Hi there Alpaca! I saw that you wanted reviews on this poem in the Gryffindor forum.
I agree with Elinor-- I really enjoy the meter that you created in this piece. It is very rainlike, and it goes along with the subject well.
To be honest, though, I feel less like the narrator is shouting at the rain, and more like they are shouting at me, the reader. There isn't anything that invites a reader into this gently. It feels like an unrelentingly negative diary entry dressed up all pretty in a metaphor. I feel like what this poem needs is a layer of distance. I know you've got a great meter here, and it feels good, but language-wise, it was a lot of emotion with no filter. It's raw, and needs to be polished to really shine. How does one add a layer of distance? Instead of all these internal feelings, make a character separate from the narrator of the poem. A lone figure on a beach crying to the rain. Let us see the storm, instead of abandoning us in the middle of it. To me, this poem feels like you're having a nice chat with someone that you don't know very well, and then they burst into tears. I don't know about you, but I would certainly feel overwhelmed if something like that were to happen to me.
I do enjoy the imagery that you use. You keep to the motif very well. I might even like to see some more beach or sea imagery. I know it's focused on the rain, but let us taste the salty air and smell low tide. Will the waves come and knock over the character, really kicking them while they're down? Instead of a single moment, a single scream, I'd like to see a progression in this poem. What brought this character to this beach in a storm? I feel like a story could be made here in poetic format.
Altogether, I appreciate your meter and imagery, but I need fewer grounds in my coffee, so I think you should put a filter in that thing. I hope that this proves useful to you! Happy writing!
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