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The Runner

by IconspicuoslyAlpacaing

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131 Reviews

Points: 11
Reviews: 131

Tue Aug 11, 2020 2:27 am
Vil wrote a review...

Hello, Alpaca! I'm Vilnius, here to review your work.

Like the Morrigan, I wished for a more concrete setting as I read and reread this poem. Where does this story take place? Is it meant to be realistic, and allegory, or both? Is there a deeper meaning that one must read between the lines to find so as to determine where this occurs, or is it meant to be simple and straightforward?

The black background truly adds to the sense of potential fear the reader takes away from te narrators words. The white-to-red text does this as well, I think, and thus creates a balance between cleanliness and blood, life and death,

Truly, I liked this poem.

Have a great [*insert time of day here*]!!!

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858 Reviews

Points: 29821
Reviews: 858

Sun Aug 09, 2020 5:12 am
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Morrigan wrote a review...

Hey there, Alpaca! I'm dropping by to review your poem.

This is the part where I simultaneously complement the way you used visuals to convey the feeling in your poem, and shake my fist at you for making me type all of the quotes that I want to.

I like all the movement in this piece. You use a lot of present participle verbs, which adds to the visceral feeling you were trying to convey.

With so much physical imagery, I was a little disappointed that there isn't a more concrete setting. Where the narrator is in this poem is right in front of me: a boring, black void. No matter how many stab wounds you add aren't going to automatically bring me into a back alley or a haunted woods. There are a lot of places you could plop your narrator into. Setting is part of imagery, and this poem would benefit from a metaphorical context to where your narrator is running, and what they are running from.

The voices crescendoed,
in silence, and yet
a cacophony

So this is what I'm talking about when I say the poem would benefit from a metaphorical setting. You have a contradictory statement here, and it doesn't really start the poem off strong. I have a feeling you might be trying to convey the idea of an inner monologue, which is difficult to convey without placing the narrator in the void if you don't have a metaphorical image to anchor it. What could you liken the inner monologue to? Is it nagging like a hungry kitten? Is it frightening like a specter? How about bitter as black coffee? Find an image to represent ideas and you will already have a stronger poem.

Marred with stab wounds,
raw but invisible

We're in the metaphysical plane again, where invisible stab wounds exist. Backstabbing is a synonym for betrayal, so a poet using this image is very clear what it means. It's also a bit of a cliche to use the image of a stabbed back for betrayal. Try finding another way to convey the idea!

Inevitable salvation
This is the line that I read the most because I was trying to understand how it connects with the rest of the poem. Will the narrator be saved? Or whatever is coming for them? Salvation doesn't seem to fit very well into this puzzle. It feels kind of tacked on, to be honest, and I hope you can find a different way to convey what you're trying to.

One thing I really liked about your poem is that you don't use abstract nouns like "fear" and "death." Those words are truly the demise of imagery because you miss an opportunity to add flavor and texture whenever you use them in a poem. Good job there!

I hope that this review proves useful to you. Let me know if you have any questions! Happy writing!

Thank you for the review! Your reviews are always extremely helpful and informative. As for the 'void setting', I tend to struggle with that a lot, which is probably due to my aphantasia. That's not really an excuse, just a cause, but I'm working on it. Imagery sure is fun when you can't picture things in your brain lol.

Morrigan says...

I have no idea what that's like, but have you ever tried picking a photo and describing what you see in it as the backdrop to a poem? Not sure if this would work for you, but I figured I would suggest it!

— BlueAfrica