z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language Violence Mature Content

Prologue

by JaymeBurrows


Marik, an old Valnierian dwarf, pulled through the shell of ice around his feet. His graying beard was stiff with bits of frozen sky and his worn, calloused hands were an angry cold pink. Nothing new to the old man but unpleasant nonetheless. 

The stinging bits of ice and snow created a veil in front of him so thick he couldn't see the ground only inches ahead. However the dwarf had walked the same path between his small cabin and a fishing spot  just beyond the wood for more than twelve years. He had lived in the valley for many years. Alone and depending only upon the lake. From this lake came the fish he ate and the water he drank. The fur that covered his body and kept him warm was received from the thirsty animals straying for a drink.

As he walked, the wind screamed past him, carrying the faintest sound, a cry of a child he was sure. Easily drowned by the wailing screech of the passing gusts. At first, he brushed it off as a trick of his mind, yet  there it was again! 

Marik stopped and strained his ears, hoping for it to be just an illusion, just a lie of paranoia, but there it came. How could it be possible? The nearest house was a half a days journey from his cottage, yet the wail of a child was carried to Marik over the winds. The dwarf shoved his lamp forward, taking an earnest step. A child alone in the blizzarding mountains would perish before dark. To Marik's frustration, he couldn't tell where the child was. The winds seemed to toss its cries to and fro in every direction.

Burning panic rose in Marik's throat. What if he couldn't find the child? What if when he did, it was already frozen through? What if.. what if.. 

With his mind racing, the old man stumbled forward, his feet catching under a layer of frozen snow. His aged legs gave away underneath him and Marik fell, slamming into the snow. His hands stung with cold blistering spears of ice. He groaned quietly, pulling himself up and onto his knees, sitting still in the frozen landscape to catch his breath. Everything was blank white. Flying bits of ice stung his face and his throat burned with the searing cold of each breath. Even his eyelashes were encrusted with frigid specks of white. And had Marik not looked down at that exact moment, he surely would have missed the tiny  bundle just in front of him. 

Without hesitating, the dwarf pulled the bundle into his arms, holding it close to his chest.  The man looked only for a moment and big silver eyes met his own, blue lips quivering under frozen ears.

How had this child gotten here? No trace of people passing or leaving the child. He didn't care. His only concern was getting the tiny creature to warmth before they both froze through.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
364 Reviews

Points: 15630
Reviews: 364

Donate
Thu Oct 26, 2017 9:03 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, JaymeBurrows! Welcome to YWS! It’s Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside...

STOP! Grammar time!



I'm just going to mark the ones I can with red because I'm too lazy to write explanations.

However the dwarf had walked the same path between his small cabin and a fishing spot{ }just beyond the wood for more than twelve years. He had lived in the valley for many years.


yet{ }there it was again!


half a day's


he surely would have missed the tiny{ }bundle just in front of him.


However, the dwarf had walked the same path between his small cabin and a fishing spot just beyond the wood for more than twelve years.


Suggestions:



I would make this chapter longer, to get a better feel of Marik and the situation. Also, YWSers tend to not read prologues and epilogues, so keep that in mind as you continue to write.

His hands stung with cold blistering spears of ice


I would change this to "His hands were cold blistering spears of ice" to create a metaphor.

Last thing: Marik is very cliché. He's the old and wise mentor who finds a child and takes them in. This is a very common cliché that I've seen in many books.

Confusing things:



N/A, other than what the heck is a Valnierian dwarf?

Other comments, reactions, and fangirling:



No other comments, reactions, or fangirling.

Overall:



Overall, this was good with plenty of great detail, but it was too short for my taste. However, I still reviewed it, so :3 keep up the great work

Give me your soul --

Kara

Image


This review courtesy of
Image




User avatar


Points: 64
Reviews: 3

Donate
Wed Oct 25, 2017 5:15 am
Aleleekhall says...



This is great so far. It is extremely interesting and has just the right amount of detail. The only problem that I have seen so far are minor grammar issues, mainly with commas. All of those problems seem to have also been covered in other reviews. I am looking forward to reading more.




User avatar
77 Reviews

Points: 1812
Reviews: 77

Donate
Mon Oct 23, 2017 8:03 pm
KaiRyu wrote a review...



*Waves* HoI there, KaiRyu here for a review! ^-^ I haven't done this in a while, so please bear with me...

"However the dwarf had walked the same path between his small cabin and a fishing spot just beyond the wood for more than twelve years." After the word "however" I feel like there should be a comma.
"As he walked, the wind screamed past him, carrying the faintest sound, a cry of a child he was sure." I have no idea what it is about this sentence, but it seems to just throw me off... I think it's because of a grammatical error, but I can't pinpoint it.
"His hands stung with cold blistering spears of ice." I believe there should be a comma after "cold."

Alrighty, now that the nitpicking section of the review is over, let's get into the more flowy abstract details of the story! :P First of all, why was Marik traveling on that path in the first place in a snow storm? If he was going fishing, then shouldn't he have had supplies with him?
Secondly, I honestly don't believe the setting was described very well. The snow and the blizzard was described beautifully, an easy ten out of ten! However, everything else was very vague. I don't know if this was because you wanted the reader to feel near blind because of the storm, but there should at least be some other sort of description or else it all seems repetitive. At least to me it does...

Overall, this was a pretty interesting read, and I can't wait for the next chapters to be finished! :D Be bold, be daring, and keep up the great work!




User avatar


Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate
Tue Oct 17, 2017 4:38 am
View Likes
Till says...



Hey! So far so good, just a few minor issues with grammar/phrasing:

"The stinging bits of ice and snow created a veil in front of him and he couldn't see the ground only inches ahead."
would flow better as: "... created a veil in front of him so thick that he couldn't see..."

" How could it be possible." Should have a question mark instead of a period.

"...down the mountain and yet the wail..." would flow better if you replace the "and" with a comma.

"The winds seemed to toss it's cries..." "it's" is a contraction of "it is", and should be "its" here.

I probably missed some things but it's good so far! Can't wait to read more :)




JaymeBurrows says...


I appreciate the review. I always love improving it




Anything's possible if you've got enough nerve.
— J.K. Rowling