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Young Writers Society


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Survival: The Escape, Chapter 1.3

by KateHardy


“Can we know what’s going…” began Harry but was cut off by a glare from Aria.

“That’s what I was about to tell you genius,” she snapped, before continuing in a softer tone,” Sorry, this is a bit of a situation that we’ve been put into today.”

“As the two of you probably noticed, they’ve finished building the new door to this facility,” she began,” and we’ve been assigned to keep that particular area clean during this time slot.”

“That’s good right?” asked Daisy.

“I was getting to the bad part,” she said, holding up a hand,” please just listen to me. No more questions until I’m done with explaining.”

Harry pretended to zip up his mouth and throw away the key. Both girls smiled at his attempt to lighten the mood.

“As I was saying we’ve been assigned to a door and that’s the good thing but according to what I’ve heard …” Her voice dropped to the barest of whispers that both Daisy and Harry had to lean in to hear. They have come up with some new security system…it’s supposed to be way better than the one we have now so…well I don’t need to explain why that’s bad do I?”

“Definitely bad news,” summarized Harry, somehow managing to keep a smile on his face unlike Daisy,” but there’s always a way.”

“How can…” began Aria, but it was Harry’s turn to hold up his hand.

“Let’s not talk about that right now, let’s just go and get to work…it's going to take some time to get used to the new place,” suggested Harry giving them the subtlest of nods to let them know that conversation was far from over.

Aria stepped through the brand new glass door first. It slid open with a smoothness that was quite rare among equipment they got to use. Daisy and Harry followed suit.

The first thing that hit them was the smell of fresh cut grass, something that was a rarity in the camp. Harry took a deep breath as a fresh breeze hit. It left him with a strange sense of happiness and sadness all mixed together as he took a look around the new place.

It appeared to be fairly similar to the other gates that they had worked in. Two thick concrete walls boxed them in along the sides, the glass wall of the passage they had come through covering the rear. In front of them stood the one thing that all humans wished would collapse: The Inner Wall. It covered the entire camp and was the biggest physical barrier blocking them off from the outside world. It wasn't like it was the most dangerous but it stood as a symbol to the their imprisonment. 

The aliens’ own residences surrounded this wall followed by another wall that formed the perimeter of the camp. There were also supposed to many more surprises in between the two walls, but there were mostly rumors, owing to the fact that no one that ventured outside had lived to tell the tale.

What they did all know for a fact was that the inner wall towered over them stretching to a good thirty feet tall. It was made of a metal that the aliens had brought over and they'd taken to calling it Comotelal. The actual thickness of the wall remained a mystery to them but they knew that the top of the wall was made of very smooth metal and curved into a hemisphere which was designed to prevent any kind of hooking system from gaining traction on it unless it could pierce the metal which had so far proven impossible with the tools they had. 

And set into the wall, at the exact center from the two walls that enclosed them was the new door. It was the first time in a long time that something like this had been done and it was going to be the talk of the camp for a good while. Every time a door was introduced to the camp, it had been followed by several escape attempts, it was very much inevitable. Despite the fact that no one had ever succeeded and the doors only ever got better, they hadn't stopped trying and this would be no different. Perhaps life at camp would be a bit more interesting in the coming months, they'd at least have a bit of hope, a rare commodity with the current state of humanity.

“So our new job is pretty much the same as the previous door," Aria was saying somewhere in the background, and he moved closer to her to listen in. "We have to keep this place clean and fill in any cracks and such that occur from the elements. One new thing though is that the door is off limits. We are allowed to clean the wall itself but making any form of contact with the door is strictly forbidden. Whether that’s because there’s a laser defense system on it like the wall or they just don’t want us touching it, I don’t know. But if you like your hands don’t touch it.”

Well, that was new. They'd never been told not to touch a door before.


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Fri Oct 29, 2021 6:04 am
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felistia wrote a review...



Hi Harry, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

P.S Sorry about not review the last few days. Been a little sick.


“Can we know what’s going…” began Harry but was cut off by a glare from Aria.


I'm not sure why, but this dialogue didn't read too well. It might just be me, but I feel that it might sound better if it went.

"Can you tell us what's going..."


It might just be me though, so feel free to ignore it. :D



“Definitely bad news,” summarized Harry, somehow managing to keep a smile on his face unlike Daisy,” but there’s always a way.”


I'm guess that they're planning an escape?


The first thing that hit them was the smell of fresh cut grass, something that was a rarity in the camp. Harry took a deep breath as a fresh breeze hit.


I love that smell. Also good work on added on these subtle little hints that describe how life is for them.



Perhaps life at camp would be a bit more interesting in the coming months, they'd at least have a bit of hope, a rare commodity with the current state of humanity.


So from the sounds of it, the whole of humanity has been taken captive by these aliens. I wonder where the adults are and if Harry and his friends have parents still?



Well, that was new. They'd never been told not to touch a door before.


Well that can only mean that they're going to touch it at some point right. Lol.


Overall thoughts:

Another interesting read. I didn't get quite as many questions answered in this part. It did however expand on the world and give me an idea of what the camp looks like and it's inner workings.

Look forward to reading the next part.

As always, never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

This review courtesy of Image




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

You're getting close with some of those guesses ;)



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Tue Aug 31, 2021 4:42 pm
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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Hey! It's Andrew back with a review! This chapter was fun, and making me prep for a good ol' fashion prison break! Let's go Great Escape style!
I'd say the biggest issue with this chapter is it has a lot of run-on sentences and clunky parts, so I found myself tripping over the words and confused multiple times. So if I were you I'd go back through and do some minor editing to change the wording of things in some instances and add more punctuation in others.
But into specifics!

suggested Harry giving them the subtlest of nods to let them know that conversation was far from over.

I read this part twice to make sure I understood it, because it's kinda weird to me. I don't know what you mean by little nods to communicate that they'll keep talking. I can't picture it, so more description, or cutting it, would be helpful.
The first thing that hit them was the smell of fresh cut grass, something that was a rarity in the camp.

I never understood where this smell is supposed to be coming from, is there grass in this space? Is it from behind the wall? Clearing that up would be nice because by virtue of you including it the grass thing seems important (:
It wasn't like it was the most dangerous but it stood as a symbol to the their imprisonment.
this is a weird way of saying this to me
but there were mostly rumors, owing to the fact that no one that ventured outside had lived to tell the tale.

Saying "No one had lived to tell the tale." Is a cliche, and not just that, it's already been used once in this story, so it feels uncreative and brings me out of the story, I would advise trying to come up with a more original way to say this.
The actual thickness of the wall remained a mystery to them but they knew that the top of the wall was made of very smooth metal and curved into a hemisphere which was designed to prevent any kind of hooking system from gaining traction on it unless it could pierce the metal which had so far proven impossible with the tools they had.

Two things about this, one, it's a major run-on sentence, two, do you mean a rounded top? Because if it's a true hemisphere, it would have to be a have sphere, which means it would be equally round in all directions, like a dome.
We have to keep this place clean and fill in any cracks and such that occur from the elements. One new thing though is that the door is off limits. We are allowed to clean the wall itself but making any form of contact with the door is strictly forbidden. Whether that’s because there’s a laser defense system on it like the wall or they just don’t want us touching it, I don’t know. But if you like your hands don’t touch it.”

One thing I don't really understand is how they got all this info about the sit' was it from the panel on the column? Also, I am still confused about what they are supposed to be doing? Cleaning? A wall? I don't get it.
But I may just be dumb.
And that's all just my two cents! Hope it helped!
Interested to see this prison break!
Thanks, and keep writing!
Andrew




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Uhh...the grass is meant to be inside....although its probably not actually important...xD

Yup...the wall has a bit of a domed top...its kind a like uhh...a square box with a half cylinder on top of it..with like a lip and stuff...this is probably better explained with like a 3D model...xD...but its not just a rounded top is what I'm saying...xD..although hemisphere might be the wrong word...lol

Oh it is cleaning....just cleaning...;)

Thanks again!!



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Fri Aug 20, 2021 5:07 pm
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Heyyy! Forever here for a review!!

Minute mistakes:

“That’s what I was about to tell you genius,” she snapped, before continuing in a softer tone,” Sorry, this is a bit of a situation that we’ve been put into today.”

We don't really begin a dialogue by using ” I noticed this at other places too. It's always better to use " at both the end and beginning. We have to work less to do that. :P

Hm... Definitely not a very good situation they are in. The worst bit is that they are imprisoned. I feel sad for them. The humans are really in a bad situation and I am afraid about their future. Besides answering some questions, it set many more questions like what the wall actually is? What are the things that they use for the security? And above all, are these Aliens invincible? Can't they be beaten by some or the other means? If I am not wrong, they are gonna try escaping. The chapter name suggests that. It is going to be quite a journey. I wonder how the Outside World actually looks like. Perhaps, it is great, much better than inside or maybe even more dangerous... And yeah, also, whar was the actual cause of their imprisonment?

I should talk about the characters now. Harry seems to be a great character. He is a bit nervous but humorous at the same time. He made some good attempts to make them smile in hard time too. A positive character, in fact. Aria is kind of a solemn person or at least serious about certain things like these. But at times, she appears to be playful like the others. Now, Daisy(I love the name, did I tell it earlier?). She appears to be a midway between Harry and Aria. And I still wonder about the relation between Harry and Daisy. Something more than friendship?

I like how you provided some descriptions in this part, though not many but descriptions in small chunks can be helpful. However, about the wall, you have gotta give descriptions. Did u give it in the last part tho? Oops, I have forgotten.. In this part, the pacing too improved, I think.

All in all, it was a great part.

Keep Writing!

~Forever




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



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Sat Aug 14, 2021 1:04 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello!

I am back with another review!

So this chapter answered a few questions, raised several more, but it does move the plot forward. And I kind of like not knowing what is going on. I was getting Maze Runner vibes from your descriptions in this chapter, there are so many walls boxing them in! From what I understood the walls are supposed to keep them in, I wonder if we will ever get to know what is outside?

I think what made this chapter different from the last one is your inclusion of some dialogue. Even though the latter part is mostly descriptions, it doesn't feel so heavy anymore. And since this is sci fi, descriptions are pretty necessary. We cannot really imagine a world if we have no idea what it looks like.

Now on to some minor details!

It wasn't like it was the most dangerous but it stood as a symbol to the their imprisonment.

There is an extra word here. The 'the' before 'their' isn't really necessary!

There were also supposed to many more surprises in between the two walls, but there were mostly rumors, owing to the fact that no one that ventured outside had lived to tell the tale.

This sentence was a little hard to follow. Firstly, it runs on and needs to be broken into separate sentences. Maybe put a full stop after 'two walls' and write the next in a new sentence. There was also a problem with the words. There needs to be a 'be' after 'supposed to' and 'there' needs to be replaced with the word 'these'. Also, since you are talking about human beings here, the 'that' needs to be replaced with 'who'. With the way I explained, I know it doesn't make much sense, but if you rewrite it, it will read:
"There were also supposed to 'be' many more surprises in between the two walls. But 'these' were mostly rumors, owing to the fact that no one 'who' ventured outside had lived to tell the tale."
Hope you were able to make sense of that.

What they did all know for a fact was that the inner wall towered over them stretching to a good thirty feet tall.

The word 'all' is not really necessary in this sentence and it adds nothing to the meaning.

The actual thickness of the wall remained a mystery to them but they knew that the top of the wall was made of very smooth metal and curved into a hemisphere which was designed to prevent any kind of hooking system from gaining traction on it unless it could pierce the metal which had so far proven impossible with the tools they had.

Again this sentence was a bit too long, and it will make one breathless to read it in one go. I would suggest putting a full stop after 'them' and starting a new sentence from there. Even though the second sentence is still too long, it can be fixed with a few commas.

Perhaps life at camp would be a bit more interesting in the coming months, they'd at least have a bit of hope, a rare commodity with the current state of humanity.

Same problem. Sentence is too long. Try breaking it off after 'coming months' and starting anew from there.

That's all. Run on sentences are really common, but after a while you start to recognize them when you read and reread your works.

Overall, this was a great chapter. I look forward to reading the next one.

Keep writing and have a great day!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



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Fri Aug 13, 2021 2:44 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi HarryHardy,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

This was a wally (pun intended to wall :D) chapter. It had its ups and downs, but definitely gave the reader new information and fodder for the sequel. I quite like the seamless transitions you always create to move from one part of the chapter to the next and I'm glad you keep it up.

I liked the little detail of Harry and later Aria being interrupted in their dialogue. I thought these were generally well sorted and also raised; they seemed sprinkled with the necessary info the reader needs at the moment and also with some lingering questions. I liked how these levelled out towards the end, and the descriptions became more of a focus.

You put a lot of effort into making these, and I also like how you try to connect the characters, such as Harry, to the description by putting in some emotions. One point I didn't like as much was how you always got stuck on the word "wall". I think I read it at least a dozen times and I think you can definitely try to use some synonyms that the reader will understand to mean the inner wall. Otherwise it seems too "scientific and not prose-like."

Otherwise, I liked the chapter a lot. I like how the end remains very vague and the reader is already wondering when something will happen with this kind of forshadowing. :D

Some points I noticed while reading:

"That's what I'm about to tell you genius," she snapped, before continuing in a softer tone," Sorry, this is a bit of a situation that we've been put into today."

"As the two of you probably noticed, they've finished building the new door to this facility," she began, "and we've been assigned to keep that particular area clean during this time slot.


I'm a little confused here because I strongly assume that in the second section here Aria is speaking again, but it's not immediately obvious because you're changing the section, and also because I thought another character was speaking here. For example, you could add a short note here that she inhales and exhales briefly before continuing, because it gives more of an impression that someone other than Aria is speaking here.

that both Daisy and Harry had to lean in to hear. They have come up with some new security system...


You forgot to put the inverted commas here.

The aliens' own residences surrounded this wall followed by another wall that formed the perimeter of the camp. There were also supposed to be many more surprises in between the two walls,


I would rewrite the paragraph a bit here because you use the term "wall" quite often. Even though it's more central now, I would try not to use the word too often.

What they did all know for a fact was that the inner wall towered


In the presentation two paragraphs before, you referred to the "inner wall" as the "Inner Wall". I would try to keep the capitalisation here.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Also oh dear....I never did realize how much I mentioned the wall...I should probably do something about it in the chapters to come then...the word wall and door probably make up like 50% of this story...xD




Everything has a consequence and every consequence leads to death.
— kattee