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Young Writers Society



The Three Lockets [Chapter 10.2]

by Mageheart


Author's Note: I binge wrote this chapter before school today, so I apologize if the ending is a little rushed - I just wanted to get past this part of the novel. Hopefully it's not too bad, but I'll definitely rewrite that part in the second draft. 

Words: 1,786

Last Line(s): “Let's go inside, my little star,” he said, but she had to think really hard to understand what was being said. Her eyelids started to close, and she snuggled more into his shirt. As they stepped out of the cool night air and into the warmth of her home, she could no longer stay awake. Her grip on his shirt loosened, and the world descended into a comforting darkness.

Her eyes flickered open as light streamed in through an unfamiliar window. For the first few moments that followed her waking up, Cass felt deeply disorientated. She groggily stared at the room around her; she was too distracted by her oddly realistic dream to try recalling the events of the day before. But as her gaze landed on the nightstand beside the strange bed and saw the golden locket glistening in the sun's rays, her memories returned.

She sat up.

She absentmindedly reached out for the locket and slipped it on. She watched it rise and fall with her chest, then started the tedious process of getting ready for the day. The clothes she had worn during her brief excursion out into town lay folded on the end of the bed. She wasted no time in slipping them on. Once she was dressed, she walked over to the mirror in the corner of the room. A yawn and messy bedhead greeted her.

She studied her appearance.

After that dream, seeing herself felt oddly unnatural. She felt like she should have been looking at someone else in the mirror—someone much smaller, with dark, dark hair and purple eyes that eagerly peered out at the world from a scaly face. She raised a hand up and touched her smooth, warm cheek. A jolt of excitement raced through her as she continued to look herself over.

That hadn't just been a dream. That had been one of Aldonius's childhood memories! A grin began to spread across her face. Remembering one of her dreams had to mean something important. Her grin faded ever so slightly when she realized Aldonius had likely started retaining her memories too. It was an uncomfortable thing to realize; he was still a stranger to her, and after lying to her...

The smile completely disappeared.

She turned her attention away from her reflection and sought out her hiking bag. It didn't take long for her to pull out a portable toothbrush and hairbrush. Returning to the mirror, she did the two ordinary tasks—which now felt downright bizarre when being done on another world. As she pulled her brush through knot after knot, she tried to keep her mind off of Aldonius and her most recent dream. She needed to think more about how to return home. Even though ending up on this world was an amazing experience, she just wanted to return to the comfort of Earth and their little, quiet town.

But her mind was stubborn, and it refused to switch tracks. 

She had just seen the world through Aldonius's eyes. And as she thought back to the memory, she felt a strange mix of happiness and sadness settle in her chest. Her nonexistent smile turned into a frown. Childhood memories were supposed to be treasured. So why did she—why did Aldonius—feel so much regret whenever the memory came to mind?

Her question remained unanswered as she heard a knocking on the door. She returned her toothbrush, toothpaste and hairbrush back to her bag, then went to go open the door. Aspen was leaning up against the doorway, her messy hair thrown into an equally messy ponytail. Despite clearly having just gotten out of bed, Aspen looked good. Cass felt her heart skip a beat as her best friend slipped into her temporary room. 

“Morning, Cassie,” Aspen said. 

“Good morning,” she replied.

Though Aspen honestly looked like she was still half-asleep, her tone suddenly switched from casual to serious. “Are you feeling better now that you've gotten some sleep?” she asked. She looked Cass over. Her gaze lingered on her neat hair, then slowly traveled to the hiking bag in the corner of the room.

Cass let out a quiet sigh. “I think so.”

Aspen grinned and slung her arm around her shoulder. “That's great!” She gestured at the door with a nod of her head. “I saw Lira on my way over. She said her dad had already taken care of getting breakfast for us—they have professional cooks, Cassie! I haven't been somewhere fancy in ages.” 

A small smile began to creep across her face. “What if the food is different than what we're used to?”

“Then it'll be an adventure,” Aspen declared.

Now a giggle was threatening to break free.

Aspen looked aghast when she heard the very beginnings of Cass's laugh. “Do you not believe me?” she asked, dramatically throwing one hand on her chest. “I'm very, very offended, Cassie. I thought...I thought you trusted my culinary instincts more!”

Cass couldn't hold it in any longer. She started to giggle as Aspen made her reaction more and more exaggerated, to the point where she had taken a step back and was staring at her with a look of mock horror on her face. She knew that Aspen was trying to get her to laugh, and she gladly went with it. After everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours, she certainly needed it. 

When her laughter finally died down, Aspen led her through the seemingly endless maze of hallways to a dining room with an absolutely enormous table. Three spots had been laid out, but it was nearly impossible to make them out among the array of breakfast dishes. Aldonius must have known what was what; when she sat down, she instinctively grabbed for foods she didn't even know the name of. 

Lira eventually joined them, though she ate far less than Cass and Aspen did. When they all finished eating, they were led into Mr. Ream's office, where they were then directed to go to the mayoral laboratory for tests to be done on the lockets. Cass and Aspen sat on cold metal tables as groups of magical scientists inspected every inch of the lockets. When that seemed to provide no answers, they moved onto asking the two friends question after question about their lives.

Aspen gladly told them everything she could think of, but Cass barely offered more than a few words. She knew that it was supposed to help them return home, but her heart—or maybe her soul—was telling her that this was not how the lockets were meant to be treated. They were sacred and special, and were never meant to be studied as strange little trinkets.

After lunch, the two were given their freedom. They wandered through the streets of Rey and observed the multitude of sights, though the experience was dampened by the addition of a mayoral guard. Aspen was sure it was to protect them, but Cass knew it was to protect everyone else from her—Rodet, undoubtedly, had told the mayor and the king about what had happened in the streets the night before.

They returned home at the cusp of dusk, and ate another hearty meal before being given free reign once more. Aspen disappeared off into the hallways with little explanation, and Cass found herself slipping back out in the darkness of Rey's streets at night. There were no notable incidents this time around. And no matter where she looked, she was unable to find Aldonius.

She returned a short time later, said her good nights, and then went to bed. Another memory came to her as she slept. This time, Aldonius was a couple years older, and he was begging his father to stop working for just one minute—his dad hadn't played with him in over a week, and he just wanted to spend time with him again. 

This cycle repeated itself for the next two weeks. Each day that passed made Cass grow more restless and Aspen grow more thrilled. She loved exploring new places, and didn't care about being poked and prodded by strangers. Cass spent her time sitting on that cold metal bench dreaming of her bedroom and her home, of her cute little town that she never wanted to leave, and of the way that she had always been the invisible one in the room. Now everyone kept looking at her when they walked through the mayor's building and the streets of Rey, and every brief meeting with Rodet made her fear that he'd attack her again. Even Lira tried her best to avoid her when Aspen was off on one of her nightly escapades.

The one person who might have truly understood her was nowhere to be found. No matter how many times she peeked into his favorite tavern or one of the nearby inns, she couldn't see the unforgettable face of her future contracted. She desperately needed to talk to him and get answers, but she was beginning to suspect that he had left the night they had their conversation. 

On the dawn of their fifteenth day in Rey, Cass awoke with two things in mind: what she was sure was a very recent memory of Aldonius returning to his home, and the realization that the sessions with Rey's most brilliant minds were getting them nowhere. As she stood in front of the mirror like she had each morning for the past two weeks, Cass let out a heavy sigh and imagined the trees she had seen swaying in Aldonius's memory.Their leaves had all been shades of magenta and violet; she hadn't seen anything quite like them in Rey, and not back in her little New England town.

Wherever his home was, it was certainly beautiful.

She slowly ran her brush through her bedhead. Maybe today would be the day they would finally start making progress. Her free hand fiddled with the locket dangling above her chest. Rey was suffocating her. She hated she was being treated like a prisoner, though it was all under the guise of doing it for her well-being. They all loved Aspen, but she was the girl with the darkness magic and Telorum's golden locket-

Her eyes widened in her reflection.

She looked down at the locket, then back up at the mirror. Rey didn't have answers because it knew nothing about the lockets. Rey's scientists were learning about them from scratch. But Telorum had originally made the lockets and used them.

Though it had likely been a very long time since their creation, wouldn't someone there understood how they worked? It was an idea that she couldn't take lightly. She knew that Telorum was ruled by an evil king; the amount of times he had been mentioned in the past two weeks had given her plenty of evidence. But, God, she actually had an idea on how to get back home.

And when she tried to imagine what Telorum looked like, her mind immediately conjured the multiple memories of swaying magenta and violet trees. 

Telorum would give her the answers that she needed.

She was sure of it.


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Tue Dec 25, 2018 11:03 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Ohhhhh, it was a dream of Cass'. At least, I expect that last bit was a dream of Cass'. Which then makes me think that maybe this person is actually Cass' contracted and that she's wrong about Aldonius or something, since we know the...contractee gets the contracted's memories, but I don't know. We don't even know who this person is. Then again, we're in a whole separate world where theoretically no one should know who Cass and Aspen are at all, yet they do.

Okay so does this mean Aldonius is trans or? Although I'm not even sure I remember what Aldonius looks like, but I also don't recall him having scales and fangs and wings??? But then again he was kind of robed when we saw him, I'm pretty sure.

She looked down at the locket, then back up at the mirror. Rey didn't have answers because it knew nothing about the lockets. Rey's scientists were learning about them from scratch. But Telorum had originally made the lockets and used them.


Okay tbh I'm wishing either of them had had this epiphany several chapters ago. I think pacing is the biggest weakness with this story so far, partly because Cass spends so much time in her head and partly because so much time is spent on...nothing? Like I was feeling it in the last chapter (and then forgot to mention it, of course), but it was really highlighted in this chapter when, like, Cass was brushing her teeth and stuff. On the one hand, I get that "but don't they ever brush their teeth on epic quests/where do they use the bathroom/etc" are sort of classic questions about fantasies in particular, but on the other hand I think there's a *reason* we never see that, and the reason is that, if the characters have access to the tools for those sorts of things, it's boring.

So on the one hand I'm glad we got this epiphany because now I really feel like things are going to start moving forward, but on the other hand it took too long to get here and involved too much filler and interiority.




Mageheart says...


Okay so does this mean Aldonius is trans or?


I admit I didn't even think of how that might be interpreted. I was trying to write it from Cass's perspective, since she perceives it as a memory. So whenever Aldonius gets Cass's memories, those dreams would be written with male pronouns instead. I'll definitely try to clarify that in future drafts!

Although I'm not even sure I remember what Aldonius looks like, but I also don't recall him having scales and fangs and wings???


You're right on him not having them when Cass meets him! I'm not sure if this veers into spoiler territory so I won't say anymore, but I might have to elaborate on that in the future so it's not as confusing.

Okay tbh I'm wishing either of them had had this epiphany several chapters ago.


Me too.

I don't know why, but pacing's just been so difficult with this novel. Most of my stories tend to go too fast and not the other way around, but I guess I'm still trying to adjust to Cass and the other characters. Luckily Orpheus - who has his origins in a Minecraft fanfiction I wrote years ago - and Kartiel - who has several different versions from, coincidentally, another Minecraft fic and some storybooks - are characters I feel really comfortable with. I think I either need to flesh Cass out or set her groundwork down a little more clearly so I can understand how to write her better.



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Sat Dec 15, 2018 11:24 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hey, Mage! Back again to review.

Small Comments

For the first few moments that followed her waking up, Cass felt deeply disorientated. She groggily stared at the room around her; she was too distracted by her oddly realistic dream to try recalling the events of the day before.


You're saying she's groggy here, but I don't think you're really showing it. Try to get more into the specifics of how grogginess affects you; gummed eyelashes, aching head, bleariness, the world seeming all smudgy. Keep your eyes on the details.

That hadn't just been a dream. That had been one of Aldonius's childhood memories!


Is this referring to the scene from the last chapter? But that would mean she was dreaming about a girl, which Aldonius certainly isn't (unless we're going to find out that Aldonius is trans or something). She also mentions expecting to see scales on her face, so it certainly doesn't seem like she was dreaming from Aldonius's perspective.

I'm guessing that means he's not her contracted after all. But why hasn't she noticed that? Why would she assume she was experiencing Aldonius's childhood memories when the person she became in the dream looks nothing like him?

So why did she—why did Aldonius—feel so much regret whenever the memory came to mind?

Her question remained unanswered as she heard a knocking on the door.


I don't like this bit. Considering that the question was internal, it's obviously not going to get answered, and you can show it being unanswered simply by...not answering it. If you just cut straight to 'Someone knocked on the door' I think the scene would feel far cleaner.

Despite clearly having just gotten out of bed, Aspen looked good. Cass felt her heart skip a beat as her best friend slipped into her temporary room.


"Close friends" indeed.

Also, I'm just going to reiterate that the 'best friend' label feels so clunky, especially this far into the story. I've never been fond of it, not even in the early chapters, but we know Cass and Aspen are best friends by this point. There's no need to keep labouring the point.

Aldonius must have known what was what; when she sat down, she instinctively grabbed for foods she didn't even know the name of.


I like this detail.

When they all finished eating, they were led into Mr. Ream's office, where they were then directed to go to the mayoral laboratory for tests to be done on the lockets. Cass and Aspen sat on cold metal tables as groups of magical scientists inspected every inch of the lockets. When that seemed to provide no answers, they moved onto asking the two friends question after question about their lives.


Wow, I feel like you gloss over a lot of interesting stuff incredibly quickly. I'd have liked to see you delve into this a bit more.

She knew that it was supposed to help them return home, but her heart—or maybe her soul—was telling her that this was not how the lockets were meant to be treated. They were sacred and special, and were never meant to be studied as strange little trinkets.


Yeah, you should definitely have expanded on this scene. I'm just imagining Cass losing control on her magic when she sees scientists treating the lockets in a particular way - completely random idea, obviously not something you'd have to go with, but it would be a way to get more out of this series of events. It really doesn't feel like something that should be passed over at such a distance.

Rey was suffocating her. She hated she was being treated like a prisoner, though it was all under the guise of doing it for her well-being. They all loved Aspen, but she was the girl with the darkness magic and Telorum's golden locket-


The pacing of this chapter is too quick for me to really believe this. I'm going to leave my picky comments here, because I think the flaws in this chapter are more just general problems, better addressed in the overall thoughts.

Overall Thoughts

I get the sense that you already know this, but the pacing is really wild in this chapter. It's far, far too fast, and even though I'll glad that Cass (finally!) has a proper goal to pursue, it doesn't feel like she's arrived at that goal naturally. Her motivations have been forced in and brewed up only in this half-chapter. And while it does make perfect sense in principle for Cass to want to go to Telorum, I think you've disregarded some really salient motivations in favour of weaker ones.

Let's talk about the pacing in general, then. One of my biggest concerns is that the acclimatisation, the world building, the exploration of Rey - all of it is being done at a distance in this chapter. You tell us that Cass and Aspen go sightseeing, but we get no detail as to what they see and how they react to it, so you're leaving the reader behind. I want to see Rey as well! I want to get used to this setting alongside them. I want to get frustrated alongside Cass, because only then will I truly share in her motivation to leave.

Obviously you can't describe every tiny moment, but we need to get a flavour of this world somewhere. The more I read of the story, the more adamant I am that Lira should be introduced later. You need a plot-relevant excuse for Cass and Aspen to navigate this unfamiliar setting, and you will not find one for as long as they are under Lira's wing. Because they're safe and sound with a makeshift home to go back to, any exploration they do becomes sightseeing and fairly trivial - as it is in this chapter. But if Cass and Aspen had had to survive Rey on their own for several days before they met Lira, we'd have got to see them interact with so many more facets of the setting. They could've faced hostility, social misunderstandings, prejudice because of their lockets - there'd have been plenty of opportunity for suspense and illustration of Rey's culture. I said it in the last chapter; Lira is their safety net. Never give your characters a safety net straight off the bat.

That brings to mind the second book in the His Dark Materials trilogy, which I've definitely mentioned to you before. The opening chapter of that book sees the young protagonist, Will Parry, accidentally kill a man, then stumble across a doorway to another world. Will's exploration of that other world - a silent, abandoned city - is absolutely fantastic, precisely because it combines suspense with development of the setting. He's not just roaming the city for enjoyment; he's exploring it because he needs a hiding place.

With that said, I'll talk more specifically about Cass's motivations. Wanting to know how the lockets work isn't a bad goal for her, but I just don't think it's personal enough. It would work so much better if I actually believed that Cass wanted to get home, but you haven't really committed to that. I know nothing about her family; I don't even remotely get the sense that she wants to come home to them. That's the missing link. If you really made a point of how alienated and out-of-sorts Cass feels in this universe, how much she misses her family, how desperately she wants to return to normality - then I could understand why she'd voyage into an 'evil' kingdom to find answers. Right now? She's just not desperate enough.

You've got all the right ingredients. Lira mistrusts her because of her magic. Rodet is outright hostile towards her. She's in a universe she's not familiar with. She's being probed for information about the lockets and her family. She's been roped into a magical contract with a fallen god. She has an absolute mountain of reasons to want to escape this universe, but I don't think you're pulling them together and leaning hard enough on them. You cannot simultaneously have Cass act like being in Rey is a happy adventure yet also want to get home. If it was me, I'd honestly just make her miserable. Make her hate being here, make her fear for her safety, make her absolutely desperate to get home. And then have her go to Telorum because she really believes it's the only way to achieve that goal.

I feel like you can get more out of the connection to Aldonius, as well. It could be really cool if she told herself that she wants to go to Telorum to find out more about the lockets, but actually she just wants an excuse to find him again. The connection to Aldonius remains the most interesting part of this story - even if I'm questioning whether he really is her contracted now.

I'm sorry this has been such a harsh review. I'm only being harsh because I know this story has this capacity to be amazing - it just feels like you're not making the most of some of your plot points and you're not committing to having a character feel a certain way. Like I say, the ingredients are all there. I just feel like you need to be consistent with Cass's attitudes. She can't just be desperate to get home when it suits the plot - it needs to be a constant thing that permeates all of her behaviour, even if it manifests in different ways from day to day. Does that make sense?

I am, however, incredibly glad that Cass has a personal goal in mind now. I'm super excited to see her voyage out to Telorum and meet Kartiel. I'm also growing more intrigued about this contracted stuff, because it really doesn't seem to me that Cass is dreaming about Aldonius's life. Perhaps he isn't her contracted after all. Or perhaps Aldonius has existed in many forms and we just don't know that yet - I suspect there's a lot more to him than meets the eye.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




Mageheart says...


Thanks for your review! I admit I was definitely expecting pacing to be brought up in this chapter. I honestly think I'll need a major overhaul of the first chapters of this novel when I do the second draft. It's hard to tell now because the story hasn't (unfortunately) gotten far enough, but the entire beginning is meant to be quick. I'll probably ask you about this once the story is closer to being done, but I'm thinking the first chapters should be shorter so I can draw this particular part of the story out more.

The next chapter should hopefully be a lot slower, but I didn't want to drag this part out any longer. There's a lot of stuff up ahead for the novel. :)

I am, however, incredibly glad that Cass has a personal goal in mind now. I'm super excited to see her voyage out to Telorum and meet Kartiel. I'm also growing more intrigued about this contracted stuff, because it really doesn't seem to me that Cass is dreaming about Aldonius's life. Perhaps he isn't her contracted after all. Or perhaps Aldonius has existed in many forms and we just don't know that yet - I suspect there's a lot more to him than meets the eye.


This is the part I've been especially excited to write, so hopefully I won't let you down when I get to her first big adventure! And you may or may not be on the right track with Aldonius. ;)

Thank you again for your review! <3 Hopefully the next chapter won't be as disappointing.



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Mon Dec 10, 2018 11:48 pm
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R4Villalpando wrote a review...



Thak you for writing this. In this chapter you say that you think it can be badly written, but it is not. You are a very good writer, and I admire your way of using spaces to create a specific feeling when reading it. I don't think the ending was too rush. It was good, and I liked the fact that you ended with "she was sure of it". Your story is very interesting, I will definitely continue reading it. Please, keep writing. I hope you don't have problems with the timing in the future.


-R.




Mageheart says...


Thank you! I'm glad that you enjoyed my chapter. :) Want me to tag you when future chapters of this novel come out?




Always do what you are afraid to do.
— E. Lockhart, We Were Liars