OOOOOOOH I WAS RIGHT CRAPS HITTING THE FAAAAAN
Ahem, sorry, Andrew here with a review.
Now, you may get a billion reviews out of me today for a variety of reasons but one of which is that I want to see where all this excitement goes.
Overall, all the characters were very well written in this section, all I'd ask for is a more in-depth description of the fireball since that is pretty central to the chapter and never really described, and also the well of emotion in it may be causing inside of our daisy.
But into specifics
What looked like a large flaming ball was slowly dropping out of the sky.
Being maybe the most important thing that has happened so far I think the ball deserves more than one sentence of description. Large? Like large when compared to a basketball or large when compared to a person or large when compared to a house? Ball? Flaming? Like, on fire, like the way a torch is on fire, or like in the way a falling asteroid, or like in the way a car's engine can burn?
Ball? Like perfectly round or vaguely spherical? Slowly? Are we saying slowly relative to things that normally fall out of the sky or like actually is it inching its way down? Sky? Like, the sky sky, like it's descending past clouds and possibly out of space, or like, 50 feet above sky?
As you can see, this one sentence leaves so much ambiguity I'm having a hard time imaging what's going on at all. It's hard to get into the story and relate to the characters when I can't see what there seeing. I understand that plenty of this information may not be available to the characters and or will be revealed as time goes on, but at the start I think it would be wise to give a bit more of a basic sketch of what they are seeing.
“Deductive reasoning,” he replied.
Elementary my dear Watson
“Do you think I have super eyesight or something?” asked Harry,”there’s no way to recognize any markings from this far away and the fact that it is a giant ball of fire at the moment is not going to help matters.”
Revealing more info through dialogue is good, but too little too late.
She couldn’t make out any details. The fire and smoke was obscuring anything that could be noticeable from that distance. The only thing that she could make out was that it seemed to have a very pointy front end.
what distance????
But that's all just my frantic two cents! Hope it helped!
“I just made that up. It just sounded really cool to say,” he said, winking.
I too harry, make up tons of random stats to sound cool.
All in all super exciting chapter, I just wanted moooore.
Thanks, and keep writing,
Andrew
Points: 34
Reviews: 178
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