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Young Writers Society


18+ Violence

Survival: The Escape, Chapter 16.5

by KateHardy


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

The place was now lit up by the reflection of the Carpathians’ lights. Shielding her eyes until they adjusted back to being in light, Daisy turned to run. Before any of them could go anywhere however, a door flew right over their heads, landing right across their only exit.

They immediately dived for the crates as the Carpathians opened fire on them. Miniature explosions lit up the area as the guards held nothing back in shooting up the place.

Daisy ducked around her crate just as it was blown to smithereens by a hail of bullets, staying on the run from crate to crate. The lights got even brighter one of the guards pointed the light in the direction of the room. Things were starting to go from bad to worse.

Daisy heard a yell that sounded like Aria and then the sound of metal clanging against metal. She risked a quick peek above the crate she was currently hiding under. Aria had thrown the wrench with deadly accuracy, somehow managing to knock the gun out of the Carpathian’s hands and send said gun, sharp point and all, right through its chest.

Daisy grimaced as bright green blood began to spill out from the wound. She couldn’t even begin to process how she felt. On one hand, it was an alien, on the other hand, that was also someone that had a family and was just doing their job.

The attack however, seemed to have bought them some time as the aliens seemed just as shocked as they all were at one of their comrades falling to the ground dead.

Aria herself was standing there, frozen in shock at what she had just done. She had clearly not meant to deliver a fatal blow. Something had to give and it did in the form of Ryan flinging a crate at one of the shocked Carpathians, knocking him to the ground.

Daisy snapped out of her daze and ran towards the exit. They had to take advantage of the confusion. The aliens, however, had other ideas. The four that were not either dead or unconscious reloaded their weapons and fired, tearing up the very walls of the room they were in, and effectively blocking off their only exit.

“Run for the other side,” shouted Harry from somewhere among the crates, “trust me!”

“Are you crazy,” yelled Aria, running towards the sound of his voice. Daisy however, ran for the other door, right at the aliens. She threw her own weapon, aiming for the foot of one of the aliens. The large steel bar twisted through the air, going way of course, the weight completely throwing her off. It somehow managed to embed itself in the arm of the alien next to her target, causing it jerk its hand reflexively accidentally dropping the light that it was carrying.

The device crashed to the floor and the light went out, plunging them all into darkness. The firing ceased.

“Good shot Daisy,” came a voice from somewhere near the entrance. It was Harry. A hail of bullets immediately went in that direction. There were several fleshy noises and Daisy’s heart sank. It couldn’t be. The unearthly shriek that followed however confirmed that it had in fact been a Carpathian that had just gotten shot.

She continued to run in that direction, pushing aside debris of crates torn apart by the gunfire.


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Sun Nov 07, 2021 4:58 pm
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!!

Well. This part kind of sounded like a plot twist here. First of all, I thought a human being was going to fie but seems like just the opposite happened. Wow, that was unpredictable. Also a lot of revealations took place in this part.

Well. So the aliens don't appear to be as invincible as it was thought before. Honestly, I didn't expect the guns to have any effect on them(I wonder why) but seems like a simple gun is enough to knock them out of the war. If I am not wrong, it was kind of the first alien to be killed in 100 years. I do assume that aliens were killed in whatever war had happened before the colonization took place. So, congratulations to Aria for setting a new history.

The aliens too have blood? Interesting! The reactions were thoughtful. Seems like the humans have emotions for aliens too. Wasn't expecting that but it is what it is. Now that's legendary and can prevent them from killing aliens if required. Not a good point for their mission but well, character development.

Now for the characters, I think Kate and Ryan are missing in this part. Here, i got no mention of Kate. Where was she? It's actually a bit intriguing what happened to her. Why didn't she do anything? I am expecting a bit more of Ryan's character development. In case of Kate, we have at least got some notes about her character but Ryan's character is nit completely fleshed out. I sometimes can't just figure out how Harry becomes so crazy at times. Praising someone amidst all those was definitely crazy and unsafe. He does make me laugh but worry at the same time. He can be serious at times though

Now, two Carpathians are dead. Not a bad news if we see from the human side but still, it might lead to 10x more security...so, time to consider. The story is moving in a different direction now. A lot of hopes and worries. I just had a question, do you get notifications for my reviews?




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!! :D

Uhh...sometimes I do, sometimes I don't :D For this particular one, I did get a notification :D





That's strange......................



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Sat Nov 06, 2021 9:17 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Harry!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

Well, things went from bad to worse in this part. It is the end of the chapter and I still cannot guess where this is going to go.

There were a lot of things happening in this part. With the aliens closing in on them, there wasn't much space for any other thoughts. But I do think that the transitions at some places felt like they were too hurried. I got the feeling that you focused more on making us visualize all the action scenes, and in the process, the character's thoughts did not come off as very natural.

As I said, a lot was going on, and you delivered all the scenes with excellence. The suspense and the pressure is always there, but the true stakes of this mission was really felt in this chapter. Suddenly the whole escape has gained a lot more meaning and the readers are all the more invested to see this through. You have built up the suspense very well to this tipping point, and it will be interesting to see which way you go now.

I did think that it was a little unbelievable how the aliens opened fire on them and yet none of them were hurt, even though they were clearly outnumbered. I think you can mention a few scrapes here and there. The action scenes, as I have already mentioned, were delivered very well. I could genuinely see Aria throwing that wrench and Ryan flinging that crate. However, I got stuck on Daisy for some reason and it was mostly because her act was a little out of her character. She is the most timid one out of the group and considering how frozen and in shock she had been until then, the scene felt like it came out of nowhere. On one side, it was a great act of bravery, but on the other hand, it was an act unlike Daisy.

They have already killed two Carpathians. They have blood on their hands now, albeit green blood, which was an interesting detail by the way. The story has somehow become a whole lot more serious in this chapter and it will interesting to see what happens next.


That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!

Until next time!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!! :D



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Sat Nov 06, 2021 10:04 am
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Harry,

Mailice back with a final short review! :D

My overall conclusion for this whole chapter is mixed but positive. It's surprising in the way Daisy performed in the first two parts and the last one, in the sense that you didn't know her like that before, but also positive that you could see something of her.

The chapter was good. It had a wonderful tone to it to read, even in the most suspenseful scenes and I really like here how you created that mix between the dialogue and the narration to create that change effectively.

I'm amazed that we've moved on a bit in terms of plot, but a lot further in terms of character development. It makes me feel like we're still very much at the beginning and that the surprises are still going to rain in.

Of the other characters, I think Kate has also integrated well into the group, whereas I think Ryan is still a bit in the background. But I'm beginning to get the feeling that a certain (small) friendship could develop between Daisy and Kate.

The chapter generally had what I expected, with a few points that seemed strange to me at the beginning. Above all - as already mentioned several times - I would just try to show Daisy's thought processes a little more openly, so that the reader can also understand how she has become this situation-dependent character who doesn't flinch at every little noise.

One other point I noticed while reading:

“Are you crazy,” yelled Aria,

I think a question mark or even a question mark and an exclamation mark are better here then a comma.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

I think the thoughts of the character do dip a bit towards the end, cause post chapter 17-18 it'll be pretty much my last week of NaNo writing frenzy so even though its been put through a second draft, that effect still lingers a teensy bit. :D




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