z

Young Writers Society


12+

Survival: The Escape, Chapter 1.1

by KateHardy


Chapter 1

A New Place to Scrub

[Harry]

Harris Kane groggily shook his head and clutched his pillow tighter. Someone was trying to shake him awake. He tried to squeeze as much warmth as he could from the threadbare blanket he was lying under. The cold steel plate that he called a bed felt like an ice cube against his back, offering no comfort against the chilly air in the room.

“Wake up sleepyhead,” said a voice.

Harry rolled over, abandoning his battle to go back to sleep. As his vision cleared, two brilliant blue eyes came into focus.

“Morning, Aria.”

“Sorry to wake you up so early, but we're being reassigned today and we can’t be late,” she said, giving him a small smile.

“That’s okay, sis,” he said, slowly sitting up in bed and returning the smile,” I should've kept that in mind.”’

Harry stretched as he clambered off his bed. It sounded like his entire body was breaking apart as his stiff joints cracked in unison. What I wouldn’t do for a mattress.

Aria looked him up and down.

“Get yourself cleaned up and come to the hall, I’ll be waiting,” she said. She walked up to him and pressed a kiss onto his forehead before walking out.

Harry ran after her before she could leave and pulled her into a quick hug.

“And what was that for?” Aria asked returning the hug and resting her chin on his head.

“Am I not allowed to hug my big sister?” he asked, smiling into her shoulder.

“Hmm…sounds like you're trying to butter me up for something,” she said, pulling him in closer, “fifteen year olds don’t hug their sisters.”

“No I’m not,” he said, attempting to sound offended,” how could you ever accuse me of that?”

"Okay…I'll believe you, but now, you do need to go get ready. You stink,” she said, wrinkling her nose.

“I do not,” he shot back.

“Oh yes you do,” she said, pulling away and turning to leave.

“Why you…” began Harry, but she ran off before he could complete his threat. Smiling to himself, Harry walked back into his room.

He went about his morning routine as quickly as he could before rushing out five minutes later to head to the hall.

Even though they called it a hall, the tiny room barely had any space making it feel cramped even with barely ten people milling about. Thick concrete walls, bearing no decoration whatsoever surrounded them on all sides. An air conditioning unit attached to the roof was the only break in the monotony of the concrete box that was the hall. The air conditioning unit had been inoperational for as long as Harry could remember, with the thing providing only a tiny current of warm air that made no noticeable difference to the temperature. Sometimes he wondered if it had been attacked in its broken state, just to make them all feel worse. 

Harry looked around, searching for his sister amidst the other people milling about. He nodded to the familiar faces that caught his eye until he spotted a very familiar head of flaming red hair. Daisy woke up before me? The world must be ending.

He hurried over to her, dodging and swerving around people going heading towards their daily tasks or returning from overnight ones. Her eyes lit up the moment she caught sight of his own.

“Hello!” she said, smiling brightly.

“Morning!” he said.

“I beat you to the Wake-Up today,” she said crossing her arms, a smug smile on her face.

“This is grave news indeed,” he said, a very serious look coming over his face,” I believe the world is going to end tomorrow.”

“Oh come on, I've woken up early before,” she protested, swatting him on the arm.

“No you haven’t,” he shot back,” I always have to wait to see that wonderful smile of you…”

A throat cleared next to them.

Harry turned to see Aria coming up from behind Daisy.

“That’s enough flirting for one morning, Harry,” she said, winking at him.

“We were NOT flirting!” chorused Harry and Daisy.

“Sure about tha…” began Aria but was cut off by Harry.

‘We’re going to be late. Can we just leave already?” he said. Daisy shot him a grateful smile.

“Uh huh, come along then,” said Aria, turning to leave before stopping to add,” don’t think I was fooled by the change of subject.”

“Aria…” started both Daisy and Harry simultaneously.

“Okay, okay, let’s get going,” she said, raising her hands in surrender as she began to move for real that time.


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Sat Nov 13, 2021 12:10 am
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savannah_ohh wrote a review...



Hey, I have a review for you!

First, I really like the descriptions you used! It does a great job of putting you into the scene and helping you feel what the characters are feeling. I especially like how you described the bed in, "He tried to squeeze as much warmth as he could from the threadbare blanket he was lying under. The cold steel plate that he called a bed felt like an ice cube against his back, offering no comfort against the chilly air in the room."

“Sorry to wake you up so early, but we're being reassigned today and we can’t be late,” she said, giving him a small smile.

“That’s okay, sis,” he said, slowly sitting up in bed and returning the smile,” I should've kept that in mind.”’

Harry stretched as he clambered off his bed. It sounded like his entire body was breaking apart as his stiff joints cracked in unison. What I wouldn’t do for a mattress.


I also like this part a lot! It leaves me with questions, which I'm excited to see potentially answered! What does she mean by reassigned? Why doesn't he have a mattress?


“And what was that for?” Aria asked returning the hug and resting her chin on his head.

“Am I not allowed to hug my big sister?” he asked, smiling into her shoulder.

“Hmm…sounds like you're trying to butter me up for something,” she said, pulling him in closer, “fifteen year olds don’t hug their sisters.”

“No I’m not,” he said, attempting to sound offended,” how could you ever accuse me of that?”

"Okay…I'll believe you, but now, you do need to go get ready. You stink,” she said, wrinkling her nose.

“I do not,” he shot back.

“Oh yes you do,” she said, pulling away and turning to leave.

“Why you…” began Harry, but she ran off before he could complete his threat. Smiling to himself, Harry walked back into his room.


This part was fun to read. I like their sibling relationship, especially because it reminds me of how I am with my siblings. They have a fun sibling dynamic so far!



Even though they called it a hall, the tiny room barely had any space making it feel cramped even with barely ten people milling about. Thick concrete walls, bearing no decoration whatsoever surrounded them on all sides. An air conditioning unit attached to the roof was the only break in the monotony of the concrete box that was the hall. The air conditioning unit had been inoperational for as long as Harry could remember, with the thing providing only a tiny current of warm air that made no noticeable difference to the temperature. Sometimes he wondered if it had been attacked in its broken state, just to make them all feel worse.


Again, I love the descriptions! It really gave me a clear picture of what Harry was seeing in my head. I also just love your writing style in general. I'm not great a putting my thoughts into words, which is ironic considering I'm a writer, but something about it makes it extremely fun to read!


“Hello!” she said, smiling brightly.

“Morning!” he said.

“I beat you to the Wake-Up today,” she said crossing her arms, a smug smile on her face.

“This is grave news indeed,” he said, a very serious look coming over his face,” I believe the world is going to end tomorrow.”

“Oh come on, I've woken up early before,” she protested, swatting him on the arm.

“No you haven’t,” he shot back,” I always have to wait to see that wonderful smile of you…”

A throat cleared next to them.

Harry turned to see Aria coming up from behind Daisy.

“That’s enough flirting for one morning, Harry,” she said, winking at him.

“We were NOT flirting!” chorused Harry and Daisy.

“Sure about tha…” began Aria but was cut off by Harry.


OOH, is that a potential romance I see? Personally, that just makes me even more invested. And you two are absolutely flirting, Harry and Daisy, don't even try to deny it.

Overall, this is a really great start! I'm excited to read more and can't wait to see what happens to Harry, Aria, and Daisy!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!! :D



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Mon Oct 25, 2021 9:21 am
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felistia wrote a review...



Hi Harry, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Let's start this off. I can see there's a bunch of chapters to read already. No need to worry about cliff hangers yet. I can't wait to get started. :D

P.S please forgive me, I'm a little rusty at this.


Harris Kane groggily shook his head and clutched his pillow tighter. Someone was trying to shake him awake. He tried to squeeze as much warmth as he could from the threadbare blanket he was lying under. The cold steel plate that he called a bed felt like an ice cube against his back, offering no comfort against the chilly air in the room.


I hate it when someone does this to you. Also great description. :D


Harry stretched as he clambered off his bed. It sounded like his entire body was breaking apart as his stiff joints cracked in unison. What I wouldn’t do for a mattress.


So I take it that they're poor or maybe are in an orphanage?



“Get yourself cleaned up and come to the hall, I’ll be waiting,” she said. She walked up to him and pressed a kiss onto his forehead before walking out.


Now that's what I call a sweet sibling. :D



Harry ran after her before she could leave and pulled her into a quick hug.

“And what was that for?” Aria asked returning the hug and resting her chin on his head.

“Am I not allowed to hug my big sister?” he asked, smiling into her shoulder.

“Hmm…sounds like you're trying to butter me up for something,” she said, pulling him in closer, “fifteen year olds don’t hug their sisters.”

“No I’m not,” he said, attempting to sound offended,” how could you ever accuse me of that?”


I would suspicious if I were her. I do this all the time to my sisters when I want something. Lol



"Okay…I'll believe you, but now, you do need to go get ready. You stink,” she said, wrinkling her nose.

“I do not,” he shot back.

“Oh yes you do,” she said, pulling away and turning to leave.

“Why you…” began Harry, but she ran off before he could complete his threat. Smiling to himself, Harry walked back into his room.


I love how you're portraying these two characters. Their relationship comes across well and is very believable. It's scary how similar this is to my relationship with my siblings.



Sometimes he wondered if it had been attacked in its broken state, just to make them all feel worse.


I think you meant to say attached, not attacked here?

He hurried over to her, dodging and swerving around people going heading towards their daily tasks or returning from overnight ones.


Another typo I thing. I'd either keep going or heading.



“I beat you to the Wake-Up today,” she said crossing her arms, a smug smile on her face.

“This is grave news indeed,” he said, a very serious look coming over his face,” I believe the world is going to end tomorrow.”

“Oh come on, I've woken up early before,” she protested, swatting him on the arm.

“No you haven’t,” he shot back,” I always have to wait to see that wonderful smile of you…”


Again great character building here. It got a smile out of me (yes, I am stone faced person) and was very believable again.


“Okay, okay, let’s get going,” she said, raising her hands in surrender as she began to move for real that time.


I'm already starting to love these characters. :D



Overall thoughts:

I really like this first chapter. It's light hearted and introduces what I presume are the three main characters.
Will there be more? I do not know ... yet.

I do have some questions, which I presume will be answered the the coming chapters. One such question is were are they? Again, I still think they may be in an orphanage or maybe a boarding school, though that one seems unlikely.

Aria and Harry work great together as siblings and Daisy seems to be a sweet as well.
I look forward to learning more about them in the coming chapters.

I'll try to review again soon, though I get quite busy so it might be a day or two.


As always, never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

This review courtesy of Image




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!! :D

Hmmm...where they are is pretty central to this story...xD, it becomes pretty clear by like part two or three of this chapter so I'll hold off on saying anything ;)



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Tue Oct 12, 2021 3:22 pm
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AilahEvelynMae wrote a review...



Hi there, Ellie-Mae here for a quick review!

Wishing you a happy day/evening/morning/night/whatever is applicable to your part of the world! First off, please remember that my reviews are my own opinions :) I’ll give honest feedback, but nothing at all is intended to hurt or discourage you in any way at all! <3 So, without waiting any longer, let’s get right into it and digest the spectabulous piece of literary work!

Harry, I sure love this so far! I absolutely love it and I'm glad that there are so many more chapters for me to read too! Yay! Well anyways, this is off to a really good start. Your writing style and talent is just so good. I didn't feel bored at all the whole time and I am very intrigued to read more.

I love the relationships established so far. They feel real, like they would happen in real life. I can tell this is going to be really awesome, Harry :)

Sending hugs!
Ellie




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



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Tue Sep 07, 2021 5:44 am
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Phillauthet wrote a review...



Hi! I'm here for a review!

This is the first time I'm reviewing a story, sorry if it's not as nice as you'd like it.

First impressions
This scene felt like that perfect, lightly mysterious start that most authors give. Like everything isn't explained at once, it's discovered later on. I think you've pulled that effect off perfectly, congratulations!

Characters
Again here, the characters' full personalities aren't given fully at once. But I can see that Harry and Aria are siblings, Aria being older. I'm guessing they don't live with their parents, it's just a feeling. Harry is 15, Aria probably 2-3 years older. I love how you've brought that siblinglike banter into the story. I'm not sure about Daisy, yet.

Plot
There's not much of plot in this part. I get that you're trying to bring it in slowly, but I think you could give a teensy bit more plot here.

Setting
I love your descriptions. In the first stanza, the description is so good, I can feel the cold and the hardness of the bed. Even the description of the hall is really good.


You know exactly how many words you need, and how much is enough. Those are the marks of a really good writer.

Keep Writing!!!

Image




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



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Thu Aug 19, 2021 8:07 am
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Heyyyy HarryHardy!! Forever here with a review! Thought I should start from the very beginning.

Aria looked him up and down.

This kind of sounds weird, I think. Maybe just write Aria scrutinized him or keeping your words, write "Aria looked him from top to bottom." That up down thing kind of sounds a bit childish, not for a 15 year old.
"Okay…I'll believe you, but now, you do need to go get ready. You stink,” she said, wrinkling her nose.

Put a 'and' between go and get or maybe put a comma. Without those, the gap can't be understood. It feels rushed.
“Why you…” began Harry, but she ran off before he could complete his threat. Smiling to himself, Harry walked back into his room.

'...' should be replaced by '―' I think because he was cut in between by her sister leaving the room.
“Sure about tha…” began Aria but was cut off by Harry.

The same goes for this
[Harry]

Also, I want to know what is this doing in the very beginning. I am just a little bit confused about it's purpose.

Something which I feel missing is the description of the characters. The setting is quite good, I have to confess but I don't feel the characters are very fleshed out. At least in appearance, they feel blank. They have a good development in the emotional side but we need their appearance to imagine.

I have something more in my mind... Something eerie.
Daisy woke up before me? The world must be ending.

This kind of makes me assume it as a foreboding. Is something like that really gonna happen in the future? Hm.. suspicious indeed.

Overall, this was a humorous chapter and definitely a great start. You did a good job developing the psychological and emotional side of the characters and also the relationship between them. Seems like Aria is the elder sister of Harry and both care for each other. The relation between Harry and Diasy is subject to further confirmation. The story is definitely interesting and I am quite eager to know what this assignment is.

Keep Writing!

~Forever




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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Andrew is here to do some reviewing! Yes! I'm back in the reviewing game. I hope to be able to review all the chapters of this new story, but we shall see!
Overall, this is a good start, if a tiny bit rushed. I like what I can see of the characters, the largest complaint I can make overall is that it feels a bit informal and rushed for a first chapter. Normally in stories I expect a first chapter to really grab me and yank me in, and once I'm locked in, I'm onboard for banter and hanging about, but this one just kinda happens. I have no real reason to keep reading besides the fact that it is not hard to read. But like I said, this is a minor complaint, because by all means, it isn't a bore, it just isn't really exciting either. The questions about where they are and what place employees teenagers are keeping me reading, but very little else.
But into specifics!


He tried to squeeze as much warmth as he could from the threadbare blanket he was lying under. The cold steel plate that he called a bed felt like an ice cube against his back, offering no comfort against the chilly air in the room.
This description is great and made me cold just by reading it, though I am disturbed by a place that would make children sleep on metal. I would say though that the emboldened bit feels a bit clunky and could get even better.

[quoute] “That’s okay, sis,” he said, slowly sitting up in bed and returning the smile,” I should've kept that in mind.”’[/quote]
Oh harry, I guess I got back into the reviewing scene just to nitpick you about the quotation marks being one space off, but I will continue to be annoying about it
Here's a couple more
“No I’m not,” he said, attempting to sound offended,” how could you ever accuse me of that?”

“No you haven’t,” he shot back,” I always have to wait to see that wonderful smile of you…”

That's all of them... and oh my harry is coming on strong



Harry stretched as he clambered off his bed. It sounded like his entire body was breaking apart as his stiff joints cracked in unison. What I wouldn’t do for a mattress.

I believe that is technically a rhetorical question, so a question mark would be needed. But I may be wrong.
“Get yourself cleaned up and come to the hall, I’ll be waiting,” she said. She walked up to him and pressed a kiss onto his forehead before walking out.

Harry ran after her before she could leave and pulled her into a quick hug.

The timing here is clunky, I'd advise editing.

Sometimes he wondered if it had been attacked in its broken state, just to make them all feel worse.

Attacked?
“This is grave news indeed,” he said, a very serious look coming over his face,” I believe the world is going to end tomorrow.”

Quotation mark problem and he already made that joke in his head so it feels repetitive to say it out loud.

“Okay, okay, let’s get going,” she said, raising her hands in surrender as she began to move for real that time.

Clunky
But that's all just my two cents! Hope it helps!
I'm interested to see where this goes, and I like the romance... that'll be fun!
Thanks, and keep writing,
Andrew




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

xD hopefully the last few parts of chapter one manages to make up for this one being not so good at getting the attention of readers



KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

xD hopefully the last few parts of chapter one manages to make up for this one being not so good at getting the attention of readers



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SimonBolivia wrote a review...



This is an interesting beginning. So far the writing is engaging and introduces the characters well. It would be helpful if you could include some foreshadowing up until later on what the plot would be, introducing an objective earlier in the beginning of this portion of the story may be helpful. I liked reading about the playful dialogue between the brother and sister, and if this is continued throughout the other portions of this story then this would be helpful. It's quite hard to determine where they are located so maybe you can cover this aspect of the story to gain greater clarity.

Overall it was a good read and the details are good enough. I like how a friend "Daisy" already came to add some movement to this writing piece. The beginning does remind me of how someone would have trouble waking up to a new day so I think this detail was well included. I do think it could use some greater depth to what is happening or where exactly they are located to make the story more interesting. I think the plot has to be developed a bit more.

Overall very interesting though I do believe it could use some improvements. Great job and continue writing.




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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a really great first chapter. I have to say though, when I first read the title I expected something a little more...gruesome and world-ending? However this was so simple and sweet and it genuinely put a smile to my face.

You have built your characters very well, and the interactions between them give us an idea of their relationships and allows us to connect with these people. Harry does not seem like a regular teenager full of hormones and angst. In fact, he has this boyishness in him that makes him all the more adorable. He likes to joke around and have fun and he shares quite simple relationships with the people around him. You don't get to see that much in stories with teenage protagonists who have almost always been wronged somehow or are on the path to be the world's next big hero. It is quite refreshing to read a story with such a simple protagonist.

I love the relationship between the brother and sister. Their playful bantering is sweet and wholesome. Now, this might be an unpopular opinion though, but I found the relationship too good and smooth sometimes, especially during the first interaction. I am saying that because I have a brother the same age and I can vouch that fifteen year old boys do not hug their sisters, at least not without a purpose. Somehow your portrayal of the brother and sister has made me more hooked to the story. I want to see how their relationship plays out.

One thing, I like and appreciate, is that you do not waste your words much. You introduction is short and it pulls us right into the scene. Your descriptions are not over done - you give us just the right amount so that we can imagine the scene playing out in our minds. As a result you maintain a nice flow that is quite easy to follow.

Overall, this was a great beginning. We still don't know much about what is going on, or where they actually are, but I feel like you have set a really good story here and I am interested to read more about these characters.

Keep writing and have a great day!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



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fantasies says...



hii, i liked this!
maybe change some words and sentences up a little, but still….AMAZING WORK!
the brother-sister relationship is like me and my brother lol
unique personalities as well, i like that.
i also like how playful they are as siblings.
KEEP WRITING




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Rosewood wrote a review...



Hey, Rosewood here! 🌹

First off... I want to say how much I love this! The pacing, word choice, character interactions are all *chef's kiss*. From what I've read of yours, I always like the way you start a story with such realistic and vivid descriptions. I don't have much to say for suggestions, but I'll do my best to point out what I can!

Harry stretched as he clambered off his bed. It sounded like his entire body was breaking apart as his stiff joints cracked in unison. What I wouldn’t do for a mattress.


Ooh, I can almost hear this... the description is beautiful.

"Okay…I'll believe you, but now, you do need to go get ready. You stink,” she said, wrinkling her nose.

“I do not,” he shot back.

“Oh yes you do,” she said, pulling away and turning to leave.


I honestly adore their dialogue! As an older sister, this is literally how I communicate with my little brother.

He went about his morning routine as quickly as he could before rushing out five minutes later to head to the hall.


I'm not sure why exactly, but something about way this is phrased is a little weird, (but that's just my opinion, so feel free to ignore). Just as a suggestion, I'll offer "He went about his morning as quickly as he could, making it out to the hall only five minutes later."

Harry looked around, searching for his sister amidst the other people milling about. He nodded to the familiar faces that caught his eye until he spotted a very familiar head of flaming red hair. Daisy woke up before me? The world must be ending.


Again, I just love the clever ways you bring life and depth to your characters...!!

And that's pretty much it. I wish I could be more help, but that's just what I noticed. I can't wait to see what becomes of this- I'll be sure to check back!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi HarryHardy,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

This was a nice little start to your novel. I definitely liked the very relaxed tone chosen for the story here. Unlike the previous short stories I've read of yours, the story starts off very quietly and calmly to give the reader time to familiarise themselves with the characters.

I liked that as a reader you could quickly distinguish the characters. Based on your dialogues and banter, as well as the short moments of descriptions, I found it easy to already build up a certain sympathy for everyone. The fact that the serenity is still very high at the moment probably also shows how everyday life is going on there. I liked that you combined something ordinary with the unusual to achieve that effect.

I found the introduction a bit halting and felt that it didn't really allow the story to get going until the second paragraph. I think this had to do with the fact that the structure of the sentences was repetitive and so there was a pause after each sentence.

I really liked that you included descriptions to give the reader a clear picture. That's definitely a good start. :D

Some other points that caught my eye:

The cold steel plate that he called a bed felt like an ice cube against his back, offering no comfort against the chilly air in the room.

I like your description. It has an interesting undertone.

Aria looked him up and down.

Maybe it's just me, but that "up and down" sounds so weird in that sentence and think "Aria looked him from top to bottom." Sounds better there.

"fifteen year olds don't hug their sisters."

Good detail you give the reader here through this method.

Even though they called it a hall, the tiny room barely had any space making it feel cramped even with barely ten people milling about.

You use barely twice in the sentence. I would try to insert a synonym here.

An air conditioning unit attached to the roof was the only break in the monotony of the concrete box that was the hall. The air conditioning unit had been inoperational for as long as Harry could remember,

Here you repeat both sentences with almost the same wording. I would try to paraphrase a little bit here.

All in all, I thought it was a solid start to the story.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




KateHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!!




The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling.
— Fabienne Fredrickson