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Young Writers Society


12+

Survival: The Escape, Chapter 2.5

by KateHardy


Harry looked excited as he made his way towards the chairs, although Aria thought she could detect just the slightest hint of nervousness hidden in there. Aria gave him what she hoped was a reassuring smile as she followed after him.

Mrs. Kane had already sat down. After a few nervous smiles all around with the other occupants of the table, Aria sat down next to Harry who was seated next to their mother. Mr. Haber also took his seat once everyone was seated.

“Hello, hello,” began Mr. Haber, “I see that you two have finally joined us at one of these meetings.

That took Aria by surprise. They were expecting us earlier than this. So Mum either couldn't take us earlier or didn't want to? I wonder why that is.

“Come on Jake, I told you this was the best time for them to know. Any earlier and things would've been a lot shakier,” said Mrs. Kane, "there was no guarantee their team would get the shift, there were five others in consideration."

“Right, there was that,” said Mr. Haber, “Now then, that aside, shall we get underway? I suppose introductions would be a waste of time since I’m sure you already know Alex and Eve here."

Aria gave a quick nod and another smile. "Yes." Harry was clearly a lot more nervous than he let on because he couldn't manage more than a nod.

“Don't be shy, Harry,” said Ms. Johnson, “come on Alice. Have you managed to terrify them this much about what goes on inside these meetings?”

“He's probably a bit shocked Ms. Johnson,” said Aria, speaking up, “we didn’t think that we’d be taken to a meeting anytime soon. Isn’t that right Harry?”

Harry nodded vigorously in the affirmative.

“Come on Harry, we're not gonna bite, we have the aliens for that job," said Ms. Johnson, causing everyone except for Mr. Summers to burst into laughter. Mr. Summers had a disapproving glance on his face. His displeasure aside, that joke seemed to have broken the ice for Harry because he finally found his voice.

“No Ms. Johnson,” he managed.

“Alright then, now that we've all wasted time on that, shall we actually get underway?” suggested Mr Summers, “I hate to have to say this but we don't have time to waste, we've all got places to be early next morning and it's already quite late.”

“He does have a point," began Mrs, Kane, " Onto the topic then. So these two and Daisy, I think you all know her too?" Mrs. Kane paused to let everyone respond. Everyone seemed to nod 'yes' and she continued,“ So this trio were the ones that got assigned to the new door.” Mrs. Kane turned towards the two of them. "This is something I actually didn't get to tell you guys earlier, but one thing which makes this door a bit more important than the others we've had before is that after considering all the information we've got so far, we've all come to the conclusion that this is the start of a new phase of security for this place."

"Indeed," said Mr. Summers, "this is all but confirmed. We only need to look to History. As you all know next June will mark the 100th anniversary of humanity's imprisonment. The current security system became fully operational on the 8th of June 2168, which was the fiftieth anniversary of our imprisonment. I was barely ten at the time but I remember that change quite vividly. If I recall accurately here, the first signs of security upgrades took place around a month earlier, which brings us to this month, and this major change in door design."

"Yes, thank you for the explanation Alex,” said Mrs. Kane," now that that is out of the way, onto you guys. So, we couldn't get too close to the door for...well obvious reasons, so we need to know the details you guys managed to spot there up close."

Harry looked at Aria. She gave him a smile and began to slowly stand up. I guess it’s about time that we get this show on the road. 

“Hey, it’s not school you two, no need to stand up,” said Ms. Johnson. Aria went red as she hurriedly sat down. Good Job Aria, you managed to make a fool of yourself in less than five minutes. 

"Sorry, didn't realize," said Aria, quickly moving past that incident before she could embarrass herself further. 

"No problem kiddo," said Ms. Johnson, "now continue before Alex starts yelling at all of us."


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Thu Sep 09, 2021 1:02 am
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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Andrew here with a review!
Oooooh, so much lore... Overall, I liked this chapter, it gives us a lot more ideas to play with, and makes our child characters seem like... kids, which is often times mishandled in teen fiction, but you did it well.
I'd say my biggest overall critique, is sometimes the dialogue was clunky or wooden, but into specifics!

Mrs. Kane had already sat down. After a few nervous smiles all around with the other occupants of the table, Aria sat down next to Harry who was seated next to their mother.

Clunky
“Right, there was that,” said Mr. Haber, “Now then, that aside, shall we get underway? I suppose introductions would be a waste of time since I’m sure you already know Alex and Eve here."

I agree with ever that the mix of first and last names is confusing, I understand that your explanation, but I think you could kinda connect the names to the last names, maybe through Arias thoughts, she could maybe even think about the fact she had to think for a second because she never uses their first names, or nods at each of them in turn, etc.
“Come on Harry, we're not gonna bite, we have the aliens for that job," said Ms. Johnson, causing everyone except for Mr. Summers to burst into laughter.
I like this little joke, seems very parenty, but I feel it's unnatural for everyone to burst into laughter, I'd expect chuckeling, but bursting into laughter seems a bit extreme.
“Alright then, now that we've all wasted time on that, shall we actually get underway?” suggested Mr Summers, “I hate to have to say this but we don't have time to waste, we've all got places to be early next morning and it's already quite late.”

I like this message, but I feel it could be better said, something like "I hate to say it but we don't have time to waste, so why don't we just get underway?"
"Or, now that we have wasted that time, why don't we get underway?" Mr. Summers said, "I hate to say it, but we all have places to be tomorrow early, so let's stop with the greetings."
But that's all just my two cents! Hope it helpes
I liked these new sets of characters, and I'm excited to see what they are up to!
Thanks and keep writing,
Andrew




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



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Thu Sep 02, 2021 5:27 am
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!

Wow. This chapter was a great one proving my assumption wrong. I assumed the time to be about 2120 or something, I guess. However, the time appears to be around 2118. hm... So, we can expect a great deal of improvement in near about every spheres of life. Let's see what happens. The only thing I can do is to sit and hope that the aliens didn't curbed all the developments that took place in all these years.

I really like how you managed to provide us with a lot of important details without saying them directly and not showing them in a very big manner. Minute details matter. So, the school. The first question is what is being taught to them at the school? Who are the teachers? The Aliens or humans? If the Aliens are the teachers, there is a good chance of the children being exploited. Also, we haven't seen many children, in fact we haven't seen many adults too except these people. And if they are humans, do the Aliens monitor them continuously because the Aliens will not really want the humans to influence the next generation and have a mindset against them. But well, the humans have already influenced the generation, I think seeing from Harry's side. Also, when do they even go to school? I mean the children too are assigned works, hard works in fact. I wonder if there is a specific time for doing these works.

And now to the characters. It requires a great deal of effort to represent a tough situation in a humorous way. You succeeded in that. Great job. Er... Can you please tell me the full names of these characters once? I am confusing them a bit too much. Anyway, the people in here appears to be quite humorous and they are literally joking and talking in a light tone in such a tough situation. Quite interesting. Now, there is always a somber person everywhere like Mr. Summers. The name kind of sounds funny. I don't know why. What is the meaning of it though? ?I searched on Google. Google is not giving me a good description. One site is telling it means innocent or gentle. It can be a good irony then. Another site told me it just means summer. I am yet to discover what it actually means.

Anyway, a quite an intriguing part and the chapter ended at last. I am a bit too slow in this reviewing process, I am speed typing tho.

Keep Writing!

~Forever

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KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Hmm, ahh more questions...so the school is taught by humans...kind of in secret..the aliens know about it but they don't know its school....

Heh...xD...the names have to be that way unfortunately, because well its in the POV of these children who will think of these adults as Mr. A and Mr. B but when the adults talk to each other they use their first names...xD. Its an unfortunate consequence of having these main characters.

Uhh...but for reference,

Mr. Summers is Alexander "Alex" Summers
Mr. Haber is Jacob "Jake" Haber
Ms. Johnson is Evelyn "Eve" Johnson
Mrs. Kane is Allison "Alice" Kane

Hope that helps!

Thank youu again!!





Good. I should have thought about that that the aliens might not know what a school is. *Facepalm*
Anyway, interesting and thanks for clarifying the names. Wow, I have done the highest degree when it comes to forgetting names



KateHardy says...


:D No problem



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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello!

RandomTalks here with a review!

So we are at the meeting at last. You have built such anticipation for the meeting since the beginning of chapter 2 that I find it hard to believe that this is all there is to it. Sure, you have delivered it well enough, but I don't think that other shoe has dropped yet. There is a lot going on that we still don't know about.

This part gave us some much needed valuable information. The fact that the humans have been imprisoned by the aliens for hundred years came as a big surprise to me, I hadn't anticipated it to be so long. That means that all these people were born in the camps, Harry's mother, Mr. Summers and everyone else. That also means that they have never known freedom or independence or the world as we know it. I wonder what what they are fighting for, what picture of freedom they are clinging onto every time they risk their lives and come up with a new escape plan. It kind of makes you empathize with these people on a whole different level.

I liked how you included subtle information about the new characters without really making it obvious. Mr. Summers for example seems to be a quite reserved person who likes to get straight to the business. Ms. Johnson on the other hand seems like a much more jolly person. She is at ease with the children and the graveness of the meeting does not really hinder her personality.

As this part was mostly dialogue, Aria's character seemed to take more of a backseat. Now that they are finally at the meeting itself, the nerves and the foreboding atmosphere aren't as much a focus as they were in the previous parts. However, I feel like you should think about including a little more thoughts as this is a chapter end, and they are usually highlighted by the narrator's overview of the situation and their feelings. This is just a suggestion though.

No onto some minor details:

I suppose introductions would be a waste of time

I feel like the 'would' should be replaced with 'will' in this part. They are talking in dialogue that is happening for the in that moment, so I don't think 'would' really fits the context.

Mr. Summers had a disapproving glance on his face.

The word 'glance' does not match in the sentence. Glance means to look at someone or something quickly, Mr. Summers could not have a disapproving glance on his face, he could have a disapproving 'look' instead.

This is something I actually didn't get to tell you guys earlier, but one thing which makes this door a bit more important than the others we've had before is that after considering all the information we've got so far, we've all come to the conclusion that this is the start of a new phase of security for this place.

This sentence is too long and requires a break that it does not get. Maybe simplify it down a bit?

That's all.

Keep writing and have a great day!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

xD...I daresay there's a few more things discussed in this meeting that will become fairly important to the plot itself...:D



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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi HarryHardy,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

So with this part we have reached the end of chapter two. I had the impression that the meeting had been foreshadowed for a long time, and I thought it was very good how you presented it here as a conclusion. I was very pleased to learn more about the different characters, like Mr. Summers, or about the events, where it got a bit more specific. Since I like such lore very much, I am always very happy when I get such information as a reader.

It was a good ending for this chapter and liked how now after the 2.4. part where much was preserved in narration, now the direct speech is in the foreground and the dialogues do not suffer from it. Since I - precisely because the individual parts are somewhat smaller - usually evaluate them together, I also now see that there is more going on than just this meeting and the door. It seems as if you are giving away information, and yet you are withholding some that we as readers are not allowed to know. I have to be honest, I have a guilty conscience that something is going to happen.

One thing that struck me in this part was how Aria fell more into the background. At times I also had the impression that she was no longer the narrator here, which made the whole part feel a bit strange. The analytical remarks and descriptions were therefore not as frequent, which probably also made it harder to interpret the characters. At some points I thought Harry was in the foreground again. I would maybe just look at rewriting it a little bit so that there is no confusion.

Some other points that caught my eye:

Aria sat down next to Harry who was seated next to their mother. Mr. Haber also took his seat once everyone was seated.

Here you have inserted a little too much "seated". D It reads a bit too bumpy with this frequent repetition and I think you can write it more simply here.

“Hello, hello,” began Mr. Haber, “I see that you two have finally joined us at one of these meetings.

The quotation marks are missing here at the end.

“He's probably a bit shocked Ms. Johnson,” said Aria, speaking up, “we didn’t think that we’d be taken to a meeting anytime soon. Isn’t that right Harry?”

I'm not so sure if this is even a rule here, but I would add a comma after Aria says the name, like here with Ms. Johnson or Harry.


Have fun writing!

Mailice




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Hmm...I see your point about Aria's thoughts take a backseat, definitely things for me to think about for draft 3 :D

Also...wow...I do that repeated the same word a lot in close proximity error wayyy too many times. I need to work on that. :D

Thank youu again!! :D




"While we may come from different places and speak in different tongues, our hearts beat as one."
— Albus Dumbledore