Young Writers Society

Hi! I am Ari, proud daughter and servant of King Christ Jesus! Today, I am going to review your amazing song! I think for the most part, it was pretty good. I admire how you threw so much emotion into this,where online, ANYBODY could tell you what you feel is ¨invalid¨ or ¨ wrong¨. You are very brave. That is a great quality in people, especially writers. Everything that we write comes from our hearts and if it doesn´t, then our work is just cheesy or cliché. However, there were a couple minor problems that I caught. I know you caught this, but I am going to point it out anyway. Songs usually rhyme and follow a pattern or beat. This song doesn´t. In fact, its not really a song to me, its more like a poem with alot of repetition. Although, songs DO repeat themselves alot, don´t they? This is what makes your song more song-like! How could I have not caught that! Nobody´s perfect I guess! *Feels better about self* But really, overall this is amazing, though it has it´s flaws. Have an AMAZING day/night! Jesus loves you!!!

Until The End
-Ari

Hi! Dragon here for a review!

Well. If I'm supposed to be honest, it sounds like a teenaged version of MCR wrote this. Not that that's bad, it's just because of how angsty this is.
As for nitpicks, I couldn't find any particular ones except for one:
"... their past life"
It seems like you put 'life' in to keep up with the beat. I'm looking at this from a very logical point of view: very rarely, in fact; practically everyone doesn't remember anything about their "past life". Of course, I understand you mean this as the past of their lives, but a very simple-minded person will put you down for it - that person might possibly be me lol.

For the message itself, you're targetting a very common, yet sensitive subject, but you do it in quite a direct way. Although, personally, I wouldn't resort to writing depressing stuff - I tend write some more humourous things to make myself feel better - I wouldn't really recommend writing for venting. It's honestly quite overrated, though bottling your emotions within isn't that good either. My advice: eat your spaghetti to forgetti your regretti. But on a serious note, I suggest you try writing more happier and funnier things, I've found it works pretty well. Or just watch vine compliations on YouTube.

Before we go completely off-topic, I think the song itself is great, the message is hard-hitting and effective and it would be a good idea to upload a backing track of sorts to improve the reading experience.

Also, your writing isn't bad, I'd say it's much better than mine. Additionally, you write a lot about depressing subjects. Try going a bit on the bright side!
I hope my review helped in some way!

Heya, DemonGoddess! GooseLuck here to do a review for you! Let's take flight, shall we?


The first thing that I noticed about this song was the repetition. Sometimes repetition can be a bad thing, sometimes repetition can be a good thing, and sometimes it's just there. If it's either the primary one or the latter one, then it's something that needs worked on.

Repeating choruses sometimes work, well, mainly work in the right hands. But repeating just the end of a line a few times, then trying to make it rhyme make it lean on the primary side, and that's something that could be worked on. You could cut out the second repetition piece and lose nothing of your emotion nor feelings a reader gets from this.

The next thing is your blatant story telling. You would rather say it out right than describe it, and that's something I felt you could work better on. Try describing the scene, give us more to work with than an absolute statement that's stuck forever. Anyway, onward.

The final thing is pretty much the language and phrasing. It just seems so stiff and formal, something I didn't find suited for a song, rather more suited for an essay or something of the like. Let loose, be creative, have fun with it.

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, GooseLuck!

Legacy here for a review.

"People breath icy breaths." should be "People breathe icy breaths." because of grammar.

"they die from a death". I don't understand this line. It's pretty redundant and could just be taken out and not affect the song too much.

I do love the concept and you do have good structure. Keep writing. Legacy.

Kara!

Biggest whine out of the way: "When you hit someone / they die from a death." TWITCH. TWITCH. ANIME TWITCH.

I will admit that I had a bit of trouble pinning down the rhythm of the song, but using elongated phrases the way Hayley Williams from Paramore chooses to, I could make some sense of it. I'm looking forward to hearing the melody...but I doubt I'll go looking for you on musical.ly--sorry. xD I respect boundaries a bit too much. I do encourage you to share, though! Or if you know the chords you'd put on this, do let me know! That'd give me a huge insight!

Oddly enough, I was able to make this tempo work in 4/4 and I was able to make it work in 6/8 (or 3/4 depending on how you see the world or how technical you want to be.)

Did you intend for it to be fast or slow? And really, this should've gone first, I'm very sorry if this came from personal experience. I know this is shared by many, including me, but no one deserves this. Keep your chin up and keep writing killer songs.

I hope this helps,
Ty

First time reviewing lyrics of any sort, so let's give it a shot!

There's immediately a glaring issue in my way. I don't know how it's meant to be read. There are issues in flow which I will point out, with certain words containing too many syllables to make the lyrics flow without being rigid, but since I don't know what it sounds like, I can't be sure if my criticism is valid!

Anyway, I'll judge what can be judge, and what I believe to be of lesser quality than the rest. Simply put, I'll point out what I think can still be improved.

At the beginning, the three repeating lines seem to flow well. Single-syllable words, as you'll notice, work quite well! However, you didn't keep to it a bit later on. "Gay, les, homo" doesn't sound good because "homo" contains two syllables. That might be rigid. Might not.

That applies to all literary pieces relying on flow. Keeping the syllable count consistent is crucial. That goes for poetry as well.

Refrain 1 seems fine. Can't find any huge issues that need to be mentioned. If I missed something, hopefully other reviewers compensate.

Then there's the line "they'll die from a death." That seems like an odd choice of words to me. Just pointing that out.

Overall, seems alright to me! Again, I don't know what it sounds like, but I'd be delighted to hear it. Send me a link, even via PM if necessary, and I'd gladly listen to it.

It's not nearly as dark as I've heard other songs go, by the way, and I've heard some messed up songs. You'd be surprised at the sheer depressing, melancholic, nihilistic thoughts certain songs can invoke. I avoid those at all costs.


Note:
Also, avoid self-deprecation. You're probably way better at writing than you think, just as I'm probably somewhat better looking than I think. I say this because I know what it feels like to be compelled to lower other peoples' expectations of you, and because I know how much positive affirmation actually means. Too much affirmation is bad, but a little can actually help you achieve things you may deem impossible now!

Keep writing.