Young Writers Society

This piece of work is exactly what we need to realize in the world today thank you for it.

I really liked your poem! I like how you connected it to real life problems of religion. The detail is also really helpful in showing the emotions of the character in the story. One thing, I know it isn't a big deal, but it might help the reader if you had correct punctuation and capitalisation so that the reader knows where a new sentence starts, or where he/she should take a pause. The poem is a little bit unclear in a few spots. I really love the irony in your poem. For the title, I don't know the main idea of your poem so I can't really give any good suggestions. But, if you follow the guidelines of: The title vaguely contains the entire poem. e.g. if the poem is this:

bubbles, bubbles
floating through the air
Bursting in the rain,
and splattering in your hair.

(Sorry, that poem was bad)

well, if that was the poem, you know what it's about, popping bubbles in the rain. So, you could make the title something that included something about rain, popping or bubbles.

Your poem, is long and has more details. That can make it harder for you to make a title. I would suggest brainstorming a list of ideas and trying all of them out. Read them out loud. It might look stupid but it works. You can make your title from something about death, loneliness, grief, etc. Whatever describes your entire poem in very few words.

hope my review helps!

Hi Mage!
Since I'm not good with introductions (which is probably why half my work isn't read) and since you are not in front of me to reply to my polite and courteous greeting , I shall head straight to the review.

light a candle in mourning
for the ravaged earth
its life ironically being drained
by the ones it provides for

light a candle in mourning
for the torn rainbow flag
its stripes ripped by cold hands
that belong to those who have never cared

light a candle in mourning
for the shattered girl
who was accused of being a terrorist
because freedom of religion never applied to her

light a candle in mourning
for the broken world
optimistic for a bright future
but spiraling down into darkness

Hello pirtateslife4me here

I must say i am not one for poem reading or the idea of funerals because they creep me out hella bad but this is dramatic.

Keep the title the way it is because it fits.

Plus i love the repeat of the first line every time i do write poems i tend to do that, with mine or you could use the say first letter and go from there.

Keep up the good work

A very good poem! I like the way the plot drifts, especially the strong imagery you use.

The repetition felt a bit... lazy, though.

My suggestion is, try to make it starts with different lines. I feel that some of the mystery and hook is a bit lost with starting every stanza with the same line.

Maybe keep the first and last light a candle in the morning, then move onto something else you'd do in the morning but round it all back together at the end

Heya, Mage! It's Lupa here for a rare review. O_o (They almost never happen these days.) All jokes aside, let's get to it!

1) The last line of the second stanza seems a bit awkward to me. Maybe you could say "belonging to the ones who have never cared". Either way, you can use your own choice, but the wording is clunkier than the rest of the stanza.

2) I feel the third stanza lacks a little information--why is the child crying? Why is he/she searching for a shelter? Are they homeless, or a refugee? I know it's hard to put so many things in a few short lines, but I believe you can make it work. <3

3) As a whole, your poem has three short lines in each stanza and a longer line at the end. There's a lot of hanging syllables in that one line. Try to even things out a bit in some stanzas--maybe not all, but some.

It's hard to review something like this! It's amazing, Mage, and I really enjoyed reading it. It's great that you're bringing light to these things that need attention. Once again, good job on your piece, and keep writing!

XOX,
Lupa22

Greetings Mage from the After Watch shift. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

I'm kinda here to clean the green room and also because a year or so ago, I never finished a review request you sent me. I really like to settle all debts so here this goes.

Title and the Beginnings.
It's smart enough to catch my eye for long enough to make it to at least the first stanza. It makes me wonder how dark or light that you're gonna go with it, because I could really expect this going every which way of depressing. Author's Notes at the top are generally distracting to me because I like to look the work over before hearing what the writer wants out of the critique. So it might be a good idea to move that towards the bottom to have it as more of reflection questions.

Repetition.
Though the overall feeling of this is pretty good and leaves some similarities between each stanza, it starts to snag a bit after stanza 5. There's not really a restating that I know of that carries the same emotions but you could play around with some re-ordering. One such example that I came up with is in the quote below.

a candle is lit for the mourning

its life ironically being drained
by the ones it provides for