z

Young Writers Society


12+

Survival: The Escape, Chapter 3.1

by KateHardy


Chapter 3

We also have to get through that?

[Aria]

“The new door looked a little thin,” began Aria. 

“It was pretty flimsy,” added Harry, "like you get the feeling someone strong enough would have no trouble just punching their way through it."

"Yeah, it looked more like a downgrade in door design rather than a upgrade but I suppose that's simply have most new technology works, with the whole becoming sleeker and smaller trend that we have," said Aria.

Mr. Summers nodded in agreement, "Yes, that's correct. The current doors we have were also quite a bit smaller and lighter compared to the originals they replaced. That seems to be the trend with their technology. So, what do you think of the material, did either of you take a closer look?"

"Well, we were forbidden from touching it, and with the cameras, its not like we can break that rule," said Aria.

"But we did get a fairly close look at it," continued Harry, "it definitely doesn't look like anything we've seen before. It was a lot more...shiny..reflective I think is the word, definitely a metal of some sort."

"Yes, that seems to match the pictures we were able to obtain and from both accounts I think we can reasonably assume that it being a metal is correct.," said Mr. Summers, "it appears they've come up with perhaps a new alloy that's potentially much stronger than what we've currently and hence why the doors can be that thin."

“Wish there was a way that we could test this out honestly,” said Harry. 

“That might be easier than you think,” said their mother from her seat,” finish your reports and then you can see the data that we’ve managed to find.”

Aria inwardly groaned at that. Her mother just had to pick that moment to be mysterious about things.

“Any more specific details that you guys managed to pick up on?" asked Mr. Haber this time.

"There was this uhh...network I think is the word, of wires running through it and the different hinges," said Harry.

"Oh yes, that did stand out because none of the previous doors I've personally scene had any kind of visible wiring," said Aria, "of course it wasn't like exposed wiring, but just sort of behind this glass panel. It was a strange thing to have, cause why would they want that visible?"

"The seems to indicate the wires aren't quite finalized," said Mr. Summers, "Logically, the only reason they'd ever leave a mechanism somewhat visible is if they needed to study it for some reason, either because something about the door's operation requires it to be visible or they need to troubleshoot something about the door. Considering this is a final design that they did go ahead and install, I highly doubt its a prototype, so I'd say the former explanation is much more likely. Alright, tell us more about these wires, anything that stood out besides the fact that they were visible?"

"Uhh..." said Aria, looking towards Harry. Being completely honest to herself, Aria hadn't studied the wires all that intently, mostly because she hadn't studied the door itself all that intently. Its not like talking about the stupid thing means we can suddenly know how to open it.

Luckily for her, Harry got the hint and continued, "Right, the wires. So it looked somewhat like one of those ancient devices we used back in the 21st century. Uhh...I can't remember the name, some mother something..."

"Motherboard?" suggested Mr. Summers.

"Yes, exactly, that's the word," said Harry, nodding. Aria nodded along, with a smile, trying to look like she knew what Harry was talking about.

"Well, that is an interesting observation," said Mr. Summers, "we could not make out any sort of detail from the images we got, so this will certainly help out a lot in trying to understand this door's mechanism. As for what that might, well I'll need to consult with a couple of others but just as a quick thought, I think it might be a sign that they're attempting to link these systems together in a way that hasn't been done before. I won't say much more without any research, but that's my first impression here."

"So, how will that affect us?" asked Mr. Haber.

"Not too badly, I think," said Mr. Summers, "in fact if these doors link up to a more centralized system than the independent systems currently in place, it could open up a potential vulnerability for the aliens. I'm sure they have multiple failsafes but as much as a system like that makes everything more convenient, it can open a door for us, both literally and figuratively. Of course like I said, we need more information before deciding on anything. We've barely gotten a look at the thing as of now."


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Thu Sep 09, 2021 4:08 pm
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MaybeAndrew says...



Okay, but now for my review of this actual chapter! XD.
This was my favorite chapter so far, it flowed easily, and was interesting and enjoyable to read, and I can feel that feeling of mounting tension and getting close to actual solutions.
I would agree with Malice, I want to see more dialogue tags and character descriptions sprinkled around!
But into specifics!

"The seems to indicate the wires aren't quite finalized," said Mr. Summers, "Logically, the only reason they'd ever leave a mechanism somewhat visible is if they needed to study it for some reason, either because something about the door's operation requires it to be visible or they need to troubleshoot something about the door. Considering this is a final design that they did go ahead and install, I highly doubt its a prototype, so I'd say the former explanation is much more likely. Alright, tell us more about these wires, anything that stood out besides the fact that they were visible?"

I like this, makes Mr. Summers seem like a smart straightforward thinker... he'll probably be a help in the revolution/escape (;
Luckily for her, Harry got the hint and continued, "Right, the wires. So it looked somewhat like one of those ancient devices we used back in the 21st century. Uhh...I can't remember the name, some mother something..."

Okay, if I'm correct from the lore we learned in our last installment, the 21st century wasn't even a thousand years ago, which would mean ancient would not be the right word, unless used figuratively (like what I call my friends flipphone) because ancient, though also a term, is a period of history (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ancient_history) which a long time ago. I wouldn't call something from the 1700's ancient, except figuratively, so unless I am misremembering the timeline of the story, I'd advise changing that word.
But I like this reference to our current period (:
"Yes, exactly, that's the word," said Harry, nodding. Aria nodded along, with a smile, trying to look like she knew what Harry was talking about.

Mood
excited to see what Mr. summers plan is!
Thanks, and keep writing,
Andrew




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



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Thu Sep 09, 2021 3:50 pm
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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Okay, Andrew here with a review!
Before we get into the chapter, I'm going to do a bit of an overall review of the story up to this point, since we are on chapter 3 now.
Survival: The Escape has both an interesting concept, likable characters, and a unique style of writing, which is the beginnings of a story that you could get a real audience to read. The style of writing is easy to read and enjoyable, it's not stilted, and informal, this has it's weaknesses, as well as its strengths. Its largest strength is that it makes it easy to read and makes the situations very human. It's weakness is sometimes it can bring one out of the story as it feels more like a friend telling you something second-hand then a book.
The characters are realistic and likable, and I'd say this is the main strength of the book. I really actually care about them. I think one of the most common mistakes of new writers is forgetting that the priority is the audience, and that the only thing the audience really cares about is the characters.
But I do actually care about the characters, it's the main thing that keeps me reading. They are relatable and I want to see where they will go!
I'd say the only way you could improve on this is let us look at them more! Give us more views into their heads, backstory, personal lives, and experiences as we go on.
I am revving to see more of harry, daisy and aria, so I'd say it be worth it to 'slow down' the plot a bit to give us some more of them!
Lastly, the concept. The concept is definitely very cool, and I'm very interested to see how you manage to have the technology inferior humans beat back the aliens. I'm currently actually reading war of worlds, which for the record, is horrifying. But it's the first alien invasion book of all time, and it puts humanity's chances in a bleak light, and I'd have to agree. I don't understand how we could beat a civilization so far advanced as to travel the depths of space. But, I know you're a good nerd, so I trust you will do it within the bounds of science, and I'm intensely interested in how you do. Furthermore, the Alien Invasion Genre almost exclusively is set in the war for dominance, so to see a post-loss occupation situation is extremely interesting and quite original.
I'd say that the second thing, after the characters, that keeps me reading, is this discovery of lore and how they'll fight the aliens.
Your slow reveal of lore is fun, and pretty well handled so I like that.
My biggest overall complaint is in the general confusion that some parts bring. I totally understand wanting to keep us in the dark about the lore and things that don't come up naturally, but there is a difference between making us wonder about the lore and making us confused about the situation.
So I'd say it would be fine for the narrator, or through the character's thoughts, dialogue, or flashbacks, to give us more information regarding certain scenes. Sometimes scenes feel a bit rushed before I can get all the info, and it's hard for me to really get into it because of all my blind spots.
All other complaints I have are normally covered in specific reviews and will very easily be edited in later drafts.
So far this has been a good introduction into this story and world if sometimes a bit rushed, and I'm excited to see where we go once the action really gets started.
Overall, so far you're story has been intriguing, your characters likeable, and your writing enjoyable, so with some good editing, I could see this idea being published.
Thanks, and keep writing,
Andrew




KateHardy says...


Ahhh....thank youu for this...seeing a general overview like this is really helpful!!! :D



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Fri Sep 03, 2021 5:24 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Heyy! Forever here with a review!

First of all, i will go with how they can test the door's material. If I were they, I would have thrown something on that door and see how that reacts. Maybe something similar to the constituents on human's body, if that makes any sense. Mr. Summers said that is easier than they think. This material throwing seems to be quite easy to be very honest. Like they can just act and drop something on that door during the course of work... The Aliens are not that intelligent to comprehend their plan.

In this chapter, Alex seems to calm down. He seems to be the head of the mission they are going to carry out and also very determined person. He appears to be very intelligent and an ardent believer of proofs. I really like how he is not jumping to the conclusions and just telling them his assumptions clearly stating he is not fully sure. That makes him extraordinary and quite an interesting character judging from the fact that normal people jump to conclusions without thinking twice. He has a different sort of personality, which I like. Now to the other new people who were introduced in the last chapter, the personality of Mr. Haber and Johnson are not very well established. Hopefully they will be when this chapter ends.

Now Harry. I wonder about his loss of words. I don't really know if that can be called a loss of words but something is there. The phrase "I think is the word" is repeated twice and that makes me think of it in an important way and it also helps in personality development of Harry and he also seems to be a forgetful fellow, if I am not wrong. This can be due to nervousness and excitement also. I don't know the clear reason behind it but it is interesting.

The wires have something top do with the door and I don't have any idea about what it can be. Attract humans and make them touch and test it? If I go back, they told not to touch the door which actually instilled a desire to touch the door in the children. As of Summers, things seem to be easing for the probable establishment of a central network. Let's see what happens. I am also quite interested to know how the human beings are getting the pictures of the doors and also information about them.

Overall, a great chapter, provide some descriptions tho.

Keep Writing!

~Forever

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Tue Aug 31, 2021 7:05 am
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello!

RandomTalks here with a review!

So we are in chapter 3 now. I like how this part has shed some light on what exactly is going on here. It was an interesting beginning to the chapter, where for the first time we are being given the information from the start and not having to dig through parts until the chapter end. I find it a little strange how Harry is a lot more confident and concise whereas in the previous part he was so nervous. I feel like there is a transition there that is missing. Aria, on the other hand, remains on the backseat, because she didn't study the door and had nothing to add on to the conversation. I think that is more realistic of her, because I did not really expect Aria to be interested in taking notes either. That seems more like Harry's forte.

I feel like this chapter could be a little more detailed. Not in dialogue or information, but in descriptions. You are beginning a chapter here, and although it's a direct continuation of the second one, you should provide at least some kind of setting or background. Also, I found it a little strange that although Ms. Johnson was the kindly lady who introduced the children in the previous part, broke the ice with some joke and played an overall significant part in the previous chapter, she has completely disappeared from the story in this one. She is not even a background voice at the meeting she seemed to have been leading until then, she is not there at all. I think you should mention her, at least in some small way, so that it takes some of the strangeness away.

Now on to some other details:

The current doors we have were also quite a bit smaller and lighter compared to the originals they replaced.

You use the word 'have' here and you follow it with 'were' which just messes the tense up. It poses a contradiction to the meaning of the sentence, and confuses the reader. It should be "The current doors we have are..."

"it appears they've come up with perhaps a new alloy that's potentially much stronger than what we've currently

The 'we've' will be 'we have' here.

As for what that might, well I'll need to consult with a couple of others

I feel like there is a word missing after 'might', that just throws the sentence off a little. Did you mean, "As for what that might mean,"?

"The seems to indicate the wires aren't quite finalized,"

The 'the' will be 'that' or 'this' here.

That's all.

Keep writing and have a great day!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Like I said down below...this chapter's gonna be a bit more rough around the edges, cause it required a complete rewrite in draft 2 and so hasn't quite been edited as much as the previous one. :D

Hm...and the notes on the background...and Ms. Johnson, definitely things I will consider...I feel like perhaps her dialogue will round itself off if you take this entire chapter as a whole...this does have six parts after all, but I do get your point about the description...or lack of it I suppose..xD

Thanks again!! :D



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Mon Aug 30, 2021 7:38 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi HarryHardy,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

I think with the beginning of chapter 3 you managed to break the tension in a way. It's like a lot of new avenues are opening up in this story after all that's been discussed here.

It was a very good chapter. I really like how the dialogue here plays out in a new light and how it becomes clearer what they are discussing. I also liked that everyone had a say here. It made the dialogues feel extremely dynamic and well expressed. I definitely liked that point about how it read.

I think since you're so far along that you've established your story well, I would recommend that for those longer dialogue boxes, you include more of what other characters are doing or what the character who is speaking is doing. (Is she running a hand through her hair, where is she looking, or is someone scribbling something). That helps to build up the tension again and I think it's also a great experience to then read a little bit between the lines what is meant.

One point I can advise you is to read again about future chapters. There were some spelling mistakes or punctuation errors here a few times. They don't really bother you, but they stand out depending on how fast you read. :D

Some points my eye caught while reading:

rather than a upgrade but I suppose that's simply have most new technology works,

Firstly, there is a “n” missing after the “a” and I believe that “have” should be “how”.

It was a lot more...shiny..reflective

Here is a third dot missing for an ellipsis.

being a metal is correct.," said Mr. Summers,

Here is one symbol too much.

Oh yes, that did stand out because none of the previous doors I've personally scene

I believe the “scene” should be a “seen”. And afterwards is a comma needed, since there is a new verb.

Aria hadn't studied the wires all that intently, mostly because she hadn't studied the door itself all that intently.

Your second half of the sentence makes no sense because you already explain yourself with the first half. I would either leave it out or rewrite it a bit.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Ooof...lots of mistakes...I think chapter 3 in general might be like that, its a bit rougher than the others. In draft 2, I had to completely rewrite it so it has gotten less editing..xD




Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!
— Dr. Seuss