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Why Is it a coincidence?

by Imaginative Alice


We share the same genes ,
and sometimes the same “jeans.”
So, Is it a coincidence that
He got all good traits
And I have to use my appearance as bait?
I respect him and the way he live,
but that doesn’t mean I have to follow it. 
So Is it a coincidence that
When I studied hard
and got good marks,
He was already a topper 
With a million certificate cards?
He was one of the student 
Who has a stardom like a celebrity star.
Where I was busy having my face,
protected from scars.
Because it was my only weapon,
To seek attention.
So Is it a coincidence that he 
got that confidence with which 
he can have whatever he wants
and I have to listen to taunts
from uncles and aunts?
They always said insulting, 
That I always embarrass him.
And “They” include family friends
And those few people whom I hate.
And for your information 
My parents are also included.
So Is it a coincidence that 
They always look up to him
and They pity me
 for being a useless thing?
But why can’t they understand 
That being pitied is more shameful 
than being shadowed by him
I don’t hate him that much you think 
but I just want to ask humbly
Why Is it a coincidence that 
He is my big brother
and I am his useless little bro?


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156 Reviews


Points: 12975
Reviews: 156

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Sun Nov 08, 2020 3:19 pm
KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hey Imaginative Alice! Katja here to review your poem! Please feel free to disregard any and all comments/suggestions I make if you find them unhelpful~

Overall Thoughts

Your poem seems to express the frustration and perhaps even anguish experienced by a younger brother who is overshadowed by an older brother. As it unfolds, the family and friends of the younger brother are even, from the perspective of the younger brother, treating him very differently as a result. I like that your piece really accurately conveys the emotions felt in such a situation, and I feel like it is a rather relatable issue for younger siblings to feel like they are viewed and treated differently for being younger.

Suggestions

As it is a poem, I would recommend going forward, to focus on the flow and rhythm of your poetry. It doesn't have to be strict or formal, but it helps read smoothly when each line naturally flows into the next. Rhythm in some cases can help each line sound connected as they are being read. There were a few places in your poem that felt really forced or unnaturally connected to the next line which made reading feel less natural. For example, these two lines didn't flow very well when read....

He got all good traits
And I have to use my appearance as bait?



That's all I have for suggestions!

Final Thoughts

I like that your poem really conveys the emotional turmoil experienced in this situation, and really allows the reader to get a glimpse into the mind of someone experiencing these emotions. It is a very sad thing to feel less than a sibling, or like your family is comparing you to a sibling all the time. I like that the poem felt more like a vulnerable conversation then say a formal imagery focused poem. The less formal structure definitely helped that and worked with the meaning. Overall, well done on your first poem! I hope to read more of your work soon! :)

Keep Writing,

~Katja






Thanks for the review I am looking forward into posting another work and I am very excited to get started with young writer society



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31 Reviews


Points: 1612
Reviews: 31

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Sun Nov 08, 2020 2:47 pm
omer wrote a review...



Hey Alice! Nice poem, thank you so much for sharing. I have mostly grammar-corrections, here they are:

1.

We share the same genes,
and sometimes the same “jeans.”

I don't think the quotation marks are needed here.
2.
I respect him and the way he live

*Lives
3.
He was one of the student
Who has a stardom like a celebrity star.

should be:
He was one of the students
Who has a stardom like a celebrity-star.

4.
They always said insultingly,
That I always embarrased him.

If you want to write it past tense - go for it! If you want it to be present tense - that's great, too. You just have to stick to it and not change it as the poem continues.
5.
And “They” include family friends

should be:
And “They” includes family, friends


That's it! I really like the ending of the poem, it's moving and carries the main statement with it.
Hope some of this helps. Keep writing!
Omer.






Thanks for the review
it is my first work and you are special because you gave the first review for which I was waiting




The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.