z

Young Writers Society


12+

Survival: The Escape, Chapter 1.4

by KateHardy


“Doesn’t look like much,” said Harry, frowning at the unimpressive and positively flimsy looking door. It appeared to be much thinner than any of the other doors and nothing about it screamed ‘You shall not pass’ like all the other doors did.

“It’s the latest model,” said Aria,” its way lighter apparently and the surveillance system running on this is also new.”

“Wait, how so?” asked Daisy.

“That’s about all mom managed to find out,” replied Aria.

“Right,” said Daisy, "it's not like we can find everything."

“Okay, enough discussion, we have to get to work and finish this as fast as we can,” said Aria, pointing to a lawnmower and several other tools stacked in a neat pile in the corner.

“Think we can earn ourselves some extra food from this?” asked Harry.

“Uhh…wasn’t mentioned,” replied his sister,” but we can worry about all of that later.”

“Hmm…isn’t…” began Harry again but was cut off by Daisy.

“Look, Harry, I know you’re simply trying to find another positive from this but they ordered us to get started early for a reason. Let’s try not to find out what happens if we don’t finish on time.” She gave him a small smile.

“Okay,” said Harry, eyes downcast at that proclamation. He didn’t often like to think of the situation the three of them were in, that all of humanity was now in. All because of some morons in suits a hundred years ago. Sometimes, it was unavoidable though. Harry grabbed a nano-fiber cloth and whipped it angrily, as it was that was going to fling away his thoughts. No point thinking of the past. It is gone now. He turned to the task at hand.

“It’s only just cleaning right?” Harry asked to confirm.

“That’s what the display said but since we were called out here early you never know what else they have in store for us. Let’s just get this thing done and then worry about what happens next,” advised Aria,” if we keep on discussing what might happen we’re never going to be able to get anything done.”

With those final words, the three of them began their work in silence.

As Harry worked, he reflected on the game the aliens were playing when they gave the younger teams a place as small as this to clean but always somewhere close to the walls. On the surface it seemed fairer. The younger teams got only a fraction of the ridiculous amounts of work that were required of the adult teams but the effect of being quite so close to the outside and knowing that there was no way they'd ever be allowed to leave was far worse than having a ton of work to do. If anything, having less work to focus on made things even harder.

Two hours later, everything was gleaming, having received a thorough cleaning by the three of them. The only part remaining was the upper section of the actual wall itself. The one piece that Harry knew would be the worst part. They were not allowed to have their heads actually be above the wall nor could they touch the top of the wall. Those that had tried had gone home missing their hands or their heads. The automated system of lasers that enforced this rule was very strict and did not allow any margin of error. There was a reason that the sound of bugs frying was something that neither of them even noticed anymore.

Harry propped up the ladder carefully against the wall. The ancient steel was rusted and could barely hold together. The least they could do is at least give us equipment that won’t kill us. He took a deep breath and stepped onto the ladder as cautiously as he could. Five years and I’m still not used to this swaying.


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Mon Nov 01, 2021 10:43 am
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felistia wrote a review...



Hi Harry, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

“Doesn’t look like much,” said Harry, frowning at the unimpressive and positively flimsy looking door. It appeared to be much thinner than any of the other doors and nothing about it screamed ‘You shall not pass’ like all the other doors did.


They are so going to touch it. Also maybe include some detail on how it looks flimsy. Like are the other doors made of steel or iron and this one is made of glass or wood?

“That’s about all mom managed to find out,” replied Aria.


Ooo, so they do have parents or at least Aria does so far.

“Think we can earn ourselves some extra food from this?” asked Harry.


So I take it that they are on food rations. Are they quite hungry or are they fairly well fed? Maybe include something along those lines in the previous chapters?


All because of some morons in suits a hundred years ago. Sometimes, it was unavoidable though.


Oh, now I'm curious. I have to know what happened to get them into this mess.


“It’s only just cleaning right?” Harry asked to confirm.


Just an opinion, but I think either 'just' or 'only' needs to get taken out. I feel that it reads a little funny otherwise.


As Harry worked, he reflected on the game the aliens were playing when they gave the younger teams a place as small as this to clean but always somewhere close to the walls. On the surface it seemed fairer. The younger teams got only a fraction of the ridiculous amounts of work that were required of the adult teams but the effect of being quite so close to the outside and knowing that there was no way they'd ever be allowed to leave was far worse than having a ton of work to do. If anything, having less work to focus on made things even harder.


I really like these inward thoughts. I'd love if there was a bit more in the story as it's a great way to attach to the main character and also to learn more of the world.


The one piece that Harry knew would be the worst part. They were not allowed to have their heads actually be above the wall nor could they touch the top of the wall. Those that had tried had gone home missing their hands or their heads. The automated system of lasers that enforced this rule was very strict and did not allow any margin of error. There was a reason that the sound of bugs frying was something that neither of them even noticed anymore.


Again another great use of thoughts to convey new information about the world. Love it.


Overall thoughts:

I quite liked this read, the thoughts particularly. That part when Harry reflected on the past mess that caused their current state of existence is quite intriguing. I hope I get to read more of that soon.


As always, never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

This review courtesy of Image




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!! :D



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Wed Sep 01, 2021 12:47 pm
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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Hey, Andrew here with a review! This section was a good extension of the last one, and gives us some new info and new questions. This story has done a great job of giving us info, while making sure we still have lots of questions, stringing us along!
I would say, my main complaint with this chapter is similar to the last one... I'm just kinda lost sometimes! I am having a hard time imagining the space they're in and what exactly they're doing, so I'm having a hard time really getting in it. Is this cleaning like gardening or like, sweeping and mopping? They're cleaning the wall itself? What's making it dirty? Why do they need to clean it? Are the aliens just keeping them busy or is there something bigger behind this. ect ect. I understand that some of these questions may be intentionally unanswered, but I as an audience member should know that you should give me enough info that I know you're not answering questions, so it feels mysterious, not confusing.

But into specifics!

It appeared to be much thinner than any of the other doors and nothing about it screamed ‘You shall not pass’ like all the other doors did.

I'm still a bit confused about the whole door situation but that might be my fault... also a lord of the rings reference I see XD?

“It’s the latest model,” said Aria,” its way lighter apparently and the surveillance system running on this is also new.”

Okay, Harry, I'm giving up, good luck with the quotation mark sitution. XD
Also, its should be it's

“Look, Harry, I know you’re simply trying to find another positive from this but they ordered us to get started early for a reason. Let’s try not to find out what happens if we don’t finish on time.” She gave him a small smile.

Like, genuine question, when were they told they had to start early, cuz I've forgotten XD. Also, I don't exactly understand what the smile is for, reassurance?

All because of some morons in suits a hundred years ago.

Ooooh, a great way to give us some info... now, what could some dumb humans do to let aliens take over the world? I'll be interested to see.
That’s what the display said but since we were called out here early you never know what else they have in store for us.

run-on sentence

he reflected on the game the aliens were playing when they gave the younger teams a place as small as this to clean but always somewhere close to the walls. On the surface it seemed fairer. The younger teams got only a fraction of the ridiculous amounts of work that were required of the adult teams but the effect of being quite so close to the outside and knowing that there was no way they'd ever be allowed to leave was far worse than having a ton of work to do. If anything, having less work to focus on made things even harder.
Teams? Game? My mind went to hunger games, but I now realize you probably were using the game as a figure of speech, but still interesting. What could the aliens be doing? Why do they need humans to do so much work? What kind of work? Once again, interested to see.


Two hours later, everything was gleaming, having received a thorough cleaning by the three of them. The only part remaining was the upper section of the actual wall itself. The one piece that Harry knew would be the worst part. They were not allowed to have their heads actually be above the wall nor could they touch the top of the wall. Those that had tried had gone home missing their hands or their heads. The automated system of lasers that enforced this rule was very strict and did not allow any margin of error. There was a reason that the sound of bugs frying was something that neither of them even noticed anymore.

Clunky

He took a deep breath and stepped onto the ladder as cautiously as he could. Five years and I’m still not used to this swaying.

I assume that's supposed to be a thought or a comment unless we just switched into the first person, which if so hey, that's at least original XD.
But hey, that's all just my two cents, hope it helps!
I normally only review one chapter a day, but I might have to jump onto the next one to see where this goes!
Thanks, and keep writing,
Andrew




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



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Sat Aug 21, 2021 5:04 pm
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Heyyyy! Forever back here with a review!!

This was quite an interesting chapter(or rather part)with a lot of things happening here(again). The first chapter seems to be quite action-packed. Definitely a good start to a novel. The novel is gonna be quite exhilarating if it continues in its present position and swing.

So, back to this part. Some history stuffs there. If I am not much mistaken, Harry is 15 years old at the moment. So, 5 years ago...10 years old. What can I derive from this? Most probably, seems the like the minimum age of service is 10 years. A little interesting detail here. By the way, that thought, the last line I mean should be in italics. And what really happened 100 years back? How did the Aliens got hold of the human beings? Well, seems like the human beings helped them. I don't know what year it's set in but if I assume the present to be 100 years back, then, hm.. the humans are trying to find out the existence of Aliens. So, that goes quite well. I really like how you put these tiny informations here and there not very directly but indirectly.

They are in a very bad situation. And yeah, Harry's character development. A good revelation that he is a very positive kind of person. And yea, food... Don't they even get the humans food? That is awful. Stupid, cruel Aliens. They can be kind of related to the people believing in slavery-business. The children are being kind of manipulated in a bad way. Like the Aliens are intentionally are instilling the desire to escape within them.

I wonder what is gonna happen next. Hope everything's safe. Like really, after each part, you make me think something bad is gonna happen.

Keep Writing!

~Forever




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Oooh...you might be onto something there with the history...



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Wed Aug 18, 2021 6:01 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi HarryHardy,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

With this chapter, the words have slowly grown out of the actions. Since we are still in the first chapter, I assume that a pattern similar to the last chapters will take place a few more times, so that there is a certain introduction that always inserts the reader.

I liked that you kept your tried and true tactic of continuing the chapter in seamless transitions. Sometimes this can be a little confusing, but since the chapters are at regular intervals, it's also easy to keep track of what's going on.

I liked the set-up like the dialogues between Harry, Aria and Daisy. I felt like these dialogues were somehow more detailed and developed than the previous dialogues. That doesn't mean they were bad, but I noticed that they were broader and gave more information. I liked the fact that you could tell a little bit who was speaking.

What I also really liked was your descriptions and how you described them more vividly and better than the previous chapter. You used words and also synonyms; you gave explanations and connected them with some interesting remarks. I liked that very much and also think that it makes for an exciting overall scope, looking at the four parts now as a whole. What I also like very much is that you are constantly hinting at things that will later come true or at least give the reader some kind of interest in reading on to see what else is in store for Harry and Co.

Other points that struck me while reading, or one point: :D


He didn't often like to think of the situation the three of them were in, that all of humanity was now in.


That's the only thing I noticed, and think you need to reword the sentence a bit here, because it seems quite strange in this structure. At least to me.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



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Mon Aug 16, 2021 5:33 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello!

RandomTalks here with a review!

So finally they start working. I have to say though, until this point, I had completely forgotten the fact that they are teenagers and must have parents and other families. The mention of their mother suddenly reminded me of this, and now I wonder why they haven't been introduced yet. Do they live together, or are the children separated? What types of jobs do the aliens have them perform? There is so much we still don't know!

We did learn a little more about the place, and I liked Harry's reflection in this part. People often tend to throw themselves in their work in order to distract themselves from the larger problem at hand that they cannot control. Even though their lives are now run by aliens that have overtaken their home, they still come back to the old familiar coping mechanisms. I also felt Harry's frustration at being so close to the walls and not being able to escape from them. It is almost a cruel form of rubbing their imprisonment in their faces, but these are aliens, so I guess I should not be expecting humanity or kindness from them.

I am curios though. Are you ever going to finish the first chapter? Your parts are pretty short, and maybe if you write them longer, the story will move along faster. I just feel like the plot is progressing a little slowly.

I have just one suggestion:

Five years and I’m still not used to this swaying.


I don't understand if this is a thought of Harry's or if you simply wrote this line in the first person by mistake. If this is a direct thought of Harry's, put it in italics like the previous one. Otherwise, people will get thrown off by the sudden use of first person.

That's all.

This was a good continuation of the first chapter. I just hope you actually end it soon.

Keep writing and have a great day!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

xD..don't worry, there's just one more part left for this chapter. :D

As for the short parts, I'm just kind of breaking this down into easy to review chunks as I post it. The full story is already written actually:D

I will admit though, the plot at the start of this story is fairly slow :D



KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

xD..don't worry, there's just one more part left for this chapter. :D

As for the short parts, I'm just kind of breaking this down into easy to review chunks as I post it. The full story is already written actually:D

I will admit though, the plot at the start of this story is fairly slow :D




I am and always will be optimist, the hoper of far-flung hopes, the dreamer of improbable dreams.
— 11th Doctor