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A Page from the former King Rilen's Journal

by Jay P.


It's 1693 in the small village of Salem, I was heading to church with my wife, Deirdre Dragonheart. It wasn't for the service though, it was for the witch trials. My wife was worried about our safety and I don't blame her. I am the King of the Dragonheart Kingdom so I have to be cautious so as to not get caught. At the same time I’m worried about her just as much as she is worried about me. She is my queen after all.

Our next door neighbour's wife was accused of being a witch a few days ago and was about to be put on trial in two days time. She is such a nice woman and doesn't deserve the fate that was going to be given to her. I hope Omisha has mercy on her soul. We aren't exactly from this world and this time period has a thing against writing. Hell writing this journal is considered a sin since writing something that is not for a religious purpose is wrong. A sin of self pleasure I suppose.

These Puritans are really picky on their rules and ways of life. We attended church to hear the minister preach the word of God which to us is rather humorous. Humans are so fearful of each other and things they don't understand, that they never see the real creatures.Those damned demons from the Outlands have been causing issues around Salem, writing contracts with humans so they can enslave them. Me and Deirdre only came here to see how this town is going and to get as many of our citizens out of this damned town but now we have to be patient so to not raise any suspicion about us. I hope that in time we will have to leave back to our world so I don't put Deirdre in harm's way since she is expecting. With luck I can get rid of these demons and escape unscathed. This theocracy was prodigious in it religion and we are not going to be defamation by these demons or puritans.

Rilen Dragonheart

King of the Dragonheart Kingdom


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150 Reviews


Points: 12425
Reviews: 150

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Mon Nov 04, 2019 4:39 pm
KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hey Jay P., Katja here to review your short story. As with all of my reviews please feel free to disregard any and all comments or suggestions I make if you deem them unhelpful. That being said, lets get into the review~

Overall Thoughts

I like the general idea you have here-- a King of "Dragonheart Kingdom" and his wife, Diedre (who is with child) are visiting a church to attend the Salem Witch trials. It is revealed that they are not from this world (or time period?). It hints that they are not even human, as they refer to the people as "these humans" and they have only come to Salem in order to get their people out... Which with the limited information I am uncertain what to think of the kingdom's people. It is stated that demons from the outlands are the cause of the issues and this is just another thing thrown in with little explanation... There are humans, the kingdom's people, and demons....? Just the questions that came up as I read.

Even though it is written in letter form, I feel like there is not nearly enough information presented. It wouldn't hinder the format any by adding in more information- what are they? Why do they want to get their people out of there? why are non-human people even there? Who or what is Omisha? Is the neighbor one of their people? How long have they been living there? Just a few of my initial thoughts upon finishing this.

Overall though, you have great source material and you have created a unique retelling through a letter... I like the concept! :)

Suggestions

Make it more letter formatted-- for example....

It's 1693 in the small village of Salem,


But instead using the date and village as headings.

The tense of the story is past, ("I was heading....") so at the time he is writing this letter, the events of what he is writing about already happened. I would have liked to have seen some more events written in this case... a conflict and resolution... Instead we have a conflict partially sketched out and no resolution, and since it is technically a short story and written as thought it happened already (and not ended on a cliff hanger like, "and we will see what happens" or "now we are waiting for the trials to start", there should be one or the other types of ending to conclude the end of the short story. If that makes sense? Hopefully I worded that okay!

Summary

I like the concept and story are really cool and I like it. With a little more information and a more conclusive ending, The reader would better be able to process the story as a whole. I enjoyed this short and I look forward to reading more of your work soon!

Keep Writing,

~Katja




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25 Reviews


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Reviews: 25

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Mon Nov 04, 2019 4:04 pm
Stellarjay wrote a review...



Hey Jay P.
First off, the flow of your story was really good! The narrative that you chose was really nice. There's only a few things that you could change.
1. commas! I noticed that you didn't use a lot of commas. There's a few sentences that could really use the help of one or two. It'll really help flow of the story.
2. run on sentences! There are a few sentences here and there that go on for quite some time. such as " Me and Deirdre only came here to see how this town is going and to get as many of our citizens out of this damned town but now we have to be patient so to not raise any suspicion about us." Your could easily break it down to a few shorter sentences.

And that's all from me!
- Stellarjay





To be absolutely certain about something, one must know everything or nothing about it.
— Olin Miller