currently unreadable. 



Then the alarms began to sound. Daisy heard the sound of running feet from the corridor that led inside. The PA system began to blare. That got Daisy somewhat out of her current shock. They'd taken longer than she'd anticipated but even if they were late, the message was clear. They had to get moving.

"Come on you two, we've all been ordered to report back to The Hub," said Aria, voice much quieter than usual. She began to walk.

Daisy looked at Harry. Somehow, he looked to be the most composed of the three of them. He gestured towards Aria's recceeding form and nodded in that direction.

"Shall we?" he said.

"The...door," Daisy said. "It's..."

"I know, but we can't stay here any longer," he said.

Daisy nodded and the two of them turned to walk after Aria. Aria didn't seem to have waited for them to catch up because she was almost out of sight. 

"What's going to happen now?" said Daisy once they'd started to walk.

"I don't...I don't know...," said Harry, trailing off.


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178 Reviews


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Sat Sep 25, 2021 10:24 pm
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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



surprise surprise, it's me again.
Overall, a lot of the tension is defused here as we reach a conclusion to whats happening... somewhat
But into specifics

Daisy shut her eyes even tighter if possible as the sound of the ship sliding continued to issue from behind them

Clunky
She turned around so fast that her neck made a cracking sounds.

this is a little goofy XD

Harry put an arm on her shoulder. She turned and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him in tight. He returned the hug, whispering in her ear.

“What’s this for?”

“Didn’t I promise you a hug if you got it right,” said Daisy, trying to sound like she was just reminding him casually. The slight crack in her voice betrayed her.

My heart </3 awwww.....

"I don't...I don't know...," said Harry, trailing off.
I like to see the know it all harry, not knowing.
But yeah, good chapter, a bit rushed at times, but good.
I think the description of the crash was the biggest offender for the need of editing and expansion, but besides that pretty good.
Thanks, and keep writing!
Andrew




KateHardy says...


thank youu for the review!!

I think I can definitely add a bit more description in the latter parts of the crash...things to think about for draft 3 :D xD I have no excuse for lack of descriptions....cause the first draft was rushed, it was a NaNo novel after all, but the second draft took about 8 months so...this is just me being slightly lazy I think. :D



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Wed Sep 08, 2021 6:28 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi HarryHardy,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

That was a nice chapter. You could really feel that it was like a gentle descent, which made me feel that there will be a first peace. I felt it was really great to see that Daisy remembered the promise and especially that she did it without being reminded by anyone.

I liked that after the dialogues, this chapter now deals more with the descriptions. I liked that you could read reasonably much about it. I think that's probably also important for the continuation of the plot, that some things that seem more important are described.

I found the second half just as interesting as the first, because from 0 to 100 it laid out this seriousness again and left the humour behind (nothing bad). It definitely surprised me to read that and I like your tension building.

I especially like how Harry himself has no idea what's going to happen towards the end, which I think is a good cliffhanger. Especially, after the last two parts, where the cliffhanger was more part of an external thing than now a main character. I think that's good.

Some other points my eye caught:

sliding continued to issue from behind them
.
A full stop has been forgotten here.

sizzling noise as she smelt something burning, accompanied by all sorts of sizzling and sparking sounds

I'm sure there are synonyms for sizzling. :D

Then the alarms began to sound. Daisy heard the sound of running feet from the corridor that led inside. The PA system began to blare. That got Daisy somewhat out of her current shock. They'd taken longer than she'd anticipated but even if they were late, the message was clear. They had to get moving.

On the one hand, you succeeded in trying to build up the tension, but I also found that it got lost again through the many short sentences. It seems so zack - zack - zack. Maybe you could have expanded a bit more on what kind of shock it was that Daisy had, or if someone spoke, etc....

Have fun writing!

Mailice




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



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Wed Sep 08, 2021 1:31 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Harry!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a very good continuation of the previous part. The lightness of their banter and their excitement at this new arrival seems to have disappeared, as the this part took on a more somber tone. Everyone seems to have lost their speech, no one really knows what is going to happen or what this means for them. I think you portrayed this confusion and numbed fear in a very realistic way.

I liked how shocked Daisy was. Out of the three of them she probably is the one who is most ignorant of what is going on, having never been to one of their meetings. This must be so put of the blue for her and even the light behind the wall must be such a new discovery for her unlike Harry and Aria who has already had a glimpse of the outside world. The part where Harry tried to comfort her was really sweet as it really seemed like she was speechless. I am a little curios about Aria as she is the only who hasn't had a reaction yet.

Some tiny nitpicks:

As she heard that last sounds,

You don't need that extra 's' in 'sound'.

In front of here was a scene that she had never even imagined she'd be able to witness.

I think you meant 'her' here instead of 'here'.

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!! :D



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Wed Sep 08, 2021 12:17 pm
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!!

She turned around so fast that her neck made a cracking sounds.

There is one extra s in sound.

Harry, I find it hard reviewing your works. I wonder why... Anyway, Daisy has some good observing powers, both visual and auditory. In the last part, we saw the auditory one more but here we have both. I really like the fact how you are assigning some positive powers to the characters. If their positive powers are combined, it will seriously form some sort of superpower. Quite an advantage. And by the way, does Aria have any power? I don't know I couldn't find one except that she appears to be a supporting character to Harry. I wonder if we will see one in the future.

I would just like to know about the full form of PA. There are thousands of them and I can't really comprehend which one you meany there. However, that's definitely something related to security. Now this is, I guess something that belongs to the Aliens, this PA system. So, I can assume that that Spaceship landed against their will. I am very curious to know whom this spaceship belongs to. Or maybe it has landed according to their will but the damage in the door and the adjacent areas is the reason for their concern.

Aria's expression makes me think something is tremendously wrong. She is extremely horrified and shocked to speak more as it appears to me. Something must be wrong inside. The rise of planet of cliffhangers. :D

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




KateHardy says...


Thank youuu for the review!!!

xD...I hope they make a good team. :D

Ohh, that means Public Address System, its just like they're announcing to the whole place to get away from the doors because the wall now has a hole in it.





Ooh I see. Great :D



KateHardy says...


:D




When your heart gets pierced with arrows, don't rip them out and pierce those around you in retribution for your hurt. You'll only unnecessarily wound others and bleed to death yourself.
— LadyMysterio