Andrew here with a review!
Oooooh, so much lore... Overall, I liked this chapter, it gives us a lot more ideas to play with, and makes our child characters seem like... kids, which is often times mishandled in teen fiction, but you did it well.
I'd say my biggest overall critique, is sometimes the dialogue was clunky or wooden, but into specifics!
Mrs. Kane had already sat down. After a few nervous smiles all around with the other occupants of the table, Aria sat down next to Harry who was seated next to their mother.
Clunky
“Right, there was that,” said Mr. Haber, “Now then, that aside, shall we get underway? I suppose introductions would be a waste of time since I’m sure you already know Alex and Eve here."
I agree with ever that the mix of first and last names is confusing, I understand that your explanation, but I think you could kinda connect the names to the last names, maybe through Arias thoughts, she could maybe even think about the fact she had to think for a second because she never uses their first names, or nods at each of them in turn, etc.
I like this little joke, seems very parenty, but I feel it's unnatural for everyone to burst into laughter, I'd expect chuckeling, but bursting into laughter seems a bit extreme.“Come on Harry, we're not gonna bite, we have the aliens for that job," said Ms. Johnson, causing everyone except for Mr. Summers to burst into laughter.
“Alright then, now that we've all wasted time on that, shall we actually get underway?” suggested Mr Summers, “I hate to have to say this but we don't have time to waste, we've all got places to be early next morning and it's already quite late.”
I like this message, but I feel it could be better said, something like "I hate to say it but we don't have time to waste, so why don't we just get underway?"
"Or, now that we have wasted that time, why don't we get underway?" Mr. Summers said, "I hate to say it, but we all have places to be tomorrow early, so let's stop with the greetings."
But that's all just my two cents! Hope it helpes
I liked these new sets of characters, and I'm excited to see what they are up to!
Thanks and keep writing,
Andrew
Points: 34
Reviews: 178
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