z

Young Writers Society


12+

Survival: The Escape, Chapter 17.4

by KateHardy


He nodded towards Daisy and pointed towards Aria. Daisy nodded back and increased her speed, catching up to Aria.

Daisy whispered something to Aria. There was a sudden crack ahead of them. Harry didn’t think twice. He charged forward, sliding between Ryan, Daisy and Aria. He pointed his gun at the darkness in front of him and squeezed the trigger.

The recoilless automatic laser rifle discharged with a happy whizz of electricity. Bright red beams of energy blasted forward, the century old weapon still having plenty of fight in it. Harry heard several shrieks from down the the corridor.

“Let’s get the hell out of here as soon as we can,” he said, gesturing forward.

“Didn’t I tell you not to do anything stupid?” yelled back Daisy, running towards him and sliding to a stop.

“Yell at him later, Daisy.” It was Aria. She charged forward. Ryan fired a volley from his weapon as he joined the charge, Kate not too far behind.

Whatever Harry’s shots had done; it had either scared the guards away or injured them badly enough to stop them from being able to fire. They ran through the next doorway, which turned out to be empty and then right to the next door.

There were the sounds of claws scraping and wood being ripped apart started to flood in from ahead of them but as they ran forwards, it seemed to get softer and softer as if the guards were retreating, not even giving thought to the fact that the humans would be able to hear them. That was both good and bad news. On one hand, they would be no immediate threat anymore from the guards, but now it meant they would certainly be back with reinforcements.Their escape was only going to get harder.

Soon they were coming to a halt near the main door that they had come entered this maze of rooms through. Harry let out a small sigh of relief. Checking his gun, he inspected the dial. The charge was at forty percent. Quite a few more shots before he would have to reload.

“Well, that was way too close,” he said.

“Yeah, no kidding,” said Kate, “that was the craziest thing I’ve ever done.”

“Well, it's only going to get worse,” said Aria, rather flatly “no point sugarcoating this. I can guarantee they're going to come at us hard and our chances of getting out this place just dropped dramatically.”

“But we still have a very good chance as long as we can get through that door,” said Harry, “it’s going to be much harder for them to mobilize a force once we’re out in the forest.”

“It’s going to be much harder for us to survive once we’re in that forest,” said Ryan,"but yes you have a valid point there."

“Well it should be a whole lot easier now that we ran into these,” said Harry, pointing to his gun, “funny how we ended up in like the best location we possibly could have down here. I was imaging some kind of secret lab or something.”

“Well, we can thank our lucky stars later. I would say the faster we get out of here, the higher our chances of dodging the extra guards,” said Aria, “so let’s get going already.”

“We’re just going to march in?” asked Kate, “sounds a little dangerous.”

“Well, Kate, here’s the thing,” said Aria, “if we were caught escaping there’s a chance they might have only imprisoned us, especially because of our ages. At the moment however, we have to realize the gravity of what we just did. We killed several guards. It’s now going to be kill on sight for them. So, as much as I don’t know if this will work, we’re going to die whether we hide or not. So I say, we give it our best shot and die trying rather than hiding.”

“That’s…that’s a lot,” said Kate, looking a little overwhelmed at Aria's momentary outburst.

“Let’s not think about that too much,” said Harry, “I know the chances sounds terrible but we still have a chance. Remember we’re not alone. There are people out there looking at what’s going on and you can bet that they will be doing some sneaky moves of their own. They might already have cooked up something to help us. We just have to do our best.”

“Yeah, don’t get disheartened,” said Aria, dialling back on her tone a litte, “I’m not saying we’re doomed, I just want to make sure you guys understand just how serious this is.”

“Consider me informed on that,” said Kate.

“Shall we then?” said Ryan.

“Follow me,” said Aria, "Be careful on those broken crates. Wooden splinters are the stuff of nightmares."


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1232 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 1232

Donate
Sat Nov 13, 2021 9:45 am
View Likes
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Harry,

Mailice again here with a short review! :D

This part had some teething problems on the part of the structure, but took that back with the second half when the dialogue moved the story forward.

I think that's the only criticism I have for this part (apart from maybe the slightly more frequent use of "to say" :D) but I think the dialogue is all the better for moving this concern forward and also taking the excitement to a new level. For the first time in this chapter I can understand what is really happening and how I am supposed to feel as a reader. I like how the pace picked up a bit briefly, but you were still there to do it in an indirect method through the dialogue.

Apart from the beginning, where I will talk more about it in the next point, I found the part progressing at a good level.

Some points I noticed while reading:

He nodded towards Daisy and pointed towards Aria.

I find the start here a bit bumpy, with the repetition of the two "towards". I think that can be rewritten a bit. :D

Daisy nodded back and increased her speed, catching up to Aria.
Daisy whispered something to Aria. There was a sudden crack ahead of them. Harry didn’t think twice. He charged forward, sliding between Ryan, Daisy and Aria.

This whole part is a little less good than the rest of the story. You do try to build up some kind of tension with the way the sentences are constructed, but I think it's more like a car hitting a wall over and over again. It's too choppy and I think if you want to try to go a bit more in the direction of building tension with the short sentences, you can do it in a different, more fluid way.
I think in these situations it's important that you write more than actually goes into the text and then combine them and make them shorter. You've already proven it well in the previous parts, so it stands out a bit more here because it stands out so much.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!! :D



User avatar
659 Reviews


Points: 82352
Reviews: 659

Donate
Fri Nov 12, 2021 9:33 am
View Likes
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Harry!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I really enjoyed reading this part. It was full of chaotic energy and I really liked Aria's little 'momentary outburst'. It was extremely realistic coming from her and I could almost imagine the pitch of her voice as she lectured Kate on the consequences of their escape. They have been at this for a long time, and all of this is enough to frustrate any sane human being, even us who just want them to escape. They are at a point now when they just want to make a difference before they are eventually killed by the aliens and I am sure you did not mean it like that but it was a little funny listening to their banter in the middle of all that is going on.

Right now, I kind of agree with Aria. The only option they have right now is to take their chances. While that is definitely a very risky gamble it is at the same time better than simply sitting there and waiting for more guards to arrive with reinforcements. They are screwed now, no matter what they decide. So I guess, its better what Aria said, they should die trying rather than hiding.

It is true that they are the luckiest people on Earth for running into the weapons room at a time like this. The guns they carry are probably the biggest threat for the aliens, considering that Harry just opened a hail of fire into the dark, and managed to scare the hell out of the aliens. I don't think they ever expected the humans to strike back to this extent. At least if they are going down, they are going with a fight. Their mother would be proud.

I did not actually think about how they are going to survive in the forest when they do escape. It is a totally new territory for them, and I doubt they have ever seen a tree considering how in awe they were when they had first seen the footage from the security camera. I don't think they have the resources or the knowledge needed to survive in there so it will be interesting to see how they manage that. We still have a lot of adventures ahead of us.

A tiny nitpick:

On one hand, they would be no immediate threat anymore from the guards,

The 'they' will be 'there'.

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!

Until next time!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



User avatar
701 Reviews


Points: 49988
Reviews: 701

Donate
Thu Nov 11, 2021 5:02 pm
View Likes
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!!

Comparatively, this was a funnier part than the other ones. Harry definitely got some great power getting the guns that he fired 60 shots at once(I am not very sure if the charge was full but I assume it was). I will not complain much, the darkness seems to be a bit inconsistent in this chapter. I always get confused with the magnitude of the darkness.

Well. They could actually have escaped without firing the aliens. Have some pity for them Harry seems to have developed a sudden urge to fire at the aliens. Sometines his adrenaline functions a bit too much at perfect situations. Anyway, the good thing is they at least do have a free way there. I do hope the aliens are not sneaking around in that way. Why don't the humans have some torch to help them out? They should havs at least got that.

I have stopped thinking about their escape. I simply don't know why. Well I do think that hidibg can be a far more better option. They completely think the opposite. Guess I am becoming pessimistic. The sudden outburst of Aria was not a characteristic outburst but we haven't really seen Aria in an angry situation before. So, we get a new characteristic of her. I do understand how frustrated the characters are at the moment. Like they are not getting much time to give their conscious mind to think but I guess their subconscious mind is definitely thinking about all the failures.

I am in the very same hope as Harry's. Only if they had got a mobile phone for conversing. That was required ah. The other side must be doing something. They, after all had a plan to control the situation after the group had escaped. Maybe they can actually implement some of the elements of that plan at the moment. Let's actually see where this goes. I am kinda hopeful that wherever they are going is going to open a door to get directly into the human settlement.
The characters have enough nerves to keep themselves okay in this situation.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!! :D




Oh no, I’m sorry, you’re under the impression that here on YWS we *help* writers instead of just feeding their gremlin tendencies.
— winterwolf0100