Published September 23, 2009
The First of Many
The cold despair set in and you panic as you realize that you are all alone in the middle of nowhere. You are completely surrounded by steep mountains that would be treacherous to attempt to climb. There is but one thing other than you in the small clearing where you stand. A tree, whose top looks like the cloud of a nuclear blast. The warm, dry air; which cracks your throat, makes you realize your need for water. You listen hopefully for the sound of a trickling stream in the distance, but you are disappointed as you hear nothing but a faint breeze and the howl of a coyote in the distance. The only comfort you have is the chocolate bar that is in your pocket. You contemplate whether you eat it now or save it for later. You can’t resist the sweet, intoxicating aroma it emanates. You decide to eat it now, rather than later, as you plop it into your watering mouth. As much as you try to saver it, it is gone within a matter of seconds. As the sun sets, you become weary, knowing you must find a place to settle in for the night. You see the tree and its limbs, inviting you to take refuge in its embracing arms. Unable to resist the comfort the tree provides, you climb into it and drift away into the first of many nights to come.
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Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...this is a rather intriguing little scene here. It seems like a bit of a snapshot out of a much bigger piece than a short story really because we are kind of thrust into this world without much warning or context and then it ends with the hint of more to come. If this was perhaps intended to stand alone I think you need to look into making that opening a little sharper and a bit more descriptive and either coming to some form of resolution at the end or ramping the mystery up significantly to have more of a cliffhanger.
There is also a slight paragraphing issue on this one. Its not too bad given the paragraph is somewhat on the shorter side but especially to make this work on its own splitting this up into a couple of paragraphs and then going ahead and expanding on the parts just a teeny bit more feels like it would make for a pretty good improvement here.
So overall there's some good groundwork here. The descriptions are pretty great already as the emotions that peek through, it just needs a bit more help for it to really be able to stand on its own and come across as a more powerful piece than what we have with us right here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Greetings fellow classmate =P
I doubt that's the correct place to use a semi-colon. I'd take out the semi-colon and the "which", and replace the comma behind "throat" with "and". So the sentence would end up looking like;
The warm, dry air cracks your throat and makes you realize your need for water.
Or something of that sort. I just thought that sentence was too odd to fit correctly.
I don't think "plop" is the best word to place there. Try something like "pop" or something along the lines of that.
Other than that, I loved it. And it's unique because I rarely see second-person writing pieces.
Like I told you before, it's seriously good. You're a better writer than you think you are =)
To say something for Rocky here, the project was to describe a postcard without a plot.
Anyway, I like how you had it in second person. It's unusual, but I think it fits well for this piece.
~Poem
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You might want to check this out brutha.
As for the story: It definately envokes alot of emotion and paints a vivid picture, but we dont really know anything about whats going on in the story. We dont know anything about why we are in a random valley surrounded by mountains sleeping in a nuclear tree. make this into a real story with a plot and a problem and it could be an awesome end of the world scenario story.
or maybe it was just a spur of the moment Interesting little piece and thats cool too.