z

Young Writers Society


12+

Survival: The Escape, Chapter 1.5

by KateHardy


He wrapped the cloth tightly around his hand and began his climb, making sure to keep his feet as steady as possible. Below him, Daisy and Aria held onto the ladder as tightly as they could. Halfway up, he risked a look at the two of them.

Aria’s jaw was set. Her face betrayed no emotion. On the other hand, Daisy’s face was clouded over with worry as it always was. Both their knuckles were white. He smiled to reassure them that everything was fine. Just like it did every other time he'd made this climb at other gates, it did nothing to release the tension from their faces but they both attempted to hide it with smiles.

He kept climbing, making it to the last few rungs. He positioned his hands carefully so that the cloth was right at the very edge, mere millimeters from being torched by the ever watchful lasers.

Harry took a deep breath. I don’t know what’s worse. Being the lightest of the team and assigned to climb up or being forced to watch a friend of yours climb up. He shook his head. None of those thoughts were helping him avoid losing an arm. He slowly began his work, relaxing as he fell into a familiar rhythm.

It took him almost an hour to clean the top. Climbing up and down the ladder accounted for almost half of that time, most of which was spent wishing for the thousandth time that they had been given a climbing platform instead of this ancient ladder which was in terrible shape.

After cleaning was done for the day, they took their time in putting away the equipment back in the corner that it had come from. They didn’t want to risk food privileges after all.

The walk back to The Hub was just as silent as the walk to the gate. As they walked, Harry went over the things that they had learnt that day. He was the one that had cleaned the section that surrounded the door. At first glance it hadn’t seemed like much but upon closer inspection he'd seen that there was an entire network of some sort running through it, tiny golden fibers forming a massive lattice that appeared to be powering the security system. At least that’s what he had managed to deduce. The only way to know for sure would be to get someone like Kathryn out there. She could tell it in a heartbeat. I should have paid more attention in computing. Ahh...well mom will be happy with what we got.

Harry walked faster as they got closer to The Hub. In front of him Aria was staring straight ahead clearly lost in thought. Daisy was walking beside him and judging by her furrowed eyebrows she had probably been staring at him the whole time he’d been lost in his own thoughts. Oh no. Poor girl probably tried to catch my eye for the past ten minutes.

He gave her an apologetic smile. She held his gaze till they’d walked through the door before she raised her eyebrows.

“Thinking,” explained Harry. She put her hands on her hips and frowned.

“About how doors are made,” he whispered leaning in close so that no one would hear.

“Ohh…” she replied,” sorry for grilling you on that.”

“It’s okay,” he said,” I would do the same if you zoned out for ten minutes.”

“Are you two going to keep talking or do you want to know if we're going to get anything?” came a voice.

They whirled around. Aria was looking at them, arms crossed. She smirked at the slight pink tinge on their faces.

“Did I miss something important?” she asked teasingly,” why are you both blushing?”

“We're not blushing,” shot back Daisy.

“Can we just go see if we can eat now?” asked Harry.

“Whatever you say,” she said, still smirking,” come along then.”


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Tue Nov 16, 2021 10:37 am
felistia wrote a review...



Hi Harry, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Sorry it's taken me so long to do another review. Life has been getting in the way a lot lately.


Harry took a deep breath. I don’t know what’s worse. Being the lightest of the team and assigned to climb up or being forced to watch a friend of yours climb up. He shook his head. None of those thoughts were helping him avoid losing an arm. He slowly began his work, relaxing as he fell into a familiar rhythm.


Oh so that's why he was chosen to climb the ladder. I was going to ask why as the male he was the one to climb. Good job clarifying that fairly soon into the chapter.



It took him almost an hour to clean the top. Climbing up and down the ladder accounted for almost half of that time, most of which was spent wishing for the thousandth time that they had been given a climbing platform instead of this ancient ladder which was in terrible shape.


I like the tension that you're building around this creaky ladder, but I feel that you could add some more description to make the ladder feel more rickety rather than just telling me it is.



After cleaning was done for the day, they took their time in putting away the equipment back in the corner that it had come from. They didn’t want to risk food privileges after all.


The aliens want everything spick-and-span.


The walk back to The Hub was just as silent as the walk to the gate. As they walked, Harry went over the things that they had learnt that day. He was the one that had cleaned the section that surrounded the door. At first glance it hadn’t seemed like much but upon closer inspection he'd seen that there was an entire network of some sort running through it, tiny golden fibers forming a massive lattice that appeared to be powering the security system. At least that’s what he had managed to deduce. The only way to know for sure would be to get someone like Kathryn out there. She could tell it in a heartbeat. I should have paid more attention in computing. Ahh...well mom will be happy with what we got.


Again, great to read these inward thoughts. Also, who is this Kathryn?



Daisy was walking beside him and judging by her furrowed eyebrows she had probably been staring at him the whole time he’d been lost in his own thoughts. Oh no. Poor girl probably tried to catch my eye for the past ten minutes.


"Earth to Harry." Lol, I can relate to Daisy in this case. The number of times one of my siblings has been lost in lala land and I've tried to catch their attention.




Overall thoughts:

Another pretty short read, but nice. I'm slowly getting to see the world and characters. The only complaint I have is that I feel the description is a little lacking in this part. I know that you put a lot in the last few parts, but a steady flow of description is always nice.
Again just my opinion though. Feel free to laugh and ignore it. :D

As always, never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

This review courtesy of Image




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Thu Sep 02, 2021 3:09 pm
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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Hey, Andrew here with a review! Overall this is a good little piece, if short, brings along the romance a bit, gives us some info. Honestly, I am currently most invested in seeing this romance through, out of anything in the story XD.

But into specifics!

Harry took a deep breath. I don’t know what’s worse. Being the lightest of the team and assigned to climb up or being forced to watch a friend of yours climb up. He shook his head. None of those thoughts were helping him avoid losing an arm. He slowly began his work, relaxing as he fell into a familiar rhythm.

Wait, is Harry like a small guy? I wouldn't expect him to be the lightest, as a boy, among two girls.
At first glance it hadn’t seemed like much but upon closer inspection he'd seen that there was an entire network of some sort running through it, tiny golden fibers forming a massive lattice that appeared to be powering the security system.

Clunky
“Ohh…” she replied,” sorry for grilling you on that.”

Grilling? Seems like a strange use of words.
They whirled around. Aria was looking at them, arms crossed. She smirked at the slight pink tinge on their faces.
[/quote]
Most obviously in love pair of humans currently in existence.

Anyway, cute chapter, excited to see where this all goes
Thanks, and keep writing!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Yeah Harry's pretty small :D



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Sun Aug 22, 2021 2:58 pm
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Heyyy!Forever here with a review!

Her face betrayed no emotion

Ah, I really like the word choice here. Though Harry is not the enemy of Aria, but I think the word 'betrayed' was a strong word to use.
“Can we just go see if we can eat now?” asked Harry.

Put an 'and' in between 'go' and 'see'

This was a pretty good part and oh! At last, the first chapter has come to an end. I thought it would stretch forever, lol. This chapter was a lot more relaxing than the previous ones, with not much actions. So, a new character we have here. I wonder who the character is and their mom. I wonder about her. Where is she now? Is she with them? I mean does she stay with them or she is too busy with her works, the works assigned to her by the Aliens? You made us curious about all these things.

And now to the relationship between Harry and Daisy. I am still confused about it. Are they mere friends or is Aria right? Till now, I haven't recieved any such vibes. So, let's stick to the friendship thing. Mere friendship. But if there's something more than friendship, that too is gonna play a role in the story.

If I am not wrong, Kathryn will be a integral part of the story. Like she seems to have talents and knowledge about all these tech-things. The adventure seems to have some tech spirit. That isn't really very strange when we have the full world of technology in there. So, if I am right in the history, it is kind of set in 3020. A lot of developments in technology from now. Imagine 30G coming xD but well, no such thing seems to exist in the Alienic World.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!! :D



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Sun Aug 22, 2021 2:37 pm
ForeverYoung299 says...



Posted by mistake.




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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi HarryHardy,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

So we have finally reached the end of the first chapter, so I´m going to leave an overall impression of the story so far.

That was an interesting ending to the first chapter (or not, if there's still a 1.6 to come). I really liked that you got to know the characters more through the parts and that you got a very good insight into the characters especially in the first parts, before it went on more with the plot itself. I found this mixture of giving the characters screentime first and then moving on to the actual plot a good idea and also welcome this possibility to build empathy with the characters.

You could clearly see the differences between Harry, his sister Aria and Daisy and I thought you did a good job of showing that in the dialogue. I was particularly pleased when you regularly read a comment that brought a brief smile to your lips.

What I also liked was how you managed to improve and expand your descriptions of the parts, so that as a reader you slowly get a glimpse of what everything looks like. You describe the things in an exciting way and try to incorporate them into the flow of the story. I think that gives your story a good dynamic and also something I don't see that often, most people describe something and then get stuck there while the plot continues behind the descriptions. (For example with me. :D)

What I also really liked, as in this part, was that your transitions always didn't need a big introduction, but continued where they left off before. This made it seem like a series with a commercial running in between. :D

In general, I can say that I am very interested in the story so far and also curious to see how it will continue. you should definitely keep up this style and also keep your current descriptions / plot like this.

Two points that caught my eye:

He wrapped the cloth tightly around his hand and began his climb, making sure to keep his feet as steady as possible.

I'm pretty sure you mean Harry here in the first sentence of the story, but I would still put it in instead of starting with a "he".

The walk back to The Hub was just as silent as the walk to the gate.

Since you are using a proper name here that starts with a capital letter in "The", I would perhaps write it in italic to give it more of that "feature".

Have fun writing!

Mailice




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Don't worry, the first chapter is in fact over...



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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This chapter was a lot lighter than the previous ones, and it wasn't as loaded with information. We don't get to know much, and the light banter/conversations between the characters was a refreshing break. It reminded me once again that these are just teenagers trapped in a world where they have no voice.

We do get to learn a new character's name - Kathryn. Seems to me like this Kathryn is some sort of an expert in electronics. Maybe we will get to learn more about her in the future installments. Since we are still in the first chapter, we don't know much about the other characters except for the three of them. We have heard of Harry's mother twice now, but we have yet to actually meet her. Hopefully it will be soon, and the expansion of this world you have created will be a welcome change.

I thought that this chapter was perfectly balanced. We learn a little more about the doors, which are becoming a great object of curiosity slowly. And I enjoyed the interactions between the characters, especially the part where Harry and Daisy try to hide their blatant crush on each other from Aria. Harry's thoughts seem to be much in sync now, and the dialogues are much more natural and believable.

Just like it did every other time he'd made this climb at other gates, it did nothing to release the tension from their faces but they both attempted to hide it with smiles.

I kind of feel like you don't need the first 'it did' there as it serves no purpose and just disturbs the flow of the sentence. You could change that part and simply write, "Just like every other time he'd made this climb at other gates, it did nothing to release the tension from their faces but they both attempted to hide it with smiles."

That's all.

Keep up the good work and have a great day!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!




Ghosts, demons, and ghouls cannot scare the cat's underling.
— TheMulticoloredCyr