Andrew here with a review! Excited to be seeing the plans unfold and more of Arias's personality!
Mrs. Kane began with an introductory speech of sorts. Aria tuned it out and took a moment to look around the place. By the cracked concrete walls Aria could confirm beyond a doubt that it was definitely a repurposed storage room, probably one of the oldest ones judging by the fact that even the locks were being controlled by them on command. There was no way that the basic technology they had access to could be jerry rigged to operate anything more recent.
Glad to be getting a description
There were several very strategically placed lights that were helping light the place,
placed lights lighting the place sounds clunky, placed lights brightening the room? or some other different versions of the sentence
"So the four of us discussed this at length and came up with three numbers for the teams. Now the three numbers will require three separate types of plans but they're all going to be equally as effective so we thought we’d leave it up to you guys to decide. Now the numbers are 22,17 and 5. So please raise your hand and tell us which number you would prefer. One at a time.”
Wait, this seems really skimmed over, can we get a more detailed explanation of what's happening here?
I admit, It may be my idiocy, but on my first pass over this it took me a bit to understand that the numbers were the number of people on the mission... not like an assigned number or something else.
I think that might extend from my biggest problem with this chapter, which is that there are a fair amount of missing commas and run-on sentences so it's hard to keep track of what's going on.
Here are some examples
The five that will be selected shortly will be carrying the hopes of all of humanity on them when they set out on their mission so being petty and jealous of them is not going to be an option
to choose the people that will be embarking on perhaps the most dangerous thing that you’ll ever do in your life but since you’re all here, I’m sure it's also the thing you’ve most wanted to do for a long time,
She was then jolted out of her thoughts by everyone starting to clap and she turned back towards the stage to hear the last few words of the speech
I'd advise doing some line editing here to make it easier to read and more grammatically correct.
But that's just my two cents!
At this point Aria tuned out the speech from her mother. I hope she doesn’t go on for an hour. Such a pointless task. As if humans would ever unite with no strings attached. She looked around to see if there was any face that could prove her point.
Gad to see you are not forgetting that humans, however awesome, are often selfish. Something I think can be forgotten when writing stuff like this.
Thanks, and keep writing!
-Andrew
Points: 34
Reviews: 178
Donate