Andrew here with a review! A chapter with some actual danger and tension, so that's fun. Aria is likable, Harry is immature but charming for it, and I'm glad to see some actual family dynamics, parents seem to be nonexistent in most teen fiction, so I'm glad to see it here. Overall, my biggest critique is that I have no idea what the stakes are, so I have no idea how much actual danger our characters are in, so it's hard to feel the tension. This chapter could have made my palms sweaty and made me really understand how important it is that they escape if I was given some context.
Why don't these super future aliens have security cameras? Why be quiet? Whos listening? What happens if you get caught? Has someone gotten caught before? If they're not supposed to be in the hallways at night, why don't the aliens just lock and close some doors? Are there human guards working for the aliens?
But into specifics!
Seconds later, they were running as fast as they could towards the hall, moving with barely any noise from years of practice.
A bit clunky, and once again, means nothing to me. I could be impressed with the characters for their stealth, but I just don't know why they need to be so quiet. I would also like some more descriptions about what they actually do physically to pull this off.
Also, if this is supposed to be high stakes, it sometimes just comes of as silly, a bunch of kids messing around at night, or cartoonish stealth, sentences like this:
Harry pulled ahead of Aria and slid into the hall first, riding his socks like roller skates on the smooth concrete of the hall.
Harry ran towards Mrs. Kane with all the enthusiasm of a five-year-old running into a candy store.
Harry was doing almost a full split with each step as he matched Mrs. Kane’s strides.
If you want us to feel the importance and secrecy of this meeting, I'd suggest cutting these.
Aria saw Harry cover his mouth, eyes wide and she couldn't help but do the same.
Clunky
Mrs. Kane showed them the way to approach the door, stepping in two specific spots that she indicated to them before the door slid open smoothly.
Once again some more descriptions would make this more meaningful. Two spots? Like tiles? What's the floor made off?
He skipped through the stones quickly
Stones?
Counting the tiles carefully, she stepped in the pattern that Harry had used moments ago and quickly found herself right in front of the door.
Okay now there are tiles, but I'm still confused about the setting, it would be nice to get this description earlier, and are the tiles in all the halls? What are they made of? Why only two specific ones? Booby traps or something?
But that's all just my two cents!
Once again, this is an interesting exploration of the classic prison break/revolution genre. But with some more context for the stakes I think it could be all the better.
Hope I helped!
Thanks, and keep writing,
Andrew
Points: 34
Reviews: 178
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