Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic

E - Everyone

"Morning Person"

by IconspicuoslyAlpacaing


Falling forward, sunlight streaming

Suddenly, my head careening

Soul's windows, halfway shut 

Dozing coma, yet short cut

Faces dance in blurried vision,

Thunder pounding, head's collision

Grappling with both life and death

Peeling gateways, raspy breath

Racing planets, shifting moons

"C'mon, wake up! It's half past noon!"


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
33 Reviews


Points: 544
Reviews: 33

Donate
Wed Apr 22, 2020 2:40 pm
shayspeare wrote a review...



This poem is enjoyable. It's short, snappy. The rhymes, I noticed are excellent. They're masculine and just make sense. I like the first word of most lines are masculine rhymes. It's very good. I like the enjambment and the satirical hyperbole of being asleep. I also like that the title is very sarcastic. It's verbal irony, hence the quotation marks. It's very intense, which makes it funny.

In the end, keep writing. I look forward to more of your poems.

Shay




User avatar
827 Reviews


Points: 28351
Reviews: 827

Donate
Wed Apr 22, 2020 9:07 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hello InconspicuoslyAlpacaing! This is Morrigan dropping in for a review.

I dig this, man. It's definitely not something that is going to deeply affect me, but it's lighthearted. I've had to consume a lot of wholesome and lighthearted media in these trying times, so I appreciate that you posted this!

I'm not sure why you posted a comment below that says you're not a fan of the concept. I hate to see artists talk down about themselves. One of my pals who plays the acoustic guitar talks self-deprecatingly on stage, and it makes me so mad. I always heckle him until he stops. And he's not even really saying that he doesn't like the concept. Don't make me heckle you! Have confidence in yourself! Or at least pretend that you do! Fake it 'til you make it!

I really like the language you use in this poem. It makes it move along, and it's descriptive. Your rhyme scheme worked for what you're going for in this poem, too. What I'm going to address is your meter.

While you don't say that you've created this poem to fit into a particular meter, you mostly use trochaic tetrameter. On the last line, you switch to iambs for a moment, which I find very cool and refreshing. Using the opposite kind of meter from what you have been using highlights an important line, and this is the most important line of the piece. Other than the last line, I recommend regulating your meter a little more, to increase the enjoyment of the rhythm in the piece.

If you are aware of what different kinds of meters are, please skip this next part.
When I am referring to your lines as "trochaic tetrameter," I am saying that one of your lines contains four trochees. A trochee is two syllables that follows the syllable accents of one stressed and one unstressed syllable. The stressed part is the emphasis. Let's take one of the lines of your poem and check out the meter.

Falling forward, sunlight streaming

Your first line is a perfect example of trochaic tetrameter. FALLing FORward, SUNlight STREAMing. The emphasis on the syllables are all front heavy. Four trochees. Trochaic tetrameter.
The lines that have less than eight syllables that mostly follow the pattern, minus the last unstressed syllable work too, since they are almost exactly trochaic tetrameter. If you're interested, dropping the last unstressed syllable is called trochaic tetrameter catalectic.
The lines that do not fit the meter, and throw off the rhythm of the poem are these:
Soul's windows, halfway shut
Dozing coma, yet short cut

While they are only two lines, they really make the poem feel off balance. After all, I spent all this time talking about meter! Try changing the language in these lines just a little. You could add a quick, one syllable adjective after "soul's" to make it work, if you want. Try it, or try playing around with those two lines so they fit in with the rest of the piece.

Faces dance in blurried vision,

I know that you have great meter. That's evidenced by the rest of the poem. In fact, you made up a word to make this line sound right! Blurried isn't technically a word, but I'm a little torn as to whether you should use it or not. I guess it relies on your attention. If you're going for an older style poem, I say leave it. If you'd like it to sound modern, I would find a way around saying "blurried." While it's not technically a word, I feel like "blurried" is a spiritual brother to "wingéd." And that functions as a way to fit into the meter. Like I said, it's up to you. I'm not the biggest fan of it because it simply seems like a bandaid affair to get the meter right in that line. But if you're going for a certain old-timey vibe, it works!

Overall, I really enjoyed this poem. I've been waking up past noon myself, and can definitely relate. I hope that this review is helpful, and I hope you have a great day! Don't sleep too much!






Thank you! I didn't realize what the "rhythm thingy" (as I've referred to it) was called, but now that you've pointed it out, I can really work on it. I made up the word "blurried" because I'm lazy, but I'm glad it read as something intentional.



User avatar
230 Reviews


Points: 1224
Reviews: 230

Donate
Wed Apr 22, 2020 8:41 am
yellow wrote a review...



hello, i'm yellow!

first of all, i'd like to welcome you to yws! it's always great seeing new people join the site.

i really enjoyed this. i typically don't see a lot of humorous poetry on the site, so it's very refreshing to have something of this nature. though, there isn't a lot of humor throughout the poem. it's really just in the last line. i think it would be even more interesting to add in more humor throughout the rest of the poem, but that's totally up to you :). right away, you begin to paint the reader a picture with your words, which is a fantastic start. although, i do think that there needs to be more of it. you introduce us several ideas and then what happens next, yet there isn't a lot of delving into each idea. is this poem personifying what it feels like to be in that daze of just waking up? is it personifying a dream? to me, it almost seems ambiguous and there is a lot going on. i totally get that you're trying to go with a rhyme scheme, which is wonderful by the way, but you're bringing in so many ideas that really do need further explanation.

the thing i really do like is the progression of the poem, in how the beginning seems rather serious and it goes on to be more serious, then the very last line is almost a cut to reality, like i said though, i would like to maybe see more lines that have some humor in it. at the very end, you left me wondering who is saying that last line. you mention yourself in the second line, so to me, it almost seems as if there is a second person you're talking about.

really, i think you do have a fantastic start. once again, i admire the rhyme scheme because each and every rhyme is so smooth and works so well. you do have a lot of good and interesting word choices. i do think that you should add on to it even more because there is always room for improvement with everything you do. for your first-ever work, you did a great job and i hope to see more poems from you!

-yellow






Thank you! I tried to focus the humor on the last line so it would be a bit more of a "SURPRISE!" moment. While I see what you're saying, having the poem be devoid of humor until the end was intentional, but I will certainly think about this when writing other comedic poems. Once again, thank you for the review!



User avatar
46 Reviews


Points: 3114
Reviews: 46

Donate
Wed Apr 22, 2020 2:34 am



When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
— Walter Lippmann