Hi Harry,
Mailice back with a short review!
I'm going to keep this short and sweet because it feels like we're still in the first part. I like the sequel and how the story unfolds here. You don't directly notice how exactly the protagonists are feeling individually, but from the information we have, we notice a kind of "collective feeling summary" that helps to make it more recognisable.
This is something I've already noticed in the last few chapters; that the characters here are too focused on moving the plot forward than now looking to get a dose of sleep or just comment for once. By this I mean that no one has really grumbled yet and that they are all up for moving on, despite all the incidents. You notice that they are just trimmed to do, but not to question anything.
Other points I noticed:
Aria held up her hand, showing all five fingers. She counted down, one by one, hoping that everyone was in a spot where they could see the count.
Wouldn't it be better to rephrase that a little so that it sounds like Aria is looking to see if everyone can see her fingers first, rather than the other way around?
A wave of cold rushed through her as adrenaline pumped through her for what was probably the hundredth time that night.
I almost forgot that this is all happening in just a few hours.
A few excruciating seconds later, Aria was out of the forest, and onto the metallic concrete floor of the compound. Ryan was already at the door, holding it open as Daisy and Harry ran through. Aria was next to the door, and she took over from Ryan, holding it open for him and Kate before she quickly slid inside herself. She let the door drift to its closed position on its own. The hinges appeared to be in top shape and it made almost no noise.
I noticed that this section stands out a bit from the rest, because I think that here, where the tension for this part should be highest, is lost in the descriptions and the text. I think the repetition of some structures only makes sense if they serve to help the reader internalise something here. Here, however, I find that it only helps to show the matter like a little side info. For example, I would simply paraphrase: "Aria was next to the door. She helped Ryan off and held it open. Only after Ryan and Kate had squeezed through did Aria follow suit.” This would lift the sound of the section considerably. (But it´s just an example. )
Have fun writing!
Mailice
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