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Survival: The Escape, Chapter 2.3

by KateHardy


Seconds later, they were running as fast as they could towards the hall, moving with barely any noise from years of practice. They only had five minutes to make it to the hall before it would be too late.

Harry pulled ahead of Aria and slid into the hall first, riding his socks like roller skates on the smooth concrete of the hall. Aria ran in a few seconds after him. Oh dear I hope we aren’t late. She breathed a sigh of relief as she spotted her mother, right next to the door leading to the central hub, gesturing for the two of them to hurry up.

Harry ran towards Mrs. Kane with all the enthusiasm of a five-year-old running into a candy store. Aria followed at a more sedate pace, heart beating wildly and smiling broadly. As much as she wasn’t the biggest fan of the meetings, sneaking around at night was always fun.

“Okay you two, stay behind me and do exactly as I say. Do not move a muscle unless I tell you to," said Mrs. Kane.

Aria and Harry nodded. Mrs. Kane started down the darkened corridor. It was a rather eerie sight at this hour when lights out had already been called. The usually drab looking passageways shone with a new sense of mystery when shrouded in shadow. Tiny lights along the floor only illuminated the lower half of the metallic grey walls.

Mrs. Kane stuck very close to the wall as she moved, her strides large although her pace was slow. Aria and Harry copied her as well as they could. Harry was doing almost a full split with each step as he matched Mrs. Kane’s strides. Aria did her best to emulate the two of them as far as she could.

The three of them slipped along the wall for at least twenty feet before Mrs. Kane raised her hand and signaled for them to stop. Aria and Harry watched with bated breath as Mrs. Kane pointed at a door set into the wall.

Aria saw Harry cover his mouth, eyes wide and she couldn't help but do the same. That door wasn't supposed to be there. Or at least, in all her years of passing through this hallway, she'd never seen it before. Mrs. Kane showed them the way to approach the door, stepping in two specific spots that she indicated to them before the door slid open smoothly. She stepped through in one fluid motion.

Harry went first. He skipped through the stones quickly. The door opened immediately and he just about managed to slip in before it closed. Aria took a deep breath. She had a feeling she was going to be far less graceful than both of them.

Aria jumped forward, moving as quietly as she could. Counting the tiles carefully, she stepped in the pattern that Harry had used moments ago and quickly found herself right in front of the door.  Up close she could make out that it was somewhere between the dilapidated doors in the living areas and the high tech doors in working areas. This was clearly something that had been salvaged at some point from a working area and kept in fairly decent condition since then. Before she could analyze it further it slid open quickly and she jumped in to join Harry and her mother. 

Her landing was far from graceful, almost falling flat on her face if it wasn't for her mother catching her. Aria thanked her and straightened up, taking a look around.

The first thing she noticed was the temperature. It was a stark contrast to their living area. It was still cold, but this was a pleasant chill, not the numbing frost that usually permeated the hallways. A smile spread over her lips. Maybe this will not be so bad after all. At least I won’t be freezing to death.


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Mon Sep 06, 2021 3:14 pm
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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Andrew here with a review! A chapter with some actual danger and tension, so that's fun. Aria is likable, Harry is immature but charming for it, and I'm glad to see some actual family dynamics, parents seem to be nonexistent in most teen fiction, so I'm glad to see it here. Overall, my biggest critique is that I have no idea what the stakes are, so I have no idea how much actual danger our characters are in, so it's hard to feel the tension. This chapter could have made my palms sweaty and made me really understand how important it is that they escape if I was given some context.
Why don't these super future aliens have security cameras? Why be quiet? Whos listening? What happens if you get caught? Has someone gotten caught before? If they're not supposed to be in the hallways at night, why don't the aliens just lock and close some doors? Are there human guards working for the aliens?
But into specifics!

Seconds later, they were running as fast as they could towards the hall, moving with barely any noise from years of practice.

A bit clunky, and once again, means nothing to me. I could be impressed with the characters for their stealth, but I just don't know why they need to be so quiet. I would also like some more descriptions about what they actually do physically to pull this off.
Also, if this is supposed to be high stakes, it sometimes just comes of as silly, a bunch of kids messing around at night, or cartoonish stealth, sentences like this:
Harry pulled ahead of Aria and slid into the hall first, riding his socks like roller skates on the smooth concrete of the hall.
Harry ran towards Mrs. Kane with all the enthusiasm of a five-year-old running into a candy store.
Harry was doing almost a full split with each step as he matched Mrs. Kane’s strides.

If you want us to feel the importance and secrecy of this meeting, I'd suggest cutting these.
Aria saw Harry cover his mouth, eyes wide and she couldn't help but do the same.

Clunky
Mrs. Kane showed them the way to approach the door, stepping in two specific spots that she indicated to them before the door slid open smoothly.

Once again some more descriptions would make this more meaningful. Two spots? Like tiles? What's the floor made off?
He skipped through the stones quickly

Stones?
Counting the tiles carefully, she stepped in the pattern that Harry had used moments ago and quickly found herself right in front of the door.

Okay now there are tiles, but I'm still confused about the setting, it would be nice to get this description earlier, and are the tiles in all the halls? What are they made of? Why only two specific ones? Booby traps or something?
But that's all just my two cents!
Once again, this is an interesting exploration of the classic prison break/revolution genre. But with some more context for the stakes I think it could be all the better.
Hope I helped!
Thanks, and keep writing,
Andrew




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!!

Hmm...to respond to a few of those...

Umm...the lack of tension is...well, I guess unavoidable, I didn't want to waste too much time describing what could happen this early especially, it'll come into play a bit later but for the most part I let my descriptions of the living conditions and things like the laser system on the walls lead reades to kind of imagine what kind of things could happen. I feel like mentioning that would come off as exposition that I can't really fit anywhere...I mean I can't work it into any of their POV"s they wouldn't randomly just discuss the consequences of getting caught...so yeah I left it this way.

The childish references...I guess that's just my writing style. Humor refuses to be let out this besides this is still not really a high stakes part, until chapter 3 is basically meant to function as an introduction to the story...so I don't quite lean into it, it will contrast with later scenes like this where everyone's a lot less joky, the descriptions are much more serious and whatnot...

Whoops wow I said a lot...xD...hopefully not too much..lol..if you've got any suggestions on how I can work these things in naturally, please lemme know :D

Umm...so that barrage of other questions...you'll get to see the consequences of being caught really soon, like maybe chapter 5, but not yet.

As for cameras...I think Forever and Random both asked the same question, scroll around a bit and you''ll see my explanation...xD. Its gotta be there on one of these chapters. Uhh...as for the doors, well, humans work 24/7, some areas of this camp function at all times, so all doors are open at all times. There aren't even locks for the living quarters actually. So umm...they can be out at night, but in certain areas....this stuff is cleared up a bit more as we go along.

Uhh...the tiles are all part of secret mechanisms built by the humans, again I don't specify because it makes no sense for them to suddenly mention it...so...yeah, left to the reader's imagination unfortunately. Again lemme know if you suggestions for including those more naturally.

Phew, this is getting long, but I love that you're asking these questions, these are genuinely going to be suuuuper helpful when I write the final draft of this story so thankk youuu, keep asking those tough questions :D...ANd lemme know if you want anything clarified from up here. :D



MaybeAndrew says...


Awwww, chill this definitely helped! Sometimes I can forget I'm still just at the beginning of something when I read it in chunks so slowly XD.
I totally get the not wanting to be too expositioney - but I would say that you can still work it in in natural ways, earlier on, besides dialogue. Thoughts, description, and well-done narration.
But I totally get wanting to be light on that type of thing early in the story and wanting to keep us wondering.



MaybeAndrew says...


Also, found you answer to the camera question, a great answer, but I as an audience member wouldn't know that, and so would still be confused about it, XD. So, it will be nice to hear that in the story soon, so I can read the story and not get distracted by all my confusing questions.



KateHardy says...


Hmm, I'll try and see if I can inject more in draft 3. Hmm, I think I tried to work in something to do with cameras in chap 3 and then in later chapters...but probably not that specific story...but uh, yeah I'll note that down for draft 3 as well...xD



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Mon Aug 30, 2021 4:52 pm
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!

Again we are gonna have five parts in this chapter. *Facepalms* Let's review not thinking of that for the time being and let me try your review policy though that will not be in a very good way.

Seconds later, they were running as fast as they could towards the hall, moving with barely any noise from years of practice. They only had five minutes to make it to the hall before it would be too late.

From where did they get "years of practice"? They are going for the first time to this super secret meeting, I suppose. So, why did they do this practice? There's no law I hope regarding the fact that they will not able to make any noise while walking or running or do they have it? And definitely Aria is responsible for this, Harry is not to be blamed.
Harry pulled ahead of Aria and slid into the hall first, riding his socks like roller skates on the smooth concrete of the hall. Aria ran in a few seconds after him. Oh dear I hope we aren’t late. She breathed a sigh of relief as she spotted her mother, right next to the door leading to the central hub, gesturing for the two of them to hurry up.

So they managed to reach the place within time. *Sigh of relief* I don't know if riding his socks like roller skates is the right expression. I wonder if that can actually be done and morever, if that can be done, won't it get late for Harry? I think if one runs, they will reach sooner.
Harry ran towards Mrs. Kane with all the enthusiasm of a five-year-old running into a candy store. Aria followed at a more sedate pace, heart beating wildly and smiling broadly. As much as she wasn’t the biggest fan of the meetings, sneaking around at night was always fun.

Hm... Aria is mischeivous. I mean she was mischievous ago, maybe but now, her mischeif has decreased for some reason because in the previous chapters, we saw her as not-so-mischeivous human being. Now, there should be a reason behind it. Hm... *Wonders* Perhaps some past incident which took place. Something related to their father? I am quite interested knowing about him. And also, maybe the incident affected Harry too but in a positive way and he became a humorous human beings. Who knows.
“Okay you two, stay behind me and do exactly as I say. Do not move a muscle unless I tell you to," said Mrs. Kane.

Aria and Harry nodded. Mrs. Kane started down the darkened corridor. It was a rather eerie sight at this hour when lights out had already been called. The usually drab looking passageways shone with a new sense of mystery when shrouded in shadow. Tiny lights along the floor only illuminated the lower half of the metallic grey walls.

A great description. Something is gonna happen, I am quite interested about the word "new". New sense of mystery is Definitely a thing here and what if an Alien suddenly appears in front of them? Yes, I would like to know about the powers of the Aliens. In the previous chapters, we actually knew about the powers of technology Aliens had probably stolen from human kind and are using it against them. However, what can an Alien do alone? Can they fight a human? If no, humans take over!
Mrs. Kane stuck very close to the wall as she moved, her strides large although her pace was slow. Aria and Harry copied her as well as they could. Harry was doing almost a full split with each step as he matched Mrs. Kane’s strides. Aria did her best to emulate the two of them as far as she could.

The three of them slipped along the wall for at least twenty feet before Mrs. Kane raised her hand and signaled for them to stop. Aria and Harry watched with bated breath as Mrs. Kane pointed at a door set into the wall.

I have a doubt here. In the previous chapters or rather parts, I thought the meeting was scheduled at midnight and that was the time told to them but apparently not. It feels like they reached the hall at the time and then they walked for sometime and finally reached the place. I would like if you had mentioned a time for the actual meeting. Harry seems to be an adventurous individual. Bated breath. Something is wrong. I really like how you are creating the sense of mystery here.
Aria saw Harry cover his mouth, eyes wide and she couldn't help but do the same. That door wasn't supposed to be there. Or at least, in all her years of passing through this hallway, she'd never seen it before. Mrs. Kane showed them the way to approach the door, stepping in two specific spots that she indicated to them before the door slid open smoothly. She stepped through in one fluid motion.

Secret door. How did the humans create it and how does the door appear? Mystery, mystery... I am afraid that you are planning to make us forget the small details and after some time you will shock us with something obvious(that is what happens all the time in all stories and I start facepalming) *Take note*
Anyway, seems like the door only appears at specific times when the humans want it to or maybe it is maybe made up of something which acts as a camouflage during daylight. The description was a bit childish, I think. I mean the description of them being shocked. Modify it a bit.
Harry went first. He skipped through the stones quickly. The door opened immediately and he just about managed to slip in before it closed. Aria took a deep breath. She had a feeling she was going to be far less graceful than both of them.

Aria jumped forward, moving as quietly as she could. Counting the tiles carefully, she stepped in the pattern that Harry had used moments ago and quickly found herself right in front of the door. Up close she could make out that it was somewhere between the dilapidated doors in the living areas and the high tech doors in working areas. This was clearly something that had been salvaged at some point from a working area and kept in fairly decent condition since then. Before she could analyze it further it slid open quickly and she jumped in to join Harry and her mother.

Adventurous spirit confirmed and hm... HumansReignSupreme lol. I wonder how the humans managed to steal or rather rescue it from the Aliens. Seems like the Aliens are very weak at their base, no matter, how strong they appear outside. Stealing a whole damn door in front of them was a pretty hard task but a lot easier when the security is weak.
Her landing was far from graceful, almost falling flat on her face if it wasn't for her mother catching her. Aria thanked her and straightened up, taking a look around.

The first thing she noticed was the temperature. It was a stark contrast to their living area. It was still cold, but this was a pleasant chill, not the numbing frost that usually permeated the hallways. A smile spread over her lips. Maybe this will not be so bad after all. At least I won’t be freezing to death.

If anyone faces the most problem in the adventure the most problem in the adventure they are gonna do, that will be Aria. I don't think the paragraphs are connected in a very good manner. You ended the previous para by saying that she looked around but you began the last para by jumping into some ither sense than sight. I think you can work a bit on this. Anyway, temperature. Was the temperature where they lived very low? If yes, that isn't really cool. Seems like the Aliens are habituated living in low temperature. She seems to be optimistic about the meeting. Let's see what happens next.

Overall, a lot of mysteries and another great part.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Hmm...the timing...actually their mother told them to show up at midnight near the door, but yeah...the meeting itself happens a bit later...I mean technically the meeting won't start without them...there was a couple of other reasons behind that time. :D

Also hmm...I won't say exactly when, but we definitely get to see a close up of the aliens at some point.... ;)



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Fri Aug 27, 2021 2:17 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello!

RandomTalks here with a review!

I like how you keep on building the plot with each of these parts, carefully extending the scenes until they reach their final conclusion at the end of the chapter. This part was mostly about their journey to the meeting, and you managed to bring life into something as simple as that. All the secrecy, the sneaking around and the nerves were pretty exciting to read, and I liked how this simple journey highlighted certain points about the characters. Harry with his child-like excitement at joining the very first meeting of his life and Aria with her nonchalance about the whole ordeal. Yet even she cannot help but enjoy the sneaking around after dark and going against the rules. Both the siblings have this thrill for adventure in common.

This part was actually very well written. You don't sway from the very carefully maintained flow, and the fast pace of the story very aptly describes this midnight adventure of theirs. Finally they are at the much awaited meeting. I think what transpires in the meeting is going to give us a better idea of what is going on, and it is going to shape the coming chapters. I wonder what is going to happen, but I am excited to find out.

I did not notice any grammatical error in this part, but I do have one suggestion:

Mrs. Kane started down the darkened corridor.


I think the word 'darkened' does not really serve it's purpose here, you can just use the term 'dark corridor'. It fits, it makes sense, and it sounds better. It's just an opinion though!

That's all.

Keep up the good work and have a great day!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi HarryHardy,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

The usual sequel, usual cliffhanger, everything is kind of what you'd expect. I like that. I really liked the old formula to tie in with that. I also liked not drawing out the beginning so extremely for midnight to create some tension, but picking up right there and balancing it out with a fun little race.

Where I still wonder whether you wanted to add tension or not was the moment when the trio set off for the door. For me, it didn't give the impression of being a nerve-wracking scene, but more of a description of a commonality and a closer look at the characters and how they act. But if it is the case that you want to make this moment a bit more suspenseful, I think you have to try to change your structure a bit in order to create this effect better.

One thing I've noticed before is your insertion of certain words, where it's definitely recommended to read back over it after writing, and see where you can still remove a word, or if you can rewrite it. Here, for example, it was often the "the hall" at the beginning. I think it puts off newer readers when they read a few paragraphs and are immediately assaulted with so much hall. :D I think it helps to work a bit with synonyms and pronouns.

Otherwise, it was a great chapter as usual with the constant urge to know more when you reach the end. Really; it's like walking down a long hallway and getting to the door, only to move on for a few feet to find yourself standing in front of a door again. :D

Two things that struck me:

They only had five minutes to make it to the hall before it would be too late.

Since the previous sentence already says "the hall", you can also use "it" here to avoid repetition.

Harry pulled ahead of Aria and slid into the hall first, riding his socks like roller skates on the smooth concrete of the hall.

Here's a bit of the same problem, as you use the word in both halves of the sentence. Actually, I just wanted to write that it's a cool description.


Have fun writing!

Mailice




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!




herb did your phone get the stomach bug too
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