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Young Writers Society


12+

Survival: The Escape, Chapter 22.3

by KateHardy


Also lucky for them, it looked like the aliens either didn’t need a lot of people to operate the transports or just had less of them in the warehouse at this point considering it was the middle of the night and not an hour that a lot of people would be working at. It looked like they could probably make it towards the transports parked on the left without too much of an issue considering no one seemed to be headed behind said transports. 

At any rate, they would have to make sure to keep an eye on all of the transports at once so that they could jump into the first one that began to leave. Without a way to see into this warehouse the team with the drone had been unable to figure out a foolproof way to judge which transport was likely to leave first. Just keeping every single one in sight and hoping to make it on board in time was the only advice they'd been given.

Aria gestured towards the left side and slowly began to move across the side of the transport. The others followed her one by one. Once she came to the gap between this transport and the other one, she paused; scanning around to check and then double check that nobody was looking in her direction. And then with a deep breath, she ran to the next transport, ducking behind it as quickly as she could. She then took a few steps backward to make sure everyone else had room to join her. As much as she desperately wanted to keep an eye out to make sure everyone made it here safely, she couldn’t do that without obstructing their way.

Aria watched with bated breath for what felt like the tenth time that day as one by one, the four of them crossed yet another dangerous open area that could have gotten them all killed. She hoped this was going to be one of the last for that day. The waiting was going to give her a heart attack at some point. 

Once everyone was safely behind this row of transports, Aria gestured for the last to cross, Ryan to keep an eye on that side to ensure none of the aliens would accidentally happen upon them. She began moving towards the metal platform. Under it seemed to be the safest spot in the warehouse. The only way for them to be spotted would be for someone to come around to the back of the transports and in that case they could at least try to hide by jumping inside one.

Aria leaned against the wall and let herself calm down a bit so that she could take stock of the situation. The worst part about having to make up this part of the plan as they went along was that there was no way to really discuss anything, not without alerting the aliens just a few feet away from them. 

Aria gestured towards the transport in front of them. Perhaps if they all stood inside it, they would be a little safer in its dark confines, and if they found the correct window, they could maybe figure out a way to keep an eye on all the transports at once. That way they could immediately move towards the one that was starting to leave.

The others seemed to understand what she was indicating because one by one they quickly climbed inside the transport as fast as they could without making any noise. She took a moment to look at the inside of it. It wasn’t anything special, just a big metal box. Probably to prevent noise from the packages inside, the entire thing did thankfully seem to have some sort of padding. There were a couple of currently deactivated lights in the ceiling and the walls but other than that, all that was inside were a few metal crates that looked empty at first glance. Aria assumed this was the cargo hold and wherever the driver sat was probably accessible from another door.


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Fri Dec 10, 2021 8:59 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Harry!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a solid continuation of the story in the sense that it moves the plot along as usual, bringing them one step closer to their escape and at the same time bringing us one step closer to the end. However, at this juncture it feels like that has become the only purpose of the story right now - to move the plot along to its eventual end. We have actually come to a point where the excitement is mostly over, so I am not asking you to bring in those elements of the story. However, even in the first few chapters of the story, when things were a little slow and there were no big revelations at the end of every chapter, there was still that individualistic tone to every chapter. I wont say that its completely missing now, but the way you are progressing with the narration, you are not making us very invested in the story. You are telling us what is going on, but you are not making us feel all that much. Its been the same for the last few parts, its lacking a little freshness? Does that even make sense?

I felt that the second part had a more personal touch. We get to hear Aria's concerns and worries and even yhough they don't hold us like they used to, it still brings in that characteristic element to the story. Maybe if you play around with her thoughts a bit, include her observations of the other characters or even her feelings regarding the mission, it could introduce new dynamics to the story which would be quite welcome at this point. Maybe mention her exhaustion or her relief at overcoming the most difficult parts of the mission?

I feel like I have been offering the same criticisms for a while now, so I apologize if I sound a bit repetitive. Well, now we are steadily moving towards the end. I think we still have two chapters left, so I am pretty excited to see what you have in mind for that!

Keep writing and have a great day!

Until next time!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!! :D

Yeah this chapter has a lot of the same problem. I think maybe the final part might be slightly better and hopefully the final one, but yeah, this has been a bit flat. :D



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Thu Dec 09, 2021 1:23 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Harry,

Mailice back again with a short review! :D

The fact that there are no dialogues to be found far and wide gives me more and more the feeling of watching a kind of film noir, where everything happens in black and white and you only hear dubious music in the background. :D

On the one hand, I welcome this kind of storytelling, especially because we are now moving towards the end of the book, but I also had the feeling that a lot of what could have been added is lost.

As I mentioned before, I think it's good the way it is right now, but again there's a distance between the characters and the readers, like you're flying kites and between the reader and the story there's only the string that expands or contracts depending on the chapter. I would try to bring something like a golden mean there. I think, especially in this chapter, it would be useful if we saw more of Aria and her thoughts. Maybe even a whole part where she's just in her thoughts and you get to know what she's been doing. That would make the descriptions obsolete, and still give a different kind of tension because we get insight into her head.

That's not to say here that this part was bad, but that it seems very repetitive, that we haven't seen much for three parts now, except for a way they go on.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Hmm, the situation does make it impossible for there to be dialogue because they have to be quiet at all times...but hmm, I think at least towards the ends the thoughts come into play a little more.




History repeats itself. First as tragedy, second as farce.
— Karl Marx